PORN STARS... More Than Just Moans

by Joseph, Fabiola;L. Ramsey, Matthew

  “If I were you, now don’t take this the wrong way cause I love Bobby, but,”

  I could tell that Gina was trying to choose her word carefully.

  “You could be so much more out here. You could make so much money, gain fame for more than fucking on film. We know you’re good at what you do, but this is a chance to start over. I hope that I’m not out of line here but Jezebel, you are something special. I wouldn’t waste your talent if I had it.”

  FUCKKKKKKK, both her and Matt were making so much sense. I knew that they were right, but I was under contact with Fantasy Pictures.

  “But my contra---.”

  I didn’t get the word contract out before Matt spoke up.

  “We would buy you out.”

  I looked over at Lust hoping that his head wasn’t spinning like mine was. So much, so fast.

  “At least think about it,” Lust said with a warm smile.

  “He’s right; you should think about it and let us know. But in the meantime, at least we’ll have you here twice a month.”

  We spoke for another hour or so working the kinks out of the contract and waiting for two lawyers to make their way to the club. It was late but you could get anything at any time in that city, good or bad. They made everything sound first class. They would put me up in the best hotel for three days and two nights, even though I would only have to work one night. They would also send a plane out every two weeks to take me from L.A. to Vegas and back. I would also have a car service to pick me up from my house and anywhere I wanted to go once I got to Vegas. They promised only the best their city had to offer, five star everything, all the way. Once the lawyers looked over and explained everything to both parties, it all seemed kosher, so I signed the contract.

  *****

  Could you believe that they asked me to feature at their club? The money, are they crazy, thirty G’s?”

  I had showered, changed and now Lust and I were on our way back to the hotel. I jumped into his lap and spoke a mile a minute.

  “Picture me, Jasmine Rodriguez, a Vegas showgirl. OH, MY GOD!” I screamed.

  “Why are you so surprised, doing porn wasn’t your ultimate goal was it?”

  I looked at him like he was crazy.

  “Hell no, I wasn’t even supposed to be doing that shit. I went out to L.A. to act in “Real” films, you know, on the big screen. It just didn’t come as easy as I thought it would, so I had to find a way to pay the bills.”

  “Can I ask you something Jazz?”

  I shook my head yes.

  “How come you didn’t jump at the opportunity they’re giving you? It’s way better than that porn bullshit and I’ve even been thinking about my exit, why don’t you do the same?”

  He didn’t know that my heart was already set on transitioning. Although I didn’t know when or how I was going to leave my new-but-old life behind, I did know that I would leave it without ever looking back. So I stayed in his lap and told him everything. By the time I was done, the concerns he had before were soothed. He was so happy for me and with me that he knew it was time to fess up. He took my face into his hands and kissed me tenderly. He felt so good, so damn right.

  “You know what, Jasmine?”

  “What is it baby?”

  “I think you should know that I have fallen in love with you.”

  I just sat there, frozen, still unable to move. He must have thought that he weirded me out or that maybe I didn’t feel the same. He looked scared, embarrassed even. Then the laughter came, I couldn’t stop it even though I tried.

  “What in the fuck is so funny?”

  He looked so cute. He looked like a seven year old who hadn’t gotten their way.

  “Calm down, baby, it’s not what you think. It’s just, well, I’m laughing because I have been in love with you for some time now and I don’t even know your real name.”

  I laughed again. “I call the man I love by his “Porn name.”

  Now we both were laughing. I don’t know if I had never thought about it before, or if it just hadn’t mattered until then, but it was odd that I only knew him as Lust.

  “Well, Jasmine, you can call me Lanell.”

  “Lanell?” I asked.

  That was one I hadn’t heard before.

  “Yeah, I was named after my mom’s first kiss. She thought that it was funny pulling that one over my dad.”

  We laughed and I kissed my man. His kiss somehow tasted sweeter than before.

  “I’m in love with you, too, Lanell.”

  *****

  The flight back was draining. Leaving Las Vegas was like leaving my soul behind. In a way I was. Lust had decided to stay a little longer. He said that he needed the time away from the real world and that since he was enjoying himself, he wasn’t in a rush to leave. I was afraid if he stayed that he wouldn’t be able to come and see me when I went back, but he promised to never miss a performance. I questioned his ability to go to Vegas every two weeks. It wasn’t like they were going to be flying him out like they were doing for me. But he told me not to worry, that he never broke his promises. So as the taxi pulled up to my building in L.A., I kept my head up and told myself that soon enough I would be kissing this place and all it held goodbye. I could and would be walking away from Breeze and his fucked up ways. I would turn my back on L.A. and the dreams that it swallowed whole. I would tell the porn biz to kiss my ass and break free from the shackles that it continuously puts on its participants.

  I walked in to my apartment and noticed how small and unimportant everything in it was. Leaving all of this bullshit behind was going to be a breeze, no pun intended. I sat on my couch and turned on my phone, it hadn’t been on since I turned it off after speaking to Gina. I dialed Lanell’s number and waited to hear my lover’s voice.

  “Hey baby, how was your flight?”

  I sunk deeper into the couch. His voice relaxed me.

  “Lonely, I miss you already. I should have stayed,” I said, feeling fed up with myself. I should have said fuck it and never came back.

  “I wish you were here too but you did what you had to do. I have been thinking about you since I left you at the airport. I was like, damn nigga, man up, you’ll see her soon,” he said with a light chuckle. I closed my eyes and thought about out last night together. It was like saying the “Love” word changed everything. We made love over and over savoring every part of each other’s body. It was better than it had ever been, and it was because we loved each other deeply.

  “So what are you gonna do while out in paradise?” I asked trying to sound up beat.

  “Relax, think of you, gamble, and eat, and then go home.”

  “Well, have fun.”

  I was jealous.

  “I’ll have more fun two weeks from now when I’m with you. I love you Jasmine.”

  “That’s music to my ears, Lanell.”

  “No, tell me you love me too so that I can sleep well tonight.”

  “I love you with all my heart.”

  “Now go to bed, call me once you’re done with work.”

  *****

  I got up the next morning and told myself to just go with the flow of life. I had a plan and although it would take some time to get there, I WOULD get there.

  “Oh, shit, look what the cat dragged in,” DeeDee said as I entered the locker room. She walked over to me and gave me a hug.

  “Girllllll, you know I want to hear all about it, but I’m about to go on set. Drink after work?” she asked as she headed for the door. I told her yes and watched her leave. I looked around and saw all of the same old faces including Ebony’s trifling ass. I rolled my eyes and went to the call sheet. I went down the whole damn thing and didn’t see my name on it anywhere. What in the hell was going on?

  “No work for the big star, huh?”

  I knew who it was before I even turned around. I should have just ignored her ass but she had caught the right person on the wrong damn day.

  “How many times do I have to tell
your ass not to look at me, let alone talk to me? Are you fucking hard of hearing or something? You say one more fucking thing to me and I’m gonna put my foot deep in your ass, understand?”

  Tanya stepped up like she wanted to test me, I was ready.

  “I will fucking kill you, bitch. DeeDee’s not here this time.”

  I put my duffle bag down and was about to get it in. I didn’t need DeeDee for me to show this bitch what time it was.

  “Tanya, get your ass out here, we don’t have all day,” I heard one of the directors say.

  “You’re one lucky bitch,” she said as she walked by me bumping me with her shoulders. I walked up behind her and pushed her hard. She went flying into one of the lockers. I waited for her to come back at me but she didn’t. She just fixed her clothes and stood up straight.

  “You may have won the battle but I won the war, hoe.”

  “Yeah, whatever, Tanya. Come at me when you really wanna see me.”

  I threw my bag into my locker, locked it and headed for Breeze’s office.

  “Hey girl, don’t tell me that you’re just getting back?”

  I was happy to see Jamar and gave him a hug.

  “Yeah, I am but I can fill you in on that later. You should join DeeDee and me for drinks after work. But let me tell you what Tanya just tried to pull.”

  I told him what just went down in the locker room allowing myself to get heated all over again.

  “That’s one crazy bitch but she may be right about winning that war. Breeze called me yesterday asking if I heard from you. He was acting all crazy and he sounded pissed.”

  “He knew where I was, his dad said that he would tell him about me staying a few extra days.”

  “I don’t know; have you seen him yet?”

  I didn’t want to tell Jamar that I was avoiding Breeze but he could tell. In a crazy way, I was kind of scared to find out what would happen when I did see him.

  “Well, he’s around here somewhere so you’re bound to bump into him.”

  “Who cares, I’m over the both of them to tell you the truth.”

  Jamar looked at his watch and told me that he had to get on set before they started looking for him. I head straight for Mr. Cappello’s office. I wanted to know if he told his son the reason behind my absence.

  *****

  “Hello, hello, Jazzy, I’ve been hoping to see you. I spoke with Gina and I heard you tore the place down. How are you, did you enjoy yourself?”

  Mr. Cappello was standing without stretched arms. He gave me a warm hug and I took in a nose full of his expensive cologne. He always smelled so good.

  “I love being up there on that stage, it felt right you know?” I was so comfortable around him now that I felt free to speak candidly.

  “At first I was like what in hell were you thinking? But once I hit that stage, I lost myself in the music and it just came to me. I really do have to thank you.”

  He smiled and I could tell that he felt that he had done something right.

  “Well, Gina is going to send me a copy of your performance and I can’t wait to see it. She couldn’t say enough about you, Jasmine. I’m proud of you, I really am.”

  That meant a lot coming from him.

  “So what can I do you for?” I took a seat and came right out with it.

  “Did you tell your son that I would be staying and performing at the Black Oasis?”

  “Of course I did, I told you that I would.”

  “Did, umm, did you tell him about—?”

  He knew what I was trying to get at. I wanted to know if he told him about Lanell and I being together.

  “Look Jazz, I don’t meddle in my son’s personal life. I told him what I needed to tell him and that was it. But I did hear something about him knowing—.”

  Mr. Cappello stopped talking and just stared at the door. I turned around and say Breeze standing.

  “So you’re back?” he asked with piercing eyes.

  “Yeah, got in last night.”

  “And you didn’t call, must have had someone else to talk to.”

  You could have cut the tension in that office with a knife.

  “Well, I have work to do. I’ll see you later, Jazzy.”

  I wasn’t going to let Mr. Cappello leave without bring up the fact that I wasn’t scheduled for any movies just in case Breeze was trying to pull a fast one.

  “I may not be here, Mr. Cappello. I figured that I would just go home since I wasn’t taping.”

  “What are you talking about? I set up three feature films for you myself. You’re fresh off major wins, who would be crazy enough not to use that and put you to work?” he asked as he looked at his son as if Breeze was crazy. There he was thinking with his dick again.

  “Don’t leave without seeing again, I’ll go check on it,” he said while exiting his office. Once Mr. Cappello was gone, I just sat there. I didn’t know what angle to take with Breeze. After just standing at the door and looking at me for a while. He walked into the office, slammed the door, and sat down behind his father’s desk.

  “So how was your trip, I heard about your wins.”

  “Yeah, it was all great.” I kept my answers short and sweet.

  “So my dad hooked you up with Gina, how did that go?”

  “It was fun, something different.”

  “The weather, was it okay?”

  That was a weird question but okay, I would play his game. “It was lovely.”

  “So, no power outages, no lines down.”

  Okay, now I knew where he was going.

  “No, nothing like that.”

  “SO WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T YOU CALL ME? NO BETTER YET, WHY WAS YOUR PHONE OFF?”

  I remained calm even though he was yelling.

  “Just didn’t feel like being bothered. I guess I was still mad that you couldn’t come with me.”

  I prayed that he brought the bullshit I was selling.

  “So you really wanted me there, huh?”

  He looked me right in the eyes when he asked me this but I wasn’t backing down. I stared right back into his eyes and lied, “Of course I did. You knew how upset I was that you weren’t coming.

  He leaned back in the desk chair and shook his head.

  “I can’t believe you’re looking me right in my face and lying to me.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  My stomach had started to do flips at that point.

  “If I was there you wouldn’t have been able to hook back up with Lust.”

  He stopped talking and watched for my reaction. When I didn’t give him one he continued, “Yeah, that’s right. Tanya told me all about you two lovebirds. How you two were making out at the award show and how you two damn near fucked in the club, yeah I know it all, fucking slut.”

  My anger was boiling over. If that bitch was going to tell she could have at least told the truth.

  “That’s a fucking lie right there,” I said standing up.

  “Which part?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Which part are lies? The kissing, groping, or are you telling me that you didn’t see him at all.”

  I looked down at the smug look on his face and said fuck it.

  “You know what, Breeze, fuck you and fuck Tanya; you two can have each other.”

  He jumped up so fast that the desk chair was still spinning by the time he got to me. He grabbed both of my arms and pulled me to him.

  “NO, FUCK YOU! I gave you everything and you stoop down to what, Lust’s level. He doesn’t have what I have, he will never be me.”

  “His level? You will never know what his level is, you will never be able to reach it, baby. See, he doesn’t have some hoe living with him while he’s in another relationship. If you really liked me the way you say you did, you wouldn’t still be living with that bitch. You wouldn’t take her word over mine, and most of all, you wouldn’t talk to or treat me the way you do. And that’s why you will never be on his level.”


  “What are you talking about? I’m not the one who’s married?”

  “That one is old already, find something new,” I said breaking his grip. I now had the info on Lanell’s marriage. I knew that he was separated.

  “You already knew the situation between Tanya and me when you first started messing with me. She caught us fucking for crying out loud.”

  “Well, shame on me,” I said as I headed for the door.

  “Come back here, Jasmine.”

  “Sorry, but this conversation is over, see you around.”

  Chapter 20

  “Karma Is What He Kraves”

  I couldn’t believe my father was in L.A., let alone standing at my front door. He looked the same since I last saw him except his hairline was receding a little more. He was wearing some black slacks, a cream colored polo shirt, and some freshly shined dress shoes. Since I looked just like him I was happy to know I’d be handsome when I got older. I didn’t know what to say, I was speechless. My father opened the storm door himself and that’s when reality kicked back in.

  “Dad, what are you doing here?”

  “I was traveling with a coworker of mine on business. Since I was in L.A., I decided to stay an extra day so I could visit you, and see your new house. You sounded so excited about it when you called me last week. I thought I’d surprise you. Are you not happy to see me?”

  “I am. Come in.”

  I gave him a big hug as I thought about how I was going to hide my porn, my awards, and Tyree. Well, not really Tyree, but hide the fact that he was my man.

  “I was hoping I could spend the night here, if that’s okay with you. If not, I’ll need you to drive me to the nearest hotel in a few hours.”

  “Of course you can stay here. I have a few guest rooms. Give me a minute and I’ll be right back to give you a tour of the house.”

  I walked down the hallway, and then I turned the corner. Once I knew my father couldn’t see me I ran to the living room.