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I was unsure of how or when it happened, but small, imperceptible changes began gradually taking place in my life and in my outlook. I noticed I was taking far more steps forward and far fewer steps backward. I realized the wrenching sadness and overwhelming loneliness of daily living and the emptiness of holidays alone—when I felt as if everyone else was happily involved with their spouses and their families—no longer surfaced. I was filled with genuine gratitude for my life, my daughters, my friends, and my health. Heartache gave way to hope, until one day I realized I felt an ongoing and consistent calm and a spreading and lasting joy. I had found peace and contentment in the life I had made. I had learned that it matters not where I am, but who I am.
I had discovered that beyond the healing, the greatest gift was the self-awareness I had gained through this process. I now clearly understand that real peace lies within and comes from remaining true to oneself. I know beyond a doubt that life can change in a moment and unexpected loss can occur at any time. I realize that after the passing of each day, fewer lie ahead, and I want to make the most of each one. The book has been completed, the story told. Throughout the experience, I struggled with the reasons and the lessons I was meant to learn. Even without gaining real understanding or closure regarding the end of my marriage, I realized I had gained so much.
I had learned that I had Herculean strength that I had never imagined. I often wanted to scream the words “I can’t!” Instead, my mantra became “I must! There is no other choice!” I had been amazed by my resilience and capabilities, as well as by my strength in stretching my limits and exploring new options. I had discovered that all individuals can become superhuman by opening our minds and our hearts. I had learned the true depth of the human spirit. I had come to like and trust myself again and had realized that I was always a likable person. I learned to accept myself for who I am at this moment—not who I hope to be—and now make every effort to do the same for others who cross my path.
I have come full circle as I continue to rebuild my life. My journey has transported me to another place and time. I am filled with gratitude that I have come out of the darkness of doubt and know that life is a gift that should not be taken for granted—the most important lesson I have learned—and that I have healed. I clearly understand the meaning of resiliency and the compelling condition of the human spirit to overcome and move beyond even the most excruciating pain. I know firsthand that the experience of loss and the process of grief are unpredictable and as different as the individual struggling through them. I know that outsiders rarely understand that struggle and are usually capable of support for far too little time.
The writing process itself was like ocean waves that break upon the shore and carry away stale debris as they leave behind new treasures. I wanted my story told, but I wanted a story of hope, resiliency, optimism, strength, and new opportunities. Telling the story the way I wanted to has helped me, and it is my hope that it will help others experiencing similar situations.
I understand that the everyday challenges that try us are trivial and can be ignored. The big challenges are what require our strength and incite our growth, and seeking help is a strength, not a weakness. In fact, I believe it is imperative to secure professional help through individual counseling or a support group. My friends and family told me the same things that I heard from my therapist, and I appreciated and even required their support and words for my very survival. Still, my innermost feeling was that they were encouraging me in such a way only because they loved me and cared about me on a very personal level. When I heard the same advice and statements repeated by a professional with no vested interest in me—aside from the income my visits provided—I could objectively accept what was being said and act upon the words, allowing myself to heal and grow. Divorce Care (www.divorcecare.org) offers support and caring across the world through email and personal connections to people grieving the loss of a spouse.
I had read Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love when it was first published, but at that time the pain of loss was an abstract fact for me. It is a wonderful chronicle of a woman searching to rebuild her life after the end of a relationship. I had clung to the insights of Jennifer Gilbert’s journey through grief in I Never Promised You a Goodie Bag. While her loss was physically inflicted, her recovery, healing, and insights on grieving in American culture stayed with me and provided companionship on my long and lonely journey. Her quote opens my story, and I knew I wanted to be a better person after my experience than I had been before. I refused to allow bitterness or self-pity to have a place in my life. That was not the woman I would choose to be.
I was familiar with the five stages of grief and often repeated the Serenity Prayer to myself, knowing that there was much I could not change. I had friends, I had a therapist, but I still felt isolated, alone, and convinced that what I was experiencing was unique to my independent situation. I often found it difficult to discuss, as the shame that he had heaped upon me routinely resurfaced and overwhelmed me with guilt.
I had stumbled onto an excerpt of Sheryl Sandberg’s recently published Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy and had suggested it to a friend who had lost her son. In reading it myself, I discovered that there were specific names for what I was experiencing and strategies for coping with the loss and moving ahead. The ideas were enlightening and empowering. They would have been extremely beneficial if I had had them throughout my experience. In preparing my book for publication, I read the book He’s History, You’re Not: Surviving Divorce After 40, by Erica Manfred, which provides an excellent resource specifically targeting women in their forties, fifties, and sixties who are dealing with divorce. I highly recommend it.
The most personally compelling to me was the discovery of two books by Vikki Stark, which actually described and named the exact experience I was going through. They made me feel vindicated when I realized I was not alone and I was not at fault. Runaway Husbands: The Abandoned Wife’s Guide to Recovery and Renewal and Planet Heartbreak: Abandoned Wives Tell Their Stories are a must-read for any woman who discovers herself in the pages of my story.
I felt abandoned and alone when he first announced that he was “fucking damn done,” and I suspect that if you are reading this book, whatever your specific circumstances, you are experiencing similar feelings and emotions. While it is not within the scope of this book to outline, or even suggest, a sequence of healing for anyone aside from me, I can promise you that one thing is certain: regardless of your individual situation, each of you will find your path. If you are genuinely willing to reach out for and to accept help, put forth unimaginable personal effort, and continue to look ahead at what possibilities await, you will reach a better—and perhaps unexpected—place. You, too, have the ability to regain your confidence, abandon your hopelessness, and realize that you are not a woman to be tossed aside and forgotten. You are a woman capable and worthy of great things. Let yourself remain open to new opportunities and receptive to new connections. Let yourself enjoy those things, whatever they may be. If I could find my way back, you can do the same.
Acknowledgments
There are so many to whom I owe my thanks and appreciation for this book and for my very survival, especially the friends and family, distant and near, who were as shocked and shattered as I but still offered their unwavering love, support, and encouragement to help me remain strong in the face of unimagined adversity; who reminded me to find the good in every day and to keep moving forward; who believed in my courage and fortitude when I was unable to believe in myself.
To my readers who muddled through the initial draft of this work, constantly cheering me on and assuring me that the story had merit and deserved a wider audience, and to my dear friend Mary-Ann, who not only read and reread each word, word change, and update but also offered unwavering, immediate, and insightful support and wisdom throughout this journey: without your steadfast assistance, gentle prodding, and kind words, I could never have acc
omplished my goal. To those who generously allowed the use of their quotes and offered their encouragement and assistance for this book: your selfless backing and reassurance allowed me to believe that I might indeed be able to see this project through.
Thanks to Brooke Warner, who not only accepted my work as worthy of publication but had a talented and professional organization in place to guide the manuscript, and this inexperienced author, through the editing and publishing process while providing all of the necessary support to ensure success. And who introduced me to Annie Tucker, the wonderful and talented editor who propelled me forward, step by step and word by word, encouraging me to make each scene and moment in this book as real for my readers as it was for me. Thank you, Annie, for helping my story to become all that you knew it could be, and even more than I could have imagined.
And to every person, familiar or stranger, professional and nonprofessional, who crossed my path and selflessly offered support, guidance, and a caring word or gesture: know that with even the smallest acts of unexpected kindness, you provided the strength and determination I needed at any given moment to persevere, grow, and thrive. All were yet another confirmation that we are interconnected and here to help one another along life’s journey. For all, I will forever be truly indebted and grateful.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Photo credit: Shelby Sieg
For thirty years, Kathryn Taylor taught life’s most important lessons to elementary-school children as a public-school teacher. In her retirement, she realized that she had valuable wisdom and experiences to share with adults—specifically, women experiencing “gray divorce.” Divorced once at forty, Taylor spent most of her adult life as a single working mother and dedicated herself to raising her two daughters. She had proven herself a strong, loving, independent woman, so she was surprised when she found herself struggling to deal with her second divorce. Through writing this, her first book, she uncovered the strong, loving, independent woman that remained, and it is her hope that her story helps women in similar circumstances recover their own strength and self-love. She and Lucy live near Charleston, South Carolina.
Visit www.kathryntaylorbooks.com.
SELECTED TITLES FROM SHE WRITES PRESS
She Writes Press is an independent publishing company founded to serve women writers everywhere.
Visit us at www.shewritespress.com.
Loveyoubye: Holding Fast, Letting Go, And Then There’s The Dog by Rossandra White. $16.95, 978-1-938314-50-6. A soul-searching memoir detailing the painful, but ultimately liberating, disintegration of a twenty-five-year marriage.
The Full Catastrophe: A Memoir by Karen Elizabeth Lee. $16.95, 978-1-63152-024-2. The story of a well educated, professional woman who, after marrying the wrong kind of man—twice—finally resurrects her life.
The Sportscaster’s Daughter: A Memoir by Cindi Michael. $16.95, 978-1-63152-107-2. Despite being disowned by her father—sportscaster George Michael, said to be the man who inspired ESPN’s SportsCenter—Cindi Michael manages financially and heals emotionally, ultimately finding confidence from within.
There Was a Fire Here: A Memoir by Risa Nye. $16.95, 978-1-63152-045-7. After a devastating firestorm destroys Risa Nye’s Oakland, California home and neighborhood, she has to dig deep to discover her inner strength and resilience.
Filling Her Shoes: Memoir of an Inherited Family by Betsy Graziani Fasbinder. $16.95, 978-1-63152-198-0. A “sweet-bitter” story of how, with tenderness as their guide, a family formed in the wake of loss and learned that joy and grief can be entwined cohabitants in our lives.
Falling Together: How to Find Balance, Joy, and Meaningful Change When Your Life Seems to be Falling Apart by Donna Cardillo. $16.95, 978-1-63152-077-8. A funny, big-hearted self-help memoir that tackles divorce, caregiving, burnout, major illness, fears, and low self-esteem—and explores the renewal that comes when we are able to meet these challenges with courage.