Desperate to ease her he quickly tried to reel her in. “It was one time and it…” He closed his eyes. “It didn’t mean anything.” He lied and as the words escaped him his fist crashed with the hood of the car he was leaning on.
“When?” She asked angrily. He could tell she was crying. He heard her sniffle through her sobs to get the one word out.
“August.” He said automated. “Cara, listen, we were both drunk and it, well, it just happened.”
“It didn’t just happen!!” She hollered into the phone. “I brought you into the office and I undressed for you!” Even though she was yelling at him her voice was broken and laced with sobs. “How come you never told me?”
“It was a mistake that we both made. You didn’t remember and I thought I could try to forget too. It’d be like it never happened and you wouldn’t have to suffer anymore grief.” The only problem with his plan was that he couldn’t forget and the more he tried the more he didn’t want to. “I’m sorry.”
She never answered him and simply hung up on him. As much as he hated the way that went down a part of him was thankful that she finally remembered the night that had been etched into his soul.
Cara’s Journal: September 29
Dear Jake,
I had group therapy today and I survived. Yay! Go me! I know I’m a dork, don’t laugh at me. Anyway, it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. It was heartbreaking, but it was different than what I expected. No one judged anyone. There was just a silent understanding amongst everyone. Everyone has a story, a path that led them to the circle, and when they have the nerve to share, everyone just listens.
I learned so much in one session. These people are my peers. They are just as broken as me. They aren’t evil people they are just victims of circumstance. They are weak and lack self-control. Just like me.
Can I tell you something? I’m not sure, but I don’t think your death broke me. I think you dying was just the straw that broke the camel’s back. I was damaged when you met me. You were just the one person who had the ability to hold me together. You were my glue.
There is something else I have to tell you. Drugs are evil. Evil, I tell you. Since I left my therapy sessions I’ve been hallucinating. I feel like I’m back in the seventh layer of hell, detoxing. I guess it’s a side effect. They aren’t giving me any more medication to help the withdrawals so maybe that’s it.
I’m going to try to sleep, hopefully they will go away.
Love always and forever,
Cara
Dear Jake,
Oh my god. I am so sorry.
I hate myself.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry.
Cara’s Journal: September 30
Dear Jake,
I can picture the hurt in your eyes, the disappointment in your face, and I can hear your heart breaking, because well that’s exactly how I feel. Saying I’m sorry won’t be nearly enough. I am ashamed of my actions.
I am a horrible person. The only way I can rationalize what I did is by telling myself that I was just trying to erase the pain of losing you. It doesn’t excuse using Luke to do it. Please don’t be mad at him. If anyone is to blame, it’s me. I took advantage of him, knowing he was hurting as much as I. Maybe I wanted him to know I was using him, I’m not even sure. Maybe I wanted him to feel like I used him, maybe I thought I’d get rid of his constant presence.
I don’t deserve him looking out for me, just like I never deserved you. You were the only person who made things better in my life and I completely took advantage of that, just like I took advantage of Luke’s concern for my well-being.
I don’t even know if what I’m saying makes any sense. I’m trying to figure out the person I am, and the more I discover the more I don’t like. I just want you to know what happened between Luke and I didn’t mean anything.
Part of my recovery is making amends with the people I’ve hurt while being an addict. I can’t make amends with you because you are not here physically. But I know you are with me in spirit and I want you to know I promise to make things right. I promise to change the ugliness in my life. I want to be a better person Jake.
I Love you. Only You.
Love always and forever,
Cara
Chapter Six
New York was beautiful all year round, but there were certain times when New York was magical. Most New Yorkers would say it was Christmas time, but there were some who would say Post Season Baseball in the Bronx was magic. Joe Lanza was one of those people. He was a die-hard Yankee fan and when his future son-in-law picked him up for the game, he was decked out in pinstripes from head to toe. He even traded in his usual black dress slacks for a pair of navy pinstripe ones. He had on his Derek Jeter jersey and wore the number two on his back proudly.
Nick ushered Joe through the stadium, listening while he hummed ‘Take Me Out To The Ball Game’, making a mental note to buy the man a box of Cracker Jack’s. They had great seats right above the dugout. Joe wouldn’t even need to use the binoculars that hung around his neck. He slapped Nick on the back.
“You did good, boy! These seats are perfect!” Joe said as he smiled broadly taking in the view of the ball field. The stadium was alive and the fans boisterous. The crowd chanted “Let’s Go Yankees” as the starting line-up was announced. The two men sat back in their seats and took it all in. Nick glanced over at Joe and smiled, happy to see the man enjoying himself and then he looked over at the empty seat beside him. He wondered if Luke would even show. The last week he had been unbearable. He didn’t know what it was that was eating away at his friend, but he hated seeing him this way. He was cold and disconnected from everyone. The only time he seemed to be himself was when he was around Ava, never allowing her to see whatever it was that was tormenting him.
“I remember the first time I took Luke and Jake to a baseball game.” Joe said, sounding a bit nostalgic, causing Nick to turn his attention from the empty seat beside him. “Luke was amazed by the stadium and all the players. I remember he brought his catcher’s mitt with him, hoping to catch a foul ball.” Joe smiled and then his smile turned into a slight chuckle. “My boy, Jake, well, he was amazed by the concession stands.”
Nick laughed as Joe reminisced. “He must’ve been in his glory.”
“Oh yeah, they both were, just in different ways.” He sighed softly and then patted Nick’s shoulder. “I’m going to go grab us a couple of hot dogs.” He said as he rose to his feet. “Maybe by the time I get back that son of mine will grace us with his presence.”
Nick nodded slightly watching Joe make his way through the row of seats to the aisle. He sighed and watched him disappear from his vision, feeling for the man who had lost his son and was on the brink of losing his other one. Not in death, but in spirit.
It wasn’t fair to these people to endure anymore loss. First Jake dies and leaves everyone with a gaping hole in their hearts and then Cara nearly kills herself. Now it seems Luke was on the verge of his own breakdown. It was no wonder any of them were still standing. Alright, so maybe he was being a tad bit dramatic, but Nick decided he wasn’t going to let Luke spiral out of control, not on his watch. He’d tell him it was time to man the fuck up and snap out of it. He was about to grab his phone when he felt someone sit beside him. He glanced up and saw Luke sitting with a solemn expression on his face.
“Nice of you to make it.” Nick said flatly.
“Don’t start with me.” Luke warned as he fingered the brim of his Yankee cap, tugging it further down onto his head.
“It’s good to see you are your usual pleasant self.” Nick said sarcastically. Luke remained silent and kept his eyes trained on the field in front of him. “I swear to Christ, you ruin this night for your old man and I’ll make your life miserable.”
“You could try, but it won’t make much of a difference.” Luke mumbled.
Nick stared at him for a moment, trying his hardest to figure out what the hell his problem was.
“Luke, you made it!!” Joe said joyfully carrying a cardboard tray full of hot dogs.
Luke lifted his head and looked at his father, offering him a half of a smile. “Yeah, just in time too, they’re about to throw the first pitch.”
Joe sat down and handed out the hot dogs as he made himself comfortable. Nick handed Luke a hot dog and he shook his head. Nick leaned into his friend and whispered harshly. “Eat the fucking hot dog.”
Luke grabbed the hot dog Nick offered him and bit down with a vengeance and turned his attention back to the field.
* * * * *
The first two innings consisted of Joe taking pictures with his phone of the players as they made their way back to the dugout while Nick tried to include Luke in pointless conversation. Luke remained silent, not paying much attention to the game, but instead staring down at his phone hoping it would ring. He hadn’t heard from Cara in almost a week. Not since he told her that they had sex and she hung up on him. He had no idea if she was okay or what she was thinking and it had just about wrecked him.
He feared he set her back in her recovery by confessing the truth about their night together. He had to stop himself from driving to Pennsylvania to check on her. He knew he was acting irrational and yet he couldn’t control himself. He sat watching a playoff game, that under normal circumstances, he would’ve been in his glory. Instead, he sat there wishing she’d call him. He felt as if he was suffocating despite the fact that he was in a wide open stadium. He took a deep breath and eyed his escape route. He stole a glance towards his father and Nick. They jumped up along with the rest of the crowd as Jeter’s bat sent the ball out of the park. Perfect time to escape, they wouldn’t even realize he was gone, except Nick turned towards him and ruined his whole plan.
“Did you see that?!” He shouted over the roar of the stadium.
Luke stood up and leaned into Nick. “I’ve got to get out of here.” He shouted over the noise.
“Jeter! Jeter! Jeter!” Chants broke out around them as Nick stared at him incredulously.
“Are you kidding me? This is history in the making!” Nick shouted as Joe stood on top of his seat with the guy beside him chanting happily.
Luke glanced at his father watching as he began to kick his legs with his new buddy, like they were members of the Radio City Rockettes. He diverted his eyes back towards Nick.
“Take care of him.” Luke said before turning around and making his way through the row of people jumping up and down elated.
Nick looked back towards Joe. “I’ll be right back!” He shouted and Joe waved him off, signaling Nick to do what he had to do. Nick shuffled through the crowd, following Luke to the best of his ability.
By the time Luke made it inside the stadium he could hear the roar of the crowd explode again. He glanced up at the TV and saw that another homerun was scored in the Yankees favor.
“Luke!” Nick called as he made his way inside of the stadium.
Luke rolled his eyes and slowly turned around to face him. “Man, go back out there, you’re missing the game.”
“You know what? I don’t give a fuck!” Nick said his patience fleeing him. “You ruined the night anyway with your bullshit. I don’t know what the fuck your problem is but get a grip!”
Something inside Luke snapped and he unleashed everything he was harboring. “You want to know what my problem is? I was supposed to be the one person who could save my brother’s life.” He shouted, not giving a damn that they were in a public place or that anyone could hear his turmoil. “He wasn’t supposed to die!” He pulled off his baseball cap and ran his hands roughly through his hair. “I’m a shit brother. He’s dead months now and I haven’t visited his grave once! Not once!”
Nick took a step towards Luke. “Man, you’ve had your hands full. You have been taking care of Cara. You don’t think Jake would be grateful for that? That he wouldn’t understand you’ve been busy?”
Luke laughed at him. “Right. He’d be grateful.” The absurdity of the Nick’s statement was almost hilarious to Luke. “Tell me something? You think Jake would be grateful that I screwed his fiancée? His body was barely cold and I took advantage of her. I did such a good job taking care of her that she nearly killed herself in a car accident because she became a drug addict, on my watch!!!” He observed Nick closely, waiting for him to show some sort of reaction. “Did you hear what I said? I had sex with Cara after my brother died! And then when she didn’t remember because she was too strung out on drugs, I lied and I hid it from her. I pretended like it never fucking happened, like, that night wasn’t something I agonized over every night since! And when I say agonized I don’t mean that it pained me so much to do it, but that it pained me that I couldn’t do it again or that she didn’t remember.” Luke turned his gaze away from his friend, unable to look at him anymore.
Nick didn’t know what to say. He usually could read Luke like a book and know how to handle anything he tossed his way. If it was just Luke grieving the loss of his brother and the fact that the bone marrow transplant didn’t work, Nick could probably handle that. He could probably pull Luke out of whatever black hole he was crawling into, but this guilt over Cara was unchartered territory. Nick didn’t dare say that he knew how to maneuver a Jake and Cara situation, but a Luke and Cara situation? Well, fuck he knew jack shit about that.
Luke blew out a deep breath and turned back to face Nick. “I’m sorry about tonight. Cara remembered last week and thought her mind was playing tricks on her. When I told her it was true and that it didn’t mean anything, that it was just a mistake, she hung up on me and I haven’t heard from her since.” He tugged his baseball cap back onto his head and shoved his hands in his pocket. “I can’t be here.” He shook his head. “My head is just not in it.”
“Can you call the rehab?” Nick asked as he cupped the back of his neck. He was struggling to find some way to ease his friend.
“No, she can only call out.” Luke said and then he narrowed his eyes towards Nick. “You can’t tell Sam. No one else can know what happened between me and Cara.”
“I won’t say anything.” He paused for a moment. “Luke, you’re not responsible for what happened to Jake. The transplant worked it was his body that was just too weak and battered from the chemo. You couldn’t control that and you shouldn’t beat yourself up over that. As far as this shit with Cara goes. It was one time. You both were grieving and well, fuck, grief makes you do some crazy shit.”
“The thing is I’m pretty sure I’d do it again.” He shook his head and mumbled what a piece of shit he was.
“She’ll call. She’s working through a lot of shit, man.” As the words came out of Nick’s mouth, he couldn’t believe he was giving Luke, a Cara pep talk, talk about a cluster fuck.
“Don’t waste your breath on me, I’m a lost cause.” Luke said and nodded towards the stadium. “You better go back out there. Thanks for hearing me out.” He turned around and before Nick could protest or offer him any more encouraging words that he didn’t deserve he walked away.
* * * * *
Cara sat down on one of the sofas that surrounded Lakeview’s rec room. The last few days she had become more immersed in the activities that the facility had to offer. She didn’t want to be locked away in her room, secluded from everyone anymore. She nudged Collin with her elbow.
“Hey, what’s the score?” She asked him while he kept his eyes glued to the TV. She had taken to the young kid and was happy to see him starting to evolve. Gone was the shaky boy that looked too frail to stand. The young man beside her looked eager to take on whatever lay ahead of him.
“Did you see that? The Yankees had the lead by three! They just blew it!” He said exasperated. Cara turned her head and looked at the TV, watching one of the players from the opposing team round the bases. She knew enough about baseball to know that the guy just hit a grand slam and cleared the bases. She looked up at the scoreboard in the top corner of the screen. The Yankees were losing by two. She l
eaned back against the cushions of the couch and wrapped her arms around herself as she watched the players cheer at home base. Her mind wandered to Luke and she pictured him hunched over grabbing the rim of his baseball hat as he stared at the TV angrily. She covered her mouth with her hand when the giggle erupted from her lips. The broody Lanza was probably having a small fit right now.
Collin looked over at her. “Are you actually laughing that the Yankees are losing?”
Cara peered up at him, not hiding the small smile that she was wearing. “No, I’m just thinking about someone who is probably feeling the same way you are.”
“You should probably call he or she, and talk them off the ledge.” He said and winked at her in good humor. She reached out and tousled his hair before rising to her feet.
“You know what? You’re right.” She said and then nodded towards the TV. “They can come back.”
Collin lifted his hands and showed her that he had his fingers crossed. She smiled and made a beeline towards her room. She took a deep breath once inside and decided she didn’t have to avoid Luke anymore. She was beginning to understand that part of recovering from all that she was suffering from was accepting things for what they were and moving past them. She felt guilty for so many reasons, but the one reason that was currently nagging at her was that she had hung up on Luke and never called him back. Knowing the type of person that Luke was, she knew that he was probably beating himself up and at her expense. She dialed the number that she had now memorized and lifted the phone to her ear.
Luke sat in his car staring up at the bar, he couldn’t bring himself to enter. When he left the game he didn’t feel like going home. The whole ride back from the Bronx he thought about how he could make this right and came up with nothing. He sat in front of Rudy’s and debated on whether or not he should go inside and drown his sorrows. His phone vibrated on the seat next to him and he banged his head against the steering wheel, figuring it was Nick. He felt like an ass for spilling his guts to his friend on a night that he should be enjoying himself. He sighed and glanced over and noticed the familiar number wasn’t Nick’s.
Fitting The Pieces (The Riverdale Series Book 3) Page 8
