The Days of Redemption

by Shelley Shepard Gray

  Elsie’s grip on the phone cord was so tight, she was surprised the curly cord wasn’t tearing in half. So far, her call to the doctor’s office was taking far longer than she’d anticipated.

  The receptionist kept getting interrupted by people in the office, and then she kept making mistakes with the doctor’s schedule. It seemed no one could decide just how long Elsie’s visit was going to take.

  Through it all, Elsie tapped her fingers on the counter and looked at the open doorway furtively, praying for the family to give her some privacy and space.

  But that was what happened when a person had to make a private phone call in the middle of the busiest room in the house. Then and there, she vowed to herself to have the house phone installed somewhere far more private than the kitchen whenever she had her own home.

  At the moment, though, she had to make do with praying that the phone call would finish soon. It was bad enough that Amanda was standing again by her side. She couldn’t bear for anyone else to overhear her conversation.

  The receptionist’s voice came on the line, but it was a different one than the one she’d started with. “Elsie, this is Jennifer. I’m sorry but Alice had to help someone here in the office. Could you tell me why you called?”

  With barely controlled patience, she said, “I need to come in and get my eyes checked. Alice said I needed to call back this week.”

  After a faint rustle of papers and clicks on the computer, Jennifer asked, “I’m sorry. I can’t find those notes right here. Can you tell me specifically what is wrong?”

  Feeling half resigned and half frightened to death, Elsie answered. “I think my vision’s gotten worse.” She lowered her voice. “A lot worse.”

  “Headaches?”

  “Yes.”

  “Increased blurriness?”

  “Jah.” Elsie felt her pulse race. It was hard to be honest about the extent of her difficulties.

  “Anything else?”

  Elsie didn’t know if she had the right words to describe what was happening. It was as if her eyes had finally decided that they’d had enough of struggling to see. “I’m just having trouble seeing,” she said finally. “More than usual.”

  Now that she was being forced to explain her symptoms, Elsie felt her anxiety growing. Why had she waited to call?

  “Hold on one more time please,” Jennifer said, her tone now a bit more serious.

  As she held the phone again, Elsie watched the doorway. Then felt her stomach fall to the floor as little Regina walked in.

  “Hi, Elsie!” Regina said.

  Elsie waved, but put a finger to her lips, making a universal “shh” sign.

  “Do you want me to take her out?” Amanda whispered.

  “Jah. That is, if you don’t mind.”

  “Come on, Gina,” Amanda said. “Let’s go check on the horse for a few minutes before we have our snack.”

  Elsie breathed a sigh of relief when they left, just as Jennifer got back on the line. “Elsie, we just juggled some meetings around. Dr. Palmer can see you tomorrow at eleven. Will you be able to find transportation that quickly?” They were all used to her needing to find an English driver for appointments.

  Elsie wasn’t sure how she would arrange it that quickly, but she didn’t want to back down now. If she did, she wasn’t sure when she would have the nerve to pick up the phone and call again. “I will be there.”

  “We’ll see you then, Elsie.”

  When she hung up, Elsie realized that she’d become so anxious her hands had turned damp. She knew she was going to have to tell her parents about the doctor’s visit. They were going to have to help her pay for the driver.

  Mentally preparing her speech, she headed out of the kitchen, and to her parents’ room. She might as well just get it over with.

  She lightly knocked on her mother’s door before entering.

  Her mother was dressed, and sitting on top of her neatly made bed. She was reading a novel and had a vibrant teal and purple crocheted throw loosely thrown over her lap.

  For a split second, Elsie forgot her problems and simply gazed at her mother in happiness. It really was such a blessing that her mamm was recovering so well.

  She looked up with a pleased smile. “Hello, dear. Have you come to check up on me?”

  “Jah. But also to let you know that I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.”

  She set her book to one side. “With Dr. Palmer?”

  Throat feeling thick, Elsie nodded.

  Her mother frowned. “Gosh, I must have really lost track of time while I was sick. I thought your next checkup wasn’t for a few weeks.”

  Seeing the chance to be evasive, Elsie grabbed hold of it quickly. With a studied shrug, she said, “It snuck up on me too. But I guess we have had a lot of other things to occupy us.”

  “You’re right,” her mother said with a laugh. “Yes, I would say that we have had quite a number of other things on our minds besides eye checkups. So, who is going with you tomorrow?”

  “I thought I’d go by myself this time.”

  “All the way to Ashland? Definitely not.” She bit her lip. “I bet I might be well enough to go tomorrow. . . .”

  “Nee, Mamm. You are supposed to stay in bed, and that’s where you need to stay. I’ll see if Viola or even Aunt Lorene could go with me.”

  “I think Viola is working.”

  “Then I’ll go call Aunt Lorene right now. She cut back on her hours at the cheese store now that she’s married to John.”

  “Oh. Gut! Yes, do that, then call the driver service. I’ll tell your daed to make sure we have enough cash for you to pay the driver.”

  Elsie thanked her mamm and then went back to the kitchen.

  But this time, she didn’t get so lucky. Amanda and Regina had returned and were joined by Roman. Goldie was sitting at her brother’s feet, looking hopefully at the sandwich he was eating.

  Inwardly, Elsie sighed. She still wasn’t happy with her brother.

  She ached to turn right around but she had to call for a driver before they were all booked up. There was no escaping that.

  “Excuse me, but I need to make a phone call.”

  “Another one?” Regina asked. “Who are ya callin’ now, Elsie?”

  “The English driver service. I need to go to the doktah tomorrow.”

  “What’s wrong?” Roman asked.

  “Nothing. I’m merely going to the eye doktah for a checkup.” She was so tired of him trying to manage her, she added snidely, “Not that it’s any of your concern.”

  “Of course it’s my concern. You’re my sister.”

  “Yes, but that doesn’t mean you need to know all of my private business.”

  He looked at her strangely. “I thought we were talking about your eyes, Elsie. What’s so private about that?”

  What she was going through was much more complicated than simply her eyes.

  Deciding to ignore the question since she had no intention of answering, she looked through a drawer for the driver service’s phone number. Luckily, she found it easily, and the number was written large enough that she didn’t have to ask Roman or Amanda to tell her the numbers.

  Just as she began to punch in the numbers, Roman spoke again. “Who’s going to go with you? Do you need me to go?”

  His voice held genuine concern. She knew he cared about her, and she appreciated that. But she was tired of being treated like an invalid.

  “I’ll be fine,” she replied, neatly ignoring his questions.

  To her irritation, he took the phone out of her hand and put it back in its cradle, disconnecting the line. “Elsie, if you don’t want me to go with you, that’s fine. But someone needs to.”

  “Honestly, Roman . . . ”

  “Are you thinking of going alone?”

  She stared at him, wondering what to say. She didn’t want to lie, but she didn’t want to debate it, either.

  “I’m going with her,” Amanda said quickly.

>   To Elsie’s embarrassment, she stared at Amanda with as much surprise as Roman did.

  “Right, Elsie?” Amanda prodded.

  “Right. I mean, jah.”

  “What about Regina? What are you going to do with her while you’re in Ashland?” Roman asked.

  “I thought she could stay around here tomorrow. You said you’d be working in the barn, not out in the fields.”

  “I want to stay with you, Roman,” Regina said.

  Elsie exhaled, hoping her face wasn’t flushed from all the subterfuge. “Now that this is all settled, may I call for a car and driver now? Or, do you want to take care of that, too?”

  “You don’t need to make this so hard, Elsie,” he said before storming out of the kitchen.

  “Danke,” Elsie mouthed to Amanda before dialing the car service again. It looked like she was going to have some company after all. Which would be just fine, since it was Amanda. Amanda didn’t pry. And she might even have some advice to give her about Landon.

  Yes, things were working out just fine, she decided, just as the line connected and yet another receptionist asked her what she wanted.

  They were on their way. As their charter bus from Elite continued north on the interstate, Lovina pulled out her knitting, glanced at her husband, and wondered if he was having as difficult a time as she was. It wasn’t because of their accommodations. Their seats were comfortable and roomy, and the bus was only about half full, allowing everyone plenty of room to spread out and relax.

  No, it was their destination that weighed heavy on their minds. Hoping to infuse a bit of brightness into their conversation, she said, “In eight hours or so, we’ll be in Intercourse. I can hardly believe it.”

  “Me, neither.” Aaron looked as if he’d like to add something more, but didn’t.

  Lovina supposed that was natural. She felt tongue-tied, too. “Can you even think about anything but our families?” she asked.

  He shook his head. “All I can seem to think about is Laura Beth’s brother Karl. I keep imagining that seeing him in person is going to be worse than I can even imagine. I don’t know what he’ll think, seeing me after all this time.” He ran a hand around the base of his neck, obviously hoping to ease a knot in his muscles.

  “What could he possibly do? I mean, the accident was a long time ago. Almost a whole lifetime! Besides, it wasn’t your fault, Aaron.”

  “It was my fault to a certain extent, Lovina.” Turning to her, his blue eyes looked more troubled than ever. “I’m beginning to wonder if maybe over time, I’ve chosen to forget exactly what happened.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean that time can dull pain and blur the edges of responsibility,” he said cryptically.

  Lowering his voice, he leaned closer. “Lovina, what if over the years I’ve somehow twisted things in my mind? What if I made things seem less my fault than they actually were so I could live with the consequences?” His voice turned anguished. “Maybe I really did kill my family.”

  Lovina felt a chill race through her bones. She’d never heard Aaron talk this way.

  But she knew exactly what he meant. Years passing did take the edge off the worst memories. Perhaps a person’s mind and heart and soul had a way of dealing with difficult things in order to not feel so bad about them. After all, a person could shoulder guilt only so long.

  After that, it seemed a person ached to make things better, to move forward, if for no other reason than to be able to sleep at night.

  Spinning in her mind, too, was the awareness that Aaron had kept so much of his burden from her for decades. He’d chosen to bear his burdens all alone, and it had affected both his mood and his relationship with her and with their children. Thinking about his headaches, the constant aches and pains in his muscles, she guessed it might have affected his health, too.

  In an effort to make him feel better, she leaned close, so close that her lips were practically touching his ear, and whispered, “Come now, Aaron. You don’t really think that, do you?”

  Of course, she was prepared for only one answer.

  Had expected to hear it right away.

  But as she waited for his reply, as his silence stretched for what felt like hours, but must have been only thirty seconds at the most. . . .

  She began to fear the worst.

  At last he replied, his voice strained and harsh, but clear as day.

  “I’m not sure.”

  Hands shaking, Lovina placed her knitting needles on her lap and faced the window. Well, she’d asked for the truth. Too bad she’d naïvely assumed that it would be easy to hear.

  She closed her eyes and prayed for support as silence descended over them again like a thick, suffocating blanket.

  chapter eighteen

  It was becoming something of a routine, and Landon wasn’t happy about it. After securing his horse’s reins to the hitching post in front of the Keims’ house, he stood with his arms crossed and watched Roman stride toward him.

  “Roman, we’re too old to be playing these games,” he chided. “If you have a problem with me seeing your sister, you’re going to have to take it up with her. I don’t particularly enjoy going behind her back.”

  “I don’t have a problem. I mean I don’t anymore.”

  “Oh, really? What changed?”

  His friend looked chagrined. “I’ve got a wife who reminded me that I don’t know what’s best for everyone.”

  Bemused, Landon raised a brow. “Is that a fact?”

  “Well, there’s a fair chance she might be right.”

  “All right. Well, I’m going to pay a call on Elsie now.”

  “Wait a moment, wouldja? I actually came out here to ask a favor of you.”

  “And what is that?”

  “Elsie has an eye doctor appointment tomorrow. My wife, Amanda, is planning to go with her, but . . . I guess I thought if the two of you were really going to make a go at this, perhaps it might be better to have you accompany her.”

  The last of Roman’s stubborn attitude drifted away. “I know we’ve all been treating her like she can’t walk across the street by herself anymore.” Rubbing a hand down his short beard, he said, “And I fear Elsie tends to conceal her problems so we won’t worry. Maybe it’s habit?” He shrugged. “Anyway, perhaps for someone to go with her who has fresh eyes and can hear what the doctor says with fresh perspective? Maybe that’d be best for everyone.”

  “Have you discussed this with her?”

  “I’m only trying to make plans, Landon.”

  “Without Elsie, though. And I’m not going to be a part of that, Roman,” Landon said firmly. He already knew he wanted a long relationship with Elsie. There was no way he was going to start “managing” her or sneaking around behind her back.

  “So you’re too busy with work? Or you don’t want to get involved?”

  “Neither,” Landon said with barely controlled patience. “Neither. Listen, letting someone be independent means that you let them make their own choices.”

  “I don’t need a lecture. I’m merely trying to help my sister.”

  “Then I suggest you let her do the decision making.”

  Roman looked like he fought back a retort, but then his countenance changed. Maybe Landon was finally getting through to him.

  “If I go—and I haven’t said I would—I want you to know that I’m doing it for Elsie, not because you came over here and pressured me.”

  “That’s fine. Perfectly fine.” Taking a breath, Roman added, “Look, I know you think the lot of us are a bit crazy, and we probably are. But don’t let that work against my sister.”

  “I would never do that.”

  “We just want to make sure she’s taken care of, you know?”

  Landon heard the frustration in his friend’s voice. And he felt for him. Managing family members, especially siblings, was a tricky thing. After a certain age, they were almost impossible to boss around.

  Remembering years ago,
when Daniel had sprained his foot but refused to keep off it, Landon sympathized with Roman. It really was difficult to feel ineffectual around a person you cared about.

  “We’ll see if she’s open to me going with her.” Turning away, he pulled out an audio book. “Listen, since you’re here, I have a question for you, too. It’s a favor of a sort.”

  “What’s that?”

  Landon held out the audio book. “When I went to the library, one of the clerks told me about audio books. I thought maybe Elsie would like to listen to them.”

  “Listen, huh?”

  “I’m hoping you can get permission from the bishop for Elsie to use a small CD player. She already told me that it was really hard for her to read. If she got permission from the bishop, she would be able to listen to some books.”

  “I never thought about that.” Looking at the plastic case, he ran a hand along the cover. “You know—I’d forgotten, but when we were little she used to always have her nose in a book.”

  Landon was starting to wonder if Elsie hadn’t been the only person in her family to be living in a bit of denial about the seriousness of her condition. “It’s worth a try, don’tcha think?” he said lightly. “Elsie wants to be independent.”

  “I’ll ask the bishop this week.”

  “Danke. And now, I better go on in. I don’t want Elsie to think I’m showing up late.” He turned away before Roman could hold on to him for another reminder about the doctor’s appointment.

  Two knocks later, Elsie’s father opened the door.

  “Landon, it’s gut to see you.”

  “You as well.”

  “Elsie’s waiting for you in the front room.” He pointed to a well-lit, cozy-looking room. “You can go on in.”

  “Danke.” Relieved that her father wasn’t attempting to ask him a dozen questions, Landon walked directly back. The moment he saw Elsie, all his aggravation about her brother’s questions dissipated.

  She stood up when he entered the room. “You made it.”

  “I did.” Once again, he couldn’t help but stare at her. Today she wore a plum-colored dress with a black apron. She had on black stockings and black clogs. As usual, her white kapp stood out in contrast to her honey-brown hair.