The Adventures of Nanny Piggins

by R. A. Spratt

  The only thing was that Nanny Piggins had never used power tools before and it was only after they had got them all out and started using them, that she and the children discovered just how much fun they were. Sawdust and wood shavings were sent flying everywhere. Nanny Piggins and the children had completely destroyed their first batch of timber and were busily trying out the circular saw on one of the antique chairs from the dining room, when Mr Green caught their attention by loudly saying, 'Excuse me.'

  They turned to see Mr Green standing on the cellar steps, immaculately dressed in a tuxedo. He even had a fresh carnation in his button hole. Fortunately, the antique dining chair was now unrecognisable as ever having been a piece of furniture. So Nanny Piggins knew, unless he had just been in the dining room counting the chairs, he could not be angry about that.

  'Um, Nanny Piggins, I–um . . . how are you?' asked Mr Green.

  Nanny Piggins immediately knew he wanted something. Mr Green never went to the trouble of remembering her name unless he really wanted something. He usually never spoke to her at all. He just skulked in or out of the house without making eye contact. Nanny Piggins briefly considered running away but then it occurred to her that Mr Green wanting something could possibly be used to her advantage so, instead, she played along.

  'I am very well, Mr Green, and how are you?' she asked

  'Good, good, a touch of thrombosis you know, but I can't complain,' said Mr Green, complaining. It never occurred to him that Nanny Piggins could not care less how he was at all.

  'I do, however, have a slight social difficulty,' began Mr Green.

  'Oh dear,' said Nanny Piggins. 'Is it your teeth?'

  'My teeth?'

  'Nothing. Do go on,' said Nanny Piggins.

  'Yes, indeed,' said Mr Green. 'You see, the thing is . . .' began Mr Green again. For he was very bad at getting out information when he did not have the upper hand. As a lawyer, he almost always had the upper hand. He was usually either telling his clients offor telling other people offon behalf of his clients. He did not often have to ask for something so he was not very good at it.

  'The thing is . . .' he repeated. Even though he was asking Nanny Piggins for something, it did not occur to him that it would be more polite not to waste her time, '. . . my law firm is having their annual dinner tonight.'

  'That's nice,' said Nanny Piggins, although she secretly thought it would be the exact opposite. A room full of lawyers and lawyers' wives. She could not imagine anything more boring. As a former flying pig, conversations about managed funds and the best place to buy napkin rings were not Nanny Piggins' idea of excitement. And to have to eat dinner with such people would even take the pleasure out of the meal. Which was really saying something because Nanny Piggins was a pig. So if you think about how much you enjoy eating, then multiply that by a thousand, then add six, then times that by two and then do not eat for a week so you will be really hungry, you will begin to appreciate how much pigs enjoy eating.

  'The trouble is . . .' Mr Green continued, 'I was supposed to be going to this, er . . . dinner with Mrs Havershaw.'

  'Oh dear,' Nanny Piggins shuddered. 'You poor man.'

  Mrs Havershaw would have fitted right in. Last time Mrs Havershaw had cornered her, Nanny Piggins had thought she was going to slip into a coma. Mrs Havershaw spent forty-five minutes droning on and on about her dahlias. It was fifteen minutes before Nanny Piggins realised dahlias were flowers.

  'But she's just rung me and said that she can't come. Something about falling down a staircase and breaking both her legs,' explained Mr Green.

  'Really?' said Nanny Piggins. She secretly suspected that Mrs Havershaw had come to her senses and thrown herself down that staircase, having decided that two broken legs was better than being bored to death by a bunch of lawyers.

  'So I was wondering if you . . .' Mr Green paused here, clearly hoping Nanny Piggins would add two and two together and realise what he was getting at. Nanny Piggins did realise what he was getting at, but she wanted him to say it himself because she enjoyed watching Mr Green squirm.

  'If I would break her arms as well?' suggested Nanny Piggins.

  'If you would, in Mrs Havershaw's place, be so good as to come with me to this, er . . . dinner,' stammered Mr Green awkwardly.

  Now you have to understand, Mr Green was already wearing his tuxedo, the carnation was already in his button hole and it was already seven o'clock at night. He was clearly desperate. Nanny Piggins knew he had only hired her, a pig, to look after his children because he could not get anyone else. So to be asking her, a pig, to his firm's annual dinner, was really scraping the bottom of the barrel.

  'Don't do it,' Samantha whispered out of the side of her mouth.

  'Don't do it,' Michael said, out the front of his.

  Nanny Piggins did not need telling. She knew she did not want to go to the dinner. But she was interested to see what Mr Green would use to try to bribe her.

  'What will you give me if I agree to go with you?' asked Nanny Piggins.

  'Well, I rather thought you would agree as a favour, a matter of kindness, you know . . .' Mr Green always took ten times longer than necessary to say the simplest things. It was a trick lawyers used to bore people senseless, then make them sign things they should not.

  So Nanny Piggins interrupted him. 'I am not accompanying you anywhere as an act of kindness. If you want me to go with you, you will have to make it worth my while.'

  'I might remind you that you are my employee and, as such –' went on Mr Green.

  Nanny Piggins interrupted him again. She did not want to waste all night. If she was not going, she would rather get back to her circular-sawing.

  'Mr Green, it is precisely because I am your employee that it is entirely inappropriate for you to be asking me out on a date. I could sue you for harassment for even suggesting it. And call the three children to act as witnesses.'

  'Harassing a nanny, and a pig,' said Derrick, shaking his head sadly. 'Imagine how bad that would look in the papers.'

  Mr Green swelled up like a bullfrog and went bright red in the face as he struggled to think how best to refute this allegation. 'I never . . . To even suggest . . .'

  'We all heard you ask her out, Father,' said Derrick. He liked seeing his father squirm. He still had not forgiven his father for only giving him books for Christmas.

  Samantha and Michael nodded their agreement. They did not particularly like their father either. I know it is shocking to suggest that three healthy young children should not like their own father. But you must remember that they had very little to do with him. They barely saw him at all. And since they did not have enough money to afford a DNA test, they were not even entirely sure he was their father. In fact, they secretly hoped he was not and that there had simply been three terrible clerical errors at the hospital.

  'Yes, well, I can see that perhaps it would be better to make it a business transaction,' said Mr Green, realising that buying Nanny Piggins off was probably the simplest way out. 'What would you like?'

  'What are you prepared to give me?' asked Nanny Piggins as she tried to gauge how much she could gouge him for.

  'I don't know. A little trinket? Some jewellery perhaps? Flowers? Or maybe a new dress?'

  Nanny Piggins wrinkled her snout. 'You'll have to do better than that!'

  'What could be better than that?' asked Mr Green. All the women he knew would cut offtheir right arm for some jewellery. They would cut half a dozen other people's arms offas well if they had to. Nanny Piggins had him baffled. 'What could you possibly want? Cash? Or perhaps a savings bond?'

  'You can't buy me offthat easily,' protested Nanny Piggins haughtily.

  Mr Green mopped his brow. He was beginning to be a bit frightened of his nanny. 'Well, what is it you want?' he asked.

  'I want an extra large chocolate mud cake,' said Nanny Piggins boldly. 'Like the one in the window of the baker's shop.'

  'Is that all?' said Mr Green, considerably reli
eved.

  'And I want written on top, in pink icing, "To Nanny Piggins, thank you so much. I am eternally grateful for everything you've done. Yours Sincerely, Mr Green".'

  'It would have to be extremely small writing,' said Mr Green.

  'Or an extremely large cake,' countered Nanny Piggins.

  'Hmm . . . I see. I think I can arrange that,' said Mr Green.

  'Then you've got a deal,' said Nanny Piggins, holding out her trotter for Mr Green to shake. 'As soon as I've heard you ring the order through to the baker with your credit card number – and don't try giving him a false one because I have it memorised – I'll go and get changed.'

  She knew Mr Green would have no scruples about trying to get out of his side of the deal. Being a lawyer, he was professionally required to be morally bankrupt.

  * * *

  Mr Green had never understood why it took women so long to get dressed. This is because he was a very silly man of limited imagination. Applying make-up is essentially painting on your face. And it would be foolish to rush painting on your face, especially when you are going out to an important dinner.

  Nanny Piggins was an accomplished show business performer, so she knew that getting dressed was not a matter to be taken lightly. She was in the bathroom for a good hour and a half, using heating devices on her hair and applying a variety of creams, powders and pastes to her face in exactly the right quantities.

  Meanwhile, Mr Green waited at the bottom of the stairs having a nervous breakdown. The dinner was supposed to start at eight o'clock. And he was already half an hour late. You have to understand, Mr Green was fifty-one years old and he had never been late to anything before. Apart from when his wife was giving birth to Derrick and he promised to be there to be supportive. He was nine hours late that day, missing the whole birth entirely. But he'd had an emergency at the office. There had been a jam in the photocopier, and so he thought his absence was entirely justified.

  He preferred to turn up to everything early so he could be mean to people who were late, or even just on time. So he had no idea how his bosses were going to respond to him being late for the company dinner.

  When he heard his children yelling, 'She's coming, she's coming!', he was already transported into a state of euphoria, even before he looked up to see the amazing vision of loveliness at the top of the stairs.

  You do not get fired out of a cannon for years without learning a thing or two about catching the eye. Nanny Piggins knew how to make herself a sight to behold. She wore a long, flowing silver sequined gown that seemed to reflect back every light in the house tenfold. She also looked taller, partly because her hair was painstakingly coiffured perpendicular to her head in every direction. And partly because she was wearing a dozen long peacock feathers strapped in a band around her scalp.

  And some mention must be made of her face, because it was truly impressive. She had blotted out every trace of her natural features using pig-toned make-up and then redrawn all her features so that they looked slightly prettier than they had looked before. The effect was disconcerting and yet attractive.

  Mr Green had never seen a more beautiful-looking pig. 'Why, Nanny Piggins, you look . . .'

  But Nanny Piggins interrupted him. 'A-a-ah, Mr Green. Remember I still haven't completely abandoned the idea of suing you for harassment, so you had better not say anything that might incriminate yourself.'

  Mr Green nodded, seeing the wisdom in this statement. He then led Nanny Piggins to the door. Nanny Piggins turned to speak to the children before she went out.

  'You look beautiful,' Samantha told her.

  'I know,' agreed Nanny Piggins. 'Beauty has been a lifelong burden of mine. Even butchers sigh when I pass, but that's beside the point. You three are going to have the house to yourself all evening. So be sure you make good use of the time. I expect the house to be a mess and at least one piece of furniture to be broken by the time we get back. And if you are not still awake when we get home I shall be bitterly disappointed in you all. So enjoy yourselves and have as much fun as possible while we're gone.' With that, Nanny Piggins kissed them each good bye before disappearing into the night with their father.

  'Do you think she will be all right?' Samantha asked Derrick.

  'She'll be all right. It's Father who's in for it,' said Derrick because, when all was said and done, he was the oldest and the wisest.

  * * *

  By the time they got to the dinner, Mr Green and Nanny Piggins were one hour and five minutes late. And yet Mr Green still paused before entering the banquet hall to give Nanny Piggins last minute instructions on how to behave. 'Now, er . . . Miss Piggins,' he said, 'there will be some very important people present at the dinner this evening.'

  Nanny Piggins just rolled her eyes.

  'The senior partners for example shall all be in attendance. Isabella Dunkhurst, in particular, is a woman who is – how can I put this – frightening. So you had best not talk to her. Or indeed anyone. If you could remain completely silent for the next three hours that would probably be the best approach,' concluded Mr Green.

  'The deal was that I got the mud cake if I came. You didn't say anything about me having to behave,' said Nanny Piggins.

  'Well, I thought that was obviously an implied part of the deal,' began Mr Green.

  'Tsk, tsk, Mr Green,' said Nanny Piggins. 'A lawyer should know better than to assume something is implied. You should have included it in the small print of our deal. It's too late now.' With that Nanny Piggins switched on the flashing fairy lights in her headdress, brushed past Mr Green and walked into the banquet hall. She was too hungry to stand around getting lessons in manners.

  * * *

  The dinner did not go at all as Mr Green had planned. Nanny Piggins was completely silent for the first fifteen minutes as she wolfed down all five courses of the meal. Both her own and Mr Green's servings. He was too horrified to be able to eat anything. Then she immediately set to work making friends.

  It turned out there was something much worse than Nanny Piggins upsetting Isabella Dunkhurst. And that was Nanny Piggins and Ms Dunkhurst becoming buddies. Nanny Piggins struck up the friendship by challenging the veteran lawyer to a drinking contest. Having downed a bottle of lemonade in a quarter of Ms Dunkhurst's time, Nanny Piggins proceeded to teach her new friend 'Issy' to tap dance on the head table. The rest of the evening was a blur.

  Within half an hour of their arrival, Nanny Piggins had all the assembled lawyers up on their feet and dancing with her. These were people who had never before danced in their lives. Even as three-year-olds they had refused to do the hokey pokey because they did not want to look undignified.

  Mr Green tried to keep up with Nanny Piggins because he did not want to look like a bad sport. Particularly when all the senior partners obviously thought she was tremendously good fun. The problem was that it's hard not to look like a bad sport when you are a bad sport. Mr Green got separated from the party when they were en route to a nightclub and Nanny Piggins demanded that the taxi stop so they could do a semi-nude run through the park.

  Mr Green had got out of the taxi and was trying to be a joiner. But it took him so long to get his socks off that his colleagues were streaking off into the darkness before he was even half undressed. He sat on his own, waiting for them to return, but when they still had not come back an hour later, he dressed, got in a taxi and went home.

  There he sat and waited in his study, dreading to think of the damage to his career Nanny Piggins would cause.