The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 229
Now, you would be better off speaking first, and then when you were
out of things to say, you can
kiss. Good speakers, when they have nothing left to
say, spit, and when lovers run out of words – God
forbid that happen! – the best thing to do is kiss.
ORLANDO
How if the kiss be denied?
What if she denies my kiss?
ROSALIND
Then she puts you to entreaty, and there begins new matter.
Then she is making you beg, and that is a new conversation.
ORLANDO
Who could be out, being before his beloved mistress?
Who could run out of words if he was in front of his beloved?
ROSALIND
Marry, that should you, if I were your mistress, or
I should think my honesty ranker than my wit.
If I were your mistress, than you would run out of words, or
else my chastity would be worth less than my wit.
ORLANDO
What, of my suit?
And I would be out of my suit?
ROSALIND
Not out of your apparel, and yet out of your suit.
Not out of your clothes, but yes, out of your petition to love me.
Am not I your Rosalind?
Aren’t I your Rosalind?
ORLANDO
I take some joy to say you are, because I would be
talking of her.
I enjoy saying that you are, because then it is like I
am talking to her.
ROSALIND
Well in her person I say I will not have you.
Then pretending I am her, I will say that I do not want you.
ORLANDO
Then in mine own person I die.
Then pretending I am me, I will die.
ROSALIND
No, faith, die by attorney. The poor world is
almost six thousand years old, and in all this time
there was not any man died in his own person,
videlicit, in a love-cause. Troilus had his brains
dashed out with a Grecian club; yet he did what he
could to die before, and he is one of the patterns
of love. Leander, he would have lived many a fair
year, though Hero had turned nun, if it had not been
for a hot midsummer night; for, good youth, he went
but forth to wash him in the Hellespont and being
taken with the cramp was drowned and the foolish
coroners of that age found it was 'Hero of Sestos.'
But these are all lies: men have died from time to
time and worms have eaten them, but not for love.
No, die through something else. The poor world is
almost six thousand years old, and in all of this time
no man died on behalf of himself,
that is, from love. Troilus had his brains
beaten out by a Greek club, yet he tried
to die from love, and he is considered a classic hero
of love. Leander, he would have lived many good
years, though he would have become a nun, if not
for that hot midsummer night when he went
to wash himself in the Hellespont and,
finding himself cramped, drowned. The foolish
coroners then said he was a Hero who died for love,
but these are lies: men have died from time to
time, and worms ate their bodies, and none of it came from love.
ORLANDO
I would not have my right Rosalind of this mind,
for, I protest, her frown might kill me.
I hope Rosalind does not think like this,
because I think her frowns might truly kill me.
ROSALIND
By this hand, it will not kill a fly. But come, now
I will be your Rosalind in a more coming-on
disposition, and ask me what you will. I will grant
it.
I swear by my hand, they would not kill a fly. But come on, now
I will be your Rosalind in a more agreeable
state of mind. Ask me what you want, and I will grant
it.
ORLANDO
Then love me, Rosalind.
Love me, Rosalind.
ROSALIND
Yes, faith, will I, Fridays and Saturdays and all.
Yes, I will: on Fridays and Saturdays and the rest of them.
ORLANDO
And wilt thou have me?
And will you have me?
ROSALIND
Ay, and twenty such.
Yes, and twenty like you.
ORLANDO
What sayest thou?
What do you mean?
ROSALIND
Are you not good?
Are you good?
ORLANDO
I hope so.
I hope so.
ROSALIND
Why then, can one desire too much of a good thing?
Come, sister, you shall be the priest and marry us.
Give me your hand, Orlando. What do you say, sister?
Then can one desire too much of a good thing?
Come sister, you will be the priest and marry us.
Give me your hand, Orlando. What do you say, sister?
ORLANDO
Pray thee, marry us.
I beg you, marry us.
CELIA
I cannot say the words.
I can’t say the words, since I’m not a priest.
ROSALIND
You must begin, 'Will you, Orlando--'
You start with, “Will you, Orlando-”
CELIA
Go to. Will you, Orlando, have to wife this Rosalind?
Stop it. Will you, Orlando, have to wife this Rosalind?
ORLANDO
I will.
I will.
ROSALIND
Ay, but when?
Yes, but when?
ORLANDO
Why now; as fast as she can marry us.
Now, of course, as fast as she can marry us.
ROSALIND
Then you must say 'I take thee, Rosalind, for wife.'
Then you must say, “I take you, Rosalind, as my wife.”
ORLANDO
I take thee, Rosalind, for wife.
I take you, Rosalind, as my wife.
ROSALIND
I might ask you for your commission; but I do take
thee, Orlando, for my husband: there's a girl goes
before the priest; and certainly a woman's thought
runs before her actions.
I might ask why you should be allowed to take me, but I do take
you, Orlando, as my husband. There, I went ahead
of the priest – and certainly a woman’s thoughts
run ahead of her actions.
ORLANDO
So do all thoughts; they are winged.
So do all thoughts, they act like they have wings.
ROSALIND
Now tell me how long you would have her after you
have possessed her.
Now tell me how long you would stay with her after you
possessed her.
ORLANDO
For ever and a day.
Forever and a day.
ROSALIND
Say 'a day,' without the 'ever.' No, no, Orlando;
men are April when they woo, December when they wed:
maids are May when they are maids, but the sky
changes when they are wives. I will be more jealous
of thee than a Barbary cock-pigeon over his hen,
more clamorous than a parrot against rain, more
new-fangled than an ape, more giddy in my desires
than a monkey: I will weep for nothing, like Diana
in the fountain, and I will do that when you are
disposed to be merry; I will laugh like a hyen,
and
that when thou art inclined to sleep.
You should say “a day” and not the “ever.” No, Orlando,
men are like April when they woo, but their passions cool like December when they marry.
Women are May when they are not married, but the sky
changes above them when they become wives. I will be more jealous
of your than a wild rooster is over his hen,
more talkative than a parrot talking at the rain, more
fond of new things than an ape, and more desirous
than a monkey. I will weep at the slightest things, like Diana
crying at the fountain, and I will do it whenever you
feel particularly happy. I will laugh like a hyena
when you are trying to sleep.
ORLANDO
But will my Rosalind do so?
Will my Rosalind do this too?
ROSALIND
By my life, she will do as I do.
I swear by my life, she will do whatever I do.
ORLANDO
O, but she is wise.
But she is also wise.
ROSALIND
Or else she could not have the wit to do this: the
wiser, the waywarder: make the doors upon a woman's
wit and it will out at the casement; shut that and
'twill out at the key-hole; stop that, 'twill fly
with the smoke out at the chimney.
If she wasn’t, then she wouldn’t be smart enough to do these things. The
wiser a woman is, the wilder. Close doors on a woman’s
wit and it will fly out the windows. Shut the windows and
it will leave through the keyhole. Stop that up and it will fly
with the smoke out of the chimney.
ORLANDO
A man that had a wife with such a wit, he might say
'Wit, whither wilt?'
A man with a wife like that might wonder,
“Wit, where are you going?”
ROSALIND
Nay, you might keep that cheque for it till you met
your wife's wit going to your neighbour's bed.
You should keep those questions to yourself until you find out
that your wife’s wit is going to your neighbor’s bed.
ORLANDO
And what wit could wit have to excuse that?
What wit could excuse that?
ROSALIND
Marry, to say she came to seek you there. You shall
never take her without her answer, unless you take
her without her tongue. O, that woman that cannot
make her fault her husband's occasion, let her
never nurse her child herself, for she will breed
it like a fool!
She could say she came to look for you there. You will
never see her without an answer ready, unless you take
her without a tongue. O, any woman who cannot
make her sins her husband’s faults should
never nurse her child herself, or else she will bring
up foolish children!
ORLANDO
For these two hours, Rosalind, I will leave thee.
Rosalind, I must leave you for two hours.
ROSALIND
Alas! dear love, I cannot lack thee two hours.
Oh no! Dear love, I cannot wait for you for two hours.
ORLANDO
I must attend the duke at dinner: by two o'clock I
will be with thee again.
I must eat dinner with the duke. At two o’clock I
will be back.
ROSALIND
Ay, go your ways, go your ways; I knew what you
would prove: my friends told me as much, and I
thought no less: that flattering tongue of yours
won me: 'tis but one cast away, and so, come,
death! Two o'clock is your hour?
Fine, go ahead, go on. I knew that you
would leave me. My friends told me that, and I
didn’t think about it. Your flattering tongue
won me over, but now I am cast away! Come to me,
death! You will be back at two?
ORLANDO
Ay, sweet Rosalind.
Yes, sweet Rosalind.
ROSALIND
By my troth, and in good earnest, and so God mend
me, and by all pretty oaths that are not dangerous,
if you break one jot of your promise or come one
minute behind your hour, I will think you the most
pathetical break-promise and the most hollow lover
and the most unworthy of her you call Rosalind that
may be chosen out of the gross band of the
unfaithful: therefore beware my censure and keep
your promise.
Honestly, so God help me,
and by all pretty promises that are not dangerous to make,
if you break one little piece of this promise, or come one minute
after two, I will think that you are the most
unfaithful man and hollow lover
and that you are unworthy of the woman you call Rosalind that
can be found anywhere among the bands
of unfaithful men. Therefore, beware my scorn and keep
your promise.
ORLANDO
With no less religion than if thou wert indeed my
Rosalind: so adieu.
I will keep it as strongly as if you were truly my
Rosalind. Goodbye.
ROSALIND
Well, Time is the old justice that examines all such
offenders, and let Time try: adieu.
Time is the judge who examines all
criminals like you, so we will let Time decide. Goodbye.
Exit ORLANDO
CELIA
You have simply misused our sex in your love-prate:
we must have your doublet and hose plucked over your
head, and show the world what the bird hath done to
her own nest.
You have abused our sex in this talk of love:
we should rip off your men’s clothing
and show the world how you have destroyed
your own kind.
ROSALIND
O coz, coz, coz, my pretty little coz, that thou
didst know how many fathom deep I am in love! But
it cannot be sounded: my affection hath an unknown
bottom, like the bay of Portugal.
O cousin, cousin, cousin, my pretty cousin, if only
you knew how deeply I am in love! But
I cannot put words to it: my feelings have an unknown
depth, like the bay of Portugal.
CELIA
Or rather, bottomless, that as fast as you pour
affection in, it runs out.
It might rather be bottomless, since as fast as your pour
your affection in, it runs out the bottom.
ROSALIND
No, that same wicked bastard of Venus that was begot
of thought, conceived of spleen and born of madness,
that blind rascally boy that abuses every one's eyes
because his own are out, let him be judge how deep I
am in love. I'll tell thee, Aliena, I cannot be out
of the sight of Orlando: I'll go find a shadow and
sigh till he come.
No, that wicked bastard child of Venus who was born
from thought and anger and madness, Cupid himself,
that blind rascal who plays with everyone else’s eyes
since his own are blind, let him judge how deeply I
am in love. I will tell you, Aliena, I can’t stand
not seeing Orlando. I will find some shade
and sigh until he returns.
CELIA
And I'll sleep.
And I will sleep.
Exeunt
Enter JAQUES, Lords, and Foresters
JAQUES
Which is he that killed the deer?
Who killed the deer?
A Lord
Sir, it was I.
It was me, sir.
JAQUES
Let's present him to the duke, like a Roman
conqueror; and it would do well to set the deer's
horns upon his head, for a branch of victory. Have
you no song, forester, for this purpose?
Let’s show him off to the duke like a Roman
conqueror. And we can put the deer’s
horns on his head, like a branch of victory. Don’t
you have a song to sing for this, forester?
Forester
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir.
JAQUES
Sing it: 'tis no matter how it be in tune, so it
make noise enough.
Then sing it, no matter what the tune is as long
as it is loud enough.
Forester
singing
What shall he have that kill'd the deer?
His leather skin and horns to wear.
Then sing him home;