The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  Too fastidious, too neat, too artificial, too odd, as itwere, too peregrinate, as I may call it.

  Were, too foreign, as I will call it.SIR NATHANIEL A most singular and choice epithet.

  A most remarkable and exquisite description.Draws out his table-book

  Takes out his notebookHOLOFERNES He draweth out the thread of his verbosity finer

  He draws out the thread of his verbose words finer than the staple of his argument. I abhor such

  Than the staple of his argument. I hate suchfanatical phantasimes, such insociable and

  Fanatical people who enterain fantastic notions, such unsociable andpoint-devise companions; such rackers of

  Extremely precise fellows; such ruiners oforthography, as to speak dout, fine, when he should

  Language, he says ‘dout,’ shortly, when he shouldsay doubt; det, when he should pronounce debt,--d,

  Say ‘doubt’; ‘det,’ when he should pronounce ‘debt,” --d,e, b, t, not d, e, t: he clepeth a calf, cauf;

  E, b, t, not d, e, t: he calls a calf, ‘cauf’:half, hauf; neighbour vocatur nebor; neigh

  Half, ‘hauf’; neighbor is called ‘nebor’: neighabbreviated ne. This is abhominable,--which he

  Is abbreviated to ‘ne.’ This is abhominable, --which hewould call abbominable: it insinuateth me of

  Would call abominable: To me is sounds likeinsanie: anne intelligis, domine? to make frantic, lunatic.

  Insanity. Do you understand me master? To make frantic, lunatic.SIR NATHANIEL Laus Deo, bene intelligo.

  Praise be to God, I understand you well.

  HOLOFERNES Bon, bon, fort bon, Priscian! a little scratch'd,

  Bon, bon, it should be ‘bon’. Your latin is a little faulty'twill serve.

  But it will serve.SIR NATHANIEL Videsne quis venit?

  Do you see who is coming?HOLOFERNES Video, et gaudeo.

  I see, and I rejoice.Enter DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO, MOTH, and COSTARDDON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Chirrah!

  Chirrah!To MOTHHOLOFERNES Quare chirrah, not sirrah?

  Why chirrah, and not sirrah?

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Men of peace, well encountered.

  Men of peace, good to see you.HOLOFERNES Most military sir, salutation.

  Most military, sir, greetings.MOTH [Aside to COSTARD] They have been at a great feast

  [Aside to COSTARD] They just got back from a huge feastof languages, and stolen the scraps.

  Of languages and have brought back the stolen scraps.COSTARD O, they have lived long on the alms-basket of words.

  O they have lives for a long time on the alms-basket of words.I marvel thy master hath not eaten thee for a word;

  It’s a wonder that your master has not eaten you as a word:for thou art not so long by the head as

  Since you’re not nearly as long as the wordhonorificabilitudinitatibus: thou art easier

  honorificabilitudinitatibus: and you’re easierswallowed than a flap-dragon.To swallow than a raisin.

  MOTH Peace! the peal begins.

  Quiet! The clatter of tongues begins.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO [To HOLOFERNES] Monsieur, are you not lettered?

  [To HOLOFERNES] Sir, are you not educated?MOTH Yes, yes; he teaches boys the hornbook. What is a,

  Yes, yes, he teaches boys the alphabet with the book that’s wrapped in a layer of horn.b, spelt backward, with the horn on his head?

  What is a, b, spelled backward, with a horn on its head?HOLOFERNES Ba, pueritia, with a horn added.

  Ba, childish one, with a horn added.MOTH Ba, most silly sheep with a horn. You hear his learning.

  Ba what a silly sheep with a horn. You hear his education.

  HOLOFERNES Quis, quis, thou consonant?

  What, what, you consonant?MOTH The third of the five vowels, if you repeat them; or

  The third of the five vowels, if you repeat them; orthe fifth, if I.

  The fifth, if I do.HOLOFERNES I will repeat them,--a, e, i,--

  I will repeat them, --a, e, i,--MOTH The sheep: the other two concludes it,--o, u.

  You’re the sheep: the other two concludes it, o, u.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Now, by the salt wave of the Mediterraneum, a sweet

  Now, by the salty waves of the Mediterranean sea, what a sweettouch, a quick venue of wit! snip, snap, quick and

  Touch, a quick show of wit! Snip, snap, quick andhome! it rejoiceth my intellect: true wit!

  Then home! It is a joy to my intellect: true wit!MOTH Offered by a child to an old man; which is wit-old.

  And it’s told by a child to an old man; which is mentally feeble.HOLOFERNES What is the figure? what is the figure?

  What’s the figure of speech there?MOTH Horns.

  Horns.HOLOFERNES Thou disputest like an infant: go, whip thy gig.

  You reason like an infant: go, spin your top.MOTH Lend me your horn to make one, and I will whip about

  Lend me your horn to make one, and I will spin aroundyour infamy circum circa,--a gig of a cuckold's horn.

  Your infamy with a ready hand, -- the top of a cuckold’s horn.COSTARD An I had but one penny in the world, thou shouldst

  And if I had only one penny in the world, you shouldhave it to buy gingerbread: hold, there is the very

  Take it to buy gingerbread: wait, there is the veryremuneration I had of thy master, thou halfpenny

  Remuneration I had of your master, your tinypurse of wit, thou pigeon-egg of discretion. O, an

  Purse of wit, you pigeon-egg of discretion. O, andthe heavens were so pleased that thou wert but my

  The heavens were so pleased that you were only mybastard, what a joyful father wouldst thou make me!

  Bastard, what a joyful father you would make me!Go to; thou hast it ad dunghill, at the fingers'

  Go to it; you have it ad dunghill, at the fingers’ends, as they say.

  Ends, as they say.HOLOFERNES O, I smell false Latin; dunghill for unguem.

  O, I smell false Latin; he said dunghill instead of unguem.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Arts-man, preambulate, we will be singled from the

  Scholar, walk with me, so we can be away from thesebarbarous. Do you not educate youth at the

  Barbarians. Don’t you educate the youth at the charge-house on the top of the mountain?

  School on the top of the mountain?HOLOFERNES Or mons, the hill.

  It’s more a hill.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO At your sweet pleasure, for the mountain.

  If you prefer that over mountain.HOLOFERNES I do, sans question.

  I do, without question.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADO Sir, it is the king's most sweet pleasure and

  Sir, it is the king’s great pleasure andaffection to congratulate the princess at her

  And affection to do the princess the honor of paying her a visitpavilion in the posteriors of this day, which the

  At her pavilion in the rear end of this day, which therude multitude call the afternoon.

  Rude masses call the afternoon.HOLOFERNES The posterior of the day, most generous sir, is

  The rear end of the day, most generous sir, is liable, congruent and measurable for the afternoon:

  Apt, congruent, and fitted for the afternoon:the word is well culled, chose, sweet and apt, I do

  That word is well culled, well chosen, sweet and apt, I doassure you, sir, I do assure.

  Assure you, sir, I do assure.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADOSir, the king is a noble gentleman, and my familiar,

  Sir, the king is a noble gentleman, and we are very close,I do assure ye, very good friend: for what is

  I do assure you, a very good friend: for what isinward between us, let it pass. I do beseech thee,

  Private between us, let it pass. I do ask you,remember thy courtesy; I beseech thee, apparel thy

  Remember that you have removed your hat; I ask you, be sure to apparelhead: and among other important and most serious

  Your head: and among other important and very seriousdesigns, and of
great import indeed, too, but let

  Clothes, and of great cost indeed, too, but letthat pass: for I must tell thee, it will please his

  That pass: for I must tell you, it will please hisgrace, by the world, sometime to lean upon my poor

  Grace, sometimes to lean upon my poor shoulder, and with his royal finger, thus, dally

  Shoulder, and with his royal finger, fix upwith my excrement, with my mustachio; but, sweet

  The outgrowth of my mustache; but sweet heart,heart, let that pass. By the world, I recount no

  Let that pass. I promise, nothing I have saidfable: some certain special honours it pleaseth his

  Is untrue: some certain special honors it pleases himgreatness to impart to Armado, a soldier, a man of

  To bestow upon Armado, a soldier, a man oftravel, that hath seen the world; but let that pass.

  Travel, that has seen the world; but let that pass.The very all of all is,--but, sweet heart, I do

  The very most of all of this, --but, sweet heart, I doimplore secrecy,--that the king would have me

  Ask you for your secrecy, --that the king would have mepresent the princess, sweet chuck, with some

  Present the princess, sweet girl, with somedelightful ostentation, or show, or pageant, or

  Delightful ostentation, or show, or pageant, orantique, or firework. Now, understanding that the

  Antique, or firework. Now, understanding that the curate and your sweet self are good at such

  Clergyman and your sweet self are good at sucheruptions and sudden breaking out of mirth, as it

  Eruptions and sudden breaking out of laughter, as itwere, I have acquainted you withal, to the end to

  Were, I have been getting acquainted with you

  crave your assistance.

  Because I crave your assistance.HOLOFERNES Sir, you shall present before her the Nine Worthies.

  Sir, you should present the Nine Worthies to her.Sir, as concerning some entertainment of time, some

  Sir, when it comes to some entertainment of time, someshow in the posterior of this day, to be rendered by

  Show in the rear end of this day, to be rendered byour assistants, at the king's command, and this most

  Our assistants, at the king’s command, and this verygallant, illustrate, and learned gentleman, before

  Gallant, good examples and educated gentleman, for the princess; I say none so fit as to present the

  The princess; I say that the best thing you could present Nine Worthies.

  Is the Nine Worthies.SIR NATHANIEL Where will you find men worthy enough to present them?

  Where will you find men worthy enough to represent them?HOLOFERNES Joshua, yourself; myself and this gallant gentleman,

  You will be Joshua, my and this gallant gentleman will beJudas Maccabaeus; this swain, because of his great

  Judas Maccabaeus; ths country boy, because of his greatlimb or joint, shall pass Pompey the Great; the

  Limb or joint will be Pompey the Great; thepage, Hercules,--

  Page, moth, will be Hercules,--

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADOPardon, sir; error: he is not quantity enough for

  Pardon, sir, there’s a mistake, he is not big enough to bethat Worthy's thumb: he is not so big as the end of his club.

  That Worthy’s thumb: he is not even as big as the end of his club.HOLOFERNES Shall I have audience? he shall present Hercules in

  Will you hear me? He shall represent Hercules as aminority: his enter and exit shall be strangling a

  Baby: his entrance and exit shall be while he’s strangling a

  snake; and I will have an apology for that purpose.

  Snake; and I will have an explanatory prologue for that purpose.MOTH An excellent device! so, if any of the audiencehiss, you may cry 'Well done, Hercules! now thoucrushest the snake!' that is the way to make anoffence gracious, though few have the grace to do it.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADOFor the rest of the Worthies?—

  What about the rest of the Worthies?HOLOFERNES I will play three myself.

  I will play three of them myself.MOTH Thrice-worthy gentleman!

  A three times as worthy gentleman!

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADOShall I tell you a thing?

  Can I tell you something?HOLOFERNES We attend.

  We’re listening.

  DON ADRIANO DE ARMADOWe will have, if this fadge not, an antique. I

  We will have, if this doesn’t work, an antique. Ibeseech you, follow.

  Ask you, follow me.HOLOFERNES Via, goodman Dull! thou hast spoken no word all this while.

  Hey, good man Dull! You haven’t spoken a word this whole time.DULL Nor understood none neither, sir.

  Nor did I understand one, sir.

  HOLOFERNES Allons! we will employ thee.

  Come on! We will give you work to do!DULL I'll make one in a dance, or so; or I will play

  I’ll be in a dance or something; or I will playOn the tabour to the Worthies, and let them dance the hay.

  The drum to the Worthies and they can dance in the hay.

  HOLOFERNES Most dull, honest Dull! To our sport, away!

  How boring, honest Dull! To our task, let’s go!ExeuntLOVE'S LABOURS LOST

  Enter the PRINCESS, KATHARINE, ROSALINE, and MARIA

  PRINCESS Sweet hearts, we shall be rich ere we depart,

  My sweet hearts, we will be rich before we leave,If fairings come thus plentifully in:

  If more of these complimentary gifts keep coming in:A lady wall'd about with diamonds!

  A lady surrounded by diamonds!Look you what I have from the loving king.

  Look at what I’ve gotten from the loving king.ROSALINE Madame, came nothing else along with that?

  Madame, did nothing else come along with that?PRINCESS Nothing but this! yes, as much love in rhyme

  Nothing but this! yes, as much love written in rhymeAs would be cramm'd up in a sheet of paper,

  As could possible be crammed onto a sheet of paper,Writ o' both sides the leaf, margent and all,

  Written on both sides, in the margins and everything,That he was fain to seal on Cupid's name.

  That he had to place the seal on top of Cupid’s name.ROSALINE That was the way to make his godhead wax,

  That was the way to make his deity increase,For he hath been five thousand years a boy.

  For he has been a boy for five thousand years.KATHARINE Ay, and a shrewd unhappy gallows too.

  Yes, and a wicked mischievous scoundrel who deserves to be hanged, too.ROSALINE You'll ne'er be friends with him; a' kill'd your sister.

  You’ll never be friends with him; he killed your sister.KATHARINE He made her melancholy, sad, and heavy;

  He made her melancholy, sad, and heavy;And so she died: had she been light, like you,

  And so she died: if she was light, like you,Of such a merry, nimble, stirring spirit,

  With a cheerful, nimble, and energetic spirit,She might ha' been a grandam ere she died:

  She might have been a grandmother before she died:And so may you; for a light heart lives long.

  And so might you; since a light heart lives long.

  ROSALINE What's your dark meaning, mouse, of this light word?

  What’s the dark meaning, little mouse, behind the word ‘light’?KATHARINE A light condition in a beauty dark.

  A lustful temperament and a dark beauty.ROSALINE We need more light to find your meaning out.

  You need to enlighten us to your meaning.KATHARINE You'll mar the light by taking it in snuff;

  You’ll ruin the light by taking offence;Therefore I'll darkly end the argument.

  And so I will darkly end the argument.

  ROSALINE Look what you do, you do it still i' the dark.

  Whatever you do, you do it still in the dark.KATHARINE So do not you, for you are a light wench.

  And you don’t, since you’re an easy wench.ROSALINE Indeed I weigh not you, and therefore light.

  I don’t weigh as much as you do, so yes, I’m light.KATHA
RINE You weigh me not? O, that's you care not for me.

  You don’t take me seriously? You don’t care about me.ROSALINE Great reason; for 'past cure is still past care.'

  Well since you are past curing, you are past caring for.PRINCESS Well bandied both; a set of wit well play'd.

  Well said, both of you; a set of wit well played.But Rosaline, you have a favour too:

  But Rosaline, you have a love token as well:Who sent it? and what is it?

  Who sent it? And what is it?ROSALINE I would you knew:

  I wish you knew:An if my face were but as fair as yours,

  And if only my face was as fair as yours,My favour were as great; be witness this.

  My gift would be as great; be witness to this.Nay, I have verses too, I thank Biron:

  And, I have verses too, I thank Biron:The numbers true; and, were the numbering too,

  The meter is true; and, if the reckoning were too,I were the fairest goddess on the ground:

  I would be the fairest goddess on the ground:I am compared to twenty thousand fairs.

  I am compared to twenty thousand beautiful women.O, he hath drawn my picture in his letter!

  With this letter he has drawn an image of me!PRINCESS Any thing like?

  Is it any likeness?ROSALINE Much in the letters; nothing in the praise.

  Much in the actual lettering; nothing alike in the praise.PRINCESS Beauteous as ink; a good conclusion.

  As beautiful as black ink; a good conclusion.KATHARINE Fair as a text B in a copy-book.

  Beautiful like a black printed letter B in a book.ROSALINE 'Ware pencils, ho! let me not die your debtor,

  Have at you in this skirmish of satirical portraits, don’t let me die in your debt,My red dominical, my golden letter:

  My red-faced and golden lettered one:O, that your face were not so full of O's!

  O, if only your face were not so full of O’s!KATHARINE A pox of that jest! and I beshrew all shrows.

  That’s from smallpox! And I curse all shrews.PRINCESS But, Katharine, what was sent to you from fair Dumain?

  But, Katharine, what was sent to you from good Dumain?KATHARINE Madam, this glove.

  Madam, this glove.PRINCESS Did he not send you twain?

  Didn’t he send over its twin?KATHARINE Yes, madam, and moreover