PORN STARS... More Than Just Moans

by Joseph, Fabiola;L. Ramsey, Matthew

  “Just get over to my house. I’m leaving the spa now, and if you can, stop and get that from Blaze---.”

  “Owww, girl, I’m on my way and I just re-upped, so we're good on the green.”

  I got into the car before calling Jamar. I knew that I needed to tell him about Tyree but still didn’t know how he was going to take it.

  “Hey lover, where you been, I can’t even get a phone call or nothing?” I asked before laughing. I knew that this is what he was planning on saying to me so I beat him to the punch.

  “Bitch please, you get with Lust and it’s like “Fuck the rest of the world”. You know I was only giving you one more day before I got real nasty on you answering machine, right?”

  “I know, I know, but you know how it is?” I asked but wanted to yank my tongue out right after I said it. Here I was about to break this horrible news to him yet I’m telling him he knows what it’s like to be with the man you love.

  “So what are you doing today, feel like hanging out?” I asked as if I was erasing my slip of the tongue.

  “I’m game, plus I have some shit I gotta tell you. Some crazy things have been going on and you know I need your ear.”

  Damn I hope he didn’t want to speak to me alone, I had already invited DeeDee.

  “I already asked DeeDee to come, is that okay?”

  “Oh, yeah that’s cool, plus she already knows what’s up.”

  I told him to meet me at my house in an hour or so. I wanted to have plenty of time to talk to DeeDee.

  By the time I got home DeeDee was already there waiting for me. I could tell that she was dying to know what I wanted to talk to her about.

  “Damn girl, what did you do, fly over?” I asked as I greeted her with a hug and friendly kiss. She was as stunning as always. Tall, smooth cocoa skin, regal, and almost queen like, I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. Even her stance was strong, giving off an air of importance. Her cat-like arrogance dared to be offended and slowed you down. She made you feel like nothing about her was to be missed, and therefore you had to stop and look.

  “You know I got to get my news hot off the press. Now let’s go upstairs, roll up, smoke, up and spill the motha-fuckin' beans.”

  *****

  I sat there and watched DeeDee lick, split, fill, and roll the long game blunt and admired her skills. We all knew that if you wanted a well rolled fat blunt, call on her.

  “So, go ahead and let it out, I’m about to light up.”

  I still said nothing. I didn’t speak until I felt the effect of the herb seep through my body. The feeling of clarity yet fogginess relaxed me and I knew that I was ready to talk.

  “Well after Vegas, Lanell asked me to go to Santa Barbara to a family thing and I said yes.”

  “Ooookaaaayyy,” she said, drawing out the word, prompting me to get to the point.

  “Well, while there, I saw Tyree with someone else.”

  She took in a deep drag only to choke on it as I finished my sentence. She passed me the blunt and tried to clear her throat before said, “What do you mean, who in the hell was he with?”

  Telling her wouldn’t give the effect that I wanted so I took out my phone and showed her the pictures that I had taken.

  “WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?”

  I put my finger up to my lips and shushed her. I didn’t want Jamar to arrive and hear our conversation. I went over what I saw at the restaurant and still tried to make sense of it myself.

  “You mean to tell me that he’s really not gay, but what about Jamar, that’s his boyfriend?”

  DeeDee was just as confused as me. She spent the next ten minutes asking questions I had no answers to.

  “So how are you gonna tell him this shit?”

  DeeDee started to roll two more blunts but I stopped her.

  “Go ahead and make that three, he’ll be here soon and he’s going to need it more than us. As far as how I’m gonna tell him, I still don’t know.”

  “This nigga is just triflin’. How he gonna have a girl all this time and do what he does? Plus she’s about to have a baby…I don’t think any of us really knows that dude. If he could do something like this…what won’t he do?”

  I sat there in my haze filled rage and hated Tyree more than I ever did. Not only was he betraying my friend but now I was dragged into it by error. Now I had to be the one to break what I’m sure would be devastating news, fucking asshole.

  When Jamar knocked on the door, it was like a rude awakening. I knew that the time had come and I needed to shit or get off of the pot.

  “You sure you don’t want to tell him?” I asked DeeDee even though I knew that I had to be the one to do it. I just wanted to see if she would take the bait and somehow save me from being the bearer of bad news.

  “Girl…no I not telling him that shit, plus you are the one who was there, you heard everything firsthand, sorry, but you gotta do it.”

  She was right, there was no use trying to find an out.

  “Hey lover, missed you,” I said to him as I gave him a tight hug. My heart was racing as if I had run ten miles, but I didn’t let it show.

  “Oh, you miss me now? What about when you were under Lust getting dicked down, did you think of me then?” he asked and waited for me to answer.

  “Hell no, I was thinking about Lanell, and only Lanell,” I said as we took our seats. DeeDee handed him the long fat blunt she rolled for him and I picked up my own. We all lit up and within ten minutes Jamar was filling me in about what went down when I was gone.

  “You mean that dude I pushed into the pool at your barbeque?”

  He didn’t seem so crazy to me then, but I didn’t know him so I couldn’t say.

  “Yes girl, and now he’s at my house all of the time and pushing up on me. I liked it at first but once I realized that he was crazy and stalking me, I was so over it.”

  “So how do you know that he crashed the car on purpose?”

  Jamar took a big pull off of his blunt before answering me.

  “I don’t,” he said in the “I have smoke in my lung” voice.

  “That’s why I haven’t really gone to the cops. Even Tyree’s confuse about the whole thing. My baby was in so much pain when I got to the hospital. I almost lost my shit on the drive there.”

  “Damn Jamar, why didn’t you call me?”

  I could hear the emotion in his voice when he talked about Tyree. This was making it harder for me to tell him.

  “I knew you were with your man, I didn’t want to ruin that time for you since it’s so far and few. Plus DeeDee was there. I knew that she would have my back if I went crazy.”

  “That’s right, you know I got your back,” DeeDee said slapping five with him.

  “I know, but you ain’t have to bring Ebony’s ass with you.”

  I almost spit out my diet coke.

  “She brought who?”

  I couldn’t help but laugh. I wish I was there for that confrontation.

  “Okay, okay, I didn’t think. But, she said she wanted to go and see if he was okay---”

  “Of course she did,” I said between laughter.

  “No, that’s not all, she said she also wanted to speak to Jamar and apologize. She’s really been talking about how sorry she is about everything.”

  Jamar and I looked at each other and laughed.

  “Fuck that bitch, she should be sorry. Just as sorry as he should be.”

  That slipped. I didn’t mean to say it…but I did.

  “You’re right, but I was just trying to dead all the bullshit. I just thought that we could air things out and even if they were never friends again, well maybe they could be.”

  “Could be what, friends?” Jamar asked with a disgusted face.

  “HELL NO, THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.”

  I smoked and laughed to myself. I guess it’s easier forgiving a lover than it is a friend.

  “So, what’s been going on with you?” Jamar asked after going over all of the things I missed whi
le out of town. DeeDee looked over at me and I knew what she was thinking.

  “Why don’t you roll us another round of blunts, I’ll get us some more drinks?”

  I went into the kitchen and took out the strong stuff. I took out the martini glasses, but then said fuck it; I took the long glasses instead. I made three very strong pomegranate martinis and filled the glasses up to the brim.

  “Hey DeeDee, would you mind helping me?” I asked as Jamar headed to the bathroom. I waited for the sound of the door closing before freaking out.

  “I don’t think that I can tell him. Did you hear how he was talking, my baby this, and my boo that? There’s no way I can deliver this blow.”

  DeeDee looked at me as if she wanted to slap me. I was really freaking out. My hands were shaking and my heart was still beating out of control.

  “He has to know Jazzy, you gotta tell him. You saw that shit with your own two eyes, it’s not like you’re making it up, he has to know who he’s dealing with.”

  That shit was easy for her to say, she didn’t have to do anything but sit back and watch the fireworks.

  “Okay, okay, just help me bring these in.”

  We went back to the living room and waited for him to come out of the bathroom. I waited for both him and me to finish our drinks, and as the cigar wrapper inched its way closer to our flesh, I decide to speak or forever hold my peace. I started out by telling him about my time with Lanell, about the club we planned on opening, and then the anniversary dinner.

  “Damn, Jazzy, that dude really loves you. I can’t believe he wants to open a club with you, plus to name it after you; that’s so nice. You know I’m going to be there all the time, do Tyree and I get free drinks?” he asked while smiling from ear to ear.

  “What about me, you know I’m gonna be there at least twice a month, with or without Bobby?”

  “Free drinks for everyone,” I told both him and DeeDee. Now why did he have to add Tyree in the mix?

  “Guess who Jazz saw in Santa Barbara?”

  I could have killed DeeDee, but she must have sensed my reluctance to spill the beans.

  “Who, don’t tell me you ran into Tyree. He was there this past weekend working?”

  The room seemed to be closing in. I fidgeted with my shirt as he waited on my answer.

  “Well…who was it?”

  “I did see him, Tyree I mean. He was at the restaurant.”

  “Okayyyyyy?”

  It was more of a question then a statement. He could tell that everything wasn’t kosher by my tone and facial expression and he wanted to know what was up.

  “He didn’t tell me that he ran into you. He didn’t say anything rude to you did he?”

  I shifted in my seat as I waited for the right words to come to mind.

  “Ummm, no he wasn’t rude. As a matter of fact, he didn’t see me at all, but I did see him.

  “Okayyyy.”

  Again, he waited for more information

  “Well, I was talking to Lanell’s brother when I happened to look down and saw Tyree at the table with this girl…a pregnant girl. And he, well he, from what it looked like to me...”

  “What did it look like?” Jamar asked standing up.

  “I think that he was with her, like dating her.”

  I spit the words out so fast that I was surprised I didn’t get tongue tied.

  Jamar stared to laugh. I must have sound really crazy to him. Tyree with a girl, please, he was gay, he was his lover, his man, his love. But could he have forgotten about Ebony? I knew he didn’t, we were just talking about her. It had to be denial.

  “Maybe he was hanging with someone from work. You know that they do all type of movies now, maybe she was some pregnant freak that he worked with or something.”

  As he sat back down, I stood up and walked over to him with my phone in hand. I pushed play on the first video and as it ended, I played the next.

  “I know that it’s hard to hear but if you listen closely, you’ll hear her ask when he’s going to be moving down there, he tells her that he’s gonna put in his notice soon.”

  Jamar replayed both of the videos at least three times each. I watched as his hand clung to the phone as they uncontrollably trembled. His breathing was coming in faster and his eyes weld up with tears.

  “I’m so sorry, Jamar, but I had to tell you.”

  I was sitting on the arm of the chair as I wrapped my arm around his shoulder. I could feel the rage filled tremors that ran through his body.

  “Is that it?” he asked as he tried so desperately to keep himself together.

  “There are pictures too.”

  Jamar didn’t wait for me to show them to him, he went through my phone and looked them up himself. One by one he saw the love of his life, kissing, touching, and loving on the mystery girl. My heart hurt for him as the tears really started to fall.

  “How could that motherfucker do this to me? I gave him everything, and he told me that Ebony would be his last time, and now this?”

  DeeDee and I just sat there not knowing what to say. What do you say in this situation? He paced my living room fuming, disgusted, and ready to kill. We consoled him for the next thirty minutes or so but I don’t think that we were much help. After a while, we just sat back, smoked, drank, and listened.

  “You know what, fuck this? Fuck him, fuck our relationship and fuck love. I’m over this bullshit. I’m over crying for this no good motherfucker when he clearly doesn’t give a fuck, and that bitch is HAVING HIS BABY?”

  He half way yelled as he wiped his tears away. I watched him closely, trying to figure out if he was just putting on a show for us, trying to prove that he’s not some love sick puppy who was hurt and confused. I watched his eyes, his hands, and his body trying to find a lie, a hidden truth about his real emotions that he was maybe trying to bury. However, the scary thing is, I couldn’t find it. Yes he was upset and hurt but that was just on the surface, the expected. What wasn’t the norm was how fast he was to be able to shove the hurt aside and lean on the anger.

  “So, what are you two trying to do tonight, and please don’t say nothing ‘cause if I go home I’m liable to kill that nigga.”

  So we did what any good friend would do, we stayed with him, ordered in food, and got fucked up.

  *****

  I heard from Jamar every day for the next week and that night, he was going to a club appearance that was being held in the heart of L.A. with me. I had been on the phone with him night and day since I gave him the bad news. That really didn’t bother me, he was a friend who needed me, and I would be there at two in the morning or two in the middle of the day. What was bothering me was that I really hadn’t heard from Lanell. A call here and there but not like we used to communicate, I was used to hearing from him 3, 4, 5 times a day. Now it had been two full days since his last call, and I was losing my mind. I only had two days till I would go to Vegas and see him but I didn’t like this not calling business. I needed my Lanell fix so what did I do, I persistently called hoping that I would hear his voice.

  “Hey, I can’t talk, leave a message and I’ll get back to you.”

  Again, his fucking voicemail, I can’t take this shit.

  “So are you ready?” Jamar asked as he picked up my duffle bag. I nodded yes and was out of the door before my thoughts caught back up with me again.

  In the car, I asked Jamar how things were going at home. I need to talk to stop myself from thinking.

  “I still haven’t said anything to him. I feel like if I do, I’m gonna explode and stab him, or worse. I just need time to figure out how to handle things.

  “What, you gonna go to jail over some dude, please, dick ain’t worth all of that?”

  I said as I rolled my eyes.

  “This is no longer about dick; it’s about the betrayal, the dishonesty, and the knife in my motherfucking back. He walks around the house as if he’s not living a double life, like he doesn’t have a baby on the way with a fucking FEMALE.
Every time I look at him…I just wanna, I wanna fucking light him on fire.”

  I smiled as I watched Jamar white knuckled the steering wheel. That was the same feeling I had in the restaurant.

  “You must think I’m crazy, huh, talking about burning my man and all?”

  He caught me smiling and felt like I was judging him. He didn’t want me to see him like this but he couldn’t help it. When it comes to the matter of the heart, no one should be held accountable for the unstable thoughts that creep through their minds. In that state, we are all unhealthy, unbalanced, and incapable of making the right choices, but then again, what about the people who are able to stay calm. The ones who don’t let their broken hearts lead them down that slippery slope that is stained with blood, lined with dead bodies, decorated with fragments of traumatized hearts, and the keeper of the insane and the irrational mind. What about those people who left that road untraveled, and where were they, where did they hide, where was the sanity that housed their minds? How could I get it, see it, learn it. How could I find them so that maybe they could tell me what their secret was? How were they able to handle the hurt that had your insides feeling like it had evaporated? The hurt that actually gives you chest pains, as if all of the love you had to offer was dead and gone. Where were they, ‘cause I sure as hell never met them, never seen them, and didn’t understand them? So I listened to his rant and prayed that sometime soon, he would be the chemically balanced Jamar he always was.

  *****

  “Damn, girl this place is packed, are you nervous?” Jamar asked as he came into the tiny locker room that held half naked stripper who click-clacked in and out as their names were announced. I looked around and tried to wish myself to the Black Oasis. It was nothing like this hole in the wall. There I had my own dressing room, my own bathroom, and the dressing room there was nicely decorated.

  “Why are you looking like that, it’s not that bad in here,” Jamar said as he noticed the disgust in my eyes.

  Granted, it wasn’t that bad. It was clean and…and it was considered high class for a strip club. Truth be told, I would have been happy performing here a few months ago. It really wasn’t the hole in the wall I was making it out to be but compared to Vegas, it was trash.