Dysfunctional Affair

by James, Hadena

  “I can’t drink coffee out of a bowl. You have six towels, unless you intend to do laundry often, we need more towels. You have three sets of sheets, one of them silk, none will fit your spare bed.”

  “Didn’t you bring towels when you moved in?” I asked him, shutting down the computer.

  “No, I didn’t realize I was going to need towels, so I pitched mine.”

  “Why would you do that?”

  “Because I didn’t realize you didn’t own towels. I can honestly say every time I’ve been to your house, you’ve had hand towels and bath towels hanging in your bathrooms. I just thought you had plenty. I figured I would replace them when I moved out anyway, so I got rid of them. Only now do I realize you live like…” He seemed to think for a minute. “I have no idea what you live like. It’s sparse. We had more personal items in our military footlockers than you have in your entire house.”

  “I don’t need much, it’s just me.” I defended my lifestyle.

  “Now it’s just you and me and we need more towels because I don’t really like to do laundry. That’s the other thing. You’re house has no personality. I’ve spent most of the morning there. The walls are beige and barren. You have no pictures up.”

  “Yes I do, in my bedroom and my library.”

  “Uh-huh, I think we need to add wall décor to the list of things to buy.”

  “I’m not buying all that.” I stomped my foot. Childish, but I was willing to be childish this time.

  “Then I’ll buy it. Now, stop bitching and let’s get to it, if there’s time I’ll take you to the Barnes and Noble too.”

  “Ooh, really?” I smiled, my mood instantly lifting. Book shopping is a great motivator for me. “Think we can swing by a music store too? KMFDM just released a new album and I don’t own it.” And shopping we went.

  Chapter Three

  I woke up with a very severe case of déjà vu. The shower was running, the dogs were awake and waiting. I didn’t help the matter, I did exactly what I had done since Thursday morning. I petted the dogs absently waiting for Zeke to leave my shower and head downstairs.

  Yesterday he had stocked my kitchen with food or what he called food. It was weird to have stuff in all the cabinets. That had never happened before. It was even weirder to have someone else for the dogs to attack in the morning. That I wouldn’t complain about. Being rushed by the dogs was probably comparable to being tackled by a Chiefs lineman, not something I wanted to experience every morning.

  As if sensing the time was right, the Danes crawled from the bed. Loki pushed down on the handle of the door, the latch clicked open and they went into the hall. I counted the seconds before the thunder of their feet began. Three seconds ticked off and I heard them start, heading at a dead run at the stairs. They crashed to the bottom.

  “Holy shit!” Zeke yelled from below me. I heard something bang against the floor. I got dressed, including my shoes and headed down the stairs.

  Zeke was still pinned to the floor, the dogs were shoving to get near enough to be petted. It was comical and I had to stifle the giggle I felt rise.

  “No wonder people don’t break into your house.” He pulled himself from the pile. “I feel like I need another shower.”

  “That’s why I shower after I’ve played with them.” I looked at the floor. A cup lay on its side, spilling dark brown liquid into a pool on the floor. “I hope you’re going to clean that up,” I muttered as Set began licking up the coffee. “Great, now my dogs are going to become coffee addicts. I’ll have to start brewing them pots of coffee in the morning.”

  “It’s not like you’d notice the coffee buzz, they already have too much energy.” Zeke picked up the cup. “I think the dogs have got that covered.” He walked back into the kitchen. I heard him pour another cup as the last of the coffee was licked from the floor. I opened the sliding door, letting them into the backyard. As soon as the last one had gotten his tail out, I shut it.

  “Welcome to my world.” I sat down at the kitchen table. Smells of bacon and coffee emanated from the kitchen, sizzling on the stove. No one had ever used my stove, I was impressed that it worked.

  Zeke sat a glass of OJ in front of me. “There’s enough bacon that you can have some and I can cook you an egg if you want.”

  “Ugh, no eggs. I don’t like eggs. At all. Yuck.” I did a full body shudder. “When I was a kid my mom cracked an egg into a frying pan and a half formed chicken fell out. I haven’t been able to eat an egg since then.”

  Zeke frowned at me and put the carton of eggs back into the fridge. I hadn’t meant to ruin his appetite. Instead, he pulled out a loaf of bread, it was wheat bread and pre-sliced. Obviously something he bought.

  “Would you like toast?”

  “I don’t like wheat bread either. It…”

  “Don’t you dare tell me another disgusting story.” Zeke pointed his finger at me.

  “I wasn’t. I was going to say it’s dry and can trigger my migraines.” I giggled, OJ spewed out my nose. It burned like hell.

  Zeke closed the bag of bread, put it back in the fridge and sat down at the table.

  “You still have bacon on the stove.”

  “It’s almost done.” He stared at me for a minute. “Am I going to be able to eat or do you have something you want to tell me about bacon?”

  “I like bacon.” I watched as he took it up from the frying pan. “Ugh, but it has to be cooked.”

  “It is cooked.” Zeke frowned setting the plate in front of me.

  “Uh, no, this is lightly heated, but it wouldn’t pass for cooked. I’m not entirely sure it’s dead.” I poked at it with his fork. “Did you know there’s a restaurant in Japan that serves fish still alive? It’s really cool and sick. They take the fish and scrape off the scales, then they roll it in batter and keep a moist cloth over its head. Then they dip part of the fish into a big frying pot. Hold it there to cook from about the fins down and then serve it, still wrapped in the moist cloth. You pick the cooked meat off the fish while it gasps for air on your table.”

  “Where do you learn this stuff?”

  “I watched it on Discovery Channel…or the Food Network. Anyway, there’s another…”

  “Does IHOP have a fruit platter? Maybe I’ll order pancakes.” Zeke pushed the bacon away.

  “The dogs will eat it. Put one strip in each doggy bowl.” I frowned at him. “Have you always been this picky about food?”

  “ME?!” Zeke stared at me.

  “Yes, you. You almost had eggs, you almost had toast and you slightly heated bacon that you aren’t going to eat. Now you want to call in an order to IHOP? I offered you cereal, what more could you possibly want?”

  “Nadine?”

  “Yes?” I smiled at him.

  “Never mind. What are your plans today?”

  “I thought you said you weren’t grumpy in the morning? I mean, I’m used to people being grumpy in the morning, Alex first thing in the morning is like dealing with Satan on a bad day. You may be worse.”

  “I take it Alex has lived here before too.” Zeke rubbed his hand down his face.

  “No she hasn’t. Alex and I can’t live together, she… well… I just don’t think it would work. She doesn’t even like to share a hotel room with me. I think it’s because I snore. Although, she has snored so loud she’s woken herself up.”

  “What are you doing today?” He was nearly growling.

  “I don’t know, but I don’t think I’ll be doing it with you Mr. Grumpy.” I stood up from the table, putting my empty glass in the sink. “I’m pretty sure I have plans today, but I can’t remember what.”

  The doorbell rang. Zeke jumped to his feet, grabbing his gun. I hadn’t even known it was near him. The reaction surprised me.

  “Are you expecting company?” He asked.

  “Possibly.” I shrugged. “I’ll get the door.”

  “No, I’ll get the door.” Zeke put his hand on my shoulder. “The guys will kill me if you answer
the door and get blown away. Besides, that wouldn’t look very good for me.”

  I raised an eyebrow at this but didn’t argue. This was our first run at playing body guard and guarded. He hadn’t needed me to stay put, out of the way. The thought did nothing for my appetite.

  “Who is it?” He yelled.

  “Alex and Sebastian.” I heard Sebastian yell back.

  Zeke opened the door, gun still in hand, but at least it was pointing down at the floor. Sebastian and Alex came into the room. She didn’t say anything about the gun, acting as though she hadn’t noticed it. The three of them each took a chair at the dining room table.

  “Well, are you about ready?” Alex asked, watching as Zeke put his gun on the table.

  “Yep,” I suddenly remembered my plans for the day. “I was born ready. I just need to let the dogs play a little longer. We all slept in this morning.”

  “What are we doing?” Zeke asked.

  “We’re going to the Renaissance Festival.” Sebastian sounded less than thrilled. “I’ve already tried to talk Alex out of it. I didn’t get anywhere.”

  “Renaissance Festival?” He shook his head. “It will be hard to protect the two of you in a crowd that size. I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

  “So don’t go, we can protect ourselves.” I smiled at him.

  “Uh, no.” Sebastian frowned.

  “I think we should reconsider this. I mean, RenFest will be full today, it’s supposed to be a beautiful day and you go every year, it wouldn’t be hard to figure out to look for you there.”

  “I’m going to RenFest.” I tried to take a commanding tone and failed miserably.

  “I don’t like it.” Sebastian sighed.

  “We are going to RenFest. Nadine has a thing for one of the performers.” Alex smiled at me. “And each time we go, I get a little closer to figuring out which one it is.”

  “So you think.” I giggled.

  “Well, at least you admit it. That’s better than last year.”

  “How do you know he’s there this year?” Zeke’s frown deepened, drawing his eyebrows together.

  “Because he’s on the list of performers scheduled for this year.” I shrugged. “I’m not going to tell you who it is, so don’t bother asking.”

  “So you go to RenFest because you secretly have a crush on some guy?” Sebastian tried not to laugh.

  “No, I go to RenFest because I like RenFest. I don’t have a crush on some guy, I just think he’s very pretty to look at. It’s a bonus.” I shrugged again. “I get enough shit about it from Alex, don’t the two of you start.”

  “Why don’t you just ask the guy out?” Zeke was still frowning.

  “Are you going to frown all day because it makes you look mean. I don’t want you to send children screaming for their mommies at RenFest.”

  He cracked a smile, but it wasn’t much of an improvement. “I’ve just never been interested in RenFest.”

  “Hmm, don’t smile like that either. It makes you look crazy.” I smiled and stood up. “Well, are we ready to go?”

  Believe it or not, the day turned out to be a roaring success. Everyone seemed to have a good time, including Sebastian and Zeke. They laughed at the right parts, ate the expensive greasy junk that they sold and once in a while, they even seemed to forget they were body guards. Every so often, someone would point to a guy and go “so is that him?” It never was, but that didn’t stop them from trying. The idea of a roommate was starting to grow on me.

  “NADINE!” Zeke yelled.

  “Coming.” Locking the library, I walked into the dining room.

  “Where have you been hiding?” He set a pan down on the table. It didn’t smell too bad.

  “I haven’t been hiding, I’ve been in the library.” I pointed towards the closed doors across the living room.

  “I’ve never seen your library. I was only partially sure you had one.”

  “Where do you think I keep all my books?” I sat down and pointed at the steak. “What’s that?”

  “Smothered Filet Mignon, just try it.” He also sat down. “I didn’t know. I mean the only rooms I’ve ever seen are the living room, dining room, kitchen, downstairs bathroom, master bathroom and one of the spare rooms upstairs.”

  “Well, that’s actually about all the rooms I have. The only ones left are the library and my room.”

  “You have two doors down here that I’ve never seen open and two upstairs. They are always locked.”

  “I’ll show you after dinner.” I cut the steak and timidly put the bite in my mouth. I chewed. It wasn’t bad, better than I expected. It wasn’t the best thing I’d ever had, but it wasn’t the worst either.

  “We need to figure out some way to vary your schedule. Anthony called, he’s looking through your hate mail and making a list of possible threats.”

  My stomach flopped and my appetite disappeared. “Do we have to discuss that kind of stuff right now?” I frowned at him, pushing my plate away. “I’m really kind of a chicken.”

  “You?” He smiled.

  “Yeah, me. If I think someone might try to kill me, it makes me kind of sick.”

  “Really? You’ve never shown it.”

  “That’s because normally people are trying to kill me. I handle that much better. I know, that’s weird. It’s easier to handle a threat if I know it’s real. Like the Curb Jumper. I don’t think of him unless he’s just jumped a curb at me. The rest of the time, he’s invisible in my mind. Because I know it’s always there, I adjust to it, get on with my life. He’s a non-issue until he’s trying to run me over. But vague threats, that’s really different. Those have only a 50% chance of happening. I don’t like that.”

  Zeke laughed lightly, “I’ve seen you in action, you’re not a chicken. You handle pressure and threats better than most people I know.”

  “Don’t let the cool exterior fool you, I’m a big chicken.”

  “Did you dislike the steak?” He nodded towards my plate.

  “It wasn’t terrible, but you mentioned death threats. I can’t eat and talk about those at the same time.”

  “I see. Fine I’ll change the subject. You like one of the pirates.” He made it statement. I thought about how to answer.

  “You think I like a pirate?” I smiled at him.

  “No, I know you like one of the pirates. I also know which one.”

  “Maybe you should have been a detective.”

  “I won’t tell the others. Why a pirate?”

  “I don’t think he’s a pirate all the time. Besides, why not a pirate? I think all women have pirate fantasies, just like they have fantasies of being rescued by princes, protected by super sexy US Marshals and swept off their feet by rich, eccentric millionaires. These are things that keep our fantasies interesting. And after Pirates of the Caribbean came out, I think the pirate fantasies increased. Johnny Depp was amazing in that movie. Don’t men have fantasies like that?”

  “No, we basically only need women without clothes to fuel our fantasies.” He laughed again. “Why don’t you give me the tour of the house, then we’ll try eating again.”

  “Sure.” We stood up and I headed for the library. I unlocked the door, letting Zeke in, I followed, locking the door behind us.

  “Why do you lock the door?” He asked as I flipped on a light.

  “When the dogs are mad at me, they chew up my books. This is the library.”

  The library was actually four rooms, modified. By modified I mean that I took four rooms, ripped out walls and floors and made it one big room. Bookcases were built into the walls from floor to ceiling on three walls. The shelves weren’t completely full, but I was working on it. It required a ladder to reach all of them. I had two doors on the ground floor and two doors from the second floor. Using the doors on the second floor was a really bad idea, since there was no floor. We had actually secured them to ensure they couldn’t be opened. The other wall was covered in posters and window placards of plays and concerts
that I’d seen. It was getting full.

  “Rock posters?” Zeke pointed at a poster.

  “I like rock music.”

  “Who is he?”

  “A pioneer in music, Sascha Konietzko, lead singer of KMFDM.”

  “He doesn’t look much like a pioneer.”

  “Some pioneers look like Ben Franklin, some like Sascha. It doesn’t mean he didn’t do great things. He took rock music and gave it a unique sound. He’s also been the heart and soul of his band for about 20 years. As others came and went, Sascha stayed. The band still flourishes, however, if Sascha left, I don’t think it would survive.”

  “And him?” Zeke pointed to another poster.

  “The Edge, guitarist for U2. He’s an amazing guitarist and he’s pretty to look at.” I smiled at him.

  “Ah, this is the first time I’ve ever seen your taste in men. I didn’t figure you for the type to like the clean cut look.”

  “I also think Sascha’s pretty to look at.”

  “Those two are completely different.”

  “I know, I don’t really have a type. I like men who are exceptional and different. People like Sascha and The Edge, have done amazing things for music. Clive Barker is an incredible writer, I like him too.”

  “You don’t have a picture of him.”

  “Nope, just musicians and plays. Are you done in here?”

  “Sure, what’s next?”

  “That only leaves my bedroom.” We went up the stairs. I opened my bedroom and flipped on the light.

  “More pictures. Why don’t you have any pictures in the rest of the house? The rest of the house seems sterile next to these two rooms.”

  “I don’t know, I just don’t. See, this room isn’t all that great.” I leaned against the door frame as Zeke examined the prints of dragons and nature scenes. “Feel free to put stuff up in the spare room if you want.”

  “Dragons and rock music. Huh.”

  “What?” I asked.

  “I just never pictured those things in your house. You only listen to classical music at work and your pictures are of your dogs.”

  “Living here, you’ll probably learn lots about me. This house doesn’t really reflect me because I’ve never taken the time to decorate. My room and the library are where I spend a good deal of time.”