Letters to an Incarcerated Brother: Encouragement, Hope, and Healing for Inmates and Their Loved Ones

by Hill Harper

  It seems like you’ve got a voice invading your thoughts, too. Even in the Black church, there is still so much stigma about mental health and depression. “Fellas shouldn’t get down . . . that’s some pussy shit. . . .” And I understand that you can’t reveal too much to your cellmate or dudes on your cell block. But is it wrong for you to be down and feel sad sometimes? No, it isn’t. We all get the blues. It doesn’t matter how much money you have or don’t have, how good your job is, or whether you are currently a free man or incarcerated. You are allowed to be sad sometimes, because sadness is a part of our journey—but only a part of it.

  My former classmate President Barack Obama said it best: “It doesn’t mean that you can’t get down sometimes. Everybody does. But always remember that being defeated is a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.” So, you and I need to make a pact. Number one, we’re not going to allow other people to project negative energy onto us. Number two, we’re not going to beat ourselves up if we do get down sometimes.

  There is nothing “weak” or “soft” about having the courage to ask for help.

  Okay, enough about what could be wrong. Let’s focus now on what you can do to make it right again. When I was going through the blues, one of the things that kept me going was simply moving my body and breaking a sweat. I’d go out and play football, shoot hoops, whatever I could do to get those endorphins traveling through my system. I know you said the only thing you feel like doing is staying in your bed and you’ve been skipping your daily exercise hour, but, man, you’ve gotta figure out a way to motivate yourself to do it, even when you don’t really think you’re up for it. What I realized was that the times when I least felt like exercising were the times when I most needed to exercise.

  When we do feel down, we’re not going to wallow in it; we’re going to do something about it. We’re going to seek out professional help and counseling if it’s available to us. There is nothing “weak” or “soft” about having the courage to ask for help. And you know what’s a testament to all of this? This letter. Writing to you on this plane has elevated my spirits. I’m no longer anywhere near as down as I was when I began writing, and it just proves to you that giving and receiving mental reminders works. Ya see, man, maybe you’re helping me out more than I’m helping you! Thank you.

  THE BLUES VS. DEPRESSION: RECOGNIZING THE DIFFERENCE

  You’re probably wondering what the difference is between the blues and clinical depression. Well, the short answer is that one is a temporary emotional response to a set of situations or circumstances; the other is a more prolonged condition. It’s still an emotional response, but it lingers because of the chemical changes that have taken place in our bodies.

  In other words, all those challenges that melted into each other to create that huge “everything” you wrote about may have been what brought you down, but what’s keeping you down and “checked out of life” may be a chemical imbalance. The mind is part of the physical body. Every hormone or chemical that exists in our bodies affects our moods and our mental state.

  Every change that we have in our mood is either caused by or will bring about a shift in our body’s chemical levels. When we’re mad or frightened, our adrenaline levels increase, making the heart race. When we exercise or play sports, our body releases endorphins, which have been proven to spark a certain type of happy feeling.

  I want you to know all of this because you were so damn hard on yourself on the phone last night. Your words were hard for me to hear because I know they’re not true. That’s bullshit, man! And somewhere deep down, you know that.

  There is good in every person, and I have seen the good in you. You care about R. J. and are very concerned for him. You’ve tried to help some of the new inmates who don’t know the unspoken rules of the cell block. And you’ve been patient in dealing with your cellmate’s rants, even when he gets on your nerves. That’s what bothers me most: the fact that whatever you’re going through is hindering your ability to see yourself as you really are.

  Mental health is as important as physical health—maybe even more so, because if you can’t function, then how are you supposed to go on with your life? When we’re not feeling well, such as when we have a cough or a migraine, we immediately take stock of our condition. We start adding up all our symptoms and trying to match them to an illness. We start monitoring those symptoms to figure out if we’re getting better or getting worse. And if we suspect that we’re getting worse, we take medicine or see a doctor. When it comes to our mental health, though, we’re not conditioned to pay the same attention or to have the same set of responses. We’re told by most people to just “deal” or “get with the program,” or “take it to Jesus,” and I’m sure nobody in your cell block would suggest seeing a mental health professional. So what I’m saying to you is that since you’ve been feeling bad for several weeks now, maybe it’s time for you to make a health service request so you can begin to figure out, with a trained professional, what you’re going through.

  Whatever you choose to do, and whatever you eventually find out is going on with you, whether it’s the blues or clinical depression or something entirely different, I want you to know that you don’t have to feel like you’re alone or any less of a man. So many folks on the inside and family members on the outside are dealing with the blues or clinical depression. But they get up every day and go through the motions, rather than admitting it.

  None of us smile or laugh all the time. And we don’t expect to, so we also shouldn’t expect to be sad all the time, either. Being sad all the time could mean that you’re falling into depression. Life is about moderation, so there is nothing we should be all the time. But at the end of the day, one of the best things that I can do to deal with sadness is to give myself a mental reminder. Mental reminders work almost as well as the real thing. That’s how powerful our senses are. I’ll explain what I mean.

  Actors do the mind-body exercise of visualization all the time. It’s about evoking what’s called sense memory, and what that means is that you use and recall an experience you’ve had before, through one of your five senses. You think about what something tasted like, looked like, smelled like, felt like, and sounded like. You know how sometimes a song will come on the radio and it’ll remind you of a particular time and place, and you start to feel in your body how you felt in that time and place? That’s what sense memory is, and it’s at our disposal all the time. So when you’re feeling down or sad, you can let your senses take you back to times when you felt great and happy. Remind yourself through your senses what you were experiencing at the time. During the twenty-seven years that Nelson Mandela was locked up in prison, he said that he would “mentally stay free” by using this technique of sense memory. You and I really don’t have to fall victim to feeling down and sad. We can change that condition.

  According to the Mayo Clinic, mild depression often doesn’t respond to antidepressants, but severe depression can. Talk therapy can be an immense help as well, although I know it may be tough for you to find a counselor in the prison infirmary. Meditation, mind-body exercises, and pure and simple exercise have also been shown to help with depression, particularly mild depression that comes and goes.

  CHANGING THE WAY YOU ACT

  When you are depressed, a poor self-image can make a little mistake seem like a huge defeat. Write down your upsetting thoughts and feelings, and the negative events that triggered them, to help you analyze why you are feeling this way. Many experts feel that you can change the way you feel by changing the way you act. When you’re depressed, typically you don’t feel like doing anything, but if you can just make yourself get out of the cell and go to the yard for exercise hour or to the day room, you’ll start to feel better. Tell yourself that what you do does count. Make a list of the things you do each day, and give yourself credit for them. This is one way to start feeling a little better.

  You can change t
he way you feel by changing the way you act.

  When you talked about how you’d “checked out of life,” you said you stayed holed up in your cell, not really sleeping but not really doing anything else. You said you even thought about committing suicide a time or two. Now, I’m no doctor, but to me that sounds like a classic case of clinical depression. Reach out to someone.

  I don’t want you to isolate yourself so much that you cut yourself off from people who can help you. If you are having suicidal thoughts, even just toying with the idea, then you need to go to your health service provider at the prison infirmary and get some help, no matter what the dudes on the cell block would say if they found out.

  Therapy makes a lot of people uncomfortable, though. There’s the whole issue of stigma. There’s also the fear that some people have of talking to a stranger about their private business. Most of us aren’t used to being that vulnerable in front of strangers, but it’s no different than taking your clothes off in front of your physician for the first time. I would think there would be a health professional, a support group, or at least a chaplain in the prison who could listen to what you’re going through. Don’t allow judgments to stop you from seeking help if you are seriously depressed and down.

  Also, owning responsibility for crimes and developing a sense of remorse for them have proved to be some of the most therapeutic and character-building experiences an incarcerated person can have. They also make parole more likely. You see, once the parole authorities and/or the victims of certain crimes sense that a prisoner truly understands the consequences of his actions, they’re much more likely to let him out of prison. The Osborne Association (which has been dedicated to helping incarcerated people through education, job training, and psychological counseling for eighty years) does not shy away from the hardest cases inside prison walls.1 Their Longtermers Responsibility Project is devoted completely to helping prisoners with long sentences who’ve committed homicide-related crimes. The treatment method was developed by Kathy Boudin. She was a political activist about forty years ago who was locked up for a crime related to homicide that occurred while she was participating in a bank robbery. Boudin devised the Longtermers Responsibility Project with a professional therapist who specializes in restorative justice.2

  Members of the Longtermers Responsibility Project keep journals. They also do weekly writing exercises with the whole group. They craft detailed descriptions of their crimes and their role in them, and in vivid detail they try to describe the harm they think was done to victims and their family, friends, and neighborhood. Finally, they write a letter of apology to the family of the victim and devise a plan for making amends and serving their community. They also invite guest visitors who’ve been victims of a crime to speak to them.

  What do they get out of this? Self-insight, a feeling of responsibility for their own actions, remorse, and the clean slate of finally being honest with themselves and others. When they do get released, the Responsibility Project becomes part of their parole plan in the outside world. But whether the Responsibility Project leads to their release or not, it teaches them how to communicate and how to express themselves when it comes to personal relationships. They become more tolerant of other people. They up the odds in their lives for getting along more smoothly with family members, friends, and employers. They begin to feel connected.

  Do you think there might be a similar organization in the state where you are? I just hope you’re on the same page as I am with this, and don’t think I’m accusing you of doing anything you did not do. What interests me about the Responsibility Project is that it makes people truly aware of who they are and, maybe for the first time, reveals the links between their actions and their consequences. Hey, here I am ready to sign off and it’s already midnight. I should sleep like a corpse until the alarm goes off at five fifteen A.M. I’ll try to mail both these letters on the way to Central Park in the morning.

  Much love,

  Hill

  P.S. Just as I was about to send this letter to you I was speaking with my friend Chloe Flower. She is one of the world’s best classical crossover pianists. I told her about how much you like music and she wanted to write you a short note.

  Dear Brother,

  Music can be utilized not only for passive listening but, more importantly, for inspiration and healing. I hadn’t really thought of music in this capacity, and I started to realize I had kind of taken it for granted.

  Even before Hill told me, I knew that you like music because there isn’t anyone in this world who doesn’t appreciate music in some capacity. You see, music’s greatest gift is its lack of prejudice. Music is not the monopoly of the elite or the wealthy, but rather the right of all people, rich, poor, Black, white, healthy, sick, free, or incarcerated. And you can use music, a free and easily accessible resource, to improve the quality of your life.

  Historically, classical music has been associated with old, white, wealthy Europeans. But you know what? This last year alone, I have done classical collabs with popular musicians like Nas, Céline Dion, Timbaland, Beyoncé, Smokie Norful, and Babyface. And I wasn’t there as a traditional pop session musician, playing four chords over and over again. Instead, I fused my classical-music knowledge with their pop records to create a unique and innovative sound.

  Music has the ability to provoke profound emotional and mental reactions in humans. That is why I suggest listening to classical music or even your favorite popular music as much as possible, especially when you are feeling anxious, depressed, angry, sad, or negative. Certain musical chords possess the unique ability to instantaneously alter your mood without your even realizing it. It can change your brain chemistry in seconds and produce mood-altering chemicals like endorphins and serotonin, similarly to exercise and sun exposure. Music is the shortest path to the feeling of happiness, compassion, and empathy. Both within the walls of a prison and outside, it can help create a culture of respect and compassion.

  And even if you don’t have access to technology, you can still enjoy music. You can hear it in your head, sing it in your cell, make your own beats, or just listen to it on any device you can get.

  Because I don’t know your personal music preference, I chose some classical pieces that I am pretty certain you will enjoy. You will know if your brain likes them when you see the hairs on your arm rising during those “goose bump moments.” Although many music therapy playlists are motivated by personal preference, the musical elements of a song are actually more relevant than your musical taste when it comes to affecting your mood and brain chemistry. What I mean by “musical elements” is the rhythm, chord structure, timbre, and dynamics (louds/softs) of a particular song. These elements in music can quickly trigger very specific emotions such as happiness, empathy, and even sadness.

  So check out these songs when you can. Music and any art form can be “freeing.”

  J. S. Bach: Goldberg Variations, aria

  “Jesu, Joy of Man’s Desiring”

  Chaconne in D Minor for violin (or piano)

  Henry Purcell: “Dido’s Lament,” from the opera Dido and Aeneas

  Ludwig van Beethoven: Symphony No. 9 (he was deaf when he wrote this, believe it or not)

  Piano Concerto No. 5, first movement

  Frédéric Chopin: Piano Concerto No. 2, second movement (love song)

  Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky: Piano Concerto No. 1, first movement

  Jean Sibelius: Violin Concerto in D Minor, first movement

  Giacomo Puccini: “O Mio Babbino Caro,” from the opera Gianni Schicchi

  Johann Pachelbel: “Pachelbel’s Canon”

  Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart: Piano Sonata K. 448 (this was found to decrease the number of seizures in epilepsy patients)

  Johannes Brahms: Alto Rhapsody

  Sergei Rachmaninoff: Piano Concerto No. 2 (the third movement is incredible)

  Start out with these pi
eces and let me know what you think! And please reach out to me if you want more listening suggestions. I didn’t want to overwhelm you with material, but my list of tear-jerking, goose-bump-causing, gut-wrenching, beautiful classical music is endless!

  Yours,

  Chloe Flower

  MY SYMPHONY

  LETTER 24

  The Seven C’s

  To act coolly, intelligently, and prudently in perilous circumstances is the test of a man.

  Adlai Stevenson

  Happiness is not a destination; it is a way of travel.

  —Anonymous

  Hello, Brotha,

  Well, it’s late here in L.A. A few hours earlier, I was tempted to go on a late-night run and just clear my mind. But I think I’m just going to crash. First, though, I feel like writing about a few things.

  SUCCESS IS A SYSTEM

  In your last letter you wrote, “Hill, man, all I seem to ever experience is bad luck. Dude, I know it’s cliché, but I’d rather have no luck than this fucked-up bad luck.”

  Well, I don’t believe in bad luck. I believe that if you change the way you see yourself, you will change the way you see the world—thus affecting your choices, actions, and outcomes. Thereby shifting from so-called “bad luck” to planned-for positive results. Making that shift is a lot easier if you embrace what I call the Seven C’s.

  If you can master the Seven C’s, you will find a way to live divinely among the mysteries of the universe. Now, that may sound like touchy-feely bullshit to you, but I promise that it works. Take it from me: I probably have the best “luck” in the world, even though I’ve had cancer, been in car wrecks, been fired from jobs, had my heart broken—but I am blessed! And it’s led to success. It’s all in my reaction to these events. Make sense? I hope so.