The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  And hang it round with all my wanton pictures;

  And decorate it with all my nudes;

  Balm his foul head in warm distilled waters,

  Wash his disgusting head in warm, clean waters

  And burn sweet wood to make the lodging sweet.

  And burn cedar to make the room smell good.

  Procure me music ready when he wakes,

  Get me music ready when he wakes,

  To make a dulcet and a heavenly sound;

  To make a melodious and a heavenly sound;

  And if he chance to speak, be ready straight,

  And if he happens to speak, be ready straight away,

  And with a low submissive reverence

  And with low, submissive respect

  Say 'What is it your honour will command?'

  Ask, 'What is it your honor will command?'

  Let one attend him with a silver basin

  Let one man serve him with a silver bowl

  Full of rose-water and bestrew'd with flowers;

  Full of rose-water and decorated with flowers;

  Another bear the ewer, the third a diaper,

  Another carry the jug, the third a towel,

  And say 'Will't please your lordship cool your hands?'

  And ask, 'Will it please your lordship to cool your hands?'

  Some one be ready with a costly suit,

  Someone should be ready with expensive clothes,

  And ask him what apparel he will wear;

  Another tell him of his hounds and horse,

  And that his lady mourns at his disease.

  And that his wife is sad about his disease.

  Persuade him that he hath been lunatic;

  Persuade him that he has been a lunatic;

  And, when he says he is--say that he dreams,

  For he is nothing but a mighty lord.

  This do, and do it kindly, gentle sirs;

  It will be pastime passing excellent,

  It will be an excellent pastime,

  If it be husbanded with modesty.

  If it is done carefully.

  FIRST HUNTSMAN. My lord, I warrant you we will play our part,

  My lord, I promise you that we will play our part,

  As he shall think by our true diligence,

  As he shall think by our true hard work,

  He is no less than what we say he is.

  That he is nothing other than what we say he says.

  LORD. Take him up gently, and to bed with him,

  Pick him up gently, and take him to bed,

  And each one to his office when he wakes.

  And each one do his job when he wakes.

  [SLY is bourne out. A trumpet sounds.]

  [Sly is carried out. A trumpet blows.]

  Sirrah, go see what trumpet 'tis that sounds:

  Sir, go see what trumpet it is that blows:

  [Exit SERVANT.]

  Belike some noble gentleman that means,

  It is probably some noble gentleman that intends,

  Travelling some journey, to repose him here.

  Traveling some journey, to rest here.

  [Re-enter SERVANT.]

  How now! who is it?

  What's going on? Who is it?

  SERVANT. An it please your honour, players

  If it pleases your honor, actors

  That offer service to your lordship.

  LORD. Bid them come near.

  Tell them to come near.

  [Enter PLAYERS.]

  Now, fellows, you are welcome.

  PLAYERS. We thank your honour.

  LORD. Do you intend to stay with me to-night?

  PLAYER. So please your lordship to accept our duty.

  If it pleases your lordship to welcome us.

  LORD. With all my heart. This fellow I remember

  Since once he play'd a farmer's eldest son;

  Since he once played a farmer's eldest son;

  'Twas where you woo'd the gentlewoman so well.

  It was where you wooed a noblewoman so well.

  I have forgot your name; but, sure, that part

  I have forgotten your name; but, surely, that part

  Was aptly fitted and naturally perform'd.

  Was suitably cast and naturally performed.

  PLAYER. I think 'twas Soto that your honour means.

  I think it was Soto that your honor means.

  LORD. 'Tis very true; thou didst it excellent.

  It is very true; you did an excellent job.

  Well, you are come to me in happy time,

  Well, you have come to me at a fortunate time,

  The rather for I have some sport in hand

  For I would rather have some fun

  Wherein your cunning can assist me much.

  Where your skills can help me a great deal.

  There is a lord will hear you play to-night;

  There is a nobleman that will hear you act tonight;

  But I am doubtful of your modesties,

  But I am doubtful of your self-restraint,

  Lest, over-eying of his odd behaviour,--

  In case, thinking excessively about his odd behavior -

  For yet his honour never heard a play,--

  For his honor has never heard a play before -

  You break into some merry passion

  That you start laughing

  And so offend him; for I tell you, sirs,

  And in that way offend him; for I tell you, sirs,

  If you should smile, he grows impatient.

  If you smile, he will be irritated.

  PLAYER. Fear not, my lord; we can contain ourselves,

  Don't worry, my lord; we can keep ourselves contained,

  Were he the veriest antick in the world.

  Even if he were the funniest man in the world.

  LORD. Go, sirrah, take them to the buttery,

  Go, sir, take them to the kitchen,

  And give them friendly welcome every one:

  And give each of them a friendly welcome;

  Let them want nothing that my house affords.

  Let them lack nothing that my house can provide.

  [Exit one with the PLAYERS.]

  Sirrah, go you to Barthol'mew my page,

  Sir, you should go to my page Bartholomew,

  And see him dress'd in all suits like a lady;

  And dress him in lady's clothes;

  That done, conduct him to the drunkard's chamber,

  That done, take him to the drunkard's room,

  And call him 'madam,' do him obeisance.

  And call him 'madam,' treat him with respect.

  Tell him from me--as he will win my love,--

  Tell him from me – since this will gain my favor -

  He bear himself with honourable action,

  He carry himself with an honorable attitude,

  Such as he hath observ'd in noble ladies

  Such has he has observed in noble ladies

  Unto their lords, by them accomplished;

  Towards their husbands, by them accomplished;

  Such duty to the drunkard let him do,

  Let him treat the drunkard in that way,

  With soft low tongue and lowly courtesy,

  With soft, quiet words and humble courtesy,

  And say 'What is't your honour will command,

  And ask, 'What is it your honor will command,

  Wherein your lady and your humble wife

  So that your lady and your humble wife

  May show her duty and make known her love?'

  May show her duty and prove her love?'

  And then with kind embracements, tempting kisses,

  And then with kind hugs, tempting kisses,

  And with declining head into his bosom,

  And with a head resting on his chest,

  Bid him shed tears, as being overjoy'd

  Tell him to shed tears, as if overjoyed

  To see her noble
lord restor'd to health,

  To see her noble husband restored to health,

  Who for this seven years hath esteemed him

  Who for these seven years has thought himself

  No better than a poor and loathsome beggar.

  No better than a poor and lowly beggar.

  And if the boy have not a woman's gift

  And if the boy does not have a woman's talent

  To rain a shower of commanded tears,

  To cry upon command,

  An onion will do well for such a shift,

  An onion can help with that,

  Which, in a napkin being close convey'd,

  Which, hidden in a napkin,

  Shall in despite enforce a watery eye.

  Shall force the eyes to water anyway.

  See this dispatch'd with all the haste thou canst;

  See this done with all the hurry you can;

  Anon I'll give thee more instructions.

  And afterwards I'll give you more instructions.

  [Exit SERVANT.]

  I know the boy will well usurp the grace,

  I know the boy will do a good job faking the grace,

  Voice, gait, and action, of a gentlewoman;

  Voice, walk, and behavior, of a noblewoman;

  I long to hear him call the drunkard husband;

  I long to hear him call the drunkard 'husband';

  And how my men will stay themselves from laughter

  And how my men will keep themselves from laughter

  When they do homage to this simple peasant.

  When they serve this simple peasant.

  I'll in to counsel them; haply my presence

  I'll be there to give them advice; hopefully my presence

  May well abate the over-merry spleen,

  May prevent an overly silly mood,

  Which otherwise would grow into extremes.

  Which otherwise would become extreme.

  [Exeunt.]

  A bedchamber in the LORD'S house

  [SLY is discovered in a rich nightgown, with ATTENDANTS: some with apparel, basin, ewer, and other appurtenances; and LORD, dressed like a servant.]

  SLY. For God's sake! a pot of small ale.

  For God's sake! Give me some cheap beer.

  FIRST SERVANT. Will't please your lordship drink a cup of sack?

  Will it please your lordship to drink a cup of fine wine?

  SECOND SERVANT. Will't please your honour taste of these conserves?

  Will it please your honor to taste these preserves?

  THIRD SERVANT. What raiment will your honour wear to-day?

  What clothes will your honor wear today?

  SLY. I am Christophero Sly; call not me honour nor lordship. I ne'er drank sack in my life; and if you give me any conserves, give me conserves of beef. Ne'er ask me what raiment I'll wear, for I have no more doublets than backs, no more stockings than legs, nor no more shoes than feet: nay, sometime more feet than shoes, or such shoes as my toes look through the over-leather.

  I am Christophero Sly; do not call me either 'honor' or 'lordship'. I never drank fine wine in my life; and if you give me any preserves, give me preserved beef. Never ask me what clothes I'll wear, for I have no more doublets than I have backs, no more stockings than I have legs, and no more shoes than I have feet: actually, sometimes I have more feet than I have shoes, or the kind of shoes that my toes peek out from the leather.

  LORD. Heaven cease this idle humour in your honour!

  May Heaven stop this mood in your honor!

  O, that a mighty man of such descent,

  Oh, that a mighty man of such family,

  Of such possessions, and so high esteem,

  So rich, and so well thought-of,

  Should be infused with so foul a spirit!

  Should be filled with so terrible a spirit!

  SLY. What! would you make me mad? Am not I Christopher Sly, old Sly's son of Burton-heath; by birth a pedlar, by education a card-maker, by transmutation a bear-herd, and now by present profession a tinker? Ask Marian Hacket, the fat ale-wife of Wincot, if she know me not: if she say I am not fourteen pence on the score for sheer ale, score me up for the lyingest knave in Christendom. What! I am not bestraught. Here's--

  What! Would you make me appear insane? Am I not Christopher sly, old Sly's son of Burton-heath; by birth a peddler, by education a card-maker, by fortune a bear-herder, and now by present profession a mechanic? As Marian Hacket, the fat lady barkeeper of Wincot, if she does no know me: if she says I am not fourteen pence in debt for ale, count me as the worst liar in all the Christian lands. What! I am not in trouble. Here's -

  THIRD SERVANT. O! this it is that makes your lady mourn.

  Oh! This is what makes your wife sad.

  SECOND SERVANT. O! this is it that makes your servants droop.

  Oh! This is what makes your servants depressed.

  LORD. Hence comes it that your kindred shuns your house,

  It is because of this that your relatives avoid your house,

  As beaten hence by your strange lunacy.

  As driven away by your strange insanity.

  O noble lord, bethink thee of thy birth,

  Oh noble lord, think of your position,

  Call home thy ancient thoughts from banishment,

  Call home your former thoughts from where they have been sent away,

  And banish hence these abject lowly dreams.

  And send away there these pathetic lowly dreams.

  Look how thy servants do attend on thee,

  Look how your servants serve you,

  Each in his office ready at thy beck:

  Each in his office ready at your beck and call:

  Wilt thou have music? Hark! Apollo plays,

  Will you have music? Listen! [The Greek/Roman god of music] plays,

  [Music]

  And twenty caged nightingales do sing:

  Or wilt thou sleep? We'll have thee to a couch

  Or will you sleep? We'll take you to a couch

  Softer and sweeter than the lustful bed

  Softer and sweeter than the luscious bed

  On purpose trimm'd up for Semiramis.

  Purposefully decked out for Semiramis.

  Say thou wilt walk: we will bestrew the ground:

  Say you will walk: we will lay out a carpet on the ground:

  Or wilt thou ride? Thy horses shall be trapp'd,

  Or will you ride? Your horses shall be decked out,

  Their harness studded all with gold and pearl.

  Their harnesses all studded with gold and pearls.

  Dost thou love hawking? Thou hast hawks will soar

  Do you love hunting with hawks? You have hawks that will soar

  Above the morning lark: or wilt thou hunt?

  Higher than the morning lark: or will you hunt?

  Thy hounds shall make the welkin answer them

  Your dogs shall make the sky answer them

  And fetch shall echoes from the hollow earth.

  And their howls shall echo from the hollow earth.

  FIRST SERVANT. Say thou wilt course; thy greyhounds are as swift