The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)
Page 402
And when you’ve written it, for my sake read over it,And if it please you, so; if not, why, so.
And if you like it, so be it; and if not, well, so be it.
VALENTINE
If it please me, madam, what then?
If I like it, madam, what do you want me to do then?
SILVIA
Why, if it please you, take it for your labour:
Well, if you like it, take it as payment for you work;And so, good morrow, servant.
And with that, good morning, my follower.
Exit
SPEED
O jest unseen, inscrutable, invisible,
Oh, what a joke it is that is unseen, mysterious, and invisibleAs a nose on a man's face, or a weathercock on a steeple!
Just like a nose is on a man’s face, or a weathervane is on a steep roof!My master sues to her, and she hath
My master pursues her, and she hastaught her suitor,
Taught her admirer,He being her pupil, to become her tutor.
Since he is her student, to become her teacher.O excellent device! was there ever heard a better,
Oh what an excellent scheme! Has a better one ever been heard of,That my master, being scribe, to himself should write
That my master, being a writer, should write to himselfthe letter?
The letter?
VALENTINE
How now, sir? what are you reasoning with yourself?
What’s this, sir? What are you talking to yourself about?
SPEED
Nay, I was rhyming: 'tis you that have the reason.
No, I was just muttering; it’s you who has the good sense.
VALENTINE
To do what?
To do what?
SPEED
To be a spokesman for Madam Silvia.
To speak on the behalf of Madam Silvia.
VALENTINE
To whom?
But who am I speaking to?
SPEED
To yourself: why, she wooes you by a figure.
To yourself: why, she courts you with a scheme.
VALENTINE
What figure?
What scheme?
SPEED
By a letter, I should say.
With a letter, I should have said.
VALENTINE
Why, she hath not writ to me?
But she hasn’t written to me?
SPEED
What need she, when she hath made you write to
What should she need to, when she has made you write a letter toyourself? Why, do you not perceive the jest?
Yourself? What, do you not get the joke?
VALENTINE
No, believe me.
No, I don’t, believe me.
SPEED
No believing you, indeed, sir. But did you perceive
There’s no believing you, indeed, sir. But did you notice her earnest?
Her repayment?
VALENTINE
She gave me none, except an angry word.
She gave me nothing but angry words.
SPEED
Why, she hath given you a letter.
Why, she has given you a letter.
VALENTINE
That's the letter I writ to her friend.
That’s the letter that I wrote to her lover.
SPEED
And that letter hath she delivered, and there an end.
And she has delivered that letter to that friend, and that’s the end of it.
VALENTINE
I would it were no worse.
I wish that were so.
SPEED
I'll warrant you, 'tis as well:
I promise you, it’s just that:For often have you writ to her, and she, in modesty,
For you have often written to her, and she, in her modesty,Or else for want of idle time, could not again reply;
Or else not having free time, could not sent a reply;Or fearing else some messenger that might her mind discover,
Or else being afraid that a messenger might find out her feelings,Herself hath taught her love himself to write unto her lover.
She has taught the man she loves to write to on her behalf to her lover, which is he.
All this I speak in print, for in print I found it.
Everything I say is very specific, since I found it specifically.Why muse you, sir? 'tis dinner-time.
What are you wondering about, sir? It’s dinner time.
VALENTINE
I have dined.
I have already eaten.
SPEED
Ay, but hearken, sir; though the chameleon Love can
Yes, but listen, sir; although Love itself is said to change its shapefeed on the air, I am one that am nourished by my
And feed on air, I am a man that is fed by myvictuals, and would fain have meat. O, be not like
Food, and would gladly have some meat. Oh, don’t be like your mistress; be moved, be moved.
Your mistress; be persuaded, sympathize.
Exeunt
JULIA'S house.
Enter PROTEUS and JULIA
PROTEUS
Have patience, gentle Julia.
Be patient, kind Julia.
JULIA
I must, where is no remedy.
I must be, there is nothing else I can do.
PROTEUS
When possibly I can, I will return.
Whenever I can, I will return.
JULIA
If you turn not, you will return the sooner.
If you don’t change your mind about me, you will return all the sooner because of it.Keep this remembrance for thy Julia's sake.
Keep this love-token to remember your Julia.
Giving a ring
“[JULIA give PROTEUS a ring]”
PROTEUS
Why then, we'll make exchange; here, take you this.
Whell then, we’ll exchange love-tokens; here, take this.
“[PROTEUS gives JULIA a ring]”
JULIA
And seal the bargain with a holy kiss.
And we’ll seal the exchange with a holy kiss
PROTEUS
Here is my hand for my true constancy;
Here is my promise for my honest loyalty;And when that hour o'erslips me in the day
And if an hour passes unnoticed in a dayWherein I sigh not, Julia, for thy sake,
Where I don’t sigh, for you Julia,The next ensuing hour some foul mischance
May the hours after that contain some dreadful misfortuneTorment me for my love's forgetfulness!
To punish me for forgetting my love!My father stays my coming; answer not;
My father is waiting for me to arrive; don’t answer;The tide is now: nay, not thy tide of tears;
The time has come: no, not the time of tears;That tide will stay me longer than I should.
For your tears will not keep me longer than I can stay.Julia, farewell!
Julia, goodbye!
Exit JULIA
What, gone without a word?
What, she leaves without a word?Ay, so true love should do: it cannot speak;
Yes, that’s how true love should be: it cannot speak;For truth hath better deeds than words to grace it.
For the truth is shown in actions, not in words.
Enter PANTHINO
PANTHINO
Sir Proteus, you are stay'd for.
Sir Proteus, they are waiting for you.
PROTEUS
Go; I come, I come.
Go on; I’m coming, I’m coming.Alas! this parting strikes poor lovers dumb.
Sadly, this departure makes us unfortunate lovers speechless.
Exeunt
A street.
Enter LAUNCE, leading a dog
LAUNCE
Nay, 'twill be this hour ere I have done weeping;
Now, I will have finished crying before this hour is over:all the kind of the Launces have this very fault. I
My whole family of Launces suffer fr
om this same weakness. Ihave received my proportion, like the prodigious
Have received my payment, like the son who leaves and returns again, son, and am going with Sir Proteus to the Imperial's
And I am going with Sir Protues to the emperor’scourt. I think Crab, my dog, be the sourest-natured
Court. I think my dog, Crab, is the most grumpy-natureddog that lives: my mother weeping, my father
Dog that lives: my mother was weeping, my fatherwailing, my sister crying, our maid howling, our cat
Sobbing, my sister crying, our maid howling, our cat waswringing her hands, and all our house in a great
Holding her paws in grief, and our whole house was in a greatperplexity, yet did not this cruel-hearted cur shed
Confusion, but this cruel-hearted mutt didn’t shed aone tear: he is a stone, a very pebble stone, and
Single tear: he is made of stone, a very worthless stone, andhas no more pity in him than a dog: a Jew would have
Is as pitiless as a dog: even a pitiless Jew would havewept to have seen our parting; why, my grandam,
Wept if he had seen our goodbyes: why, my grandmother,having no eyes, look you, wept herself blind at my
Who has no eyes, you understand, wept until she was blindparting. Nay, I'll show you the manner of it. This
When I left. No, I’ll demonstrate how it happened. Thisshoe is my father: no, this left shoe is my father:
Shoe represents my father: no, this left shoe is I my father:no, no, this left shoe is my mother: nay, that
No, no, this left shoes is my mother instead: no, it cannot be so neither: yes, it is so, it is so, it
Can’t be either of them: yes, it’s like this, it’s like this, ithath the worser sole. This shoe, with the hole in
Has a worse sole than the other. This shoe, with the hole in it, is my mother, and this my father; a vengeance
It, is my mother, and this other one is my father; curseon't! there 'tis: now, sit, this staff is my
It! There it is: now, stay like that, this cane is mysister, for, look you, she is as white as a lily and
Sister, since, look at this, she is as white as a lily andas small as a wand: this hat is Nan, our maid: I
As slender as a pole: this hat is our maid, Nan: Iam the dog: no, the dog is himself, and I am the
Represent the dog: no, the dog represents me, Launce, and I am thedog--Oh! the dog is me, and I am myself; ay, so,
Dog—Oh! The dog represents me, and I am myself; yes, that’s how it is,so. Now come I to my father; Father, your blessing:
That’s how it is. Now I’m getting to talking about my father; First, I asked him for permission:now should not the shoe speak a word for weeping:
Then, the shoe that is my father couldn’t say a word because he was crying:now should I kiss my father; well, he weeps on. Now
Then I kissed my father goodbye; he continued to cry. Thencome I to my mother: O, that she could speak now
I went to my mother: Oh, if only she could speak nowlike a wood woman! Well, I kiss her; why, there
Like a mad woman! Well, I kissed her; well, there'tis; here's my mother's breath up and down. Now
It is; that’s how my mother smells exactly. Then come I to my sister; mark the moan she makes. Now
I went to my sister; notice how she was wailing. Thenthe dog all this while sheds not a tear nor speaks a
That whole time this dog didn’t shed a tear or say aword; but see how I lay the dust with my tears.
Word; but notice how I’m laying in the dirt with my tears.
Enter PANTHINO
PANTHINO
Launce, away, away, aboard! thy master is shipped
Launce, come on, come one, get on board! Your master is on the shipand thou art to post after with oars. What's the
And you are to quickly follow after him. What’s thematter? why weepest thou, man? Away, ass! You'll
Matter? Why are you crying, man? Come on, you ass! You’lllose the tide, if you tarry any longer.
lose the sea current if you wait any more.
LAUNCE
It is no matter if the tied were lost; for it is the
It’s be no big deal if the dog were lost; for he is theunkindest tied that ever any man tied.
Meanest dog that any man ever tied up.
PANTHINO
What's the unkindest tide?
What’s the meanest dog?
LAUNCE
Why, he that's tied here, Crab, my dog.
Well, this one here, Crab, my dog.
PANTHINO
Tut, man, I mean thou'lt lose the flood, and, in
Shame on you, man, I mean you’ll lose the current and bylosing the flood, lose thy voyage, and, in losing
Losing the current, you’ll miss the trip, and by missingthy voyage, lose thy master, and, in losing thy
The trip, you’ll lose your master, and but losing yourmaster, lose thy service, and, in losing thy
Master, lose your job, and by losing yourservice,--Why dost thou stop my mouth?
Job—why are you shushing me?
LAUNCE
For fear thou shouldst lose thy tongue.
Because I’m afraid you’ll lose your tongue.
PANTHINO
Where should I lose my tongue?
Why would I lose my tongue?
LAUNCE
In thy tale.
From telling that story.
PANTHINO
In thy tail!
It’s your ass on the line!
LAUNCE
Lose the tide, and the voyage, and the master, and
Lose the current, and the trip, and the master, andthe service, and the tied! Why, man, if the river
The job, and the dog! Well, man, if the riverwere dry, I am able to fill it with my tears; if the
Were dry, I would be able to fill it with my tears; if thewind were down, I could drive the boat with my sighs.
Winds were gone, I could sail the boat with my sighs.
PANTHINO
Come, come away, man; I was sent to call thee.
Come on, come on, man; I was sent here to bring you.
LAUNCE
Sir, call me what thou darest.
Sir, call me whatever your dare to
PANTHINO
Wilt thou go?
Will you go?
LAUNCE
Well, I will go.
Well, I’ll go.
Exeunt
The DUKE's palace.
Enter SILVIA, VALENTINE, THURIO, and SPEED
SILVIA
Servant!
Followers!
VALENTINE
Mistress?
Mistress?
SPEED
Master, Sir Thurio frowns on you.
Mister, Sir Thurio is not happy with you.
VALENTINE
Ay, boy, it's for love.
Yes, boy, it’s because of my love.
SPEED
Not of you.
Not your love.
VALENTINE
Of my mistress, then.
The love of my mistress, then.
SPEED
'Twere good you knocked him.
It would be good if you beat him.
Exit
SILVIA
Servant, you are sad.
My follower, you are sad.
VALENTINE
Indeed, madam, I seem so.
Yes, madam, I seem to be sad.
THURIO
Seem you that you are not?
Do you think you are not sad?
VALENTINE
Haply I do.
Perhaps I am.
THURIO
So do counterfeits.
So are liars.
VALENTINE
So do you.
So are you.
THURIO
What seem I that I am not?
What did I do to seem that way?
VALENTINE
Wise.
You’re wise
What instance of the contrary?
What proof is there against that?
VALENTINE
Your folly.
Your mistakes.
THURIO
And how quote you my folly?
And what mistake did you notice?
VALENTINE
I quote it in your jerkin.
I notice it in your jacket.
THURIO
My jerkin is a doublet.
My jacket is a coat.
VALENTINE
Well, then, I'll double your folly.
Well, then, that’s twice the mistake.
THURIO
How?
How so?
SILVIA
What, angry, Sir Thurio! do you change colour?
What, are you angry, Sir Thurio! Do you change moods like that?
VALENTINE
Give him leave, madam; he is a kind of chameleon.
Let him go, madam; he changes moods like a chameleon changes color.
THURIO
That hath more mind to feed on your blood than live
You had better make sure that you take care of your body rather than livein your air.
In your head.
VALENTINE
You have said, sir.
You speak the truth, sir.
THURIO
Ay, sir, and done too, for this time.
Yes, sir, and done with that too, for now.
VALENTINE
I know it well, sir; you always end ere you begin.