Secret Society

by Miasha

  “Well, we’re gonna ride the bitch till the wheels fall off,” Tina said. “And if push comes to shove, we’ll go back to runnin’ G on niggas for a living.”

  “Now, that’s the Tina I know!” I said, getting all excited.

  “So are you coming or what?”

  There was a brief silence. I thought about Michael. I was really feeling him, and you could call it love, but I knew the reality of our situation and it was already in my mind that one day our relationship would have to end-one day soon.

  “All right,” I said.

  Tina screamed joyously on the other end of the phone. I was happy too, but I just needed time to take it all in.

  Tina and I made plans to bring the New Year in together one last time in Philly where it all began. I was expecting her in two weeks, and we had major plans. In the meantime I had a lot of preparing to do for my new life in L.A. I had to work on selling my house and my car. I had to do something with my furniture. But the most difficult thing I had to do was wrap things up with Michael. I kept trying to pipe myself up. The day would come sooner or later, I told myself. Even if I stayed in Philly, I would not have been able to maintain a relationship with him for but so long.

  “L.A.? For what?” Michael asked.

  “To be with Tina,” I said softly.

  “Tina’s married. She has her husband out there with her. What does she need you there for?”

  “You don’t understand,” I said.

  “Well, then, help me understand. I mean, I opened you a hair salon, which I thought was your dream come true, and now after only three months you’re ready to just up and abandon it. And what about us? Correct me if I’m wrong, Celess, but I thought we had something good going on.”

  “We did, we do, but it’s just that…” I took a deep breath. “I’m not all what I’m cracked up to be.” I sighed.

  Michael sat back on the couch and put his hands over his face. He shook his head and then looked at me, confused.

  “What are you talking about?” he asked.

  “Listen, Michael, I like you a lot. Honestly. I’ve been with a few dudes and none of them were anything like you. I mean, I don’t know how to say this, but I’m used to ballin’ dudes who fine as shit and can have any girl they want but still take care of me-”

  Michael cut me off. “So what are you saying? You’re some type of whore?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Yes!” I said, pissed.

  Michael was dumbfounded. I caught him off guard. He did not expect that answer.

  “What?”

  “I was a whore, okay? I fucked guys for money, cars, clothes, this house! Just like I fucked you for that hair salon!”

  Pop! Michael slapped me right across my face. I was stunned. I didn’t know whether to hit him back or just tell him to get the fuck out. My instincts told me to go with the latter.

  “Get the fuck out of my house,” I said, holding my stinging face.

  “I’m not going anywhere until you give me a fuckin’ explanation! I didn’t give you that salon for sex. I gave it to you because I actually cared enough about you to help you achieve your fuckin’ goal! You’re right, Celess, I’m nothing like the guys you’re used to dealing with. I’m not a trick. I don’t pay for sex. I was looking for a woman, a relationship, somebody I could share good things with, not some convenient pussy!”

  “Well, that’s just what I mean, Michael! I’m not that one! I’m not the girl you marry!” I shouted with tears streaming down my face.

  “I’m a slut whore with no fuckin’ morals or values or feelings! I’m a fuckup! Okay? I’m a fuckup!”

  Michael grabbed me and squeezed me in his arms. I started crying heavily, and as much as I should have, I couldn’t resist him. I had fallen deep for him. I wanted him more than I knew, but it was no way. It was not possible. I was a man. I could never have what a woman has and that’s what Michael wanted so desperately.

  “You’re not a fuckup. Maybe you just made some mistakes. Okay, I’m sorry. You’re sorry. Let’s work this out, okay?” Michael asked with cracks in his voice.

  He continued, “I was being selfish. When I go out of town on business for months at a time, you understand. I should have been the same way with you, I’m sorry. And I swear to God I am sorry for putting my hands on you. I should have never done that no matter what. No matter how mad you make me, I will never touch you again.”

  Michael held me in his arms and went on and on. I was still crying and even he started to shed some tears. He really was trying to make it work, and that made it worse for me because I knew it wouldn’t.

  “Celess, I want to be with you more than anything. I’ve been looking high and low for a woman like you, and now that I have you I’m not trying to let you go,” Michael said.

  “Michael,” I whimpered, “I’m moving to L.A. I made up my mind. And as bad as I want to be with you, I can’t. We’ll be too far away. It just wouldn’t work.”

  Michael stepped back and looked into my eyes. His face was damp from his tears. He held my arms down to my sides.

  “Look at me, Celess,” he said as he placed one of his hands on my chin and gently lifted my face, forcing me to look into his eyes.

  “I love you, Celess. I do. I will move to L.A. with you. I want to be with you, Celess, bad. And I won’t let you leave me,” he said seriously.

  I dropped my head and stared down at the floor. My heart was burning. I wanted to scream. I loved this man and he loved me, but despite that, we could never have the meaningful relationship that we both wanted. A million thoughts a minute were running through my mind. I kept hearing Tina’s voice saying, “Tell him, he might not mind, tell him.” I thought about it. Michael loved me so much that if I did tell him right here and now that I was really a man, gay or not, he probably would still want to be with me. But what if he didn’t? What if he snapped? But if he did snap, what was the worst he could do? Leave? That’s what I wanted, anyway, so I figured what the hell. I weighed my options. If I tell him and he stays, I’ll finally be free, I thought. I will be able to get out of the game for good. If I tell him and he leaves, I can get on that plane in two weeks and start a whole new life in L.A. It seemed like a winwin situation for me.

  “Michael, sit down,” I said.

  I remained standing while Michael sat back down on my couch. I looked at him and he looked at me. He loved me so much I could see it all on his face and it was scary.

  “Michael, I really love you. I could marry you today. You are everything I could ever ask for in a man. But I been keeping something from you that I can’t keep any longer. And I know that when I tell you, you’ll probably leave me alone forever. I know I might lose the only true love I ever had, but I have to tell you because I want to be fair with you and you really deserve better.”

  I took a deep breath and said, “I’m a…a…” I began to cry before I could get it out.

  “I’m a man,” I said finally.

  “What?”

  I stood there crying, waiting for his response. He stood up.

  “You’re a what? A man?”

  I burst into tears and reached out to grab Michael. He pushed my arms out of his way.

  “I don’t understand, Celess. What are you telling me?”

  “Michael, I was born a boy. Technically, I’m a man. I mean, I’m a woman on the inside, but I have male parts…” I was trying my best to explain.

  “Male parts? So you’re saying you have a…” Michael said, not able to complete his sentence.

  I nodded yes as I sobbed uncontrollably.

  “How could you do this to me, Celess? How could you lie to me about some shit like that? Are you crazy?”

  “Michael, I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry. It’s just that Tina and me, we’ve been doing this since we were teenagers. I really want to be a woman, I do. It’s like I was born in the wrong body. Everything about me is feminine. Look at me. I work hard at this. I’m a gay man. I don’t want to be, but it’s who I am. I really
wish I could snap my fingers and become a woman, but I can’t. I plan on getting the operation, but in time. It’s not something that you decide overnight,” I cried, trying my best to explain a complicated situation.

  Michael stood stiffly as he listened to me. He was taking it all in, every word.

  Then his face frowned up and he asked, “Are you saying I slept with a man?”

  “I’m sorry, Michael,” I whimpered.

  “Well, what the hell does that make me? A faggot?” he asked, not looking for an answer.

  I kept quiet as I held my hands over my face.

  “I can’t believe this shit! How?” Michael asked, still in shock.

  “Michael, I could have just left and went to L.A. without even telling you,” I said, trying to show him that I really did care about him.

  “What?” Michael shouted. “So you think you’re doing me a favor? You pretend to be a woman for four months, you use me, take my money, you make love to me. You made love to me, what was that, Celess? Huh? How did you make love to me?” Michael asked, looking to me for a response.

  “I don’t want to go into that right now, Michael, and that’s not important, anyway,” I told him, not wanting to add fuel to the fire.

  “Not important? Are you sick or something? Really, are you mentally ill? You tell me that you are a man with a dick, but how you made love to me is not important. Are you hearing yourself? IT IS IMPORTANT, CELESS!” he screamed.

  I could see rage in Michael’s eyes as he snatched his coat from off my love seat. He walked past me, disgusted. He did not look at me, but from what I could see, he was crying. On his way out, he picked up a glass vase that sat on a pedestal in the foyer and threw it at the wall. The slam of the door was the last thing I heard. I threw myself on my couch. I clenched my fists and started punching myself on my legs. I was crying uncontrollably. I was hurting.

  Tina got to my house three days after Christmas as planned, and for the entire two days that she’d been there, Michael was all I talked about.

  “It’s not the end of the world, Celess,” Tina said.

  “He hasn’t answered any of my calls. I left him message after message. He knows my flight leaves tomorrow and he still won’t talk to me.”

  “You are about to go to L.A. and start a whole new life. It’s about time you leave all of this drama behind, anyway,” Tina said as she helped me place my clothes in suitcases.

  “I just hate that it has to be this way. Why couldn’t he have been with it?” I was thinking aloud. Tears began to form.

  “Celess, when are you going to let go of the sensitive shit? Damn, you ain’t changed a bit,” Tina said. “Just be glad all you got was a smack and a broken vase. Shit, it could have been worse.”

  I sighed. “I know.”

  “Just cheer up. Tonight we’re gonna bring the New Year in right! Just like old times! We’re hittin’ up every club, every bar, and every party in the city! It’s gonna be on and poppin’!” Tina yelled.

  I wiped my eyes and smiled. I slapped Tina’s hand. I was trying to convince myself that everything was going to be okay, but deep down inside I knew it wasn’t.

  “That’s cute,” I told Tina, complimenting her on her fur coat.

  It was a sporty baby pink, blue, and white short rabbit with a baby pink ribbed collar and cuffs. She wore a pair of fitted low-rider Diesel jeans and a wife beater. To match her coat she had on a pair of baby pink Manolo Blahnik Tim boots. She looked fly.

  “Thank you,” Tina said as she whirled around, slowly modeling the coat. “That jacket is hot too,” she said, returning the compliment.

  I was in a short black leather Harley-Davidson coat with a fox collar, a pair of Seven jeans, and a red big-neck sheer sweater. I had on some red pointy-toe Prada stilettos and a matching oversized bag. We both looked sporty but fly.

  Tina was in the powder room putting on her final touches, eyelashes, and makeup. I was in the living room moving my luggage to the foyer. Our flight was scheduled to depart from Philadelphia at ten-twenty in the morning, so I wanted to have everything ready and by the door. Especially since we knew we were going to get home drunk as skunks and have no time or balance to do anything in the morning. We already had a town car scheduled to pick us up from my house at eight o’clock and everything.

  “I’m ready, you ready?” Tina asked, exiting the powder room.

  “Yeah, let me just get my keys and we out,” I said, grabbing for the small Gucci key ring that bonded my keys.

  Ding-dong!

  Tina and I both looked at each other, confused.

  “Who are you expecting?” Tina asked.

  “Nobody,” I said, just as bewildered as she.

  “Who is it?” I asked too lazy to look through the peephole.

  “It’s me, man, open the door.” The masculine voice sounded agitated.

  I cracked open the door. “Khalil?”

  “Celess, where Tina?”

  “What are you doing here?” I asked, surprised.

  Khalil made his way through my front door. Tina was standing right behind me in the foyer.

  “Tina, let me holla at you real quick, over here,” Khalil said as he walked into my living room.

  Tina looked back at me with a confused expression on her face. I closed the front door and we followed him into the living room.

  “Yo, Celess, can I have a minute with Tina, please?” Khalil asked. “I know yall all dressed and ready to hit the streets, but I need a minute.”

  I didn’t know about Tina, but I was nervous. Tina gave me a look that told me to wait in the foyer. So I did. But I listened closely to what they were saying.

  “When did you get out?” Tina asked curiously.

  “Never mind all that. I’m out, that’s all that matters,” Khalil said.

  Tina got to the point. “Okay, well, what’s the surprise visit for? I mean, you pop up here at Celess’s house after, what, a fuckin’ year, and you’re coming at me sideways, for what?”

  “First of all, lower your fuckin’ voice. Second of all, I went past your house and your grandmom told me you was staying with Celess, so that’s why I came here to Celess’s house.”

  “Okay, so now that you found me here, what’s up?”

  “You know what the fuck is up. James wrote me a long letter-now you tell me what the fuck is up,” Khalil said.

  I went back into the living room because at that point I knew exactly what Khalil was there for.

  “Matter fact, why don’t both of yall tell me what the fuck is up,” Khalil said.

  “Listen, neither of us has time for this shit right now. I’m sure you have a lot of people you want to see, being as though you just got released from prison and everything,” Tina said sarcastically.

  “Naw, I got plenty of time. And I got released almost two months ago, so I made all my visits. Matter fact, I went to see James play in L.A. a couple weeks ago, and it was funny ’cause he told me he seen you, and I was looking for you but I couldn’t catch up with you, but I knew I would eventually catch up with you. I made it my business to catch up with you.”

  Tina rolled her eyes and looked at me. I was standing there contemplating how we should handle the situation. I was ready to go for the phone, but Tina gave me a hint that she had everything under control.

  “I don’t know what yall lookin’ so lost for, yall home,” Khalil said as he stood up from the sofa.

  I took a deep breath. “Khalil, this isn’t the time or the place,” I said.

  “You need to shut the fuck up!” Khalil snapped.

  “Don’t even involve her!” Tina said in my defense.

  “I didn’t involve her, she involved me! Both of yall bitches involved me!”

  Tina started to walk away from Khalil toward the front door. I followed her lead.

  “Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” Khalil asked as he pushed past me and grabbed Tina’s arm.

  Tina was scared, I could tell, but she played cool.
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  “Just tell me one thing, Tina,” Khalil began.

  “What’s that?” Tina asked, with tears in her eyes and a smile on her face.

  “Is what James told me true?”

  Tina rolled her eyes and said, “Celess, go wait for me in the car. I’m only gonna be a minute.”

  “I’m waiting in here,” I insisted. Regardless how scared I was, and how bad I would have loved to have waited in the car. I wasn’t about to leave Tina in there with Khalil by herself.

  “You damn right you’re waiting in here,” Khalil said as he grabbed my arm with his free hand.

  I swung on him and yanked away from him. Tina took advantage of the opportunity and yanked away from him too. We both dashed for the door and then we heard a loud pop. Tina fell down on my living room floor. I turned around, and Khalil was pointing a gun at me.

  “Tina!” I screamed, startled and frozen.

  Tina rolled onto her back. She was bleeding from a small hole in the back of her leg.

  “Leave Celess out of this. This is between me and you,” she said with tears streaming down her face. That was the first time I actually seen Tina cry.

  “You know what, bitch, you fucked with the wrong one! I’m gonna kill you right in front of ya little boyfriend, and then I’m gonna kill him! You played the wrong card this time! You fucked with the wrong one!”

  POP! POP!

  “TINA! TINA!” I screamed at the top of my lungs. I dropped to the floor and placed my hands over Tina’s drooped head, trying to comfort her. My hands were immediately drenched with Tina’s blood. I was shaking uncontrollably. I looked up at Khalil one last time.

  POP!

  My head fell up against the wall. My body was lifeless. My mind went blank.

  I woke up to silence. My face felt heavy. I could only seethe ceiling. I lifted my arms and felt my face. It was covered with bandages. I panicked. I opened my mouth to speak, but only a whisper came out.

  A nurse appeared. “Hi, there,” she said in a soft tone. She was smiling. “My name is Nurse Schwartz. I’m going to be taking care of you.”

  “What the fuck are you smiling about? Where am I? What is all this shit on my face? Where is Tina?”