Inked Hearts

by Lindsay Detwiler

  As I drift off to a different version of dreamland that night, I think about how fortunate I am to be able to be so confident in my forever.

  ***

  Staring at the ceiling, Henry snoring on the bed beside me, I mindlessly shove my hair out of my face as my mind comes out of its memories. In some ways, the red dress anniversary, as I remember it, seems like yesterday.

  In other ways, though, I don’t even know who that woman is. Fine wine, the fancy restaurant… at the time, it seemed like a dream. In many ways, it was.

  But now that memory, that dream, is tainted by the truth. That night, I thought we’d mastered marriage. I thought we were untouchable. Now, I realize how naïve I was to think an expensive dinner and a few rounds of sex could solidify forever. I feel idiotic to think I was so easily appeased and reassured.

  I was a fool who thought being the woman on his arm was the best place to be.

  I groan as I sit up, exhaustion from working the late shift settling into my bones, and mental weariness from thinking about today’s significance burning in my head.

  August 27.

  Today would have been our seven-year anniversary.

  When I flipped the month on our cat calendar, the date jumped out at me like a flashing warning sign. I didn’t want to see it or even acknowledge it. I tried to tell myself it didn’t matter anymore.

  But it does matter. It will always matter.

  It’s not that I miss him. It’s not that I wish things had worked out differently, necessarily. There’s so much about my life now that I’m thankful for, especially Jesse.

  Still, the day I vowed forever to a man I wanted to spend it with is a big day—even if that forever only lasted a limited amount of time.

  I just feel—shitty. Slouchy. Down.

  I could go work on one of the two murals I’ve been hired for. I could go to the beach for the day—Jodie and Jesse are both working. I could go visit them at work or go shopping. There are a million things I could do.

  But none of it seems fitting. So, after letting Henry out for his morning pee, I grab myself a cup of coffee, park myself on the couch, and drown myself in binging on Teen Mom and forgetting about my own dysfunctional life for a while.

  ***

  “Uh-oh. What’s wrong?” Jodie says six hours later when she bursts through the door and flings her keys on the coffee table.

  I’m still huddled in the same position on the couch, Henry and Sebastian both snuggled against me. I got up once to pee and once for another cup of coffee. Other than that, I’ve spent the day watching drama unfold on TV.

  I look up, self-consciously running a hand through my semigreasy hair. “Nothing. Just relaxing.”

  Jodie eyes the television, raises an eyebrow, and then grabs the remote, flicking off the show. She sits in the chair near the couch. “Spill. What’s wrong? I get needing a day of relaxation, but when you start bingeing on Teen Mom so much that I think you’re stuck in the sofa, something is wrong.”

  I readjust myself as if to prove to Jodie, and myself, I’m not actually stuck in the sofa. Sighing, I start fiddling with my nail polish, methodically picking at a chip in the mint green color.

  “It’s today. The date. It’s my wedding anniversary. Or, well, it was.”

  Silence. No words come from Jodie. No judgements or questions. I look up, and she nods.

  I feel the need to continue. “I know it shouldn’t matter. It’s not like I still love him, and I have this great thing with Jesse. I have a new life. But, I don’t know, I guess it’s just kind of a slap in the face. The fact that I really thought love could last forever. I feel like a fool. And I feel more like a fool for sitting here sulking. I just—”

  Jodie puts up a hand to quiet me. “You don’t have to explain. I get it. I mean, I’ve never been married, so I can’t get it too much. But I do see where you’re coming from. You thought you had forever. You didn’t. And even though you know now there’s a life past that broken forever, I’m sure it still hurts. It’s still scary how wrong you were. And spending six years with a man and then breaking up can’t be easy. I know you say you don’t love him, but I think there will always be a part of you that will mourn him. How could you not?”

  I smile, grateful that this amazing roommate and friend gets me.

  “Now, we need a plan. We need to ditch this place and stop sulking. I am not spending the entire evening watching Teen Mom. Although I must admit, the show is pretty juicy.”

  I raise an eyebrow. “I don’t picture you as the Teen Mom binger.”

  She shrugs. “We all have our secrets. Anyway, go wash that hair of yours. I’m going to get a quick snack and check in with my agent. Then, we’re going out.”

  “Jodie, I really don’t feel like clubbing.”

  “Relax. What, do you think I’m so one-dimensional that going out only means partying?”

  I give her a look.

  “Okay, fine. But listen, tonight, no partying. No men. No alcohol. Wow, on second thought, this is sounding like a bummer. Anyway, we’re going out, doing the whole tourist thing. Girls’ night on the boardwalk. We’ll play some stupid, rigged carnival games and eat enough funnel cake to make us puke. What do you say?”

  I smile. “Sounds perfect.”

  Energy from Jodie spreading to me, I pull myself from the sofa. Sebastian and Henry quickly fill in my space as I head to the shower, ready to rinse off the regrets, the date, and the feeling that still lingers from a love that no longer is.

  ***

  “I can’t believe you got into a fight with that guy,” I say, laughing hysterically as I carry a stuffed panda in one hand and a funnel cake in the other. Jodie’s hands are loaded down with two huge lemonades. We meander to the side of the boardwalk and find a bench. I set the panda between us.

  “Well, the sign clearly said you got a level-two prize. He was just trying to rip us off. Hot or not, no one is ripping me off.”

  “And what are we going to do with this huge panda anyway?”

  “Maybe Henry will like it,” Jodie says as she rips into the funnel cake. She drops a piece back on the plate. “Damn, that’s hot.”

  We sit for a moment, seagulls flocking around us hoping for a rogue piece of funnel cake to drop. The sun is fading into the horizon. We watch a few leftover beachgoers play in the surf as the salty air whips into our faces. I take a deep breath, feeling at peace.

  “This was fun,” I say. We’d spent the afternoon and early evening hours playing carnival games, going in silly souvenir shops, and watching a boardwalk magician. We’d giggled like two teenagers on spring break, winding through the crowds as we talked way too loud and ate way too many greasy foods.

  “It was. I haven’t been down here for a while. We should do this more often. Although, I feel like the carnival games would be more fun if we went drinking first.”

  “I think Reed and Lysander would agree with that statement, for sure. In all seriousness, though, thank you, Jodie. This was just what I needed.”

  She rips back into the funnel cake, deciding either it’s cool enough or it’s worth the risk of scalding her mouth. I follow suit, washing down a huge piece with the lemonade.

  “No thank-yous. But I agree. This was what you needed. This can be our yearly tradition, what do you think?”

  Looking out at the waves, I smile to myself. Yearly tradition. I have a yearly tradition here. It’s hard to believe a few months ago, I wasn’t sure if this would work out. Now, I can’t imagine it not working out.

  It’s only been a few months and I’m still figuring so much out. But sitting on this bench with Jodie and a huge stuffed animal, I realize I’m home. This is where I’m meant to be.

  We finish the funnel cake and talk about the latest episode of Jane the Virgin, our favorite show. Afterward, Jodie convinces me to go to the Ripley’s Believe It Or Not! where we get lost in a mirror maze and stare at replicas of the world’s marvels. When we emerge from the recesses of the boardwalk museum, it�
�s dark out. The sky is alight with perfect stars, although they’re murky because of all the neon lights on the boardwalk.

  “You hungry?” Jodie asks.

  “Not really. The funnel cake was a lot.”

  “Well, get hungry. You’ve got an ice-cream date,” she says.

  “What?”

  “Yep. I’m dropping you off at the Dairy Queen on Ninth. Jesse’s waiting for you.”

  “I thought this was girls’ night,” I say, confusion on my face.

  “It was. But I texted Jesse to meet you there. We had our fun, but now you need a reminder of why today’s date eventually won’t matter. That marriage, Chris, it was all just a road bump to your real forever.”

  It’s an uncharacteristically serious moment from Jodie. I want to argue, to say that Jesse and I aren’t that serious. I want to be mad that Jodie is yet again meddling behind my back. But I’m not.

  I just smile, walking toward Ninth with a lot more enthusiasm and an appreciation for a roommate who always knows just what I need.

  “I love you,” I say to Jodie, and she nudges me with her shoulder. She takes the panda from me.

  “Love you back. Now get your ass moving. There’s a hottie waiting to buy you ice cream. I’d be running.”

  “Why don’t you come too?”

  “And be a third wheel, watching you two make googly eyes at each other? I’m okay. Me and Mr. Panda here will make our way back to the apartment.”

  I raise an eyebrow. “You’re going to get caught up on Teen Mom, aren’t you?”

  “Of course not,” Jodie says, but the grin on her face gives her away. “I’ve got work to do.”

  “If you say so.”

  I have a suspicion that whenever I wind up back at home tonight, Jodie will have filled in the space I occupied all morning.

  ***

  “See you later,” Jodie says as we get to Dairy Queen and spot Jesse sitting on a bench. He’s wearing jeans and a Game of Thrones T-shirt, sprawled out on the bench by himself. When he sees me, he jumps to his feet.

  “Hey,” I say, heading into his arms. He kisses me, and I realize this is exactly what I needed all day. With the touch of lips, any lingering feelings of sadness melt away.

  “Get a room, you two,” Jodie yells from a few feet up the boardwalk. I look at her and laugh, some bystanders giving her a questioning glance. She vanishes into the throngs of people, heading back to our apartment.

  “Let’s get some ice cream,” Jesse says, leading me to the counter.

  We order two of the biggest brownie sundaes they have and fight through the crowd to sit on a bench facing the ocean.

  “Missed you today,” Jesse says. I’d texted him in the early afternoon to tell him I was going out with Jodie. I hadn’t told him why, of course.

  “Missed you, too.”

  “Sounds like you two had fun, though. Jodie’s such a trip.”

  “She is.”

  I don’t know if the tension between us is in my imagination or if he can feel it, too. I know it’s stemming from me, from the day, and from my questioning of whether or not to be open with Jesse.

  “Are you okay?” he asks. Tension is clearly palpable from his stance, too.

  I take a bite of my sundae, chewing slowly, savoring every bite. “I am now. But I wasn’t.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  I take a breath. “Today. It’s my wedding date.” I look up at the green eyes I’ve come to trust. I see empathy.

  “I’m sorry,” he says.

  “There’s nothing to be sorry about. It is what it is.”

  “Can’t be easy though.”

  “No. And I hate that it isn’t. Because I’m so damn happy. Why is today getting to me so much?”

  Tears start to well. A few hours on the boardwalk may have made me feel better, but the hurt is still there, resting out of sight.

  Jesse puts his sundae down and takes mine from me. He puts it down as well, taking both my hands in his. His thumb rubs the back of my hand, and I feel the tension slip away.

  “Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself. Of course today isn’t going to be easy. You were married to the man for years. You loved him. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through. So don’t hold back. Feel what you need to feel.”

  “I don’t want you thinking I’m not happy with you.”

  “I wouldn’t think that. Look, neither of us have clean slates when it comes to love. We’ve both been scarred by the past in one way or another. Those scars are going to ache from time to time. That doesn’t take away from what we have, or lessen it. I think it makes it stronger. Because despite those burns we have, we’ve managed to find this out of the ashes. We’ve both been hurt, but what we have is strong enough to make us want to push past the hurt and try again. That doesn’t mean the past is erased. That doesn’t mean our love can make all that pain go away. It means, though, that we can be there for each other and help each other through it. Avery, I love you. Scars and all. Sadness and all. Let me be here for you.”

  Tears are now flowing, but not from regret or sadness about what I’ve lost. Tears are falling because of the beauty of the man before me, because of the beauty of a relationship I swore I wouldn’t be in.

  I don’t know if forever is possible. Chris engulfed that view with the flames of his passion for another. Still, staring at Jesse, I think that if forever is possible, it would be most possible with him.

  “I love you, too,” I whisper into the beachy wind. I rest my head on his shoulder, abandoning our sundaes as we rest in the knowledge of who we are together and a common need to let go of the past.

  We sit for a long time, taking in the scene, our beating hearts the only connection between us. We don’t have to talk. We can just be.

  That’s what I love most about us. There’s no pressure or superficiality. Together, we are. That’s all there is to it.

  When we finally make it back to Jesse’s apartment, our kisses aren’t filled with the fiery passion they usually are. Instead, they’re slow and delicate, as if we’re dancing a carefully orchestrated ballet. He carefully peels off my tank top, and I pull his T-shirt over his head. We make love as if we’re in no hurry, because really, we’re not.

  Drifting off to sleep in Jesse’s arms, I smile to myself. Life has changed so much in just a year, and it isn’t how I imagined it.

  With his tattooed arms around me, though, I feel like maybe sometimes life takes us places we could’ve never dreamed for ourselves because we weren’t yet privy to the truth our soul needed.

  ***

  The next morning, Jesse walks me to my apartment before his first appointment. I don’t have work until later in the afternoon, but I figure I should go home and spend some time with Jodie. On our walk, I happen to look at my phone for the first time since Dairy Queen.

  I have six missed calls from Jodie. My heart leaps in my chest. I hope something isn’t wrong.

  “Shit, something must be wrong. Jodie called six times last night.”

  We’re rounding the bend toward the apartment.

  “We’re almost to your apartment. You may as well see what she needs in person,” Jesse says, panic clearly registering in his voice.

  As we hurriedly approach our apartment, I fumble with my bag to find my keys. We get to the door, and Jesse follows me in.

  “Jodie? Is everything okay? I just got all your ca—” I stop midword because the sight before me is truly horrifying, perhaps worse than I could have imagined.

  I now understand why Jodie was so frantic to get hold of me. If only I had picked up the phone.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  “Avery. Are you just getting in? And who’s this? And wow, you’ve changed your hair. It’s… well, it’s certainly different.”

  My mom rises from the sofa as I stand at the door, Jesse at my side. I peer from my mom to my dad, who is still seated on the recliner, to Jodie, who is getting coffee in the kitchen with a look of sheer regret on her face. She mouths
, “I tried to warn you.”

  So this is what was so urgent.

  “Mom, when did you guys get in? I didn’t know you were coming.” My heart flutters as I ignore her questions, trying to get my bearings. I see my dad eyeing Jesse suspiciously, his glance obviously landing on Jesse’s visible tattoos.

  This is not how I imagined Jesse meeting my parents. This is not how I imagined my parents meeting Jesse—their daughter flying into her apartment at seven in the morning on the day after her wedding anniversary date. Hopefully Mom is so caught up on my new hairstyle that she doesn’t take time to realize it’s definitely sex hair.

  “Last night. We wanted to surprise you. We thought it would be a rough day for you. Obviously, it wasn’t too rough.” Mom smells of the expensive perfume from the department store. She’s wearing a dress that probably cost more than our monthly rent. She looks at me with the disapproving eye I’ve seen so many times before.

  “Sorry I wasn’t here. We were out.”

  Jesse steps forward, extending a hand to my mother. “Hi, Mrs. Johannas. I’m Jesse Pearce. Nice to meet you.”

  Mom shakes his hand silently, her condescending look certainly not just in my imagination. Dad finally gets to his feet and also shakes Jesse’s hand.

  “So, are you staying close by?” I ask, trying to figure out how to best handle the situation. I certainly hope they didn’t stay here last night. Poor Jodie. I owe her fifteen rounds of drinks.

  “Yes. After your dear friend informed us of where you were and we realized you weren’t coming home last night, we checked into our hotel down the street. We came back this morning hoping you’d be home.”

  I feel my face blush. I’m an adult. I shouldn’t have to defend myself to my parents. It’s still just a little awkward, and not what I had in mind for their first trip down here.

  “How about we go get some breakfast?” Jodie joyfully suggests, probably sensing the tension. “We can all get to know each other.”

  “I am hungry,” Dad says.

  “Midsummer Nights sound good? I’m sure Lysander will let us in early, and Georgina would be glad to make some breakfast. Then your parents can see where you work.”