The Winter Sea

by Morrissey, Di

  And he’d been right. They could walk to their office in Phillip Street. But Cassie missed having a garden like the wild sprawling one that her mother tended, as it battled the salt air. Although, as Hal pointed out, she didn’t have far to walk to beautiful Hyde Park to enjoy one of the best green spaces in Sydney, even if she had to share it with hundreds of others.

  ‘If you’re so keen to have a garden why don’t you grow herbs in a pot or something?’ he suggested.

  So Cassie, who loved to cook, made plans to grow herbs and even tomatoes and salad vegetables on their balcony, but she never seemed to find the time. Indeed, both of them were so busy that they usually ate dinner in one of the restaurants they passed on their way home.

  Even on the weekends they didn’t just hang out at home. Most Friday nights they went to a bar after work with colleagues, though occasionally Cassie met up with girlfriends when the macho shop talk and egocentric company of the men at her law firm became too irritating. Hal always worked on Saturdays, and often she would also use the weekend to try and stay on top of her very big workload too. Sunday morning was set aside for breakfast with friends, usually from their law firm, and afterwards Hal routinely popped back into the office to sort out what needed to be done in the coming week.

  ‘Hal, I wish we could socialise with people we don’t work with. Most of the men in the office drive me nuts, they are so aggressive. Can’t we spend time with people who are less ambitious?’

  ‘Cassie, you know that male lawyers are always in fight mode. Other lawyers have wives who aren’t involved in law and they don’t get it, which is why I’m glad you’re part of my world.’

  When Cassie first met Hal, she was convinced they were right for each other, that they shared the same goals and dreams. Cassie was a bright girl at school and, because there was an expectation that clever girls went on to do either law or medicine at university, she chose to study law. She met Hal almost straight away as he was in the same year as she was and their paths crossed in class. He was hard to miss – exceedingly handsome, an athlete, articulate and ambitious. He was from a well-to-do family from the leafy, expensive suburb of St Ives. His father was the CEO of a finance corporation. Initially Hal had assumed that Cassie’s family business was little more than a fish and chip shop, but when he learned from other students that it was, in fact, the well-known Seven Seas restaurant in Manly, he dropped in with some of his friends and surprised her when she was working there one Sunday. He soon became a regular and he also sought out her company at the university and then they began going out together. A year later they moved in together.

  Cassie was impressed by Hal’s plans. He told her that the law was the bedrock of a civil society and that although he would initially work his way into a top-level position in an important legal firm, what he really wanted to do was to become a judge. As a judge, he told her, he could make justice really effective.

  After university they had both got jobs at the same law firm. Cassie remembered how excited she was when she thought that they would be working together, but it didn’t turn out that way. Hal was successful as a criminal defence lawyer and had become more senior while Cassie continued to work in the litigation department. He put in longer and longer hours at work, spending a lot of time with his team. Sometimes, if he was involved with a particularly stressful and tiring case, he’d come home slightly drunk after unwinding with his work mates. At first Cassie commented on his behaviour, but after he snapped and told her that she should know what tremendous pressure he was under, she began to sense that they were moving in different directions.

  When Cassie reminded him about his ambition to become a judge, Hal dismissed the idea.

  ‘Don’t be silly, Cassie,’ he told her. ‘Being a judge is too isolating, and it doesn’t pay well enough. I can make much more as a partner in a top law firm.’

  Now when Cassie spoke of truth and justice, human rights, legal aid, minorities or social issues, subjects about which they had once both been passionate, he became scathing.

  ‘That stuff won’t pay the bills or maintain our lifestyle,’ Hal sneered.

  Then Cassie began to have her own issues to deal with at the firm.

  She was shocked when Bronwyn, one of the few senior female lawyers and her supervisor, called her into her office and told her that before she’d hand back Cassie’s most recent report, Cassie would have to give her a neck massage. At first Cassie thought Bronwyn was joking, but then she realised the woman was serious. She was actually going to withhold Cassie’s work until her neck had been massaged. Cassie started to comply but realised that massaging her supervisor’s neck was not right so she stopped and excused herself. Ever since, relations between Cassie and Bronwyn had been very strained. When Cassie asked Hal whether she should say anything to the HR officer, he’d scoffed at her.

  ‘And who are they going to back? A senior lawyer or junior you? Get real, Cassie.’

  Other instances that occurred in the office really annoyed Cassie because they smacked of double standards. It seemed that whenever a female lawyer wanted to sit down and discuss something with her boss, she was seen as flirtatious or sycophantic, whereas when one of the men in the office did the same thing, he was admired for being ambitious.

  Hal laughed at her observations and told her she was being oversensitive. It was the way it was in all big law firms. Women needed to either go along with it or opt out.

  ‘That’s ridiculous,’ argued Cassie. ‘Why should women go along with it? Why do big law firms maintain an outdated and, frankly, outrageous system that only functions at the behest of male participation? If a woman can see a different and better way of doing things, it’s not even considered. Why should we be expected to operate within the parameters of the established ways of doing things if those ways are inefficient and sexist?’

  ‘If you can’t stand the heat . . .’ Hal shrugged.

  ‘Hal, women do get out of the kitchen,’ said Cassie. ‘They start their own firms, or work in smaller firms where they’re really valued and are much happier and more successful.’

  ‘Your choice, babe. No one is stopping you. But you might find it tougher than you think. Are you going to work your bum off and take a pay cut just to make a point? Is that what you want?’

  Cassie never seemed able to win an argument with Hal, but she did find one sympathetic ear at the firm: Marjorie Oldham, who’d worked as PA to a senior partner for years. She listened to Cassie’s comments and nodded, agreeing with her that the old-style law firms were having trouble adjusting to new attitudes and work programs, and the need to be more flexible regarding their employees. But, as she said gently to Cassie, ‘The majority of women who work in large law firms like this are extremely ambitious, just like the men. The last thing they want is a sign on their backs announcing, “I’m a working mum”. So they’ll work harder, put in longer hours, work for less, just to prove that they are as capable as their male counterparts. Cassie, if your ambition is different, if you aren’t prepared to give up everything else to get ahead, then my advice is get another life. Take your pay packet and walk out the door.’

  ‘Easier said than done,’ said Cassie. ‘As Hal has pointed out to me on many occasions, where else would I be able to get such good pay? Jobs paying what mine does are not easy to come by.’

  ‘But are you saving anything? What’s your and Hal’s long-term plan? Time can escape, you know.’

  ‘That’s true. We vaguely talk about starting a family. I’d like to have children. But there’s no actual plan,’ said Cassie.

  ‘How long have you been married?’ asked Marjorie.

  ‘Five years,’ admitted Cassie. ‘I married Hal when I was twenty-seven.’

  ‘Then make plans. If you don’t, he won’t. That’s all I can suggest.’

  Cassie thanked Marjorie and started to think about her and Hal’s life. For one thing, she decided, they had to be a bit more practical about money. They both earned really good salaries
but they also spent money without thinking. They ate out nearly every night because it was convenient. Hal only ever bought the best, whether it was a car or a coffee maker. They travelled. On long weekends they flew to lavish resorts on the Great Barrier Reef or to the snowfields. They went to Europe every two years for two or three weeks and stayed at the very best hotels. Hal’s suits and shirts were bespoke and he spent a small fortune on trendy casual gear. He was always generous to Cassie and gave her expensive jewellery each Christmas and birthday. They had their own bank accounts and never asked each other what they’d spent. But Cassie knew that if her account was anything to go by, most of his salary would have been frittered away like hers.

  Now, looking back over all that had happened, Cassie wondered at what point Hal had lost interest in her. If she was honest, their sex life had become infrequent and mundane. They were both always tired to the point of exhaustion.

  Hal had begun to spend even more time with his work colleagues, nearly every weeknight and also weekends. He always had an excuse for not being around. Cassie had thought that maybe Marjorie was right. Maybe she and Hal should have started a family. She had tried to imagine Hal being a father. What sort of an example would he set? Would he give up working late at night and on weekends for his family? She had doubted it.

  The more deeply she had considered her future the more she found herself withdrawing. She did her work, although she had to admit that her passion for the law was waning. Hal was absorbed in his cases, the details of which he no longer shared with her, and their conversation shrank to the trivia of daily life.

  Then Hal started being nice to her. It was only small things but because it was so unusual for him to give her a smile or a compliment, she assumed that, like her, he was reassessing their future. Perhaps it was the right time to start discussing a baby after all.

  How naive she’d been.

  One of the worst parts of finding out about Hal and Kellie was the realisation that others in the office were beginning to avoid her or were giving her odd glances. She’d noticed smirks and conversations stopped when she approached. One morning she got to work to find a yellow post-it note stuck to her computer with a scrawled message: ‘Watch your husband and a certain someone.’

  Suddenly everything made sense. A swift kaleidoscope of images flashed through her mind. She knew instantly who the woman was: Kellie Leslie, an elegant and sassy newcomer from a rival law firm. She was so blatantly ambitious that Cassie had commented to Hal about it. But Hal had seen things differently. ‘Well, whatever it takes. Got to give her credit for being up-front. She’s bright and good company. She’s probably been targeted by jealous women all her life.’

  Cassie had rolled her eyes.

  One Friday evening when they were having drinks after work, Cassie had watched with distaste as Kellie traded dirty jokes with her male colleagues and revealed office confidences. When she told Hal that she thought Kellie’s behaviour was unprofessional, she was surprised when he told her not to be so stuffy. He thought Kellie was a breath of fresh air.

  After she found the post-it note, Cassie confronted Hal. Of course he denied that he was having an affair.

  But when Cassie told Marjorie Oldham her suspicions, Marjorie said, ‘Leave it with me and I’ll make a few enquiries.’

  ‘It’s like a TV soapie. I just can’t believe it.’ Cassie was in shock.

  From that moment there had been an inevitable unravelling.

  When Marjorie confirmed the rumours, Cassie confronted Hal again and he made a reluctant admission and promised that the affair was over. He even agreed to counselling. But Cassie wondered if she really wanted her marriage to continue. She wasn’t sure that she really cared to stay on in the law firm either. It would be too humiliating to go on working there after all that had happened. Cassie was in turmoil, so she rang her mother.

  ‘Of course you can come and stay with me. Stay as long as you like. I’ll enjoy the company,’ her mother Jenny had answered when Cassie told her that she was planning on leaving the law firm and moving out of the apartment while she thought things over. ‘But are you sure that you want to walk away from your job? After all, you’ve done nothing wrong. Surely Hal should be the one leaving.’

  ‘As if, Mum. Hal is the golden-haired boy of the firm. All this has made me realise that Hal is not who I thought he was at all. It’s not just this affair either. We are moving in such different directions. I’m not sure that I want to stay married to him anymore. I suppose I should fight for the marriage, but at the moment I can’t. I need space and time away from him.’

  ‘But Cassie, if that’s the way you feel, why don’t you at least stay in the apartment and ask Hal to leave?’

  ‘I suppose I could, but honestly, I’ve never liked the place. It’s always felt more like a hotel room than home. Your place feels like home to me.’

  So Cassie had moved over to Manly, taking only a few possessions.

  ‘Why so few?’ asked her mother.

  ‘I suppose I could have taken more. Hal wouldn’t have put up much opposition but when I looked around the place, I realised that most of the things in it had been chosen by Hal, and I don’t really like them that much. Hal liked to buy things that he could show off to guests. I like more sentimental things, photos, old books, pretty vases. You know my taste.’

  ‘I certainly do,’ replied her mother. ‘There are boxes of your taste packed in the garage.’

  ‘I know. Hal hated my stuff. Said it didn’t suit the ambience of our place. Well, when I get a place of my own I’ll unpack my things and enjoy them.’

  ‘Any plans in that direction?’

  ‘Mum, if you can put up with me, I wouldn’t mind staying here for a little bit while I get used to the idea of being single again.’

  Cassie stayed with her mother and continued to see the counsellor until she was absolutely sure that the marriage was over. Hal seemed to be indifferent. But Cassie was not sure what to do about her own future. The law now held little appeal, but she didn’t know what else she could do. Her mother suggested that they take a holiday together and, while Cassie thought a break was a good idea, she decided that she wanted time on her own to think through her future.

  ‘Where would you go?’ her mother asked. ‘The snow?’

  ‘Oh, Mum, I’m not in the mood for après ski. I don’t know. Maybe somewhere not too far away, but quiet. I couldn’t cope with lots of people.’

  ‘Your father always said that the south coast was lovely at this time of year. A bit wild, but beautiful in its own way. He told me that he went to Whitby Point as a boy and always promised to take me, but we never seemed to find the time. The restaurant business was pretty full on. Anyway, you could give it a go. It’s only a few hours drive, and it’s the off season, so accommodation won’t cost much. When you get back, you might have a better idea of what it is you want to do. I never saw you and a high-powered law firm as a happy fit.’

  ‘Mum, I have no regrets about slogging away to get a law degree. I did like the job when I started but I want to rethink where I’m going and I need a blank canvas, to clear the decks and clear my mind.’

  ‘I understand,’ said her mother.

  *

  When a ray of watery sunshine broke through the clouds Cassie got up from the old chair and shook her head to clear it. Enough, she told herself. Let it go. It’s over.

  She was finding that her feelings for Hal were evaporating along with the hurt and the humiliation. She knew they had not been on the same wave length for ages and she wondered how they’d lasted as long as they had. Suddenly she had a sense of freedom, of being able to take deep breaths and move at her own pace in her own space away from the hothouse world of the law firm.

  The weather looked fine enough for her to walk into the little town. Now the rain was clearing she had time to get there and back before evening closed in. She took a light backpack so that she could buy some milk, a newspaper and something fresh to eat.

&nbs
p; Whitby Point was a small town with just a main street and several side streets, some of which led up the hill to small apartment complexes, old-style holiday houses and a few newer cottages, all of which seemed to be holiday rentals awaiting summer visitors. Some of the little shops and cafés were closed for the winter.

  As she strolled around Cassie felt very much at home. How nice it was to have time on her hands and no commitments. She browsed in the newsagency and bought a magazine as well as a paper.

  ‘Could you keep a paper for me each day, please?’ she asked the newsagent.

  ‘Sure, what’s your name?’

  ‘Cassie Holloway.’

  ‘How long do you want it for, Cassie?’

  ‘I’m not sure. Let’s say two weeks.’

  ‘You on holidays here? Sorry the weather’s not the best.’

  ‘It’s okay. I’m enjoying it.’

  ‘We deliver around town. Where are you staying?’

  ‘Out at Pelican Cove. If that’s too far for deliveries, not to worry. The walk into town does me good.’

  ‘You on your own?’ The newsagent looked concerned and Cassie hoped there hadn’t been some criminal on the loose in the area.

  ‘No, I have plenty of company,’ she said with a laugh, thinking of her books, magazines and music.

  ‘Good-o, then. See you tomorrow.’

  She continued down towards the harbour front, noticing the small library tucked beside a coffee shop advertising its abbreviated winter opening hours. She hadn’t spotted a bookstore so she was glad there was a library. The street nearest the seafront contained some lovely old homes. The harbour had been updated recently by the look of things and Cassie wondered if that was for the benefit of the tourists. The fish co-op at the main jetty was a smart building with a gift shop and an attached restaurant shrouded in plastic blinds. She went into the fish shop and cast an eye over the beds of shaved ice holding that day’s catch.

  A friendly woman with a big smile greeted her. ‘What are you after, luv?’