The Complete Works of William Shakespeare In Plain and Simple English (Translated)

by William Shakespeare

  HAMLET

  I don’t understand why. Here play this.

  I do not well understand that. Will you play uponthis pipe?

  GUILDENSTERN

  My lord, I can’t.

  My lord, I cannot.

  HAMLET

  Come on. I am begging.

  I pray you.

  GUILDENSTERN

  Believe me, I can’t.

  Believe me, I cannot.

  HAMLET

  Please, for me.

  I do beseech you.

  GUILDENSTERN

  I don’t know how.

  I know no touch of it, my lord.

  HAMLET

  It’s as easy as lying. Put your fingers and thumb here and blow. It will make the most beautiful music. Here are the holes.

  'Tis as easy as lying: govern these ventages withyour lingers and thumb, give it breath with yourmouth, and it will discourse most eloquent music.Look you, these are the stops.

  GUILDENSTERN

  I don’t have the skill to make music.

  But these cannot I command to any utterance ofharmony; I have not the skill.

  HAMLET

  Who do you think I am? You try to play me. You seem to know my holes. You wish to know my secrets, and try to search my soul. Yet, you cannot play a single note from this little instrument. How is it you think you can manipulate me, but not this pipe? You will not play me for a fool.

  Why, look you now, how unworthy a thing you make ofme! You would play upon me; you would seem to knowmy stops; you would pluck out the heart of mymystery; you would sound me from my lowest note tothe top of my compass: and there is much music,excellent voice, in this little organ; yet cannotyou make it speak. 'Sblood, do you think I ameasier to be played on than a pipe? Call me whatinstrument you will, though you can fret me, yet youcannot play upon me.

  Enter POLONIUS

  God bless you, sir!

  God bless you, sir!

  LORD POLONIUS

  My lord, the queen wants to speak with you now.

  My lord, the queen would speak with you, andpresently.

  HAMLET

  Do you see the cloud over there, shaped like a camel?

  Do you see yonder cloud that's almost in shape of a camel?

  LORD POLONIUS

  I do and it does look like a camel.

  By the mass, and 'tis like a camel, indeed.

  HAMLET

  I think it looks more like a weasel.

  Methinks it is like a weasel.

  LORD POLONIUS

  Its back is like a weasel.

  It is backed like a weasel.

  HAMLET

  Or like a whale?

  Or like a whale?

  LORD POLONIUS

  It is very much like a whale.

  Very like a whale.

  HAMLET

  Now I will go see my mother, if you will stop messing with me.

  Then I will come to my mother by and by. They foolme to the top of my bent. I will come by and by.

  LORD POLONIUS

  I will tell her.

  I will say so.

  HAMLET

  That is easy to say.

  By and by is easily said.

  Exit POLONIUS

  Please leave me alone.

  Leave me, friends.

  Exeunt all but HAMLET

  Now is the time when witches come out, graves open, and hell releases its demons into the world. The time to seek revenge is here. I must go to my mother, but I mustn’t lose my nerve. I must be cruel but not murderous. I must speak with bitter words, but not poison her. So, I will be in internal conflict.

  Tis now the very witching time of night,When churchyards yawn and hell itself breathes outContagion to this world: now could I drink hot blood,And do such bitter business as the dayWould quake to look on. Soft! now to my mother.O heart, lose not thy nature; let not everThe soul of Nero enter this firm bosom:Let me be cruel, not unnatural:I will speak daggers to her, but use none;My tongue and soul in this be hypocrites;How in my words soever she be shent,To give them seals never, my soul, consent!

  Exit

  A room in the castle

  Enter KING CLAUDIUS, ROSENCRANTZ, and GUILDENSTERN

  KING CLAUDIUS

  I don’t like the way he’s acting and it’s not safe for this madness to go on. Therefore, get ready. I’m sending you and Hamlet to England.

  I like him not, nor stands it safe with usTo let his madness range. Therefore prepare you;I your commission will forthwith dispatch,And he to England shall along with you:The terms of our estate may not endureHazard so dangerous as doth hourly growOut of his lunacies.

  GUILDENSTERN

  We will gladly do our duty to all the people who depend on your majesty.

  We will ourselves provide:Most holy and religious fear it isTo keep those many many bodies safeThat live and feed upon your majesty.

  ROSENCRANTZ

  Everyone’s existence depends on the strength of the mind and thus, requires some protection. But the life of a king, that many lives depend upon, requires far stronger protection. A king is like a wheel on top of a mountain, and when it falls, everything in its path falls, too. When a king feels pain, everyone hurts.

  The single and peculiar life is bound,With all the strength and armour of the mind,To keep itself from noyance; but much moreThat spirit upon whose weal depend and restThe lives of many. The cease of majestyDies not alone; but, like a gulf, doth drawWhat's near it with it: it is a massy wheel,Fix'd on the summit of the highest mount,To whose huge spokes ten thousand lesser thingsAre mortised and adjoin'd; which, when it falls,Each small annexment, petty consequence,Attends the boisterous ruin. Never aloneDid the king sigh, but with a general groan.

  KING CLAUDIUS

  Please get ready quickly for this trip. We must put an end to this craziness.

  Arm you, I pray you, to this speedy voyage;For we will fetters put upon this fear,Which now goes too free-footed.

  ROSENCRANTZ GUILDENSTERN

  We will hurry.

  We will haste us.

  Exeunt ROSENCRANTZ and GUILDENSTERN

  Enter POLONIUS

  LORD POLONIUS

  My lord, he’s going to his mother’s bedroom. I’ll hide behind the curtain and listen. I’ll bet she gives him an earful. And, as you wisely said, ‘It is better to have someone listen to the conversation other than a mother who may be bias.’ I’ll come back before you go to bed to tell you what I heard.

  My lord, he's going to his mother's closet:Behind the arras I'll convey myself,To hear the process; and warrant she'll tax him home:And, as you said, and wisely was it said,'Tis meet that some more audience than a mother,Since nature makes them partial, should o'erhearThe speech, of vantage. Fare you well, my liege:I'll call upon you ere you go to bed,And tell you what I know.

  KING CLAUDIUS

  Thanks, my lord.

  Thanks, dear my lord.

  Exit POLONIUS

  Oh, my crime is so awful, it smells to high heavens. It has the mark of a brother’s murder. I can’t pray, even though I want. I am like a man with so much to do, not knowing where to start, I stand still. If this hand is covered in my brother’s blood, is there not enough rain to rinse it clean? Isn’t this what God’s mercy is for? And, isn’t this what prayer is for, to protect us from sin and forgiveness? So, I’ll pray. I have already sinned. But, what kind of prayer? Forgive me Lord for my horrible crime? That won’t work since I am still reaping the rewards of my sin, the crown and the queen. Can one be forgiven and still keep the rewards of sin. What passes in this world does not in heaven. Nothing goes unseen. So what can I do? Maybe I can offer repentance. It couldn’t hurt, but it won’t help either. My heart is black as death and my soul is full of sin. Help me angels! Come on knees and bend. Heart, be as soft as a newborn, so I can pray.

  O, my offence is rank it smells to heaven;It hath the primal eldest curse upon't,A brother's murder. Pray can I not,Though inclination be as sharp as will:My stron
ger guilt defeats my strong intent;And, like a man to double business bound,I stand in pause where I shall first begin,And both neglect. What if this cursed handWere thicker than itself with brother's blood,Is there not rain enough in the sweet heavensTo wash it white as snow? Whereto serves mercyBut to confront the visage of offence?And what's in prayer but this two-fold force,To be forestalled ere we come to fall,Or pardon'd being down? Then I'll look up;My fault is past. But, O, what form of prayerCan serve my turn? 'Forgive me my foul murder'?That cannot be; since I am still possess'dOf those effects for which I did the murder,My crown, mine own ambition and my queen.May one be pardon'd and retain the offence?In the corrupted currents of this worldOffence's gilded hand may shove by justice,And oft 'tis seen the wicked prize itselfBuys out the law: but 'tis not so above;There is no shuffling, there the action liesIn his true nature; and we ourselves compell'd,Even to the teeth and forehead of our faults,To give in evidence. What then? what rests?Try what repentance can: what can it not?Yet what can it when one can not repent?O wretched state! O bosom black as death!O limed soul, that, struggling to be free,Art more engaged! Help, angels! Make assay!Bow, stubborn knees; and, heart with strings of steel,Be soft as sinews of the newborn babe!All may be well.

  Retires and kneels

  Enter HAMLET

  HAMLET

  I could do it easily now; he is praying. He goes to heaven and I have my revenge. The villain who killed my father, I put to death. But, that is too good for him, to kill him when he is ready. He killed my father in the prime of his life without thought to his afterlife, which doesn’t appear to be so good. Not now, sword. We will wait until he is drunk or in a rage or in his incestuous bed. Perhaps, we will kill while he is gambling, swearing, or some other sinful act for which there is no forgiveness. Then, we will kill him so his soul may be damned to hell where it belongs. My mother waits for me. Death waits for the king.

  Now might I do it pat, now he is praying;And now I'll do't. And so he goes to heaven;And so am I revenged. That would be scann'd:A villain kills my father; and for that,I, his sole son, do this same villain sendTo heaven.O, this is hire and salary, not revenge.He took my father grossly, full of bread;With all his crimes broad blown, as flush as May;And how his audit stands who knows save heaven?But in our circumstance and course of thought,'Tis heavy with him: and am I then revenged,To take him in the purging of his soul,When he is fit and season'd for his passage?No!Up, sword; and know thou a more horrid hent:When he is drunk asleep, or in his rage,Or in the incestuous pleasure of his bed;At gaming, swearing, or about some actThat has no relish of salvation in't;Then trip him, that his heels may kick at heaven,And that his soul may be as damn'd and blackAs hell, whereto it goes. My mother stays:This physic but prolongs thy sickly days.

  Exit

  KING CLAUDIUS

  [Rising]

  My prayers are just words without meaning. They will never be heard.

  My words fly up, my thoughts remain below:Words without thoughts never to heaven go.

  Exit

  The Queen's closet

  Enter QUEEN GERTRUDE and POLONIUS

  LORD POLONIUS

  He is coming soon. Make sure you give him a good talking to about his pranks. Tell him how you have protected him. I’ll be here, but he won’t know it. Be firm with him!

  He will come straight. Look you lay home to him:Tell him his pranks have been too broad to bear with,And that your grace hath screen'd and stood betweenMuch heat and him. I'll sconce me even here.Pray you, be round with him.

  HAMLET

  [Within]

  Mother, mother, mother!

  Mother, mother, mother!

  QUEEN GERTRUDE

  I will, don’t worry. Hide, I hear him coming.

  I'll warrant you,Fear me not: withdraw, I hear him coming.

  POLONIUS hides behind the arras

  Enter HAMLET

  HAMLET

  Now, mother, what’s the matter?

  Now, mother, what's the matter?

  QUEEN GERTRUDE

  Hamlet, you have offended your father.

  Hamlet, thou hast thy father much offended.

  HAMLET

  Mother, you are the one who has offended my father

  Mother, you have my father much offended.

  QUEEN GERTRUDE

  Come now. Talk sensibly.

  Come, come, you answer with an idle tongue.

  HAMLET

  Go on. You are questioning me angrily.

  Go, go, you question with a wicked tongue.

  QUEEN GERTRUDE

  What are you talking about, Hamlet?

  Why, how now, Hamlet!

  HAMLET

  What’s the matter now!

  What's the matter now?

  QUEEN GERTRUDE

  Have you forgotten who I am?

  Have you forgot me?

  HAMLET

  Of course not. You are the queen; your husband’s brother’s wife. And although I wish it were not true, you are my mother.

  No, by the rood, not so:You are the queen, your husband's brother's wife;And--would it were not so!--you are my mother.

  QUEEN GERTRUDE

  Alright then, I’ll bring in someone who can speak some sense into you.

  Nay, then, I'll set those to you that can speak.

  HAMLET

  No. Sit down. You will not leave until I give you a mirror and show you your true self.

  Come, come, and sit you down; you shall not budge;You go not till I set you up a glassWhere you may see the inmost part of you.

  QUEEN GERTRUDE

  What are you going to do? Murder me? Help, help!

  What wilt thou do? thou wilt not murder me?Help, help, ho!

  LORD POLONIUS

  [Behind]

  What is going on? Help! Help!

  What, ho! help, help, help!

  HAMLET

  [Drawing]

  What now? A rat? He’ll be a dead rat, I bet!

  How now! a rat? Dead, for a ducat, dead!

  Makes a pass through the arras

  LORD POLONIUS

  [Behind]

  Oh, I am killed!

  O, I am slain!

  Falls and dies

  QUEEN GERTRUDE

  Oh no! What have you done?

  O me, what hast thou done?

  HAMLET

  I do not know. Is it the king?

  Nay, I know not:Is it the king?

  QUEEN GERTRUDE

  Oh what a horrible, bloody deed this is!

  O, what a rash and bloody deed is this!

  HAMLET

  It is a bloody deed; almost as bad, good mother, as killing a king and marrying his brother.

  A bloody deed! almost as bad, good mother,As kill a king, and marry with his brother.

  QUEEN GERTRUDE

  As killing a king!

  As kill a king!

  HAMLET

  Yes, lady, that’s what I said.

  Ay, lady, 'twas my word.

  Lifts up the array and discovers POLONIUS

  You stupid fool! Goodbye! I thought you were better. Take what you deserve. Now mother. Stop wringing your hands. Be still and sit down. Let me lay something on your heart, if it is not made of brass.

  Thou wretched, rash, intruding fool, farewell!I took thee for thy better: take thy fortune;Thou find'st to be too busy is some danger.Leave wringing of your hands: peace! sit you down,And let me wring your heart; for so I shall,If it be made of penetrable stuff,If damned custom have not brass'd it soThat it is proof and bulwark against sense.

  QUEEN GERTRUDE

  What have I done so terribly that you dare talk to me this way?

  What have I done, that thou darest wag thy tongueIn noise so rude against me?

  HAMLET

  You have done such an awful act that is unforgiveable.

  Such an actThat blurs the grace and blush of modesty,Calls virtue hypocrite, takes off the roseFrom the fair forehead of an innocent loveAnd sets a blister there, makes ma
rriage-vowsAs false as dicers' oaths: O, such a deedAs from the body of contraction plucksThe very soul, and sweet religion makesA rhapsody of words: heaven's face doth glow:Yea, this solidity and compound mass,With tristful visage, as against the doom,Is thought-sick at the act.

  QUEEN GERTRUDE

  What have I done that is so awful?

  Ay me, what act,That roars so loud, and thunders in the index?

  HAMLET

  Imagine this…Two brothers sitting side-by-side where one is blessed by God and in the eyes of man. This man was your husband. Now the other man is horrid and capable of evil. He is your current husband. Don’t you see? Why are with this man? Don’t say it is love, because love fades with age and is replaced with wisdom. What persuaded you to marry this man? Don’t you have any sense? You aren’t even ashamed. Perhaps, I will not be ashamed either.

  Look here, upon this picture, and on this,The counterfeit presentment of two brothers.See, what a grace was seated on this brow;Hyperion's curls; the front of Jove himself;An eye like Mars, to threaten and command;A station like the herald MercuryNew-lighted on a heaven-kissing hill;A combination and a form indeed,Where every god did seem to set his seal,To give the world assurance of a man:This was your husband. Look you now, what follows:Here is your husband; like a mildew'd ear,Blasting his wholesome brother. Have you eyes?Could you on this fair mountain leave to feed,And batten on this moor? Ha! have you eyes?You cannot call it love; for at your ageThe hey-day in the blood is tame, it's humble,And waits upon the judgment: and what judgmentWould step from this to this? Sense, sure, you have,Else could you not have motion; but sure, that senseIs apoplex'd; for madness would not err,Nor sense to ecstasy was ne'er so thrall'dBut it reserved some quantity of choice,To serve in such a difference. What devil was'tThat thus hath cozen'd you at hoodman-blind?Eyes without feeling, feeling without sight,Ears without hands or eyes, smelling sans all,Or but a sickly part of one true senseCould not so mope.O shame! where is thy blush? Rebellious hell,If thou canst mutine in a matron's bones,To flaming youth let virtue be as wax,And melt in her own fire: proclaim no shameWhen the compulsive ardour gives the charge,Since frost itself as actively doth burnAnd reason panders will.