Talk of the Village

by Rebecca Shaw

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  'Morning Peter. I'm taking up the challenge.'

  'What challenge is that?'

  'My beloved and valuable mother-in-law has said she will give me £10 each time I go for a run with you. She says I shan't manage it but I'm determined I shall. She ought to be called sadistic Sadie. She says I'm fat,'Jimbo patted his bulging midriff as evidence, 'so I'm definitely going to get fit.'

  'Right, well, I shall be glad of your company. Here we go. I usually do a circular tour round Sykes Wood and back. Is that all right?'Jimbo quaked at the prospect but put on a brave face. He couldn't afford to allow his mother-in-law a laugh at his expense.

  'Of course, nothing to it.' Peter set off at his regular brisk pace and almost immediately Jimbo realised he wouldn't make the grade. Just before he had begun showing serious signs of stress Venetia Mayer came into view wearing her pink track suit. She waved enthusiastically.

  'Hi there.' She continued running on the spot while chatting, without any sign of shortness of breath.

  'Good morning Venetia, have you met Jimbo from the village store?'

  'Hi Jimbo. How perfectly delightful meeting two such fine specimens of manhood at this time in the morning. It seems to me that you are both prime candidates for membership of the health club when we open at the end of next month. Peter, I must say your physique is superb. Are you a sports fanatic?'

  'Not really Venetia, simply a man who wants to keep fit.'

  'Well, come to see me at Turnham House. I'll see you keep fit all right. We shall be holding "Executive Trim" classes, which I think will be ideal for you. What about you Jimbo? You need my services more than Peter. You don't strip quite as well as he does. Looks to be lots of flab

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  to be attacked with our special exercises. How about if I offer the pair of you an introductory course at half price. How's that for a bargain?'

  Peter and Jimbo agreed it might be a good idea.

  'Two Tarzans you would be before a month was out. Then all the women in the village would be after you both in a trice.' She laid a hand on Peter's arm, tweaked his muscles and winked at him. 'A few hours on a sun bed and you would look superb. There's nothing like a tan to increase a man's sex appeal!'

  'Well, we must be on our way Venetia, thanks for the offer, we might take you up on it.' Jimbo hastened off, followed by Peter who couldn't stop laughing.

  'I don't think she realises who I am, do you?'

  'No, Peter, I don't. The woman really is the limit. Has she gone yet?'Jimbo turned round to check. 'Yes she has. It's no good I shall have to turn back. Do you think I can claim I've been for a run?'

  'In all conscience, no, you can't.'

  'You're right, I can't. You carry on Peter, and exercise your jungle man body. I can't keep it up.' Peter waved and carried on with his run. Jimbo turned back and slowly jogged his way home.

  Sadie, having listened to their encounter with Venetia, was highly amused.

  'How far did you run then Jimbo?'

  'Not far enough. But I'm working on it.'

  'So my ten pounds is safe then?'

  'For the moment. I might take her up on the offer of membership. Keep the old flab at bay. Would you like to join, Harriet?'

  'Yes, I would. Time I paid more attention to my body. In any case I can't let you and Peter loose up there with no one to keep an eye on you. If you're going in the Jacuzzi, you'll go in it with me not Venetia. What's Jeremy like? Have you seen him?'

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  'No, and if he's as sexy as her we'll both have some fun.'

  Sadie took hold of a fistful ofjimbo's sweat shirt. 'No straying James, You're married to my daughter and don't you forget it. I'm very handy with the garden shears.'

  'Ouch! That's positively mediaeval. You wouldn't be so cruel would you darling?' He placed an arm round Harriet's shoulders and hugged her.

  'Just try me.'

  'Remember the garden shears James, that's all I ask.' Sadie laughed as she headed for the office to catch up on her mail orders.

  Harriet's curiosity about Jeremy was satisfied later that morning when he came into the Store to enquire about the possibility of ordering food for the health club.

  'I'm looking for quality food, fresh, well-presented and appetising. Ideally I need someone willing to provide all the food at competitive prices. There's no way we shall have time for shopping here and there and everywhere once we open. I must admit I cut prices to the bone, there's no fooling me when it comes to overheads. And I shan't hesitate to change my supplier at a moment's notice if I feel I'm being taken advantage of.'

  'We are not in the business of cheating anyone. Fair prices and consistent good quality is what we guarantee. In return we expect our bills to be paid on time. There's absolutely no credit.'

  'Well, at least we understand each other.'

  'Coffee?' Harriet stood with her hand poised on the lever of the customer's coffee machine.

  'Yes, please.' She had to admit that Jeremy was a disappointment. Having heard about his wife Harriet had anticipated an Adonis. Instead he was thick set, if not downright chubby with a large bald patch in the middle of his grey hair. His heavy glasses enhanced him not one

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  jot. She couldn't see him doing an early morning run with his wife. More than likely he was tucking into bacon and eggs sunny side up while she was out jogging.

  'How long have you been in the health club business, Jeremy?'

  'New venture, actually. Venetia has the beauty and the experience and I have the brains and the money. This coffee's good.'

  'Jimbo is out on business at the moment. If you could give me some idea of the kind of food you would be wanting and how you would like deliveries made and how often et cetera, when he gets back we could have a discussion about it.'

  'Certainly. I've written down my thoughts on the subject so I'll leave them with you to browse over. Could I have another cup of coffee, please?'

  'Of course. I've been wondering where you're going to get people from to fill up your health club. There's not many people around here who could afford to be members let alone stay there.'

  'I have lots of business contacts and we intend promoting it as a place to send executives for a social as well as a physical weekend. Build company loyalty and morale and all that jazz. All paid for by the employers, of course.'

  'I see. Well, here's hoping you have lots of success. I'm sure you will. As you say, with Venetia's beauty and your brains you're bound to be onto a winner.'

  'Exactly. Must be off. There's our card. Give me a ring and we'll arrange a meeting. Remember though I'm in business. It's not a charity, so no fancy prices. Good day to you.' He left the store in a hurry, climbing into his BMW with more haste than grace.

  'And so much for you Jeremy Mayer. No fancy prices indeed! If we didn't need the business I'd tell him what to do with his orders,' Harriet muttered to herself.

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  'Who's that just disappeared in a cloud of dust?' Caroline asked as she manoeuvred her pram in through the door.

  'Good morning Caroline. That is the famous or is it infamous Jeremy Mayer from the health club. He's not anything like I'd expected.'

  'I wonder if he knows his wife's been making passes at the rector? I shall be having a thing or two to say to her if she doesn't stop.'

  'Don't take it too seriously Caroline, Peter's not so foolish as to be taken in by her. Can I lift Beth out?'

  'Yes of course. I can't find my list, yet I know I put it out to bring with me.' Caroline tried all the pockets of her jacket and eventually found it tucked down the side of the pram mattress. 'I really think I've lost my marbles since I got these two. I don't know what I'm doing most of the rime.'

  'Would you be without them, that's the question.'

  'Certainly not. But it does take some adjusting to when one's led an adult, shackle free existence for so long and then suddenly your life is not your own any more.'

  'That will pass. Now little lady I'm g
oing to put you back in your pram and pick up your brother for a cuddle. Mustn't show favouritism must we?'

  Harriet picked up Alex and kissed the top of his head. 'What darlings you are.' Harriet cuddled Alex against her face. 'Mmmm little babies are lovely. I'm very jealous of you do you know that?' Harriet put Alex back in the pram and said, 'I'm thinking of joining the health club. Jimbo fancies it and I'm going to keep an eye on him. What do you think?'

  'No time really Harriet. Peter might join but I won't. I'm not into exercise and all that right now.'

  Whilst Harriet was putting Caroline's shopping together for her, Venetia dashed in. She'd changed her pink track suit for a pale green one, all colour co-ordinated

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  with her headband and slouch socks. Emblazoned across her back were the words Turnham House Health Club.

  'Harriet hi! I met your husband this morning. I'm trying to persuade him to join our health club. Do you think he will? Would you like to join as well? We're expecting a rush for membership so you'd better make your mind up quickly. He was out with this gorgeous man called Peter this morning. Now, he really is a superb physical specimen. Just the kind I like. Tall, well made, fair haired, with surprising muscles. I told him a few hours on a sunbed would just set the seal on him. My dear, he's devastatingly attractive. I could really make music with him. Can't think what he's doing living out here in the sticks. Do you know him at all? Of course you must, if he was out running with your Jimbo.'

  Harriet tried to hush her up but it was no good. Caroline grew steadily more and more angry as Venetia blithely enthused over Peter's physique.

  'Are you aware that you are speaking about my husband?' she asked finally. Venetia turned to study Caroline. 'You should be delighted to hear his praises sung so enthusiastically.'

  'I'm not delighted, I'm very angry.'

  At this Venetia only laughed and said, 'All's fair in love and war.'

  Caroline left the Store without her shopping. She strode home in a furious temper and then burst into tears as soon as she got inside the rectory door. Alex and Beth, sensing her distress, also began crying. When Peter got home a few minutes later he found the house in uproar.

  'Darling, whatever is the matter? Come here to me.' Peter took hold of Beth and put his other arm round Caroline as she sat herself on his knee holding Alex. She wept.

  'I've been such a fool. I've made a complete idiot of myself. That dreadful Venetia Mayer came into the store

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  and what had been a nice conversation with Harriet turned into a steaming row with Venetia.'

  'What about?'

  'You.'

  'Me?'

  'Yes, you. She thinks you are absolutely superb and wants to make music with you. Sunbed and all.'

  'Did she not realise who I am?'

  'No, not till I spoke up. I should just have laughed and made light of it, instead I got furiously angry.' Caroline began laughing through her tears. 'I really was a fool. I expect it's because I'm so tired, I take umbrage at almost anything. I shall have to apologise to her.'

  'Don't do that, I'll go and see her, do the apologising and warn her off.'

  'You'll do no such thing. '/ do the apologising. It was me who blew my top. She doesn't know you're the rector and I didn't enlighten her. I couldn't hide behind that as a reason for her to hold off.'

  'I do love your sound commonsense Caroline. You do know I haven't encouraged her don't you?'

  'Yes, I do. Absolutely. She's the threat, not you. I shall apologise the very next time I see her.'

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  Chapter 5

  Caroline met Venetia a few days later when she was in Harriet's tearoom having morning coffee. She'd left the twins with Sylvia who'd promised to keep an eye on them while she did the ironing. Caroline was glad to escape for a little while and become a person again in her own right. Life was beginning to get a certain balance to it since Sylvia had come to live in. Her parochial .duties having taken second place since the twins had arrived she was becoming aware of her neglect of Peter's flock. So this morning she would rectify the matter. And where better to meet people than in the tearoom?

  It was half full when she went in. There was the usual sprinkling of tourists come to view the ancient tombs, the church murals and the stocks on the green and, dotted amongst them, were villagers out to meet anyone and everyone who might have some news to impart. She greeted the parishioners, smiled at a few of the strangers then took a seat at a table near the back. She ordered her filter coffee and a slice of Harriet's famous carrot cake and sat back to enjoy a grown-up interlude.

  Venetia entered carrying a large poster. Her voice carried right to the back of the tearoom.

  'I'm Venetia Mayer from Turnham House Health Club.' She spun herself round so the cashier could see the words printed on the back of her track suit. 'I'd like you

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  to display this poster in one of your windows. I'm going round to the store to ask Jimbo if I can put one on his Village Message Board but I thought one in here might be a good idea.'

  The cashier looked warily at her. Caroline sensed a feeling of resentment in the look.

  'Leave it here behind the counter and I'll ask Mr Charter-Plackett if I can put it up.'

  'Oh, but I want to put it up now. You might forget.'

  'I'm sorry, Mr Charter-Plackett employs me and I have to ask his permission before I put up notices. We can't have every Tom Dick and Harry littering the place with posters. He's very particular, is Mr Charter-Plackett. Doesn't want to spoil the ambonce he says.'

  'Oh very well, but you won't forget, will you? I'll have an orange juice please.'

  'The girl will come to your table and take your order. I deal with the money.'

  'It's a wonder to me you get any customers in here at all with an attitude like yours. I wouldn't want to employ you at the health club.'

  'No cause to worry yourself about that, I wouldn't want a job there anyways.'

  'Well really! How rude. I shall have words about this with Jimbo. Such rudeness to a customer. Oh hello there, you're Peter's wife, aren't you?' She trotted down between the tables.

  'That's right.' Caroline pulled out a chair. 'Come and sit with me.'

  'These people are extremely rude. Are they always like this?'

  'No, they're not. But I was very rude to you last time I saw you. I owe you an apology. It was entirely due to lack of sleep, I suppose. I'd been up with the twins a lot during the night and couldn't see straight at all. But that's no excuse. I'm so sorry.'

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  'That's fine. I didn't take any notice of you anyway. But you have to admit he is gorgeous. You are very lucky. I unashamedly admit I married money. Lots of it.'

  The girl brought her orange juice and banged it down with little grace.

  'See what I mean? They are thoroughly unpleasant people.'

  Venetia sipped her orange juice and commented on its quality. 'We're buying all the food for Turnham House from Jimbo and Harriet. I imagine they provide some good stuff.'

  'Oh yes, they are excellent. They've only been here for about three years, I understand. Jimbo used to work in the city but decided he hated it and it wasn't a good life for his children, so he and Harriet resurrected the village shop and they've made a great success of it.'

  As Caroline finished singing the praises of the Turnham Malpas Store, Mrs Peel the organist left her table and came across with an envelope.

  'Could you give this to the Rector for me, Dr Harris? Save me knocking on your door. He asked for a list of music I fancied buying for the Services. Said he'd pop into Culworth and order it.'

  'Certainly Mrs Peel. I loved the pieces you played on Sunday. I thought that Scarlatti delightful.'

  'Thank you, Dr Harris, I don't often get compliments, except from your husband, of course. Since he came I've felt that at last here's someone who could appreciate and inspire an organist.'

  'I'm glad about that. The music is so important.'

/>   'Old Mr Furbank never cared that much for the music. I could have played nursery rhymes and he wouldn't have been any the wiser. Good morning to you Dr Harris.' She gave a curt nod to Venetia and went out.

  'Caroline! I had no idea that your Peter is the rector. What a laugh. Oh, well, maybe I brightened his day.

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  What on earth is such a super man doing being a rector? Oh my word.'

  'Because he is a committed Christian, that's why.' 'Well, I may as well be honest. He won't be seeing me in church, I've no time for it. Hope to be too busy on Sunday mornings to go, even if I wanted to. See what I mean about the villagers though? She virtually ignored me. They don't want to know. Well, they'll have to put up with me because I intend staying and making a success of this place. Cheery bye. I'm off.'

  Venetia waved a carefree hand and set off towards the door deliberately smiling and nodding at everyone as she went. The village people did not respond.

  The regulars in The Royal Oak had plenty to say about the health club. Willie Biggs, the verger, confided to his drinking partner, Jimmy Glover, that it was an excuse for a sexual orgy like them Romans used to have.

  'Wouldn't go as far as that Willie, but by Jove that woman in the tracksuit has plenty going for her. Nice bit of crackling and not half.'

  'She ain't a woman, she's a walking sexpot skelling-ton. See her eyes when she spots.the rector. He's 'ad to change his route for his morning run to avoid her. They say she made eyes at him not knowing who he was. Dr Harris had a row with her in the Store because of it, and she's made sheep's eyes at Jimbo before now. Huzzy she is, Jimmy, a huzzy.'

  'What I don't like is them making the Big House into a circus. Jaccersys and them naked Swedish steam things. Goes against nature. All them beautiful walls and them lovely paintings. I remember as a boy when we all went up from school to sing carols and then had mince pies and orange squash in the music room. Miss Evans getting bright red doing the conducting and then fidgeting with 'er 'ands and staring at her shoes when Sir Tristan made

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