by Donna Fasano
“Well,” he said, “after three stories and a diaper change, she’s finally settling in.”
Nicki could only smile, hoping her desolation and sadness didn’t show. The feelings were silly, anyway. But snuffing them out was impossible. The fact that he got Sona settled and into bed all by himself was just more evidence that his need of her had dwindled to a mere trickle, and that only made her misery worse.
“I think we need to talk,” he said.
She nodded, knowing that even though the porch was dark, the light cast from the doorway illuminated her face enough so he could see her silent response. She simply didn’t trust her voice enough yet to actually speak to him.
He came toward her, but stopped before he got too close. She was relieved when he didn’t reach to snap on the overhead light. This discussion was better held in the shadows. Sean folded his arms tightly across the broad expanse of his chest, leaning his shoulder against one of the exposed, glossy-finished wall studs.
“How long have you known about the job?”
She felt the urge to retreat. But that would do no good. They had to have this conversation sometime. Now was as good a time as any.
“Not long,” she said. “Only a couple of days.”
His silence seemed to relay his disapproval.
“You knew I’d been inquiring.” She moistened her suddenly dry lips. “That was the plan from the very beginning.”
“You’re right. I know.”
There was defensiveness in his tone, and the last thing Nicki wanted was to argue with him. In fact, she was in no shape to spar. She was already too close to tears as it was. If his anger flared, or she became too distressed, she just might reveal more of her feelings than she should.
“I just wondered why you didn’t tell me right away.”
Because I didn’t want to spoil all the fun we were having. Because I liked the way you flirted with me. The way you looked at me. The way you kissed me.
She couldn’t tell him those things. So she said nothing.
He turned his head, focusing his gaze somewhere out in the darkness of the backyard, and silence settled in for what threatened to be a long siege.
Minutes ticked by, and Nicki’s agony only swelled and bulged, growing ever more uncomfortable. Their time together would soon be over. She had to deal with that. Get used to the idea. And move on.
So she’d made the mistake of falling in love with Sean. She’d get over it.
But even though she’d someday get over these intimate feelings for him, she would never stop caring about him. And even though he’d told her before that he was not interested in having a woman in his life, she still felt that would be the best thing for him.
She thought about Sona’s visit to the pediatrician and how upset Sean had been. Once she left, he would have no one to lean on. He’d been terribly angry the last time she’d spoken her mind about his finding a wife. However, once she left she wouldn’t have another opportunity to tell him he needed to open his heart to love.
Deciding then and there to chance stirring his ire, she wondered how best to go about bestowing what she knew would be unwanted advice.
“Sean,” she said, and then she waited until he looked her way. “I’ll be leaving soon.”
He only had to turn his head a fraction of an inch to look at her. His broad chest rose and fell as he breathed.
“But,” she continued, “I have something I’d like to say. Once I go away, I won’t ever get a chance to tell you how I feel.”
She’d piqued his interest, she could tell. His shoulders relaxed slightly and his head cocked a fraction as he locked his attention on her.
‘‘Since coming here—” her mouth went dry, but she pushed forward “—I feel that we’ve… become friends.”
Tension knotted his jaw muscle.
‘‘I can’t help but tell you again that… you need someone. You really do.”
‘‘Nicki—”
But she refused to let up. “Wait,” she told him. “Please let me finish. I care about you. I care about Sona. I know I’ve made the arguments before, but I’ll be worried about the two of you when I leave here. I just want you to tell me that you’ll at least think about dating. That you’ll at least try to imagine yourself with a woman who can… help you. Who can be a mommy to Sona.”
She didn’t want her thoughts to go into too much detail about what this other woman might do with Sean. What ecstasy this other woman might find in his arms. Simply knowing the man she loved wasn’t alone would be enough. It would have to be.
“Promise me that, once I’m gone,” she tried again, “you’ll work on finding yourself a wife.”
He sighed. His arms falling to his sides as he came toward her.
“Oh, Nicki.” He sat down next to her. “It makes me feel good to know you care. About me. About Sona.”
She didn’t know what to say. She’d steeled herself for his anger. This calm emphatic response wasn’t what she’d expected, so she hadn’t a clue what to say.
“You’re right,” he said. “We have become friends. And I know I owe you so much. I want you to understand. I want you to let me explain—’’ he hesitated long enough to take her hand in his “—why I can never make that promise to you.”
Chapter Ten
“She was so young.”
His voice flowed over Nicki like heated velvet, caressing and whisper soft, but an underlying tension in his words put her on edge… a disconcerting combination.
“Only nineteen.” A taut sigh issued from between his lips. “I loved her.” He quickly stressed, “I did.” He gazed over her shoulder into the night as he spoke, and Nicki couldn’t help but wonder if he’d emphasized the point for her sake—or his own.
He shook his head, his tone growing faint as he added, “But we were just too young to get married.” Nicki sat, silent and pensive. His relationship with this young woman must have been serious if thoughts of marriage were linked to the memory.
“She’d graduated high school the year before,” he continued. “She had a full-time job. She was ready to start the next phase of her life, which was, in her mind, marriage, children, a home… a happily-ever-after surrounded by a lush, green lawn and a white picket fence.” He absently rubbed his fingers back and forth across his jaw. “Me? I was just entering my third year of college. Barely twenty. Nowhere near making that kind of commitment or taking on the responsibilities of a wife and family. I had too many ambitions where my education was concerned.
“She spoke of our wedding often,” he said. “I tried to be patient. Tried to explain my goals in a way that wouldn’t hurt her feelings. But she just didn’t seem to understand.”
Nicki felt his deep, intense gaze on her face, but she doubted that he even saw her. He was in another place. Another time.
“Maybe she understood,” he whispered, “but she was intent on achieving her own goals.” He exhaled forcefully. “I don’t know.”
He leaned away from her, resting his elbows on his knees. His neck muscles relaxed slightly so that his head hung slightly downward. He stared at his clasped hands, or the floor, Nicki couldn’t tell which since his position now hid his face from her view. He heaved a deep sigh. A sigh that told her something was coming. Something big. Something bad. And whatever it was, Sean dreaded the telling, that much was clearly evident. Nicki’s breath caught and held as she waited for him to share what must surely be an awful memory.
“She came to my dorm room one day,” he said, his voice grating with suppressed emotion. “She pushed me about setting a date. Again. I kept telling her that the time wasn’t right. I didn’t want to hurt her. I never meant to hurt her. But she pushed and pushed. And then she blurted out that she wanted to get married right then. Right at the start of my junior year. I told her it was a ridiculous idea. That we had to wait. She acted like she didn’t even hear me. She’d work, she said. While I went to school. Our lives would be perfect, she said.”
His inhalatio
n was ragged. ‘‘I boiled over. Completely lost control. I was so frustrated and angry. Didn’t she understand what I was trying to do? I asked her. I was working toward a degree. Didn’t that mean anything to her? I said so many things, I don’t even remember all of them now. But what I do remember was turning her down. Unequivocally. I told her I wasn’t getting married—to her or anyone else—for a very long time. Not for years.” He rubbed his hands over his face. “She called me names. Ranted and raved. Then she ran out, sobbing so loudly that people had begun to poke their heads out of their doors to see what all the commotion was about.”
Sean went utterly still, and Nicki had to force herself not to touch him. Not yet. Something in her told her now wasn’t the time. He was too wrapped up in events of the past.
“She drove off—” his voice caught, but he swallowed and then finished “—and promptly caused a five-car accident on the highway.”
Nicki was afraid her horrified gasp would disturb him. However, he was too caught up in his memory to even be aware of her reaction.
“By the time I got to the hospital,” he said, “it was too late.”
“Oh, Sean—” This time, the impulse to reach out to him was too great to deny. She slid her hand over his biceps. “She died?”
“No.”
The single word seemed to be wrenched from him, and Nicki frowned in confusion. Then what had he meant by…
“But our baby did.” His huge sigh was filled with an all-consuming misery. “She miscarried. And I hadn’t even known she’d been pregnant.”
He seemed to isolate himself, his emotions, from the present. And Nicki knew that nothing she could say would comfort him at this moment. She pulled her hand away from his arm, pressing it flat against her chest, against her heart that ached so for him.
“I was so damned selfish,” he vented angrily. “I was so wrapped up in what I wanted, in what I intended to have, that I refused to listen to her. I didn’t hear what she was saying—what she was trying to relay—in those pleadings for marriage. She was in trouble. She was pregnant with my child. She was scared. And I turned her down. I turned her away.”
He raked his fingers through his hair. “My callousness, my domineering nature, my stubbornness… but most of all my self-centeredness caused the death of my own child.”
A single breath tore from his chest, and Nicki was certain he was going to break down. But he held firm, releasing the exhalation with teetering restraint.
Nicki wanted desperately to hold him, but not knowing how he’d react, she kept her hands to herself.
“I vowed back then,” he continued softly, ‘‘that I wouldn’t inflict pain on another woman. I wouldn’t let anyone fall in love with me. I wouldn’t allow anyone to get close enough to get hurt. I’m just not fit to be a partner. That was clear to me then. Just as it’s clear to me now.”
In that moment, Nicki understood. When she’d first met Sean, she had suspected he didn’t want to become involved because he’d been hurt by a woman. But now she knew the truth. Sean refused to become involved because he was the one who had done the hurting.
The idea that he would forgo happiness, that he would deny himself the love and companionship, the sharing and tenderness that a life partner would bring was overwhelmingly heart-wrenching for Nicki. Tears welled in her eyes, inflicting pinpricks of pain as emotion filled her heart, her chest, her whole body. She felt for him. Sadness and regret for what he obviously saw as his callous actions toward the young woman, and the unbearable grief he suffered—then and even now—for his beloved child… the child of whom he’d been unaware until it was too late.
Then Nicki was struck with a realization. Sean had made some pretty tough life decisions for himself because he felt guilty about events that had taken place in the past—events over which he’d had little or no control.
‘‘Sean,” she said in the stillness.
He didn’t respond, didn’t move a muscle, and she decided that he was still lost in his horrible memories. The urge to rescue him washed over her, engulfed her like rising, swirling floodwaters, and at that moment, all she wanted to do was help him break free of the past.
Sliding her hand over his shoulder, she gave a gentle tug. “Sean, listen to me.”
He turned toward her, and the look on his face nearly ripped her heart in two. His eyes had lost their intensity, even in the dim light of the porch she could see it. He seemed lethargic, as if he’d been running a long, endless race for ages and he was just plain tired.
“You can’t blame yourself,” she said. “You didn’t know she was pregnant. You didn’t know about the baby when she drove off.”
“I can blame myself,” he told her.
There wasn’t anger in his tone. Only candid honesty.
“And I do.” He paused long enough to swallow. “If I hadn’t been so domineering, Christine would have felt comfortable enough to tell me the truth. I rejected her, and she blindly ran away and got involved in an accident that took our baby’s life. I’ll always feel responsible. Always.”
Surprisingly, Nicki understood. She smoothed her fingers up his forearm and then back down, trying in vain to give him some small measure of comfort.
“You know,” she began, “we’re often told to put the past behind us. To learn from our mistakes and try hard not to repeat them. To forget the past and move on. But I believe that life has handed you a situation that can’t be forgotten. It can’t even be transcended.” She curled her fingers around his wrist. “It simply has to be lived with.”
He actually seemed relieved when he realized she wasn’t going to try to talk him out of feeling guilty about the events of long ago.
“I also believe,” she continued, “that the person you have become is a direct result of what you have experienced in your past. I believe that’s true of everyone. You. Me.” She cocked her head slightly to one side. “Everyone.”
She softened her tone as she added, ‘‘If you hadn’t rejected Christine, if you hadn’t turned away from your first opportunity to have a family, then …who knows? You might never have felt the urge to respond to Sona’s desperate need for a parent, for a home, when you saw that television program. And I’ll tell you something else …you may feel badly about what you see as your self-seeking behavior in the past, but taking that little girl in when she had nothing and nowhere to go is the most unselfish act there is.”
Nicki could see from the light sparking in his eyes that she was forcing him to think. It was a small fight—a tiny ray of hope, Nicki mused—but it was there nonetheless. For the first time it seemed, he was pondering his situation, his past, from a different angle.
“I’m not about to tell you to forget the past,” she said. “But I am going to tell you it’s time to forgive. And the person you need to forgive is yourself.” With each statement she made, his spine became a little straighter. His brow furrowed a little deeper. He was considering all she had to say with intense concentration.
‘‘We can’t change the past.” She let her hand slide down over his fingers and she gave them a gentle squeeze. “We can only do our best to make a satisfying future for ourselves and the people we love.” Pulling her hand away from him, she slid to the very edge of the seat. She wanted to be as close to him as possible when she expressed her final words.
“I’ve come to care a great deal about you and Sona,” she told him. “You might be angry about what I’m going to say, but what you just told me hasn’t changed my mind. I still feel you need a woman in your life.”
Before he could respond, she rushed on. “When I think about the scary moments you’ve had with Sona, like when she tumbled out of her crib… or the worrisome times, like when you took her to the doctor… and even the wonderful moments, like tonight when she spoke her first word of English, it makes me very sad to think that, once I leave here, you won’t have anyone you can share those things with.”
Meaning to emphasize her point, she pressed her cupped palm over his kn
ee and said, “You need to find someone. You deserve to have someone.”
He looked her full in the face, and she steeled herself for his anger.
But it didn’t come.
The seconds ticked by seemingly in slow motion. The expression on his face was unreadable. Was that indecision she saw in his dark gaze? Then she watched as his tongue glided out to moisten his lips. His jaw tightened in what looked to be sudden resolve.
Then he blurted out, “I don’t want just anyone— I want you.”
***
Why the hell hadn’t he held his tongue? Why had he let those words come spewing from his mouth?
Because he’d had no control over them, that’s why. In that one moment of weakness, he’d allowed his emotions to reveal themselves. And now he’d frightened Nicki away forever.
And frightened was exactly what she’d been when she fled from the porch.
First, she’d looked startled. Then, in a flash, fear had etched into every angle of her beautiful face. Her skin had suddenly stretched taut over her cheekbones. Her eyes had widened with what he could only describe as sheer and utter dread. Even her nostrils had flared with the fear he’d invoked in her.
And then she’d bolted.
If he’d only kept his mouth shut, he wouldn’t be sitting here. All alone. In the dark.
While explaining the death of his child to Nicki, he’d been plagued by emotions so dismal and daunting that he thought he just might fall into the huge bottomless pit of his memory, lost forever in the horror of it all. Like some sort of miracle worker, Nicki had tugged and pulled at him with her soft, comforting words until she’d dragged him free, back into the here and now.
What she’d said had made sense. Some events that happen can’t ever be forgotten… he never intended to forget his child. And some actions and behaviors, no matter how regretful they were, couldn’t be risen above, either. As Nicki said, these memories simply had to be lived with.
She had been correct, too, he decided, when she’d proclaimed that people are molded by their past. He was proud of the fact that Nicki thought his adopting Sona was an unselfish act. He hadn’t thought of it in that manner before. Maybe his past experiences had helped to shape him into a better person.
