The Adventures of Nanny Piggins

by R. A. Spratt

  The children did not really understand but they said yes anyway, because they sensed that the least they could do was be supportive.

  They held their breath as they listened to the Ringmaster creep down the stairs. The children did not know what to expect next but they assumed the Ringmaster would yell angrily and threaten them with a big stick. That is what their father would do and they assumed all wicked men were much the same. So it came as a complete surprise to them when the door swung open and the Ringmaster burst in with a big smile, saying, 'Sarah Piggins! Darling, where have you been? I've been so worried.' He then took Nanny Piggins in his arms and kissed her twice on each cheek.

  The children looked at Nanny Piggins in open-mouthed awe, waiting to see what she would do. And of course, being Nanny Piggins, she did not disappoint them. She stomped hard on the Ringmaster's foot, saying, 'I have never seen you before in my life. I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about.'

  You had to hand it to Nanny Piggins, she was never cowardly when it came to inventing an alternative to the truth.

  'Sarah Piggins, how can you say that when we have worked together for so many happy years?' protested the Ringmaster. Still smiling, even as he rubbed his crushed toes.

  'Sarah Piggins?' said Nanny Piggins. 'My name is not Sarah Piggins. My name is Katerina Mueller-stock.'

  'Sarah Piggins, really,' said the Ringmaster, wagging his finger at her as though she was just a naughty little girl and not a fully grown pig with a genius for deceit. 'I think I know the world's greatest flying pig when I see her.'

  'Sarah Piggins . . . Sarah Piggins . . .' mused Nanny Piggins. 'That name is vaguely familiar. Now where have I heard it before?' She rubbed her snout as she pondered this. 'I do have an identical twin sister called Sarah Piggins. And I seem to recall that she decided to pursue a career in flying. That must be it. You must have mistaken me for my twin sister. I'm terribly sorry I stomped on your foot. If I had known you were a friend of my sister's when you broke into our home and burst in upon us, I would have merely given you a nipple cripple.'

  'Your twin sister?' said the Ringmaster. 'What an amazing story. Of course it is impossible to prove whether or not it is true.'

  'Not even with DNA testing,' said Nanny Piggins, for she had read a lot about genetics. It is important to know what is scientifically possible when you hide your identity.

  'But in a way, if I was a callous man,' said the Ringmaster with an evil glint in his eye, leaving them all in no doubt that he was a callous man, 'it would not matter to me whether you were Sarah Piggins or Sarah Piggins' twin sister. If you are an identical twin then you would have the same weight, size and shape. So you would be just as good at being fired out of a cannon.'

  'But you can't force someone to do something they don't want to do!' protested Derrick.

  'Oh yes I can!' exclaimed the Ringmaster. 'Especially when they have signed an exclusive, binding fifty-year contact!' With that he whipped a bundle of papers out of his pocket and showed them to the children. It clearly had 'Exclusive, Binding Fifty-Year Contract' at the top and Nanny Piggins' distinctive signature at the bottom.

  'According to the terms of the contract,' said the Ringmaster as he took out his reading glasses and read from the papers, 'I am legally entitled to scoop Sarah Piggins up, put her in a sack and drag her back to the circus whether she wants to come or not.'

  The children looked at the small print and this was indeed what it said. Circus contracts are notoriously broad.

  'How unfortunate for my sister that she did not seek legal advice before signing such a criminally insane contract,' said Nanny Piggins. 'Indeed, knowing how cunningly ingenious my sister is, I can't help but wonder whether her chocolate cake was drugged to make her sign.' Nanny Piggins glared at the Ringmaster meaningfully.

  'Sadly it is very hard to prove whether a chocolate cake was drugged years after it was eaten,' said the Ringmaster. 'The fact is I need a flying pig. Attendances have been down since she ran away. Even replacing that stupid ballet-dancing bear with flamenco-dancing flamingos didn't draw bigger crowds.' (The curtains twitched as he said this because Boris was standing behind them shaking with rage.) 'I am not going to rest until I have a flying pig.' With that, the Ringmaster marched to the door. 'Good-day, Katerina. I shall return this evening at eight pm. Please be packed and ready to leave.' Then, with a dramatic flourish, he bowed, spun around, put his hat on and left. Circus folk know how to leave a room.

  'What are we going to do?' wailed Samantha.

  'You can't go back to the circus. You just can't,' protested Michael.

  'I can't believe he didn't want me back as well,' sobbed Boris, still behind the curtains.

  'I thought you didn't want to go back?' said Michael.

  'I don't want to go back. But I wanted him to want me to go back,' weeped Boris. Samantha hugged his leg kindly.

  'Do you think he really believed you were your own twin sister?' asked Derrick.

  'I don't see why not. Never underestimate the stupidness of a stupid person,' said Nanny Piggins.

  'I thought you said he was a cunning genius?' said Samantha.

  'Even cunning geniuses can be stupid sometimes,' said Nanny Piggins. 'In fact they are often more stupid than ordinary people. Look at Einstein. He came up with the theory of relativity. But he was too stupid to get a haircut.'

  'The Ringmaster didn't even care if you weren't you. He was threatening to take you anyway,' wailed Samantha.

  'Yes, I picked up on that. There are no depths circus folks won't sink to,' said Nanny Piggins.

  'But you're a circus folk,' pointed out Michael for the second time.

  'I know,' admitted Nanny Piggins, 'and I am ashamed to admit this. But I, too, have used my circus powers for evil.'

  'How?' asked Derrick, scandalised but excited as well.

  'I once had myself fired through an open window at the cinema just so I wouldn't have to pay for the ticket,' confessed Nanny Piggins.

  'Oh gosh!' said Samantha.

  'I know, I'm not proud of it,' confessed Nanny Piggins. 'Although I am proud of my landing. I did a perfect somersault into an empty seat in the middle of the back row. I didn't disturb anyone, unlike those people who actually walk in front of people to get to their seats.'

  'What are we going to do about the Ringmaster?' asked Derrick.

  'Don't worry,' said Nanny Piggins. 'I have a plan.'

  'Already?' exclaimed Michael, deeply impressed.

  'Oh yes,' said Nanny Piggins. 'I can regale people with anecdotes from my sordid past and think at the same time.'

  Apparently Nanny Piggins' plan involved going shopping because, without any further explanation, she ushered the children and Boris into Mr Green's car (after getting the key out of Mr Green's desk by forcing the lock with a sledgehammer) and drove off in the direction of the markets. Fortunately Mr Green's car had a sun roof, so even though he was 10 foot tall, Boris was able to comfortably sit in the front seat. The suspension just sagged a bit on his side.

  The markets were of the large, covered variety. There were hundreds of stalls selling everything from imported T-shirts, guaranteed to both shrink and fall apart the first time you wash them, to electronic games that only took the most inconvenient-sized batteries, to jellied eels. If it was not for the imminent kidnapping of their beloved nanny, the children would have enjoyed having a look around. But on this occasion they were not allowed that luxury.

  'Spread out and start looking,' Nanny Piggins instructed.

  'For what?' asked Derrick.

  'Trust me, you'll know,' called Nanny Piggins as she disappeared behind a display of overpriced soap.

  Boris and the children looked at each other for a moment. 'We'd better do as we're told,' suggested Samantha.

  And so they did. They split into two groups. Derrick searched with Samantha and Boris searched with Michael. None of them had any idea what they were doing. But since this was so often the case, they were not particularly unc
omfortable with the arrangement.

  A short time later Michael and Boris had inadvertently wandered into the fresh food section of the markets when they heard the sound of Nanny Piggins' voice.

  'Get your broccoli here! Lots of healthy broccoli! If you don't want to die of bowel cancer, get your broccoli here!' called Nanny Piggins.

  'That sounds like Nanny Piggins, but it doesn't sound like anything she would say,' said Michael. He had never known his nanny to praise the health benefits of vegetables before.

  'Let's go and have a look,' said Boris.

  So they walked towards the sound of Nanny Piggins' voice. She was saying more strangely uncharacteristic things like, 'Lots of lovely carrots! Good for your eyesight, even better for your bowels! Take them home tonight!'

  Then, up ahead, they saw her. Nanny Piggins was standing in front of a stall and selling fruit and vegetables to passing shoppers.

  'Sarah, what are you doing?!' exclaimed Boris, concerned that his sister had lost her mind.

  Nanny Piggins looked Boris up and down. 'I have no idea who you are,' she said rudely, 'but you're are very big and fat, so please move. You are blocking the view of my customers.'

  Boris promptly burst into tears. He was not really overweight. All bears are big-boned. Especially ones that are 10 foot tall.

  'Don't be mean to Boris,' scolded Michael as he patted Boris' hand.

  'You can run along as well. Children never buy fruit and veg. They always waste their money on chocolate,' said Nanny Piggins contemptuously.

  'Have you been hit on the head? Or suffered a stroke?' asked Michael, not meaning to be rude but genuinely concerned that something had gone wrong inside Nanny Piggins' brain. He had never known his nanny to be mean before.

  'Suffered a stroke indeed! I've a good mind to give you a stroke across the backside. Now clear off out of here!' said Nanny Piggins.

  'Sarah Piggins! What's got into you?' wailed Boris. 'Has stress driven you insane?'

  'I have no idea what you are talking about. My name is not Sarah Piggins. I am Katerina Mueller-stock. I've never known anyone called Sarah Piggins in my life. Except for my morally bankrupt twin sister, who works as a flying pig in the circus. But she's probably dead by now because she never ate any vegetables,' said the pig.

  'Oh come on, give it up, Nanny Piggins, there's no use pretending for us. We know you don't really have a twin sister,' said Michael.

  'What a rude little child you are. I bet you never eat any fruit, do you? You're probably older than you look because your growth has been stunted by a poor diet,' she said.

  Now Michael took exception to this. He was a little on the short side, but he believed that was because he had been hit on the head by a falling dictionary as a small child.

  'There's no need to be mean to the little one,' argued Boris.

  'He wouldn't be so little if he had more vitamins in his diet,' she said.

  Then, just as Boris drew breath to start yelling at her in Russian, their argument was interrupted.

  'Katerina, we meet again,' said a voice behind them.

  Boris and the Michael turned to see . . . another Nanny Piggins standing right there.

  'Aaahh!' screamed Boris because he was Russian and a ballet dancer, so he was twice as emotional as most bears. 'One of them is a robot clone of Nanny Piggins! We'll never work out who is the real one.'

  Nanny Piggins (the one who had just arrived) stomped hard on Boris' foot.

  'It's all right,' said Boris, immediately calming down. 'She's the real one. I'd know that stomp anywhere.'

  'Allow me to explain. Katerina is my identical twin sister,' announced Nanny Piggins.

  'You mean there are two of you?' exclaimed Michael.

  'No,' said Nanny Piggins. 'There are fourteen of us.'

  Nanny Piggins took a crumpled old photograph out of her pocket and showed it to them. It was a picture of a very attractive looking middle-aged pig, with fourteen identical baby piglets all crowded around her. 'You see, there's me, there's Anthea, Beatrice, Abigail, Gretel, Deidre, Jeanette, Ursula, Nadia, Sophia, Sue, Charlotte, Wendy and there's Katerina.' Boris and the children stared hard at the photograph.

  'But you all look exactly the same,' pointed out Derrick.

  'Of course we do,' said the pig. 'We're identical fourteentuplets. It's quite common in pigs, you know.'

  'Do we really have to have a family reunion in front of my stall on a market day?' asked Katerina rudely.

  'Yes, we do,' said Nanny Piggins. 'Because I have a proposition to put to you.'

  * * *

  Later that night, at exactly eight o'clock, the Ringmaster returned to the house. He did not bother to knock on the door. He climbed in through the upstairs bathroom window as a matter of course. But Samantha had been on the look-out so they were not at all surprised when he burst into the living room declaring, 'Good evening!' In fact it was he who was surprised upon seeing Nanny Piggins sitting next to her identical twin. 'My goodness! Two flying pigs! I'm going to make a fortune!'

  'No, you are not,' said Nanny Piggins firmly. 'You'll get just one flying pig and only if you agree to certain conditions.'

  'What conditions?' asked the Ringmaster.

  'We'll get to those later. First of all I should explain. I am the real Sarah Piggins,' said Nanny Piggins.

  'I knew it,' said the Ringmaster triumphantly.

  'I shall not be returning with you. Partly because I have a much more important job looking after these children.' Nanny Piggins smiled at the children. 'But mainly because I don't want to. And you can't make me because I've consulted an astrologer and she assures me a contract signed by a three-year-old piglet is not legally binding.'

  'I don't see what's in this deal for me,' said the Ringmaster, grumbling.

  'I'm getting to that. I don't want to be a flying pig anymore. But my twin sister, Katerina Mueller-stock, does,' said Nanny Piggins.

  'Really?' asked the Ringmaster, genuinely surprised, because he would never agree to be fired out of a cannon for all the money in Switzerland.

  'But only,' continued Nanny Piggins, 'if you allow her the opportunity to educate the world about the benefits of eating vegetables.'

  'Are there any benefits?' Michael whispered to Boris. Boris just shrugged his shoulders.

  'But how?' asked the Ringmaster.

  'Katerina is willing to be fired out of a cannon and sent hurtling through the air in front of thousands of people on the condition that, as she does this, she can have a sign painted on her side saying, "Eat more vegetables",' explained Nanny Piggins.

  'It is my motto, my mantra and my life's work to spread this message,' explained Katerina. 'I am quite willing to risk my life to spread the word about the importance of a high-fibre diet.'

  'A flying pig with an important health message painted on her side,' mused the Ringmaster. 'Th at is bound to get a lot of publicity from the newspapers. I agree to it all!'

  The Ringmaster and Nanny Piggins shook hands on it. Then the Ringmaster gave Katerina two kisses on each cheek. And then Katerina gave him a hard stomp on the foot. (Like Nanny Piggins, she had been raised properly.) This did not deter the Ringmaster at all. He was delighted by his feisty new flying star.