Dysfunctional Affair

by James, Hadena

  “That’s not what I was going to say. I was going to say, you’re more than just a boss. I consider you my friend. Anthony and I rearranged the hell out of schedules and called in the reserves to make sure that you and Alex had only the best protecting you. This isn’t just another job, it’s personal. It always is when you’re involved.” He stroked my hair for a moment. The touch was needed, appreciated. I realized I still felt insecure, someone had followed me from my home to the store and then just waited for me to make a mistake so they could kidnap me. I would have to be more careful. Some of my habits would have to be changed for a while. I hoped the press got tired of the stories soon, tired of splashing my face all over the news.

  “What are you thinking so hard about?” He asked after several minutes of silence.

  “My life. Sometimes I wonder how it got like this, but I have the nagging feeling, it’s always been like this. It’s kind of a depressing thought really.”

  “It just means you’re interesting.”

  “Or cursed. I’m currently leaning towards cursed.”

  “I thought you were an optimist?”

  “I am being optimistic.” I sighed.

  “What do you want for breakfast in the morning?”

  “Cereal.”

  “Ok, I was going to offer you waffles covered in strawberries and whipped cream, but I could probably fix a bowl of cereal.”

  “You don’t have to cook for me. I am capable of eating cereal and take out.”

  “Yes, but your mother is coming tomorrow, you might need the meal to get you through the day.”

  “Hmm, good point.” If I’m a little crazy, my mom belongs in an institution. I love her to death, but she can be… tedious, sometimes.

  “So would you prefer cereal or waffles?”

  “I love waffles.” I closed my eyes, scratching Adar’s belly, my head resting on Set and fell asleep.

  Chapter Seven

  “Nadine, I think, oh my, oh dear, I’m sorry, I didn’t,” I raised my head from the dog “pillow” as my mother turned red. Zeke did the same.

  “I didn’t realize you had company.” She backed out of the room as fast as possible.

  “Damn,” I hung my head. Not the way to start a day.

  “I think your mom just got the wrong impression.” Zeke chuckled.

  “Funny, I think so too,” I moaned. “Now, I have to decide whether to try to change her mind, which will be nearly impossible or just let her think what she wants.”

  “I’ll make waffles and follow your lead.”

  “Fat lot of good you are.” I sat up, the dogs hopped from the bed and headed downstairs to investigate.

  “At least we were both mostly dressed.” He was kind of perky this morning. I frowned, he was using a very loose definition for mostly. Sure he had on sweats, but that was it. I was a little better, in a T-shirt and shorts. All the naughty bits were covered up, however, it wouldn’t qualify as mostly dressed in my mom’s opinion. Mostly dressed would include underclothing for both of us. While I wasn’t entirely sure if Zeke had on anything under the sweats, I knew I didn’t.

  “Good lord, this is going to be a long day.” I shooed Zeke from the room and got entirely dressed, jeans, long sleeves, underclothes, socks and shoes. But I was slow. My mom knocked on the door.

  “Come in, mom.” I called, pulling on my socks.

  “Hi honey, Zeke said you were trying to change, I thought I’d come see if you needed any help.”

  “Mom,” I took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “This morning was…”

  “You don’t have to explain to me, you’re an adult. If Zeke suits you, that’s fine with me. I just wish you had chosen someone who wasn’t married.” She frowned for half a second and then the smile was back. “But I’m sure that’s more convenient to your life style. You don’t have to worry about messy commitments and things.”

  “He’s divorced.” I blurted and wished I could bit my tongue off.

  “Oh, hopefully not because of you. I guess they were already having some problems then. Of course, if they…”

  “Mom, I’m was not having an affair with Zeke while he was with his wife.” This is what I mean by tedious. She is always jumping to her own conclusions and never listens to anyone.

  “Well, of course not, Nadine, I’m sure I raised you better than that. It’s nice that you’re finally dating dear. I’m sure Zeke is a lovely man.”

  “No, mom, we aren’t dating at all,” I took another deep steadying breath and wondered why I was bothering to try.

  “So, it’s just sex? Well, that’s ok too, I suppose. I mean we didn’t do that sort of thing in my day, but busy career women such as you and Alex, probably don’t have the time or energy for much more. I’ve always thought he would be good in bed.”

  “Oh that is just so wrong it’s painful.” I closed my eyes, trying to wipe the comment from my head. “I’m not having sex with him either. I had Anthony, Heather, Thomas and Zeke in my house last night and I only have two rooms. Anthony doesn’t like to sleep with the dogs, Zeke didn’t mind, so he came in here to sleep. That’s all, we just slept.”

  “That’s all?” My mom scowled. “When are you going to start thinking about having a relationship or at least a little fun? You are surrounded by good looking men all the time and you keep the relationships completely plutonic. I thought that almost getting killed would make you reevaluate your life, show you how much you’re missing. I thought you might at least take a night to get some.”

  My mouth fell open. This was too much even for my mom. I wondered if aliens had secretly snatched her in Florida, then replaced her with a duplicate.

  “Alex and Anthony both take time away from their jobs to have a life. I know their work is just as dangerous and crazy as yours, if they do it, why can’t you? Your brother takes time from his job to have a life and he’s in the Secret Service for heaven’s sake. Why can’t you take a night every once in a while and just have some fun? I mean you aren’t going to…”

  The bedroom door opened, saving me from the rest of the lecture. The last thing on my list of things to do was be lectured by my mother because I wasn’t having enough sex. Funny, your life gets threatened and suddenly everyone is thinking about sex and dating. I was thinking about all the great books I’d never get to read. Someone’s priorities were out of order and something told me it was probably mine.

  “Nadine, Mrs. Daniels, the waffles are ready.” Zeke pulled his head out the door quickly as my mom turned to look at him, the big chicken.

  “And he cooks,” mom’s face brightened. I wanted to crawl under the covers and hide until tomorrow or next year.

  “Mom,” Anthony pulled out a chair for Melina. I couldn’t remember when he’d started calling her mom, but he did, along with just about everyone else who had spent a couple of hours in her house. Even Alex called her mom. The nice thing was, mom was very down to earth, in a strange sort of way. She understood how things worked and managed not to judge them, preferring to go along with them. That was her way, very easy going. Most moms didn’t like it when their daughters brought home pictures of strange men, with strange attire. When I’d brought home the poster of Sascha Konietzko with his foot-tall mohawk, she’d said “I like the blonde tips and sunglasses.”

  “Mrs. Daniels, I have strawberries, blueberries, blackberries or elderberries for waffles. Which would you prefer?”

  “Nobody calls me Mrs. Daniels, please call me Melina. How about strawberries. Blackberries are Nadine’s favorite, I want to make sure she has plenty.”

  “Would you like whipped cream?” Zeke set about pouring strawberries on mom’s waffles. I watched him feeling a bit guilty that he was going to have to put up with her all day. I knew mom would bring up the “fun” thing again.

  “Yes please.” Mom was also very polite.

  Zeke poured blackberries on my waffle and topped it with an enormous dab of whipped cream. I don’t know which bothered me more, the fact th
at he was serving us or that he had taken my mom’s comment about blackberries without asking my preference. It was stupid, I really did love blackberries, I had no idea how he had hidden them in my fridge, but it was still unsettling.

  “Where’s mine?” Anthony asked as Zeke finished giving me my plate and sat down to join us.

  “Are your legs broke?” Zeke chided. “I fixed the waffles and the toppings, you can fix your own plate.”

  “Shit, its Monday.” I said absently. Obviously, I wasn’t going into work, but I still felt like I should have been.

  “Nadine Duscha Daniels, watch your language,” mom scolded me. I bit my tongue to remind myself not to cuss in her presence and cringed. She hated bad language.

  “You’re named Nadine Duscha Daniels?” A smile curled Zeke’s lips up.

  “Yes and if you want to stay employed, you’ll stop smiling.” I frowned at him.

  “Hey, I’ve just never heard the name Duscha before,” he concentrated hard on his waffles. I flung a blackberry at him anyway. It hit him right on the top of his shaved head, slid down, leaving a purplish trail and plopped onto his plate.

  “It means ‘ghost’,” Melina cocked her head to one side and frowned at me. “I can’t believe you are throwing food. You are thirty one years old, you should have outgrown that stage by now.”

  “He’s being an as…” I thought for a moment, “he’s being a jerk and laughing at my name. You don’t see me laughing at his name.” I thought for another moment. “What is your name?”

  “You think I’m going to tell you after you flung a blackberry at me?”

  “Yes.” I smiled at him.

  He shrugged his shoulders, “Ezekiel Gervaise Laroche.”

  “Is that French?” Melina asked, shoving a piece of strawberry into her mouth.

  “Yes, my parents are from a French island in the Caribbean.”

  “Really? Which island?”

  “Tahiti.” Zeke looked up at her.

  “Cool, have you ever been?” Melina continued on.

  “Yes, I go back once in a while, my grandparents still live there and my parents moved back there when they retired.”

  “How interesting.” I realized, at that moment, my mother was up to something. I wasn’t sure what it was, however, I was willing to bet my life savings that I wasn’t going to like it. “Do you have any siblings?”

  “I have four brothers,” I chimed, “but you already knew that.” Mom frowned at me. Yeah, there are five of us, that’s part of the reason I’m so tough. We all have big families, Alex is the oldest of five girls and two boys. We still can’t figure out why her mom decided seven was a good number of children. I think she should have stopped after one.

  “I wasn’t asking you dear.”

  “I have one brother,” Zeke shot a look at me. Almost instantaneously he and Anthony began making small gestures at me. I raised my eyebrows, I had no idea what they were gesturing about. I looked at the table, no bugs, the dogs were all outside and I didn’t see them at the door.

  I rested my forehead against my hand and poked at my waffle. While it tasted delicious, I wasn’t very hungry anymore. Mom was trying to play matchmaker. I didn’t like the odds and I wasn’t entirely sure about the choice either. I sighed heavily to make her realize I didn’t like her plans.

  “Nadine, did you elope while I was in Florida?” Mom asked. I looked up at her. Zeke and Anthony both tossed their hands into the air.

  “What are you talking about?” I responded.

  “You’re wearing a wedding ring.” Her voice was calm and questioning. That’s what the gesturing was about, I’d forgotten to take it off. The idea of being kidnapped was looking more appealing. Mom was many things, stupid wasn’t one of them. “Zeke is wearing the mate. If you want to elope, that’s fine dear, but you could at least tell me about it. He seems like a perfectly nice man. I don’t know him very well, but he is polite and the two of you are really cute together. I can’t imagine why you would hide it. Is it because he’s Tahitian? I thought I raised you better than that.” Zeke fell out of his chair, no longer able to contain his laughter. Anthony was also laughing, his face red from lack of oxygen and the force of holding it in. Tears silently streamed down his face. I felt about an inch tall. “You’re grandparents are immigrants, just because their Russian, doesn’t make them any better than Zeke’s parents. Everyone comes from somewhere.”

  Both men were now gasping for breath. I wanted to disappear, wanted them to disappear. This is what I mean by a crazy mother.

  “It has nothing to do with him being Tahitian,” I forced my voice to be calm. “It’s…”

  “Is it because he’s black?” Melina’s asked, her face stern. “Because if that’s the problem, I want you to know I think that’s just poppycock. Black, green, purple with orange polka dots, we are all still people. I know that some of your father’s family might not approve, but what do they know. If you’re both happy, that’s the important part. Do you think my family was all that happy about me marrying into an Irish Catholic family? Or your father into Orthodoxy? No, but did we listen?” My mom paused, “huh, maybe we should have. Ok, bad example. Look at Alex, how long has she been with the plastic surgeon? Ages, but she has never given into pressure and married him. They have a useful working relationship, even if it doesn’t conform to the family’s ideas. Does she care?”

  Zeke and Anthony were finally taking control of themselves. I was evaluating the available space under the table. If I moved carefully, I could probably fit under it.

  “Are you French Catholic?” Melina looked at Zeke.

  “No, ma’am.” He was still grinning from ear to ear.

  “Oh, that will be nice, then you won’t have to hear the Catholic speech from your grandfather. I can probably get the reception set up for two weeks from this past weekend. You understand that while eloping is fine, you must have a reception, think about all the wonderful gifts you’ll get.” I waited for Zeke to protest, maybe if he said something, she’d listen to him. “You might even get a full set of pans. While I know that doesn’t mean much to you, Nadine, I noticed Zeke cooks, he’d probably like a nice set of pans.”

  “Actually, Melina, I convinced her to buy a full set of pans when I moved in. We still need some more sheets, towels, dishes, pictures of the family for the walls would be good,” Zeke paused and looked around the room. My mouth hung open.

  “Are you insane?” I finally sputtered.

  “No, I think pictures of your family would be nice for the walls. We could get matching frames for them. I know I’d like to put up some pictures of my family. This house is too sterile for my tastes.” Obviously Zeke wasn’t going to be any help.

  “Now, Nadine, I know it’s surprising to find yourself married. Especially since you always said it wouldn’t happen to you. But you’ve almost been killed three times in the past year, that does make you reconsider things. No one is going to hold it against you that you got married. And Zeke seems more than willing to help you adjust. Since he’s had some experience with it, it seems like a good idea for you to let him help.” Melina thought for a moment, “don’t worry, Zeke. Russian Orthodoxy firmly believes in divorce, so that won’t be held against you. Now, I will warn you that my father is a priest, he won’t like the fact that Nadine eloped, but he’ll get over it. Until he does, you may have to deal with a couple of jabs. Of course, he’ll be happy that she did finally get married. He’s kind of old fashioned, thinks everyone should be married at least once.” My mom laughed at her own joke. I crawled under the table. “Now Nadine, is that anyway to act? We’ll keep the reception informal so that you can wear jeans, you don’t have to put on some froofy dress.”

  Logically, I knew I needed to stop her, however, I also knew she wasn’t going to listen to anything I said at this point. She was determined to think that Zeke and I were married and nothing I said or did would make her think otherwise.

  “I think she’s overwhelmed. See, I didn’t
move in until last week.” I could tell Zeke was smiling. “She’s had to adjust to that and then she was kidnapped, I think we should put the reception off for a while longer. If nothing else, we can postpone it a couple of months and have a real Russian ceremony. I had no idea her grandfather was a priest, I wouldn’t want to take that away from him. Will I need to convert to Orthodoxy for the ceremony to be performed in a church?”

  “No, as long as you aren’t Catholic, my father will have no trouble doing the ceremony and since you are already married, it’s just a technicality anyway. See, Nadine, you married well, he’s willing to make concessions to help the transition along. I really like him.” My mom was bubbling over with happiness at something that was completely false and there was nothing I could do about it. Welcome to my world.

  “And he cooks,” Anthony added. The sound of his voice made me shrink into myself. He knew what my mother was like, yet he was just going right along with it too. I found myself with two options, I could stay under the table all day or I could crawl out and face the fact that I didn’t have a say in anything that was going to happen over the next 24 hours. Staying under the table seemed my best option. Oh, and I was going to have to fire Anthony and Zeke for stringing her along. Great, that meant I was going to have to do interviews for their positions when I returned to work. Suddenly, Alex and Sebastian seemed the least of my problems, them I could handle, I might even listen to the details if she wanted to talk.

  “Honey, please come out from under the table.” It was Zeke talking and he’d called me “honey”. This day is just getting better and better I thought bitterly.

  “Oh, Nadine Daniels,” mom paused. “Wait, are you still Daniels or are you going to use Laroche? Get your butt up here so we can discuss this.”

  “Perhaps I should go, maybe she doesn’t want to talk in front of me.” Anthony was laughing again. I brought my fist down hard on his toes. He let out a yelp, moving his socked feet out of my reach. The movement brought pain to me, but it was worth it.