[In Distress 02.0] In Pain

by Caethes Faron

  Some statement would need to be made. If nothing else, Panacea’s management would need to be notified so they’d be understanding during this adjustment period as Will tried to figure out how to keep things running without her. He’d draft a memo to be sent to management. It’d have to be worded in such a way as to make it seem like more of an operational memo than an obituary to be on the safe side. The Betas who worked for Panacea were loyal and, as far as Will knew, wouldn’t let it get out that Malcolm had any feelings for Kaleana. But now, more than ever, they needed to exercise caution. They’d all read between the lines anyway.

  Will pulled up a new, blank message and stared at the blinking cursor. Every time he started to write something, he heard Kaleana’s scream, felt the cold metal around his neck, felt the tugging of the sensor being inserted and the collar secured. His heart sped as it had in that moment, his chest constricting with fear. The perspiration beaded on his forehead despite the coolness of the room. Panic overtook him. Malcolm needed to hold still, otherwise Will would die if the collar was triggered. But it was Kaleana who was dead. Malcolm hadn’t been there to hold her. It could have been him. It should have been him. He was the cripple, and she was perfect.

  Will stood, gulping in deep breaths of air. He needed to get this done. Somehow he had to be capable of drafting a memo without devolving into memories and hysterics. Concentrating on the Glass Screen of his computer, he slowed his breathing until his heart seemed convinced there was no danger. He resumed his seat and tried again. In order to keep from losing himself to the memory, he kept his language and tone sterile. It wasn’t eloquent, but Will couldn’t worry about it.

  After he sent the message, Will considered finding Malcolm. All of this work had only served to remind him of Kaleana. She had managed Panacea while Will and Malcolm worked for the Movement. He’d have to take on her responsibilities for now. After some time, he’d be able to pass some of them off, but not yet.

  A notification blinked on his desk. A reminder of the work he’d set for himself to do on the archive today. The work was time consuming and would keep his mind occupied, just the thing he needed right now. He opened the program and a file from Walken’s hack and got to work.

  * * *

  A knock on the door startled Will. He minimized the archive and the files from Walken’s hack. “Come in.”

  “So this is where you got off to. It’s almost time for lunch.” Carson closed the door behind him and stood in front of it. No one but Will knew that Malcolm was the leader of the movement, but they all knew that Malcolm was an operative, and Will assisted him, dealing with more sensitive information than everyone else. Carson wouldn’t want to intrude.

  The time had gotten away from Will. Already his mind longed to submerge itself back into the work where no feelings or concerns could follow. He shut down the computer, standing as the screen folded into the desk.

  Carson waved his hand. “We’ve got some time. Why don’t you sit down and tell me what makes you think you can handle runnin’ this entire place without any help?” He rolled Malcolm’s chair over and plopped onto it, giving Will an expectant look.

  “Who said I thought that?” It might be true, but hearing it from Carson’s lips made it sound ridiculous. Will took his seat and leaned back. He’d only been working for half a day, but an unnatural fatigue seeped through his bones. Even though there was no reason to hide it from Carson, he still held in the yawn that threatened to escape and forced his body to not fully melt into the chair. “There were just a few urgent items I had to take care of. I needed to check in with the movement, update them on the collars. I got lucky and they responded quickly. The transmitter’s turned on.”

  Carson whistled. “Just like that? Does it feel any different?”

  “No, it works perfectly.” Will shrugged his shoulders.

  “Wow. I never thought…” Carson shook his head. “Why didn’t you tell us? We could use a bit of good news right about now.”

  The thought hadn’t even crossed his mind, but it should have. “I had to notify Panacea of Kaleana’s death so they understand why there may be some bumps right now. Since I was already up here, I figured I’d get some other work done as well. It’s not like there’s a shortage of it.”

  Carson reached over and patted Will on the knee. “I should have offered to help sooner, but you also should have asked.”

  “I didn’t want to bother anyone with it.”

  “You’ve never been a bother since the first day you got here. We’re your family. We look out for each other. That includes lookin’ out for you. Now, after lunch we’re going to go over the business, and you’re going to pass it all off to me. There’s nothin’ you need to be doin’.”

  “I can’t—“

  Carson held his hand up. “Before you get to sayin’ somethin’ to the contrary, I’m just sayin’ that you need to let me handle Panacea. I fully expect you’ll still be workin’ for the movement. That should be your focus. Between that, the family, and yourself, there’s no room for Panacea.”

  It would be a relief to not have to worry about anything other than the movement. With how quickly things were moving, it would take up even more of his time. “Thanks. There’s not much to go over. You already handle so much of the business. I’ll forward you any messages from Kaleana’s work inbox.”

  “See that you do. Don’t think I’ll forget. Anythin’ related to Panacea, I’ll handle from now on. Now, let’s go deliver the good news about the collar around the lunch table.”

  Walking with Carson to the kitchen, Will already felt his burden lighten. He’d been through hard times in his past, but he wasn’t alone anymore, and Malcolm wasn’t the only one who cared about him. In fact, the Zeds in this house had become his family before Malcolm had. He’d rely on their strength.

  Chapter Fourteen

  Bright sunlight poured in through the loft windows and skylight. Just another beautiful day like so many Malcolm had enjoyed with his family of Zeds in New Cali. His sweaty head rested on Will’s shoulder, their naked legs entwined. Malcolm’s arm encircled Will’s waist, holding him so tight he was grateful Will didn’t protest. After lunch, it hadn’t taken long for them to make it to the loft and shed their clothes. Malcolm’s entire being felt raw and vulnerable. Making love to Will was the only salve that had ever soothed him in such times. That and pain, but he wouldn’t ask Will for that now, not until he knew his feet were firmly planted on a healthy road to recovery from Kaleana’s death. He wouldn’t let his grief become the self-destructive force it had been in the past.

  “I love you.” Will toyed with Malcolm’s hair as he spoke.

  “I know.” He couldn’t say the words back to him, not at this moment when they felt like a death sentence. If the pattern of Malcolm’s life held, Will would be the next to die.

  “And I know you love me too, even though you won’t say it. It amazes me that your love is the best thing that’s ever happened to me, yet you see it so differently.”

  He should have known that Will would see through him. “It was my fault. She was my responsibility.”

  “There’s nothing you could have done.”

  “I could have been with her.” Malcolm immediately regretted the words because that would have meant leaving Will alone with a Geneticist, something he could never do.

  “I wish you were with her too, but it wouldn’t have changed anything.”

  “She would have known I cared.”

  “She knew, Malcolm. Kaleana was the smartest of all of us. Do you really think she didn’t know?”

  Not when he was honest with himself, but honest, rational thought didn’t appeal to his grief-stricken mind. “No, but that doesn’t make me feel any better.”

  “She’s the one who urged you to stay with me.”

  “Only so she wouldn’t have to hear me choose you.”

  “No.” Will’s fierce voice echoed the tight squeeze he gave Malcolm’s shoulders. “She knew you cared and wanted
you to know it was all right for you to stay with me. If she had thought the decision was easy for you to make, she would have stayed silent. She didn’t need the security of your presence the way I did.”

  “I just keep replaying it in my head, that last moment I saw her alive.”

  “Yes, and she wasn’t scared. She was happy.”

  Malcolm saw the smile she had given them over her shoulder before the door had shut behind her. She had been happy. That was her default state, such a contrast to him. She’d been his ray of sunshine for so long. Life felt cold without her presence. Even in Will’s embrace, he felt the chill of her absence, as if he’d never feel that level of warmth again. “But that scream.”

  Will had no answer. Malcolm didn’t doubt that Will could hear it just as vividly as he did. The silence grew between them because no words could erase that sound. He had never heard such pain in her voice before. He tried to conjure up a memory of her voice, of the countless times she’d counseled him. She would know what to do. But only her scream remained.

  “What were the dreams like?” Even whispered, Will’s words sounded loud after such a long bout of silence.

  Malcolm had hoped Will hadn’t noticed his fitful sleep. “They started out as Billy, similar to ones I’ve had in the past, but then Billy morphed into Kaleana. I thought I was done treading this path.”

  “Can’t you take comfort in the Spark? Don’t you believe there’s something else out there after this?”

  Malcolm hadn’t expected that question from Will. It had never even occurred to him. “No. I don’t hold those beliefs. What made you think I did?” He lifted himself up from Will’s chest and rested on his elbow as he peered down at his partner.

  “I don’t know. We’ve never really talked about it. I know that there are similarities between religion and the Spark of Life Movement.”

  “Not really. Any similarities are small. It’s not meant to be religion, although some people gravitate toward it because they think that’s what it is. The fanatics tend to skew more toward the religious. At its core, the Spark of Life isn’t the antithesis of science. Rather, it is the belief that where science has yet to find answers, our natural state is to keep living our lives in good faith until answers are found. Scientific progress comes from observation, not manipulation. Belief in the Spark of Life isn’t a belief in some supernatural being who created life, it’s a belief that we don’t yet know, that there are mysteries that we have not yet solved. The Spark is that great unknown. Above all, it’s the belief that morality should not be sacrificed on the altar of science. We can progress without sacrificing our humanity.”

  “There’s no allure in religion for you? The promise that you’ll be reunited with your loved ones?”

  “I don’t believe there’s anything waiting for Kaleana. I don’t believe I’ll ever see her again. She’s dead. While it may be nice to indulge in the thought that she’s looking over us every once in a while, it’s not good to live your life thinking there’s something more out there. We have one chance, Will, one opportunity to live and make the best of it. The most insidious thing religion did, the thing that led most directly to the Great Destruction, was perpetuate the belief that this life is just a stepping stone to something greater. It made people crave death more than they valued life.”

  “How do you know all of this? I’ve never heard much about the Great Destruction.”

  “I haven’t either. To be honest, I don’t even know if the Geneticists know the specifics of the Great Destruction at this point, only that the radiation that destroyed most of Earth almost exterminated us. Science isn’t evil, we just have evil men at the helm right now who pursue power rather than truth.”

  “Seems even more of a reason to want to believe something more.”

  “I won’t romanticize her death. She died for a corrupt system that had victimized her for her entire life. I won’t abdicate responsibility for her death by buying into a lie that I’ll be able to apologize to her someday.”

  “You may not be able to apologize to her, but you have the power to change the system.”

  Malcolm resumed his position on Will’s shoulder. “You’re still young, Will. I remember when I was your age, I thought the same way. All these years later, I’m learning that it’s not always possible to change things. Everything we do is just a small step, and all it takes is one hit from the Geneticists to set us back years, even generations.”

  “You can’t really believe that.” Will dislodged Malcolm as he sat up. He leaned against the wall and gestured toward Malcolm. “You are our leader.”

  “I know, Will. Since the day I left home, I’ve been working for the movement. I’m not a fool. Someone like me, born with two differently colored eyes, who is only interested in men, who derives sexual pleasure from pain, I can’t be genetically superior to those who actually want to propagate our species.”

  “There’s nothing odd about being attracted to men.”

  “I know, but if the system is what the Geneticists says it is, why was the wealth and prestige of an Alpha wasted on someone who would never naturally pass along their genetic material? The justification has always been that Alphas are our best chance at restoring the human genome, so they are given all the advantages.”

  “And I don’t think being a masochist makes you inferior.”

  Malcolm wasn’t as sure on that one. “Still, I’m a freak, Will. I should have never been classified as an Alpha. And why do you think the Geneticists have never compelled me to donate sperm to an Alpha woman if I’m not going mate with one? It’s because they know. They don’t want me passing along my genetics.”

  “We both know the system is corrupt. That’s why we need to fight it. The system killed Kaleana. She shouldn’t have had that collar around her neck. No one should.”

  “I know. I wish I had been able to dismantle the system before it killed her. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned in all my years fighting for the movement, it’s that change comes slowly. I remember what it’s like to be young and have the conviction that you can change the world. It’s even more impressive a trait in you given that you weren’t raised to believe the world was yours for the taking. But the reality is that all I can hope for is that the world is better when I die than it was when I was born. I’m here to pave the way for future generations. I’ll work the rest of my life toward eliminating the caste system, but I don’t pretend that I’m invincible. It’s been proved to me too many times that I’m not all-powerful.”

  “I don’t believe that. That’s not what I’m working for. I’m working to get this collar off of my neck for good.”

  “I know, and I admire you for it. When I hear you speak about it or see you working, I believe you can do it. But I can’t afford to think that way. We tried to move too fast and look what happened. Kaleana’s dead. We should have approached this more slowly. I made the mistake of thinking I could destroy the Geneticists, and it resulted in them destroying the most important woman in my life. I can’t put the entire movement at risk the way I did Kaleana by rushing in.”

  “That’s bullshit. If Kaleana were here, she’d tell you the same thing. She’s dead because of the system, period. It has nothing to do with the speed of the movement. This is proof that we need to move faster. This is happening, Malcolm. We’re going to get this done. And when the day comes that I can take this collar off for good, it’s not going to make me feel any better about Kaleana dying, but at least I’ll know that no one else is going to die the same way, and that’ll have to be enough.”

  Perhaps Kaleana would say the same thing, but Malcolm would never know because she wasn’t here. Maybe it was selfish of him, but he wanted her back more than he wanted anything. All he cared about was his family. If he couldn’t protect them, then what was the point? But the sight of Will, flushed with the passion of his speech, lit a flame of hope inside Malcolm. He couldn’t yet believe that he could affect the kind of change the world needed. However, he couldn’
t help but believe in Will.

  “You’re right. You usually are, but I’m not in the same place you are. This changed things. If I failed to protect Kaleana from the system, I can’t believe I’m capable of protecting anyone from it, and that scares me, especially where you’re concerned.”

  “I know. No one’s expecting you to get over her death as if nothing happened. I haven’t even been alive for as long as you knew Kaleana. I can’t imagine what it must be like for you. It hurts me that I can’t help you more.”

  “You help me plenty. If it weren’t for you in my life, I would have despaired of ever being able to function again without her. But you need to take your own advice. You can’t take on all of her workload. You can’t keep working as if the first woman who ever treated you like a human being hasn’t just died. I need you, Will, desperately, but you need me too, and you need to be willing to accept help.”

  “I’ll be fine. As long as we keep talking to each other, we’ll both be fine. Or at least some new version of fine.”

  Malcolm hoped so.

  * * *

  That night in bed, alone with his thoughts after Will had succumbed to sleep, the need welled up inside of him, as he knew it would. It always did. He wanted to lose himself in the pain. It seemed to be the only thing that could help ease him past this stage of his grief. However, he knew better than to ask Will for any kind of beating. Will would see through him, and he had already told Malcolm that he would never deliver a punishing beating again. During the day he had stayed strong, but his strength was spent. Malcolm didn’t know why he needed the pain, only that he did. Yes, he did yearn for some form of physical atonement, but it was more than that. It didn’t feel as self-destructive as before.