The Best American Short Plays 2010-2011

by William W. Demastes

  [TOBY shakes his head. His cell phone goes off. He checks the caller ID. He looks up at WINSTON, who smiles, then gets out of the truck and exits. TOBY gets out, stretching as he answers.]

  TOBY Kels, thank God, are you okay?

  [Pause.]

  No, no, it’s all right, I got a ride. Some weird trucker.

  [Pause.]

  Okay, what is it?

  [Long pause; his jaw drops.]

  I’ve got a what?

  [Pause.]

  Yeah...yeah, of course you should have told me! What if something had happened to me? I would never have known... it’s a girl?

  [Pause.]

  Well, yeah, Kels, I’m kind of mad. It’s been over nine months. That baby had better have teeth by now. I’m sorry, but—

  [Pause.]

  I don’t know what to imply, all right?

  [Pause.]

  Yeah, of course I’m still coming home. Of course. I just...

  [WINSTON enters. TOBY turns away from him. WINSTON gets back in the cab of the truck, muttering.]

  WINSTON I can take a hint.

  TOBY I can’t talk now....Look, I’ll be home in a few hours.

  [TOBY hangs up and gets back in the truck. WINSTON pulls out. WINSTON finally can’t hold back any longer.]

  WINSTON Well?! What’d she say?

  TOBY I’m a father.

  WINSTON Well...I’ll be damned...congratulations, Mazel Tov... there might be a cigar in the glove box...um...so are you... are you the father?

  TOBY She said she didn’t tell me because she didn’t want to make it harder. On me.

  WINSTON It would have.

  TOBY That’s messed up, though, right? You don’t wait till the night your husband’s getting back after fourteen months and say, “Oh yeah, I almost forgot, we had a kid, surprise!”

  WINSTON You’re looking at this all wrong. What do you suppose it was like for her? Better yet, think of how you would have felt, knowing you were missing the whole thing. That’s the sort of worry that sucks you dry, leaves you with nothing. I can tell you from experience. It means she loves you. Making that kind of sacrifice? That’s what it means.

  TOBY But...it feels wrong. She was wrong.

  WINSTON Maybe she was. But a wrong thing ain’t always so wrong when it’s done for the right reasons. She did it to protect you. Love’s a pretty damn good reason to go and do something stupid.

  TOBY [Pause.] Her name’s Caroline. She’s got a tooth.

  WINSTON Wonderful.

  TOBY [Pause.] I’m going to do it.

  WINSTON That’s the spirit.

  TOBY I mean, the dead bodies, the video...let’s do it.

  WINSTON You serious?

  TOBY Let’s do it, Winston. Let’s go duct-tape these bastards to a merry-go-round. How I’m feeling right now...it’d be weird not to tape corpses to playground equipment.

  WINSTON Mona’s gonna shit. We’re gonna be rich.

  TOBY We should buy some antiseptic to spray it down afterward.

  WINSTON Good idea. You’re a thoughtful kind of person.

  TOBY You got a title yet? You gotta have something catchy, you know. Something that’ll get people’s attention, without giving too much away. How about “Circle of Death”? Or...“Cadaver Carousel”!

  WINSTON [Quietly.] I’ve got a title.

  TOBY Something that gets across the essence of the thing...“Life After Death,” no...“Joy in the Afterlife,” no...how about “The Fun Never Ends”?

  WINSTON I’ve already got the perfect title.

  TOBY What?

  WINSTON I’m gonna call it “Six Dead Bodies Duct-Taped to a Merry-Go-Round.”

  [TOBY stares at him, then nods and looks out the window as the lights fade.]

  TOBY That works too....

  • • •

  Starfishes

  Michael Ross Albert

  Starfishes by Michael Ross Albert. Copyright © 2012 by Michael Ross Albert. All rights reserved. Reprinted by permission of the author.

  CAUTION/ADVICE: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that performance of Starfishes is subject to a royalty. It is fully protected under the copyright laws of the United States of America, and of all countries covered by the International Copyright Union (including the Dominion of Canada and the rest of the British Commonwealth), and of all countries covered by the Pan-American Copyright Convention and the Universal Copyright Convention, the Berne Convention, and of all countries with which the United States has reciprocal copyright relations. All rights, including professional and amateur stage performing rights, motion picture, recitation, lecturing, public reading, radio broadcasting, television, video or sound recording, all other forms of mechanical or electronic reproduction, such as CD-ROM, DVD-ROM, information storage and retrieval systems, and photocopying, and the rights of translation into foreign languages, are strictly reserved. Particular emphasis is placed upon the matter of readings, permission for which must be secured from the author’s agent in writing.

  Inquiries concerning rights should be addressed to info@michaelrossalbert.com.

  Michael Ross Albert

  Michael Ross Albert is the author of several one-act plays, including For the Winter (35th Annual Samuel French Off-Off Broadway Short Play Contest), Karenin’s Anna (Standard Deviation Theatre Company), and Four Sons (winner, Under 20s Playwriting Contest, Tarragon Theatre). His full-length plays include Chagrin (New York International Fringe Festival), Tough Jews (In the Beginning Festival, Harold Green Jewish Theatre Company), and Pillars of Salt (Holy Blossom Stagecraft). He received an MFA in playwriting from the Actors Studio Drama School. He is an associate member of the Dramatists Guild of America, and a member of the Playwright-Director Workshop at the Actors Studio in New York City.

  • • • Production History • • •

  Starfishes received its world-premiere production Off-Broadway at the Theatre at Dance New Amsterdam as part of the Actors Studio Drama School’s 2011 repertory season, featuring the following cast and creative team:

  ELI, Brad Harris

  CHASTITY, Shereen Macklin

  Directed by Mekeva McNeil

  Production Design by Shawn Lewis

  Stage Manager, Joseph A. Onorato

  Characters

  ELI, a man in his late 20s

  CHASTITY, a prostitute

  • • •

  [A Nova Scotia lighthouse in the late 1980s. The sitting room. A front door leading outside is upstage. On the opposite end of the upstage wall, a spiral staircase leading up. There is a window through which the maritime coast can be seen. A bookshelf, neatly stacked with books. A rotary phone. Comfortable, antiquated furniture. A rug covers a hardwood floor. Oil lanterns. A crucifix. The sound of waves crashing against the cliff. ELI is pacing the room anxiously. There is a loud, angry knock at the door. It continues throughout the following.]

  ELI I’m sorry, I told you, this is a big misunderstanding.

  [More knocking.]

  I can’t let you in.

  [More knocking.]

  This lighthouse is the property of the federal government.

  [More knocking.]

  If you continue to create a disturbance, I am required to alert the coast guard. Do you understand?

  [More knocking.]

  Argh!

  [He goes to the door and opens it a crack.]

  CHASTITY Jesus Christ, what the hell’s the matter with—

  ELI I’m sorry, this is a terrible mistake.

  CHASTITY Let me in!

  ELI No, I really can’t do that.

  CHASTITY At least let me warm up for a minute!

  ELI Miss, this is federal property!

  CHASTITY I’m in the middle of nowhere. I can’t see a damn thing with all the fog coming in—

  ELI I’m really sorry....Good-bye.

  CHASTITY Come on, it’s freezing.

  ELI I...listen, I can’t...

  CHASTITY Please! It’s getting dark!

  [B
eat.]

  Hello? It’s getting dark!

  [Beat.]

  Please, it’s—

  ELI All right! Just for a minute, and that’s it.

  [He steps aside. CHASTITY enters. She is a prostitute.]

  CHASTITY Two hundred dollars.

  ELI Okay, listen, lady...

  CHASTITY Do you know how long I’ve been standing outside? In the freezing cold? And you can’t even pay me? Uh-uh. I’m getting Rodney.

  ELI Rodney....Who’s...who’s Rodney?

  CHASTITY Who do you think Rodney is? He’s the man about to come inside your lighthouse and fuck you up. Understand?

  ELI Okay. Maybe we can sort this out.

  CHASTITY You wanna sort it out? Give me two hundred dollars.

  ELI Why should I have to pay you anything? We haven’t...copulated.

  CHASTITY Copulated?

  ELI We haven’t...you know...

  CHASTITY I know what copulated means, sweetheart. I just never heard anybody say it before in a sentence. And I’m in a line of business where there are a lot of chances for it to be said.

  ELI Yes, I can see that.

  CHASTITY Someone called. They told me to come all the way out to the edge of the cliff, to go to the lighthouse—

  ELI I’m sorry, but I don’t know anything about that.

  CHASTITY Well, someone called.

  ELI It wasn’t me.

  CHASTITY I don’t care who it was. It took me an hour and a half to get here from the city. The fog’s getting so thick, I had to walk the last kilometer in front of the headlights so Rodney could see where he was going. I expect to be paid.

  ELI I shouldn’t have to pay you. We haven’t—

  CHASTITY Oh, you don’t have to tell me. It is painfully obvious that you and I have not copulated. And that you haven’t copulated with anybody in a really long time. Is that true?

  ELI That’s none of your business.

  CHASTITY I thought so.

  [Beat.]

  I need that money.

  ELI No, you need to leave. I have a lot of work to do. My mother will be home from Bingo soon—

  CHASTITY Bingo!?

  ELI She’s not going to be too happy if she comes home and the light’s not lit and I’m with a...a...

  CHASTITY A what?

  ELI Look, I’m sorry you got sent out here. But I shouldn’t have to pay you.

  CHASTITY You’re right. You shouldn’t.

  ELI Uh...

  CHASTITY Not unless you wanna take advantage of my services.

  ELI Your...services?

  CHASTITY I mean, I’m here...you’re here...

  ELI Oh no, I couldn’t.

  CHASTITY Why not, stud? You don’t like me?

  ELI Well, I think you’re very...

  CHASTITY Why don’t you like me?

  ELI I hardly know you. But. You strike me as a very...nice young lady.

  CHASTITY Oh. I get it.

  [She gathers her things.]

  ELI What are you doing?

  CHASTITY I thought I could at least try to seduce you. I shoulda figured, though. This furniture, the décor. I shoulda figured you didn’t like women.

  ELI What?

  CHASTITY Well, you don’t, do you?

  ELI Don’t what?

  CHASTITY You don’t like women?

  ELI Well...

  CHASTITY You’re one of those guys that’s into guys, eh?

  ELI No.

  CHASTITY Oh, please.

  ELI What? Really, I’m not.

  CHASTITY All right. You don’t like women, you don’t like men. Who do you like?

  ELI No one.

  [Beat.]

  CHASTITY What do you mean, no one?

  ELI Listen, I have to see if the whistle buoy’s shifted its position.

  CHASTITY Wait a second. Let me get this straight.

  ELI I have serious work to do!

  CHASTITY You don’t have sex with anybody?

  ELI If you don’t leave right now—

  CHASTITY You’re telling me you don’t have sex at all?!

  ELI No, I don’t! All right!? I don’t have sex! Ever!

  [Beat.]

  CHASTITY Wait. You’re not a virgin, are you?

  [Pause.]

  Well, aren’t we a match made in heaven?

  ELI This has been a lot of fun, but you are trespassing on government property.

  CHASTITY I’m sorry. It’s just...I didn’t think anyone was a virgin anymore.

  ELI Yeah, it’s really funny.

  CHASTITY Even the word. Virgin. It sounds so...sacrificial. Hey, y’know, maybe that’s why you live in a lighthouse.

  ELI Why?

  CHASTITY ’Cuz you need to get laid.

  ELI What does that have anything to do with—

  CHASTITY It’s a giant phallic symbol.

  ELI Phallic symbol?

  CHASTITY You live in a building shaped like a gigantic dildo. You live inside a shiny metal penis. Ha, this is too funny! Fucking droll is what this is.

  ELI You’re pretty well-spoken for a prostitute.

  CHASTITY What did you just say?

  ELI Nothing.

  CHASTITY What the fuck did you just say? I’m pretty well-spoken for a prostitute? I know a lotta fancy words for a common whore, is that what you mean?

  ELI I wasn’t trying to offend—

  CHASTITY Let me tell you something, I went to night school!

  ELI Uh-huh.

  CHASTITY I am a well-educated woman. Understand?

  ELI Sure.

  CHASTITY I’m not sucking dick for yayo. I’ve got a life. And an associate’s degree. All right?

  ELI Okay! Would you stop pestering me? I have to light the lamp.

  CHASTITY It doesn’t turn on automatically?

  ELI Not yet it doesn’t. That’s why I live here. Inside this giant metal phallic symbol. I turn on the light.

  CHASTITY No, you live here ’cuz you need to get some ass.

  [She picks up a book and pretends to read.]

  “There once was a virgin who lived in a dick.”

  ELI This lighthouse has been in my family for—

  CHASTITY “Who desperately wanted some pussy to lick!” Ha! I’m a fucking poet!

  ELI You know what?!

  CHASTITY What?

  ELI Never mind. You’re right! I live inside a dick! My grandfather, who stopped offshore oil spills, he lived inside a dick. And my great-grandfather who spent his whole life rescuing other people, he lived inside a dick. And every generation of my family for more than a hundred and eighty-five years has lived inside a giant dick!

  CHASTITY See, you’re getting all angry because of your sexual repression.

  ELI Did you learn that in night school?

  CHASTITY No, I learned that by dragging my ass all the way to your goddamn lighthouse.

  ELI Did you really go to night school?

  CHASTITY What? That seems strange to you?

  ELI It’s just, didn’t that get in the way of...work hours?

  CHASTITY Darling, in my line of business, every hour of the day has the potential to be a working one. And when I was young and green, I worked during the afternoons so I could pay to go to school at night. Wanna see where I keep the world’s smallest violin?

  ELI How long have you been doing this for?

  CHASTITY Oh, don’t make me talk about that. It would ruin the mood.

  [Beat.]

  So are you planning on paying me, or do I have to get the man waiting outside in the Chevy Impala?

  ELI II just can’t, all right? It’s something about me, it’s just...I’m sorry.

  [She steps closer to him.]

  What are you doing?

  CHASTITY I wanted to get close to you.

  ELI Well...don’t.

  CHASTITY What’s your name?

  ELI Eli. What’s yours?

  CHASTITY Chastity.

  ELI What’s your real name?

  CHASTITY That is my real
name. They named me after my grandmother.

  ELI It’s a nice name.

  CHASTITY Yeah, well, it was the only nice thing about that woman. She was a nasty old Newfie who smelled like she worked at a cannery.

  ELI I was named after my father.

  CHASTITY Oh, is he at the Bingo too?

  ELI No, he drowned.

  [Beat.]

  When I was ten.

  CHASTITY How ’bout we sit down together?

  ELI Why?

  CHASTITY I wanna help you, Eli. You seem like a really good person. The guys around here, well...They’re fishermen. Sailors. Wedded to the sea. Desperate for some satisfaction when their marriage hits a dry spot. It’s easy work. But it’s the easy work that’s really hard, y’know? Makes you wonder why you do this at all. You’re different, though. I can tell that about you. You’re different from most men in the Maritimes. You’re landlocked.

  [Beat.]

  So? Are you going to invite me to sit down?

  ELI Sure....Hang on one second.

  [He puts a few paper towels over a segment of the couch. He motions to her to sit on the covered section. She does. He remains standing.]

  CHASTITY You’re not gonna join me?

  ELI Maybe in a minute.

  CHASTITY I want to try and figure this out.

  ELI Figure what out?

  CHASTITY I used to study the sciences.

  ELI In night school?

  CHASTITY I have an inquisitive mind.

  ELI What are you—

  CHASTITY And I wanna get to the bottom of this.

  ELI Of what?

  CHASTITY Everything in life (and this is a scientific fact), everything in life needs to fuck. Plants fuck. Sure, they get bees to carry their pollen around, but that’s still fucking. Otherwise, they wouldn’t reproduce. They wouldn’t grow. On top of that, bees and plants would be having a hell of a dull time, rooted to the ground all their lives, or flitting about making honey instead’a making sweet love. Am I wrong?

  ELI Well—

  CHASTITY Don’t contradict me. I’m right! Everything alive needs to fuck. Except you, Eli.

  ELI No, there are things, other things, that don’t need to, to have sex...to reproduce. They just...it just happens.

  CHASTITY Like what?

  ELI Take starfish, for example. They don’t need to have sex. Neither do I.

  CHASTITY Oh, please.

  ELI It’s true. I’m just...one of those exceptions to the rule.