Addicted

by Charlotte Featherstone

  The sound of water being poured in a basin reached her ears and she opened her eyes, seeing that Robert’s back was to her as he busily washed his hands. Taking a cloth, he dried them, then tossed the towel onto the commode before turning to face her.

  “You understand that I cannot say, with any reasonable certainty, what damage has occurred?”

  “Yes, I understand.”

  “The opening to the womb is closed and there doesn’t seem to be any further bleeding, which greatly pleases me—I was most worried about the bleeding—it lasted too long before. Your heart can not afford to lose more blood. But only time will tell us what the future holds.”

  “Must I still eat the kidneys and the rare beef? I truly cannot abide them. I feel ill just thinking about having to endure another meal of it.”

  “I’m afraid you must, for a few more months, at least. You bled significantly, Anais. You must restore the humors in your body. Your heart must have rich blood.”

  She nodded and swept her gaze from the window to him. “Of course, you are right,” she said with a smile. “I will take your advice. Tell me,” she murmured as Robert set his stethoscope to her breast, “did you speak of any of this to Garrett?”

  “He is my brother,” he said quietly as he pressed his ear to the tube where he could hear her heart beating. “He has been consumed with worry. Under the circumstances, I felt I needed to tell him. You are not cross with me, are you?”

  “No, of course not.” She looked away so that Robert could not see the deceit in her eyes. For some unfathomable reason she was miffed that Robert had discussed her with Garrett. But why? Was it because she worried that perhaps Garrett still held out some measure of hope? Did these past months spent with Garrett entitle him to know her most personal business?

  Witch, she chastised. Garrett had been nothing but kind and compassionate since Lindsay’s betrayal. Their friendship had grown and deepened and she had relied on him in the past months more than she had relied on anyone in her life. What a heartless soul she was to feel uncharitable toward him now. How could she when he had sacrificed so much for her?

  Lindsay…. The answer came to her in the blink of an eye. Would she be feeling any of these terrible emotions—thinking any of these cruel thoughts if he had not arrived home? She stirred beneath the sheets, her body becoming restless and warm. She had experienced such vivid dreams about him last night. She remembered seeing him standing inside her room, his hand outstretched to her as he implored her to reach for him, to trust him. She had wanted to trust him, had wanted so desperately to believe in him like she had before, but then she saw Garrett, standing below her dangling feet, waiting for her and she knew which man she could trust with her safety. That vision had been replaced by the one with Lindsay in her bed, touching her with beautiful hands and a hungry mouth. It had not been Garrett she had imagined loving her body, but Lindsay. It was always only ever Lindsay.

  When she had awakened from her dream, it was to find her maid, Louisa, sitting beside her, and to discover that she was not in her own bed, but that of Lindsay’s. Her house was gone, taken by the fire. She and her family were now dependent upon Lindsay’s family for shelter and the necessities of life.

  Lindsay, Louisa had informed Anais while she brushed her hair, had taken the servants under his wing, finding them shelter and seeing that they were fed. He had even gone so far as to order up numerous carriages to take the servants to their families for the holidays. The others, who had elected to stay on, and the ones who had no other family, he found shelter for in the available rooms in the servants’ quarters.

  “He is a very good man,” Louisa had said, beaming. “He offered me a carriage and a few shillings, but I could not accept, miss. My place is here by you. I only wish you had allowed me to travel with you to France. I might have been able to prevent you from becoming ill.”

  Anais had allowed Louisa to chatter on. Her sweet Yorkshire accent had filled her mind, driving out thoughts of Lindsay and the very great dilemma she now found herself in.

  “Garrett is waiting outside the door, Anais,” Robert announced as he folded his instrument and placed it in his bag. “Shall I bring him in—for just a moment? He hasn’t slept all night for worrying about you.”

  Anais cleared her head of the discussion with her maid. “Please.”

  Without preamble, Robert strolled to the door and Garrett rushed in, looking tired and tense. “How are you?” he asked, coming to the side of the bed and sitting down beside her. He reached for her hands and clasped them in his, squeezing them tightly. “My God, all I was able to see whenever I closed my eyes was the image of you falling from that window.”

  Anais placed a caring hand on the side of his face and ran the tip of her finger along the scar of his top lip. “I’m completely well, Garrett. I have heard that it is to you I owe my thanks.”

  He flushed and squeezed her hands in both of his before kissing the tips of her fingers. “No, say nothing of that. But—my God—” he said in a rush before clutching her about her shoulders so that he was embracing her tightly while pressing small kisses along her temple. “You gave me a fright, Anais. I’ve still not recovered from it.”

  “I’m well.”

  He set her back and looked at her while he held her hands. “You’re still pale, but you have more color to your cheeks than before. Are you positive you’re well? Robert,” he said, turning to his brother. “You’re certain that you’ve thoroughly examined her? You’ve thought of everything—checked everything?”

  “I have.”

  Garrett met her gaze and she saw a strange emotion flicker in his brown eyes. It was almost…she dared not say the word, but it crept into her consciousness anyway…hopeful.

  “I am very glad. I shudder to think about what might have happened if I had not decided to come by before church to check on you. I had to see you, Anais, to make certain there was nothing you needed. I thought…well, that is, I thought perhaps you might have need of me.”

  Anais squirmed beneath that forthright gaze, hating herself for the dream she had last night. As much as she wanted to believe she was not such a weak creature or at the mercy of her own sexual needs, she knew she could not deny the truth. Not with the actions of her past confronting her. She had been weak, and once again, it had been Lindsay who had stripped away her self-control. Even her dreams were not her own. They, along with her memories, belonged to Lindsay. And try as she might to forget him, she couldn’t.

  “The house is gone, you know. Burnt to the ground. Only the outbuildings survived. Weatherby’s stables are large enough to accommodate most of the horses. I had Lady brought here. I knew you would not want to be without her.”

  How very thoughtful he was. Anais wondered why she could not bring herself to admit that any woman with half an ounce of sense would jump at the chance to accept this man’s marriage proposal.

  “I hope you do not find me presumptuous, but with your father indisposed and your mother unable to…well, I think you understand your mother’s failings. I don’t need to speak of them, do I? Well, someone needed to take charge, and as we’ve become…close,” he said awkwardly. “Well, I thought it should be me.”

  He was so very good at taking up the reins of command. He was a good man, a handsome man. Why, why, why could she not bring herself to accept his suit? Why must she keep him waiting for an answer? Why was she being deliberately cruel to him? She had accepted what he’d offered readily enough, why now could she not give him what he needed?

  “I’m not sure if they’ve told you yet, but Raeburn has returned. He’s here in the house, Anais.”

  “Louisa told me. She says that he’s been organizing transportation for the staff who are desirous to go home for the holidays.”

  Mouth grim, Garrett nodded. “I am afraid you shall have to stay here at Eden Park with your family. Of course, I should prefer you to be in my home, but until…” He swallowed and looked to see where his brother was. “If,” he whis
pered for her ears only, “you agree to wed me, then it might be seen in a better light—with proper chaperones, of course—for you to reside with me. Until then, and given your father’s friendship with Lady Weatherby, it is reasonable that you would stay here until your father’s health improves and new accommodations can be found until the house is rebuilt.”

  “Of course,” she replied, fearing he was going to press for an answer.

  “We will need to discuss matters. We cannot put off our conversation forever.”

  “Robert cannot be certain that, that is to say, perhaps in another month we will know more—”

  “I was prepared to wait another month to allow you time to think about matters,” Garrett muttered, interrupting her with a firmness he had never used with her before. “But with Raeburn’s return, well, you must see we must make our decision.”

  “I am not feeling very well, I am afraid. Can we continue our talk later?”

  It was what she always said when she was afraid to disappoint him and terrified to commit to something she was not certain she wanted. What sort of wife would she make him? They had shared intimate moments together and he felt honor bound as a gentleman to offer for her. He wanted to marry her despite the fact she had never offered him more than her friendship and gratitude for easing the pain of Lindsay’s betrayal.

  Covering her with the blankets, he rose from the bed, kissing her atop her head while running his finger down her cheek. “I am here for you, Anais. Never forget that.”

  “You are very good to me,” she said, smiling into his troubled face.

  “But not good enough, it would seem.”

  She watched him walk away and cursed herself for hurting him. She should agree to marry him, to be thankful that he wanted her; that he was willing to do the honorable thing, but she couldn’t stop thinking, what if…

  “Good morning, sleepyhead,” Ann said as she peeked around the corner of the door. She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Garrett and Robert in the room. “Oh, beg pardon, am I interrupting something?”

  “Not at all, Lady Ann,” Robert said smoothly. “I was just finishing up my visit with your sister. Naturally my brother was worried for her and wished to see for himself that no harm has come to her.”

  Garrett nodded politely before letting himself out. He was followed by Robert, who closed the door behind him.

  “It’s about time you roused yourself,” Ann said, smiling as she walked toward her. “It’s Christmas morning. Surely you are not going to laze about in bed all day!”

  She had forgotten it was Christmas. Anais shook her head and attempted to clear the haze in her brain.

  “Lord Raeburn has returned home, you know,” Ann said coyly. “He’s been asking about you, almost every hour, in fact.”

  Anais blinked against the light streaming in through the windows and saw the image of her sister’s narrow shoulders outlined in the sun’s beams. “Papa suffered quite a wound to his head, but Dr. Middleton has assured us that he will recover completely. Mama is at his bedside even now. He was asking for you. He was quite distraught thinking about you trapped in your room.”

  Anais slid out of the covers and steadied herself with her hand against the wooden poster. “I should go to him.”

  “After.” Ann caught her about the waist and held tight. “First you must take care of yourself. You’ve had nothing to eat. You must be famished.”

  Anais felt the queasiness that always accompanied the dizziness surge up through her belly, and she feared her face had turned a ghastly shade of green. “I’m afraid I’m not up to eating right now.”

  Ann studied her quizzically. “Surely you must be starving. You barely ate anything yesterday and here it’s already past noon. You must at least have a bite of toast and a coddled egg.”

  The image of runny egg whites and rich yellow yolk made Anais retch. Wildly, she waved for the chamber pot. Ann reached it with no time to spare. What little contents remained in Anais’s stomach rose up with a vengeance and by the time she was done retching, she was left with the bitter taste of the laudanum that Robert had spooned down her throat the night before.

  “You’re an awful color, Anais. Lud, you’re the same shade of yellow wax that Lord Weatherby is,” her sister prattled on as she took the chamber pot from Anais’s shaking hands. “You won’t believe the site of him, his eyes are as yellow as lemons.”

  “Not now,” Anais whispered, wiping her mouth with the cloth Ann held out to her. She didn’t want to hear any reminders that they were now indebted to Lindsay’s father for food and shelter. She had too many things to think about. How would she prepare herself for that first glimpse of Lindsay since that dreaded night at the masquerade? How would she conceal the secrets she steadfastly clung to?

  No, staying here was much too dangerous. Not only were her secrets threatened by staying under the same roof as Lindsay, but her heart, as well. Despite everything that had happened, her damnable heart still beat for him. Why couldn’t it have beat for Garrett? Things would have been so much simpler then. But nothing had ever been simple where Lindsay was concerned. Anais feared it would always be like this for her. She was the type to love only once, and that love had always belonged to Lindsay. It still did, no matter how much she wished otherwise.

  “Shall I call for Louisa?” Ann asked. “Perhaps a warm bath will make you feel better.”

  “That would be nice.”

  Ann pulled the red velvet cord, ringing for the maid. “Geraldine went home. Lord Raeburn sent a footman to escort her into the village.”

  “That was very kind of you to allow your maid to return to her family.”

  “Mother was horrified, of course.”

  “Mother is self-absorbed. She looks only as far as the end of her nose. If Geraldine wished to return to her parents, then you were right to allow her, Ann. Now, what of the other staff?”

  “Most have gone home, to their families. Lord Raeburn has collected their locations so that they can be notified when to return. He’s also gone back to the house, or what is left of it. He brought a cart with him, but he was unable to salvage anything. It’s basically all ash. He’s really been rather good at organizing everything.”

  Yes. He had always been very good at that sort of thing. When it came to taking care of people, no one was more dedicated than Lindsay. Too bad he had never actually seen to taking care of himself.

  “After he returned from the house, he came back only long enough to change his clothes. Even now, I’m afraid, he is out waking the local architects from their warm beds. He’s determined to start rebuilding our home as soon as possible. What a gentleman he is, Anais.”

  Anais’s mind was swimming, not to mention her stomach was still reeling from her bout of nausea. She couldn’t seem to think straight knowing that at some future point in the day she would come face-to-face with the man she had loved all her life. What would she say?

  “What design should we encourage father to build? I am rather fond of the new gothic style. But then again, I am something of a romantic—”

  “Dearest, you’re prattling.” Anais shot her sister a placating smile. “Just give me a few minutes. It is somewhat daunting to awaken to memories of falling out one’s bedroom window and discovering that one no longer has a home in which to live. I fear I’m having some difficulty taking it all in.”

  “Sorry. I guess I forgot. I’ve had all night and morning to assimilate the happenings of last night. As the house is we are going to have to stay here until Aunt Millie arrives from Town and takes us back with her to live, but that won’t be till the holidays are over. How I wish Papa had not sold our town house,” Ann said with a sigh. “I’m afraid that I don’t really like it here.”

  Ann looked up into Anais’s face and kissed her cheek. “I’m so very glad that you have finally awakened. Mama has spent the entire morning with Papa and, well, Lord Weatherby has done nothing but grumble about the whole unexpectedness of our household descending up
on him. Lady Weatherby has been busy organizing her staff and overseeing preparations for Christmas dinner and I feel as though I’m only in the way. Frankly, there is no one about to talk to with Lindsay gone into the village. I was hoping you would soon awaken so that you could keep me company.”

  “Yes, dearest,” Anais said, lowering herself back onto the bed. “Perhaps I might do so now. Let me have my bath. And then after that we will figure out what clothes I shall wear—for I cannot go about wearing my night rail and wrapper—and then we will go together and see Papa.”

  Ann left in search of a servant to fill the tub, while Anais stood before the cheval looking glass that was beside a dressing screen. Untying the satin ties of her night rail, she let it slide down her shoulders until her large, swollen breasts were revealed. Her nipples were darker, more sensitive and perhaps a bit more plump than before.

  Atop her left breast was a purple bruise that marred her nearly translucent flesh. With a gasp, the memory of her dream came to her. Lindsay had sucked her there, lost in the throes of his climax. Her fingers shook as she traced the mark that had been left from Lindsay’s greedy, sucking mouth. Her knees felt curiously weak as she traced his mark with her fingertip. That beautiful dream had been real. He had come to her, and she had allowed it—welcomed him.

  Oh, God, how was she to face him this morning? How had she allowed herself to be intimate with him? This—Lindsay’s reappearance—was something she could not afford. Everything would be ruined if he discovered things about her and Garrett. And that was the one thing she would not allow. She could not allow Lindsay to come between her and her secret.

  Her gaze scanned the bruise once more and the dream came back, every vivid, beautiful moment. A memory she would clutch to her breast. A beautiful night that could never happen again. She had to promise herself that she would not weaken and allow him in. She must not.