Dysfunctional Affair

by James, Hadena

  “Yeah, but you almost died, again, and he did try to cover you with his body. I think you could give him something more than a hug.”

  “He did not.”

  “Yes I did, but you started trying to get Anubis loose, so I gave up.” Zeke responded. I threw up my hands.

  “Why would you do that?”

  “Duh, that’s what you do when you love someone,” I was going to kill Ivan here in a minute. It didn’t matter that we were in a police station, I still had a gun and I knew how to use it.

  Zeke grabbed me, pulled me in and kissed me. I had no time to react or even panic. It was chaste, no tongue, just a brushing of lips. When he released me, I nearly fell. He strolled out of the police station like it hadn’t happened.

  “That’s more like it,” Ivan smiled, “come on sis, let me get you home. Anthony took Set and Loki home, Alex and Sebastian took Anubis to the vet. You’re stuck with me cause everyone else is too busy to protect you.” Ivan studied the line of my clothes, “they didn’t make you give that up when you came in?”

  “No,” I smiled at him. “Oh shit, I gave mom a gun, what the hell was I thinking this morning?”

  “Then now, would not be the time to try to convince her you aren’t really married to Zeke and haven’t figured out a way out of this whole wedding thing.”

  “You know?”

  “Zeke told me on the way over.”

  “And you still encouraged me to kiss him?!” I yelled at him in Russian. This was pretty standard, when I fought with my brothers, it was never in English. “Ivan Callum Daniels why would you do that?” Yes, my brothers with Russian first names have Irish middle names, my brothers with Irish first names have Russian middle names. Cute, huh? I was the exception, everything but my last name was Slavic.

  “To see if you really are dead from the neck down.” He yelled back in Russian. “I told Zeke to kiss you if you didn’t kiss him. He was doing me a favor and probably you too.”

  “What?” I lowered my voice, people were starting to stare at us. The really nice thing about Russian though is that almost no one knows it. Everyone’s afraid of the Cyrillic alphabet, so they stick to languages like French and Spanish.

  “Nadine, you haven’t been on a date since you were a junior in college. And I’m pretty sure it’s been that long since you’ve had sex, if you’ve ever had sex. That’s a long damn time for anyone. You are 31 years old, start dating and stop getting shot at!” His voice faltered. “No one will ever be good enough for you, you’re my little sister, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop dating entirely.”

  “You think I stopped dating because of the four of you?” I shook my head. “Come on, I’ll explain on the way home.”

  Once we were safely in the car, I switched from Russian to English. There was something that needed to be cleared up. Surely my brothers didn’t believe they were the cause of me not having a love life… that couldn’t be right.

  “I haven’t dated since college because the last time I dated the guy cheated on me.”

  “That’s all?” Ivan looked puzzled. “He cheated on you?”

  “I know, but every guy I’ve ever dated has cheated on me with someone. Oh and for the record, I’m not a virgin and I have had sex in that eleven year dating hiatus.”

  “Don’t tell me anymore about that, I don’t want to know about your sex life.” He paused, “ok, maybe one thing, how long ago was that last encounter.”

  “A long damn time.” I muttered. “Eight or maybe nine years.”

  “Holy shit,” Ivan glanced at me. “Do you want me to set you up with someone?”

  “No, oh good lord, no,” I closed my eyes. “I have enough on my plate right now just trying to figure out what to do about Zeke and survival.”

  “I can’t believe mom won’t believe you.”

  “Remember when she tricked me into going to prom?”

  “Yes,” Ivan slowed down to take a turn and immediately stepped on the gas again. The jerking was slightly nauseating.

  “I think she’s doing that again. Zeke’s too chicken to tell her, Alex and Anthony are enjoying it too much to stop it. I just don’t know what to do. She’s going to trick me into getting married by ignoring me while everyone else is just sits on their hands and laughs.”

  “That sucks, sis. Sorry, wish I could help.”

  “You could tell her.”

  “Nope, I’m going to be one of those people that just sits on their hands and laughs. You might as well cross all your brothers off the list, none of us are going to tell her, we’re afraid she’ll concentrate her efforts on us.”

  “You suck.”

  “Yep, but I’m married with three kids because of that woman, Liam, Devlin and Vladik aren’t about to get her match-making skills turned on them. You and Zeke are on your own. At least you make a cute couple.”

  “Yeah and he cooks too.” I rubbed my eyes. “I am exhausted.”

  “Are you going to tell me why someone’s trying to kill you?”

  “It’s illegal.”

  “To tell me?”

  “No, the reason people are trying to kill me.”

  Ivan drove and thought for a long time. Finally he stopped the car, pulling over onto the side of the road, took out his badge and tossed it in the glove compartment. He locked it, pulling back onto the road.

  “Then tell me as your brother and not a cop.”

  “Is there a difference?”

  “Yes, I love you, I want you protected, if you can’t tell me because I’m a cop, then I won’t be a cop. I only have one sister.”

  “That you won’t help out of a marriage problem.”

  “True, but that’s mom, I won’t fight her. However, bad guys with guns, those I can help you with.”

  I sighed and laid all the sordid details on the table. My brother commented at all the right places. And he managed to be my brother and not a detective.

  Chapter Twelve

  My eyes blinked open in the darkness. It was just after midnight. The dogs had crawled off the bed, something had their attention. It had Zeke’s too; he slithered from the bed, taking his gun from the nightstand. I grabbed mine.

  “What is it?” I whispered.

  “Car,” Zeke whispered back. Was I expecting anyone? Oh yeah, yeah I was. Shit.

  “Liam,” I kept my voice low, but not quite whispering anymore.

  “Perhaps,” Zeke moved to the window. “I don’t remember what Liam looks like.”

  “Well, you’ve only met him once,” I moved up beside him and stared at the driveway. A taxi sat idling on the dirt road. That cab must have cost him a fortune; I wondered why he hadn’t called anyone to come get him.

  A tall, broad shouldered figure stood in the circle of lights. My brothers all look like the stereotypical Russian. Big, bulky and dark. Each of them had rich, thick black hair, with strong faces and dark features; they were over six foot tall and could bench press me like I was made of paper. Not the type of people you wanted to meet in a dark ally. Actually, all the Chzov men looked like that. The women were pretty similar. They had dark hair, dark eyes, a Mediterranean skin tone, luckily, they seemed to have missed the stern chiseled face look. And they were all tall, my mom was about four inches taller and Alex was about six inches taller than me. I had inherited height from my father’s side of the family, with thick soled shoes; I was still only about 5’2” tall. Funny how that happens. Anthony’s family was more of a Nordic Slav, with blonde hair and blue eyes, all those years of mixing with the Varangians, I supposed.

  “That’s Liam,” I let the curtain fall back into place.

  “Is he taller than me?” Zeke asked.

  “Does it matter?”

  “Maybe.”

  “Don’t you dare get a complex now.” I tucked the gun back into the holster. “We should go downstairs.”

  This was the other reason I didn’t date, men are so strange. Zeke was probably about 6’4”, he was tall even for a man. And even if he w
as shorter, they would still have a fight on their hands, my brothers didn’t have Special Forces training, Zeke did. It must be some of that macho bullshit.

  I opened the door, just in time to keep Liam from ringing the bell. He smiled when he saw me, grabbed me, pulling me in for a bear hug. Pain and surprise forced a yelp from me. He dropped me, my feet thudded against the wood and I staggered back.

  “Do you have to do that every time you see me?” I asked, gaining my balance. “I am perfectly capable of standing and hugging you.”

  “Ivan’s right, you are cranky.” Liam brought his suitcases in.

  “Mom is asleep upstairs, she was supposed to go home with Ivan, but she wanted to stay here and Ivan didn’t press the matter,” I responded as if that should explain my crankiness. Liam must have bought it, because he smiled knowingly.

  “Then we should be quiet, I don’t want to wake her.” Liam gently set two suitcases by the front door. He ran out, paid the cab and then dashed back to the house. Anthony went to start a pot of coffee. Zeke stood very still and quiet. I was willing to bet it had something to do with testosterone levels and male egos.

  “Zeke, this is my brother Liam, Liam this is Zeke Laroche,” I introduced them.

  “Oh, yeah, I sort of remember you. We meet, I don’t know, five years ago maybe at a Christmas party.” Liam shook Zeke’s hand.

  “Yeah, I remember that faintly.” Zeke was quiet, but smiling, that was an improvement. I shook my head, I didn’t have time or energy for this.

  “And you know Anthony. Alex is here, she spent the night to see you, but she’s upstairs sharing a bed with mom.” I looked around.

  “Alex and mom are sharing a bed?” Liam walked in to the dining room, take a seat at the table.

  “I offered her my half of the bed, but Melina insisted that I stay with Nadine.” Zeke sat down across from him. I sat down between my brother and my fake husband wondering what their problem was. Sebastian giggled.

  “Oh yeah, and that’s Sebastian, he’s another of my employees, I’m sure you met him at that party too.” Liam and Sebastian shook hands. Sebastian pulled one of the bar chairs over to the table. It made him too tall to fit his legs under it, but it worked.

  “Ivan called me, told me what was going on. Are you ok?”

  “Which part of what’s going on?” I asked.

  “About the death threats, is there more than that?”

  “No, but all him and Vladik wanted to talk about was my wedding, so I didn’t know if you were discussing that or the attempts on my life.” I shrugged, just another day for me. “And he talked to Devlin after that, so I’m sure they discussed it as well.”

  “Which part?” Liam frowned. It made him look like he had a unibrow.

  “My point exactly,” I smiled.

  “Oh, yeah, I get it.” Liam leaned back in the chair. I heard the wood protest. I hoped he didn’t break my chair.

  “So, how long is this vacation?” I asked.

  “Hmm, about that, well,” Liam fidgeted some. It was the first time I’d ever seen him become uncomfortable. All three body guards suddenly seemed to want to find something else to do. Anthony, Zeke and Sebastian stood up from the table at once.

  “I think, we’ll uh, go, uh, check the perimeter.” Anthony announced, “there’s coffee brewing.”

  I stared at them, must be a guy thing. They must be able to read when one of them is about to say something embarrassing, so that others can run away.

  “And we’ll take the dogs.” Anthony added quickly.

  Zeke opened the back door letting all the dogs run outside. The dogs were excited about this, they didn’t get go roaming in the dark very often. The men left quickly, leaving me to frown at Liam.

  “I have been trying to get everyone to do that for a couple of days now, they always seem to be around, you’re here less than ten minutes and they all have other shit to do. That’s just wrong.”

  Liam stared at me for a minute, “do you always ramble when you’re nervous? I don’t remember you doing that when you were younger.”

  “I’m not nervous.”

  “I’m being transferred to KC.” Liam put his big hands together on top of my table. “I hate California, I asked for the transfer months ago. It was finally going to be pushed through at the end of October, I used mom’s call as an excuse to take off until then.”

  “So you’re here on vacation until the end of October,” I took a deep breath, maybe I did need to start drinking coffee. “Um where do you intend to live? Have you looked for an apartment, house, something?”

  “The transfer didn’t come through until yesterday. I’m kind of flying by the seat of my pants.”

  “You aren’t going to move in with mom are you? I don’t have much room, but we could probably find somewhere to put you.”

  “You’re rambling again.”

  “I’m just trying to figure out what I can do to help. If you need a place to live, you can stay here, I’ll warn you it’s a mad house and I don’t have a lot of room, but you’re more than welcome. I just need to know what we’re looking at.”

  “Oh, yeah, ok. I’ve never been homeless or on vacation.”

  “I’ve never been married before, it’s a month of firsts for everyone.” I forged ahead. “What do you intend to do?”

  “I’m jet lagged, you’re annoying.” Liam smiled.

  “Good, moving right along.”

  “I was expecting this from mom, not you.”

  “Oh God,” I stood up, the chair tipped over, “I’m turning into mom.”

  I felt tears well up. I was not going to cry over this. They spilled down my cheek. Ok, so maybe I was.

  “No, Nadine, you aren’t turning into mom.” Liam took hold of my shoulders. I hadn’t even noticed him moving towards me. “It’s just that normally, you ignore the details and mom brow beats them out of us.”

  He gently wiped away a tear. “It must be all the stress you’ve been under lately.”

  “Must be,” I sat back down. I was feeling better.

  “Geez, when you start turning into mom, we’ll tell you so. We have one crazy person, we don’t need two.”

  “Mom isn’t crazy.” I defended her, I wasn’t sure why.

  “Oh yes she is, it’s just hidden well. I love her just as much as you do, but let’s face it, the elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top. Do you remember about ten years ago, when I first got the job DEA job? She flew out to California to visit me.”

  “Yeah, what about it?”

  “There was an art exhibit in LA that I took her to, Russian art. She kept wondering, out loud mind you, where all the naked men were. She thought the art was dull because they all had their clothes on. The elevator stops a couple floors short.”

  “Oddly, I can picture mom doing that.”

  “Yes, it was slightly embarrassing and odd.” He paused, “she’s also afraid we are all going to die alone. She recently called Vladik to tell him that it was ok to be gay as long as he found some nice man to be his life partner.”

  “She thought Vladik was gay?”

  “No, she thinks Vladik is gay. He tried to convince her otherwise, but she is certain that the reason he doesn’t have a girlfriend is because he’s gay.”

  “The fact that he has a top-secret job doesn’t even figure into it?”

  “Not for her it doesn’t.” Liam sat back down, this time taking the seat across from me. “She thinks and does exactly what she wants, regardless of what anyone else says. She’s a nut.”

  “Does Ivan know she did this?”

  “Yes. Why?”

  “That explains so much.” I explained to Liam about Zeke and me.

  “Yeah, sis, you and he are on your own. There is no way to convince her otherwise. And if we get involved, it will only make things worse. I recommend Zeke either flee the area or the two of you get ready for a nice Russian wedding.”

  “Shit, I think we’re getting ready for the wedding.”


  “Well, the two of you are cute together and Ivan says Zeke cooks.”

  “That is becoming the joke of the week.” I put my head down on the table. “Everyone says that.”

  “You don’t cook, it’d be nice if you married someone who did.” Liam got up and poured himself a cup of coffee. “Maybe you should flee the area.”

  “She’s my mother, she’d track me down where ever I went.”

  “At least you’re getting laid now. And I want you to know you cost me twenty bucks. Ivan said you aren’t a virgin.”

  “I can’t believe you guys bet on my virginity, that’s just sick and really fucking wrong.”

  “Well, you don’t date. I thought it was because you were afraid to lose your virginity to the wrong guy.”

  “Ugh,” I didn’t know how to respond to that. “And didn’t you listen to what I said, Zeke and I haven’t even been on a date, let alone had sex. Wait, why am I discussing this with you?”

  “I’m your brother, who else are you supposed to talk to about your marriage woes?”

  “Oh good grief. I should just shoot myself.”

  “Nah, you’d probably miss and only take off part of an ear, then you’d look like Evander Holyfield. I don’t think that’d be a good look on you.”

  “Sod off,” I muttered. “What am I going to do?”

  “Same thing you’ve always done, adapt and get on with it.”

  “Do you want to stay here while you look for a place to live? The guys put up bunk beds in my library, I have room for six in there. There isn’t much privacy, but then there isn’t much in military barracks either. And once the death threats and assassination attempts calm down, you can move into the…” I sighed, Zeke was living in my spare room. “You can have the library to yourself.” In one week I’d gone from living by myself with my six dogs to having two new roommates. God was laughing at me.

  “Thanks sis, but I don’t want to be an inconvenience.”

  “You won’t be, it’s my life that’s the inconvenience.” I looked around the room. “I’m inconveniencing everyone by insisting I live. Do you realize that I now have seven people in my house? By the end of the week it will be fourteen people. All of them have lives and they can’t live them because I’m an idiot and can’t stop making enemies.”