The Old Garden

by Hwang Sok-Yong

  “You’re not my enemy, so don’t worry.”

  He grinned widely and began eating. I said casually to him, “I am a married woman.”

  He held his utensils in midair. He raised his head slowly and looked at me.

  “Therefore . . . ?”

  “I also have a daughter.”

  He did not say anything, he just kept eating, which made my confession to him a little pointless. Since I had started before he had, I was done before he was. As I tried to get away as slyly as possible, he grabbed his tray, even though he was not done, and followed me.

  “I need to ask you a favor . . .”

  As I walked out of the cafeteria and headed toward the library, he pulled me over to a bench.

  “I have lots of books to read. I need to write papers.”

  “The studio is not too busy these days, right?”

  “Yeah, I’m not accepting any students until winter.”

  “Would it be possible for me to use your studio as a gathering place for my friends?”

  I did not have to ask any questions; I knew what it was all about.

  “If it is for a study group or something like that . . . But I am going to tell you right now, I’ll be out, or even if I’m there, I’m not going to play hostess. You bring what you want to eat or drink.”

  “Thank you. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

  With that he got up and left.

  It felt like there was more room to breathe on the university campus than before, and the battles of the previous semester had settled down during the summer vacation. Still, as soon as the new semester started, something was stirring on campus again.

  On Saturday, I was studying at the library until late and left school after the sunset. I called my mother’s house and got onto a bus headed there. The Harvest Moon Day was approaching, but I could not remember the last time I had seen Eun Gyul. I stopped off at a supermarket near the house to buy dried yellow corvinas, my mother’s favorite fish, and also chose a few new clothes for Eun Gyul from a clothing store next door. Did I not even have time to go shopping at a nice department store for my own daughter? I think I spent those days not looking ahead, not even an inch. I somehow managed to attend classes, but I did not paint, and I did not make enough money. My heart began to race when I saw the blue gate and outdoor lighting of our house. I felt like a prodigal daughter returning from far away after committing many sins. When I pushed the doorbell, I heard a bird chirping, followed by my mother’s low voice.

  “Who is it?”

  “It’s me.”

  The door opened, the light in the entry hall came on, and my mother and her live-in maid appeared almost at the same time.

  “Come on in. I think I was about to forget what you look like.”

  “How’s Eun Gyul . . . ?”

  From the living room I heard her voice, calling Mommy, Mommy. As we entered, Eun Gyul called for mommy with her mouth but stumbled backward and hid behind the maid. Me being me, I did not want to make a fuss in front of my mother, so I just stood there as I was prone to and watched her for a while.

  “Eun Gyul, come here!”

  I opened my arms wide, but she clung to the maid’s skirt and buried her face. My mother mumbled, “You two are exactly the same.”

  The maid picked up Eun Gyul and put her in my arms, and I kissed her. Around that time Eun Gyul was able to utter simple words such as Mommy, bye bye, pretty and no, and the moment I kissed her she turned her head and pushed away my lips with her cheeks, clearly saying, “No, Mommy.”

  I held her tight for a while as I paced around the room. I felt her little heart beating and I thought of the time when she was still inside me. My mother had always been an unflinching person, so she pretended not to notice us as she looked out the window and then found the shopping bags that I had brought. She opened them, inspected the fish, and unfolded the clothes for the child.

  “Mommy brought you some pretty clothes, Eun Gyul.”

  My mother changed her into the new clothes while I just kissed her over and over again, trying to appease her. After getting dressed in her new clothes, Eun Gyul seemed more comfortable, and she laughed and smiled, just being her adorable self. After dinner, however, she went to the maid, who she was more used to. My mother and I remained in the kitchen.

  “Is it more comfortable for you to stay away from home?”

  “It’s not necessarily a comfort issue. I need to concentrate.”

  “It would be better for you to rent a real house or an apartment, as I’ve told you so many times.”

  “But I need to paint. I like it there.”

  “Jung Hee will be home soon.”

  “I didn’t call her.”

  “I called her to tell her that you were coming home.”

  My mother pulled my hands and scrutinized them.

  “These are not women’s hands . . .”

  She held on and stared at them for a while, then asked, as if it just occurred to her, “That man . . . Have you heard anything about him being released?”

  “No. I did send a few letters, but I don’t think he received them.”

  “He doesn’t know . . . about her, then.”

  “Mom, stop it.”

  I pulled my hands away from her and gestured for her to stop, showing her my palms. She proceeded carefully, studying my face.

  “I met that man, Lieutenant Park? The medical officer. He seemed to be a nice young man, so amiable.”

  I had heard from Jung Hee over the phone, so I just nodded.

  “He’ll be discharged soon, so I think they are going to get married sometime next year.”

  “He is a good guy. They seem happy together.”

  “And you . . . What do you want to do now?”

  “Finish my degree, find a job.”

  “I used to think that way, too, when your father was in the mountains. I thought I’d live by myself, work hard and raise you two. But he came back alive, and after living together for a little while, I couldn’t imagine ever doing it all by myself. I could not work out how on earth I thought I could do it.”

  “Wasn’t Father a burden?”

  “What are you talking about? The air in the house is different when the man of the house is there.”

  I was reminded of something I had not thought of in a while, so I told her.

  “If formality is important, I can get married, too.”

  “What? With whom? How?”

  “Obviously we can’t have a wedding, but we can still get a marriage license, even when he is in prison.”

  “No. Never. A lifer has the chance for his sentence to be reduced only after twenty years or so, that’s what I heard.”

  My mother counted with her fingers.

  “It has only been three years. Life does not have to be so difficult. You don’t have to do that. Do you love him that much? You can’t forget him?”

  I laughed.

  “I don’t know. I can’t even picture his face anymore. Just leave me alone.”

  The doorbell rang, and Jung Hee came in with the maid.

  “You’re home, Yoon Hee!”

  “You don’t have to work today?”

  “Off duty today. Where’s Eun Gyul?”

  The maid answered, “She just fell asleep, still wearing her new clothes.”

  “New clothes?”

  “Your sister got her some as a present for the holiday.”

  Jung Hee sat down between my mother and me.

  “Wow, what happened to you, Yoon Hee? You don’t usually do that sort of thing. I also went shopping today and got her a few things from the department store.”

  My mother and the maid went to bed, but Jung Hee and I remained in the kitchen, sitting by the kitchen table and talking about things we hadn’t had a chance to talk about lately. Maybe because she was working now, Jung Hee seemed more mature than I was in many ways. She was responsible and calm, and she knew how to listen. But what I liked best about her was that she did not pos
sess the ignorant prejudice of many professionals.

  “Do you know Song Young Tae well?”

  “A little. He is a friend of Park, so he’s not a stranger. Didn’t I call before to tell you that he asked where your studio was? I thought I had told you a few things about him.”

  “Yeah, you did. He was in my year, did you know that?”

  “He’s considered a mutant in his family. Apparently he did pretty well at school before he got involved in all that.”

  “I can imagine. Why did he go to prison?”

  “After that atrocity in Kwangju, he led the first protest in Seoul. He doesn’t look like someone capable of doing such things, does he?”

  “We had a huge fight.”

  “Why? Was he rude?”

  “You know me. I cannot stand people feigning and posing.”

  “I did hear that his family owns numerous buildings in Kangnam. Did he act as if he was better than you?”

  “No, it wasn’t that bad. He can be quite charming sometimes.”

  Jung Hee seemed relieved.

  “I thought . . . Do you like him?”

  “I don’t mind him. I don’t know how, but we are becoming friends. After all, both of us are older graduate students, so it’s a good thing. I need someone to bicker with.”

  Jung Hee’s face became serious, and she looked straight into my eyes.

  “Listen, Yoon Hee, I don’t want you to become too close to him, okay?”

  I smirked, “What are you talking about? You think I want him to be my boyfriend or something like that? He’s such a baby, he doesn’t know where his nose is. All he knows is how to memorize books.”

  “Yoon Hee, I’m sorry, he’s a good guy, but he’s a troublemaker.”

  “The whole place is full of troublemakers with good intentions. In fact, any young man with guts is a troublemaker.”

  “There are many people who do their job and live quietly, like me or Mr. Park.”

  “Even if you’re not actively involved in it, you should be interested and witness it. That’s how I feel.”

  “Ugh, I saw students clashing with the police during lunch hour. Tear gas exploding, Molotov cocktails flying . . . The police were hitting students with sticks, and their blood soaked their shoes. I am so sick of it.”

  “Jung Hee, I am thinking of visiting him before the Harvest Moon Day.”

  “Really? Of course, he’s still in there. But only family members are allowed visitation rights, isn’t that so?”

  I nodded weakly.

  “I know, but I still want to go. Who cares? If I can’t see him, I’ll deposit some money and clothes for him, I’ll learn what the building looks like, what the guards look like.”

  Jung Hee neither agreed nor disagreed.

  The next morning I got up and stayed in my studio. I was not doing anything, just sipping a cup of green tea, when the phone rang. I picked it up and heard the voice of Song Young Tae.

  “Hello? Miss Han? This is Song.”

  “What do you want so early in the morning?”

  “I told you I’d call today.”

  “Oh that. I have to be somewhere else today. But I can leave you the key.”

  “No, there’s no need. Today’s Monday? We’ll be there on Wednesday.”

  After I hung up, I remembered something and looked through my drawers. I had once met your sister when I went to watch your trial. She gave me a business card with a phone number for her office at the university where she taught. I found the card and called her office. Soon I heard her say hello. Her voice was deep for a woman’s.

  “Pardon me, but . . . this is Han Yoon Hee. How are you?”

  “Han, Yoon Hee? Ah, Miss Han!”

  Stammering, I told her I wanted to visit you, and she told me she had not seen you for almost a year. I asked her where the prison was, how to get there, and what your inmate number was.

  “I should go and see him too, but things are crazy before the holiday and I don’t think I’ll have time. How about this? Next time, let’s coordinate and go together. If you’re lucky, you two may get to see each other.”

  “Thank you.”

  After that, I had no choice but to actually go visit you at the prison. Suddenly there were lots of things to do. First, I went to a department store nearby and bought a couple of T-shirts with long sleeves and a thick winter sweater and a vest. I also got a couple of pairs of thermal underwear. The department store did not have thick winter socks yet, so I made a note to myself that I’d send some to you when your sister went for a visit.

  I took an express bus, then a cab to the prison where you were. It was located in a secluded neighborhood right outside of the city. A straight, paved road lined by poplar trees cut through the rice paddies and barley fields. The first thing I saw was a tall white wall. On top of the wall was a watchtower, and in the watchtower stood a man with a gun. There also was a large searchlight and a loudspeaker. In the middle of the white wall was a giant iron gate painted blue. I asked a young man in an army uniform where the visitor’s room was. I handed over my ID card, put on a visitor’s badge, and walked through. There was another wall inside and a sign for the visitor’s room. Inside the visitor’s room was a large space just like the waiting room at a hospital. There was a place to register, and there were people sitting on chairs and waiting for their turn, staring at each other. I stood in line to register.

  Finally it was my turn with the guard.

  “Please hand over the request form.”

  “I haven’t filled one out yet.”

  I was pushed to the side once again to fill out the form. There was a space for “relationship,” and I debated whether to leave it empty. Finally I wrote the word “friend.” I wrote your number and name, too. And then I got back into the line, and when it was my turn, the guard who had spoken to me before looked at me with clear eyes.

  “What is your relationship with Mr. Oh Hyun Woo?”

  “Just . . . A friend.”

  He smiled.

  “Are you his girlfriend?”

  “Well . . . Yes, yes I am.”

  I knew that when you were dealing with a government office or the military, the term “just a friend” did not exist. For them, there was a wife or a girlfriend, and there could be no other answer. It was fun to tease someone that his girlfriend had come for a visit, but a female friend would be too vague.

  “You do know that only family members are allowed visitation, don’t you?”

  “We are . . . engaged. Is that not good enough?”

  “I don’t know, that is not my jurisdiction. Why don’t you sit over there and wait a little while? I’ll get the person in charge.”

  I waited again. It was only after I sat down that I began to pay attention to the other people in the waiting area. There was an old woman holding her grandchild, her eyes red and sore like she had been crying for a while. There were young women dressed in tight pants and colorful shirts or short skirts, and a woman with a sunburnt face who had fallen asleep with her baby still suckling at her breast. Almost all of them were women. The visitation rooms were behind a door on the right side, and I assumed there was another corridor behind it. A guard was sitting in the front, and whoever’s name was called disappeared behind that door. Two women came out; the younger one was holding onto the wrist of a young boy about five years old, and suddenly she began sobbing loudly. The older woman cried with her and tried to comfort her by patting her back as she herself wiped away her tears with a handkerchief.

  “Miss Han Yoon Hee,” came from the speaker.

  I got up. A guard standing by the door next to the reception area gestured to me. I approached him, holding the shopping bags. His hat had a gold line around it, and he wore a badge with a single flower to show his rank.

  “Did you come to see Oh Hyun Woo?”

  “Yes, I did.”

  “Why don’t you come in here for a minute?”

  He took me to a little room next to an office. There were
an easy chair and a desk, and a framed woodprint of Daniel praying. Sitting behind the desk was a young guard with papers. It seemed like he was ready to record our conversation.

  “First of all, I must inform you that Oh Hyun Woo is an important political prisoner who broke the national security law, and no one but his immediate family is allowed to visit him.”

  “I do know that. But I am . . . how should I say it . . . I’m like his fiancée.”

  “But your relationship is not legally bound, is it? We never received any special orders or instructions.”

  “Would it be possible for you to deliver a letter or note from me?”

  “I’m afraid not.”

  He picked up a file from a desk and bent down to look for something.

  “Furthermore, an accomplice or anyone connected to the case is on the list of people who are banned from visitation. Miss Han Yoon Hee . . . Yes, here you are. You were arrested for harboring Oh Hyun Woo, were you not?”

  “Yes, I was investigated for a short period of time.”

  “I see here that your indictment was suspended. There’s really nothing more I can say.”

  I was not that angry or indignant, but tears rolled down from my eyes to my chin. I just felt powerless. I picked up the shopping bags and opened them. The paper bags crinkled.

  “Can I at least deposit these for him?”

  “Let’s see.”

  He turned the bags upside down and emptied the contents on the desk. He looked through every piece of clothing, from the sweater to the vest to the thermal wear to the long-sleeved T-shirts, and then handed me a request form.

  “Fill this one out. You have to list every item, including the size.”

  I wrote down each item carefully, as if it was a letter for you. While I was writing, he bent down and whispered to me.

  “After you leave, I’ll call Oh Hyun Woo over here and give him the clothes. I’ll also tell him that you were here.”

  In a flash, I felt there was a ray of sunlight. I paused and raised my head to look at him and found his eyes smiling warmly. The younger guard who was recording our conversation was not there anymore. Formally, our interview was over. When I gave him the finished request form, he remained seated and kept talking.