Brothers Forever

by Tawa M. Witko

  She suddenly let’s go of my hands and turns quickly, tapping her hand on the driver’s shoulder and giving him directions to their house. She then turns back around and she is smiling brightly and claps her hands excitedly several times.

  “Wonderful, it’s settled,” she says, kissing me again before slipping outside the door and joining her family.

  She is practically bouncing on the balls of her feet and I see Estelle smile and look our way. What just happened? Stephan and Viktor have their hands over their mouths trying not to laugh and Charles is just smiling at my confused expression.

  “Welcome to the whirlwind that is Beatrice. There is no fighting it, we have all learned to just go wherever she takes us.” When he says 'go' he rolls his hands dramatically.

  Finally, I laugh. “Do they not realize who I am?”

  He laughs. “They don’t care.”

  I stare at him in surprise. How could they not care?

  “They see you as family so they don’t care what you do for a living,” he says with a shrug as if that explains it all.

  “Alright, alright. Well, ummm, I guess I will see you there,” I say running my hand over my head.

  “Good.” He smiles widely. “I will see you at my house.”

  He looks at the driver and asks him his name. He tells him to give his name at the gate and not the passengers. He emphasizes the importance of this last piece and is now giving him that look and I try not to laugh. He may be all legitimate now but he is still Bolʹshoĭ. He then turns to me and grins before getting out of the vehicle. I watch him walk up to his family, and when I turn to Viktor and Stephan, they are smiling like idiots. They had wanted to stay longer but I insisted that we were leaving right after the baptism.

  “Yeah, well, we won’t stay long so don’t get comfortable. We will just duck away when his daughter isn’t looking,” I say grinning, wondering if that is even possible.

  The driver pulls away from the church and we follow the directions Beatrice gave us. My driver does as was instructed and moments later, the gate is opened and we are driving down a long driveway. Charles has a huge house with a definite security presence. You would think that HE was the head of a huge crime family. I don’t even think I have this much security. He had said that after everything went down with Michael and Rachel he upped his security. He wasn’t kidding. When we walk up to the door, a kind older woman greets us with a smile.

  “Mr. Livingston has told me to get you anything you might need and that you should all just make yourself at home. He should be arriving very shortly.”

  I nod as she steps aside to let us in the house. I shove my hands in my pockets and start walking around, admiring all the pictures that they have on the wall. One frame has a crack in it. I’m surprised Estelle would want that. She was usually very picky about her art. I inhale sharply as I remember seeing this picture right when you walked into their house in Chicago. I close my eyes, touching along the crack, knowing it wasn’t cracked before they left.

  “Dimitri!” Viktor says, touching my arm but I push him away.

  I walk to the door, stepping outside and see that his car is gone and so are Nikolai and Ivan. I bring my hands into my hair as tears start coming down my face. What did I just do? I reach into my pocket, pulling out my phone, my hand is shaking. Is it too late to call them off? It can’t be, but just as I start to call Nikolai to tell him I changed my mind, Viktor snatches the phone out of my hand. I stare at him, confused and angry. What is he doing?

  “He’s my friend too, Dimitri, but you can’t stop what you already started,” he says and I see that his eyes are wet as well. “Bolʹshoĭ will get out. You have given him his life,” he says softly.

  I just keep shaking my head, hearing his name is causing my heart to constrict tightly in my chest. “DON’T!” I wipe my hand over my eyes, getting rid of my tears. “DON’T say his name.”

  He nods and closes his eyes as I turn and walk inside. Viktor is following close behind me. Everyone is still quiet, in shock as they stare at me. I breathe in deeply, glaring at everyone.

  “Bolʹshoĭ is dead to me.” Just saying that causes my heart to beat uncontrollably. “This is the last I will say his name. No one is to ever talk about him. He…” I close my eyes and shake my head willing myself to say the next words. “He exists no more!”

  I open my eyes and I know that they are dark and menacing because everyone nods and looks away. My whole body is filled with rage at what’s happened, rage that needs to come out. I spot Katya and see that she is crying, but I am not sure if she is crying for me or for him. I am breathing heavily as she starts walking towards me, wiping her eyes. When she reaches me, she takes her hand in mine and leads me to the back. She is quiet as she takes me into my office.

  I barely wait for her to shut the door before I have her against it with my mouth on hers. I kiss her roughly as I start ripping off her clothes. I need to not feel what I am feeling right now. She needs to make me forget what just happened. She wraps her hands in my hair, pulling on it tightly.

  “I’m sorry,” she whispers against my neck.

  Those words right there just piss me off. I don’t need her pity or her sympathy. I grab her face with one of my hands and glare at her.

  “You are only sorry because you can’t screw him too! I know you still wanted him. Don’t deny it, Katya. You liked screwing us both,” I hiss out angrily.

  I am not sure why all of a sudden the thought of her being with Bolʹshoĭ angers me so much. It never bothered me before. She starts shaking her head and I see tears coming down her cheeks. She brings her hand to my face, touching me gently. What is she doing?

  “I haven’t been with anyone but you in years. I don’t want anyone else, Dimitri. I only want you. He knew that. He saw it before I did. I…” She hesitates before saying softly, “I love you!”

  I punch the door right next to her head and she flinches. I start shaking my head, my eyes shut tightly as I let go of her, stepping away. She doesn’t love me. She loves who I am. I wish Bolʹshoĭ was here so I could ask him. He would know what to say, what I should do. I feel tears coming out of my eyes again as I realize that I can never ask him anything, ever again. My brother is gone, my best friend is gone, and I am alone. I start crying, full out crying like I did when I was thirteen. I step further away from her as she reaches towards me. I just keep shaking my head and drop down against the wall, my face in my hands, sobbing, unable to stop.

  Katya kneels next to me, running her fingers through my hair. After several minutes, I sit up and lean back against the wall. She moves and straddles my lap. My hands immediately move into her hair so that I can bring her mouth back to mine, but just before I can kiss her she whispers that she loves me again. I don’t know how I feel about that. I do like her and she is kind of the one I have sex with the most. Is that love? I don’t know. It’s not what Bolʹshoĭ has for Estelle, something so strong that it was enough to give up his family because he couldn’t lose her. My heart constricts tightly and I feel like it might stop. What am I going to do now? Who can I talk to? No one else knows me. No one else gives a damn about me.

  As I kiss Katya, I get lost in what we are doing, how she feels and I think about what she said to me. I have known her my whole life and been having sex with her almost as long. And it suddenly dawns on me that I have never cried in front of anyone aside from my brother so I guess that should count for something. Maybe having someone love me is the closest I will get to actual love.

  “Are you okay?” Charles asks, concerned as he leans against the wall next to me.

  “Is this the picture Estelle made you buy in Paris?” I ask, not wanting to talk about what I was thinking just a moment ago.

  “Yes.” He laughs. “What’d you call it when I showed it to you?”

  “An expensive piece of shit,” I answer with a grin.

  “That’s right,” he says, laughing as he hands me a shot. “I have to make the rounds but I will do it as fas
t as I can. Almost everyone is just here to make an appearance so they will leave fairly quickly and then we can visit.”

  “They need to be seen with the big-time CEO?” I ask with a grin.

  He laughs again. “Yes, something like that.”

  “Do your thing, Bolʹshoĭ. I am sure I can amuse myself,” I joke.

  “I’m sure you can,” he grins, slapping me on the shoulder before he starts walking away.

  “Hey, where’s your friend?” I ask, causing him to stop. When he looks back at me I continue, “I want to talk to him about a couple of things.”

  He smiles. “Benny doesn’t do people well. I was lucky I got him to attend the baptism.”

  “So how did he escape your daughter?” I ask curiously.

  “Benny has made a living slipping in and out of places. Did you see him leave?” He asks and I shake my head, realizing that I hadn’t and he was sitting right next to me. “He is very good!” He taps my shoulder again. “I will be back in a little bit, Mladshiĭ.”

  I watch as he goes outside and then look around for Stephan and Viktor. I chuckle when I find Viktor talking animatedly with Estelle’s parents. Beatrice and her man are right in the middle, listening intently. I then spot Stephan talking with some huge guy that I recognize as one of Michael’s friends. They must be talking about football because they are both acting like they are trying to throw a pass. He must be very happy as none of us ever want to talk about football with him. I walk up to a window and look outside and see all of these people I don’t know. Business men in suits, kissing up to Bolʹshoĭ. I smile as they follow him around like people follow me. All the while, Estelle is visiting with the women and making them all feel special.

  “Do you need anything, дядя?” I hear next to me and glance over at Michael.

  “No, I am fine, thank you.”

  He glances out the window and chuckles. “It’s fun to watch them work a room, or in this case, a yard,” he says chuckling, “It always fascinates me.”

  I laugh. “Yes, he has always been able to walk in both worlds. It’s funny, he is the same, yet different.”

  “Really?” He asks and I can hear the curiosity in his voice.

  “When he was around, people couldn’t help but pay attention to him. He was my …” I don’t finish my thought.

  “Was, what?”

  “You see, I was small and not very assuming when I was younger. Bolʹshoĭ always protected me. When we got older, he continued to do that. Everyone was afraid of him, and because of that no one ever touched me.” I glance at him and he is watching his father.

  “I saw a little bit of that side of him,” he says with his brows furrowed.

  “Did he scare you?” I ask, knowing first-hand how intimidating he can be.

  He gets a sad expression on his face. “Yes.” He glances at me. “I suppose that doesn’t sound very tough, does it?”

  “Being tough isn’t about not being afraid. I am sure Bolʹshoĭ would tell you that he was afraid many times. But that is not what made people fear him.” Michael is looking at me expectedly. “People feared him because they knew that, no matter what, he would do whatever it took to protect me. Do you understand?” He shakes his head. “Being tough is about being afraid and doing it anyway.” He starts nodding his head slightly. “And I am positive that you would be just as tough as your father if it came to protecting someone you loved.”

  He takes a deep breath and nods again, looking back at his parents and then back at me. “How old is your son?”

  “He’s nineteen now.”

  “He didn’t want to come and meet us?” He looks a little hurt.

  “No, it wasn’t that. We had, umm, business that he needed to take care of in my absence. Plus, I wasn’t sure what to expect. I actually had only planned on going to the baptism.”

  “Oh,” he replies nodding. “That makes sense.”

  “Where are your wife and son?” I ask, trying to steer the conversation so that he doesn’t ask me anything about my business.

  He frowns. “I don’t know. I thought she was just going to change him.” He looks around the room and then chuckles. “She is probably nursing him.” Then he gets this mischievous look on his face. “I am going to go check on them. Are you sure you don’t need anything?”

  I smile. “Yes, I am sure,” I reply as he nods and takes off.

  Sure you are going to check on them. He is probably thinking that the baby is asleep so he might get some action. I laugh. He is very much like his father. I glance outside again and my mind wanders to the day I found out that I was going to be a father.

  “Dimitri!” Katya shouts, coming out of the bathroom.

  I roll my eyes. I don’t know why she is shouting when I am right here. She comes out all smiles as she straddles my lap. I glance at the clock on the wall and smile. I have enough time for a quickie. I run my hand up her shirt, but before I can more she brings some stick like thing between us. What’s that? She is sort of bouncing on my lap and now I am having a hard time focusing on what she is holding as I unbutton her pants and move my hand inside.

  “Look?” She says excitedly, trying to get my attention.

  I furrow my brows, look at what? I then see that the stick she is holding has the word pregnant written across it. I quickly stand up and she practically falls to the floor, barely grabbing on to the table to prevent her fall. She is looking at me stunned and then the look morphs to anger.

  “NO!” She screams and I can see tears under the surface. “Don’t you dare give me that doctor’s number. I won’t call him, not again. I WON’T!” She yells as she starts hitting me on the chest, tears flowing down her face.

  “What the hell is wrong with you?” I yell, pushing her back.

  “I thought you wanted to have a baby? I thought that was the plan? Your father…”

  She sees the look on my face and takes another step back as I grab the edge of the table and flip it over, everything shattering on the floor. I storm up to her, pushing her all the way back against the counter. I can see the fear in her eyes as I grab her face in my hand.

  “My father wants another Komarovski Prince. He doesn’t give a shit about anything else. I WON’T give him that. You need to get rid of IT!” I spit out venomously.

  She is crying but shaking her head and now I am torn. I slam my hand against the counter several times watching her jump each time but I am so close to her she can’t move. I finally rest my head against hers, trying to settle down and control my heavy breathing. She moves her hand into the back of my hair, gently massaging my scalp, knowing that tends to calm me down. Why is she doing this to me? I thought she understood how I felt about having children. Why I didn’t want them.

  “Katya, please…” I take a deep breath. “Please don’t do this to me.” I lift her chin up gently and see that she is still crying. “Look at me,” I say with a pained expression on my face. “Look at what I am, what I am capable of.” She is just staring at me with loving eyes. “People like me shouldn’t be parents. I… I will be a horrible father,” I say distraught.

  “No, you won’t,” she says running her hand along my jaw and then cupping my cheek tenderly. “Dimitri, I want this baby. Please!” She begs as she moves her other hand through my hair.

  She starts kissing me lightly on the mouth until I finally part my lips allowing her to deepen the kiss. I just close my eyes, getting lost in her, but in my head I am wishing that my brother was here to talk to about this because I am not so sure I am doing the right thing.

  “You know…” I hear Estelle say next to me, bringing me out of my thoughts. “You can’t get that far away look on your face when you are near a psychologist. I am bound by the laws of nature to inquire.”

  I turn to her and she is smiling. She has such compassion on her face that it just baffles me. How can she look at me and act like everything is okay, like I didn’t threaten her life and the life of their unborn child? I can’t even forgive myself for what I
did but here she is, forgiveness clearly written all over her face.

  “How are you able to forgive me after what I did to you two?” I ask confused.

  She sighs. “We both love him. In hindsight, I think we were both just pulling him in opposite directions. The harder you pulled, the harder I pulled. He was committed to both of us.”

  She then turns to watch him. It’s odd too because it’s as if he knows she is watching him and he turns automatically in our direction, smiling. I was such a fool. How could I stop that? If I hadn’t been so jealous, I would have just let him go on his own and then maybe we could have maintained a relationship. I wouldn’t have lost my brother.

  “I was going through a lot during that time. People were challenging me left and right. No one thought I should have taken over for my father. It made me feel… weak and I made things more difficult for him. I was reckless and I ended up forcing his hand. Maybe if I hadn’t it wouldn’t have led to what it did.”

  She doesn’t say anything right away but then turns her gaze my way. “He has missed you, Dimitri.”

  “I have missed him too.”

  She smiles and I turn to the window again, as does she. We are both quiet for a few minutes, watching Charles talk to people. He doesn’t look like he was ever a part of my world. Of course, he was never meant to be there in the first place. I sigh as I watch him move to another person and my mind wanders back to when he was shot because of me.

  I’m standing outside the hospital. I want to go in but something is stopping me. I don’t know what. Maybe it’s the idea that if I don’t see him in there then he isn’t hurt. That he’s just fooling around with Estelle and will be in the bar later. I look at the ground and shove my hands in my pockets as I make my way inside.

  “I am looking for Charles Livingston?” I tell the nurse. It feels strange to call him that.

  “He’s in the ICU, fourth floor,” she replies.

  I nod at her and head that way. When I walk into the room, I see Estelle walking out of the bathroom. She looks tired and I can’t imagine that she has slept much. She stares at me for a moment. Her eyes rake over me and a hostile expression washes over her face as she walks to the bed and sits down beside him.