Striving for Perfection (Striving Series Book 2)

by Mooney, B. L.

  “Why do you need an attorney?”

  I hadn’t expected that question. “What?”

  “Your phonebook was opened to attorneys. Why do you need one?”

  “Oh.” I had wanted to talk to Carl about the trip and finding Miguel, but I wasn’t sure what I was going to do once I got out of my contract. The road looked promising, but as I looked over at Amy, I knew I would miss this so much, too.

  “You’re not going to tell me?”

  I looked at him and decided it was now or never. “What are we doing, Carl?”

  “I don’t know what you mean.”

  “I want out of my contract with Hathaway. I need an attorney to make that happen. What happens when I go back out on the road?”

  He took a drink. “I’ll get you a good attorney.”

  “I can get my own attorney, but I would appreciate some recommendations.”

  He nodded and looked at Amy again.

  I placed my hand on his. “Carl, what happens when I go on the road?”

  “Amy will miss you.” He finally looked at me. “I’ll miss you.”

  I took my hand back. “So that’s it? If I go on the road, we’re over?”

  “Amy needs stability. I don’t want someone who comes in and out of her life.”

  I nodded. “What do you want?”

  He shrugged. “We could still meet up on occasion when you’re in town.”

  I scoffed. “Fantastic.”

  “You’re the one talking about leaving and you’re pissed at me? Don’t ask me questions you don’t want the answers to.” He got up and walked over to Amy.

  He was right. I did ask the question, but I didn’t think the answer would’ve been so hurtful. I was glad I drove my own car. I started gathering my things.

  “Hey, I’m sorry.” He looked at Amy before he sat back down at the table. “Follow us home. The girls are finishing their game and we’ll go. We can talk more after Amy goes to bed.” I set my purse down and nodded.

  Things were a little tense the rest of the evening until Amy went to bed. We were both on edge about a conversation that was required, but not necessarily wanted. I needed to know Carl could get past his wife, and Carl needed to know if I could leave the road behind. Nothing would be pleasant about any of that.

  “Well, she’s finally settled into bed.” He came up and hugged my waist, kissing my neck. “I’d like to be settled into bed, too.”

  I leaned into him a little, but I knew we needed to push through the conversation. “Which bed will we be going to?”

  His grip loosened and he eventually let go. “Our bed.”

  I turned and pointed to the guest room. “You mean the guest room.”

  “Yes. It’s never been a problem before.”

  “I understood and encouraged us to use that room for the first time, but I did think eventually we would be in your room.”

  He ran his hands through his hair. “No. That isn’t my room anymore.”

  “It is your room. You have the right to use it. I’m sure Joyce would want you to.”

  “Please don’t speak of her like that. You don’t know what she would’ve wanted.”

  “Would you want her to sleep on the sofa if it had been you?”

  “But it wasn’t me!” He looked up to Amy’s room and spoke softer. “It wasn’t me. It was her and this is the situation we’ve found ourselves in.”

  He took my hand and led me to the sofa. I looked at him before I sat next to him. “What can I do to help?”

  “I don’t need you to do anything.”

  I looked around the room and looked at the photos. “Do you even want to move on, Carl?”

  “There is no moving on, Rachael. There’s always an empty void in the center of my chest. It will never go away. If you can’t deal with that, then maybe the road is better for you.”

  That stung. “I understand she will always have a place in your heart, but people do move on. People can find love again and start over.”

  “Those people are afraid to be alone. I’ve been alone most of my life. My parents died and I took care of my sister, Tammy. She’s now off with some guy in another state. I married the one woman who managed to get into my heart and she died. Being alone is what I do best.”

  “You don’t even want to try?”

  He stood. “What besides not taking you to the master bedroom do you need me to do?”

  I looked at the photos again. “You keep bringing more old stuff out. It would be a start to put some of her things away and put new photos in their place.”

  He looked around the room and started taking down photos. “Fine. Is this what you want?” He was careless in his movements, rushed to get the job done. He stormed to the den and slammed the door when he returned. “We’ve had sex all over this house and not once have you asked to go to the master bedroom until tonight.”

  “I know.” I looked to my lap. “I thought you’d take me there on your own.”

  “I think you’re feeling guilty for leaving me, too. Now that you have your out, you want to make sure I’m the bad guy.”

  I shook my head. “No, I’m not sure I want to leave, but I need to know if there’s something worth staying for. I don’t want to stay and regret not going later on. Photography was my first love.”

  Carl took a deep breath and sat next to me again. “You can take photos anywhere. It shouldn’t matter where you take them so long as you are working again. As far as where you work and what would make you happy? Only you can decide that. You don’t need me to tell you where you belong. ”

  “You’re right.” I stood and walked over to my heels. I had just gotten the answer I was asking for even if it wasn’t the answer I wanted. He wasn’t going to ask me to stay. I got one heel on before he realized I was leaving.

  He quickly got up and stormed over to me. “Where do you think you’re going?”

  “Somewhere I’m wanted.” I continued to put on my heels, even though I had no idea where I would be wanted anymore.

  “I want you here tonight.”

  I looked up at him. “No, you don’t. You want a fuck buddy.” I shrugged. “I’ve filled that role for you enough.” I grabbed my purse. “You don’t want me.” I turned to leave.

  “Stop!” He grabbed my arm hard. “Stop saying that.”

  “What do you want me to say, Carl? You know it’s true. You know you only want me for sex. You don’t let me in any other part of your life. Do you want me to beg you to let me in?” In that moment I realized I was starting to sound a little too female, the female I hated. I stood up straighter and said without emotion, “I don’t beg . . . anyone.”

  “I don’t want you to beg. I just need time.” He let go of my arm. “You’ve thrown all of this on me in one night.”

  “You’ve had enough time, Carl, and nothing has changed. You can’t stop what you’re doing, but I can stop what I’m doing.” I turned to leave.

  “And just what am I doing? How am I treating you so horribly that you want to walk away from this? At least tell me that because I’m confused as to what your problem is.”

  I turned to glare at him. I wanted to believe the panic I heard in his voice was because he was losing me. I wanted to believe he would ask me to stay because he needed me. The truth was he couldn’t stand to be the one walked out on. Seeing him standing there with his arms crossed in his you’re-being-ridiculous pose pissed me off even more.

  “You’re fucking kidding, right? Have you not heard anything I’ve said tonight?” He just stood there looking at me with a blank expression. “You’re fucking delusional.”

  He sighed heavily. “Stop with the fucking.”

  “That’s exactly what I’m doing.” I turned to leave again and he grabbed my purse from me. It was my turn to sigh before I turned to him.

  “Let’s see if you get emotional now.”

  “What?” I shook my head. “You are fucking delusional.”

  “Aside from your father’s health s
care, anger is the only emotion I’ve ever seen from you. I want to know there’s something more in there. You can have it back,” he said as he tucked my purse under his arm, “when I think you’re capable of feeling something.”

  I couldn’t believe he’d forgotten all the times I’d leaned on him—the Jacuzzi tub after my arrest, my sofa when I asked him to be my friend, and each time I’ve given myself more and more to him when we made love. Had he not felt any of that? I took a step toward him. “You’re about to feel something other than my anger. You’re about to feel what it’s like to be hung by your balls, high up in a tree. Let me go.”

  “No.” He walked over to the sofa and sat down with my purse still tucked under his arm.

  I was seeing red, but I couldn’t let him know that. What I needed was to get my purse back. I slowly and seductively made my way back over to him. I straddled his outstretched legs and stood above him. “You’re right. I should stay and talk instead of storming out.” I bent down and kissed him. “I’m sorry.” When he reached up to hold me to him to kiss me longer, my purse dropped from his arm.

  Still holding my face to his, he pressed his forehead to mine. “Rach, I just want to work through whatever has you upset. You’ve never mentioned any of this before. How am I supposed to respond?”

  I was afraid my emotions were going to spill out, so I had to whisper. “I’m tired of being the other woman.”

  He suddenly let go as if I was toxic to touch. I grabbed my purse before he thought to take it and held on to it tightly. I slowly started to back away. I’d never been afraid of Carl, but the man I was looking at in that moment wasn’t exactly Carl. I’d never seen him like that. I turned to walk away.

  His voice was no longer tender. It was hard, harsh, and direct. “You were the only woman. For you to accuse me of cheating on you—”

  I whipped around, unable to believe what I had just heard. “On me?” I couldn’t contain my anger anymore. If that was the only emotion he claimed to have ever see from me, he was about to get furious added to the mix. “You are cheating on her!” I pointed to the only photo left in the living room of his late wife.

  “Don’t bring her into this!” Carl was on his feet in seconds, ready to defend the only woman he’ll ever love.

  “You shouldn’t have brought me into this!” I wouldn’t cry. I couldn’t cry. Not in front of him. I was already saying too much. The only thing saving me was the fact he was blind to anyone else’s love or he would have known in that moment I was desperately in love with him. “I’m the mistress. I’m the one you’re cheating with, but on her!” I pointed again to the photo.

  It felt like a punch to the gut. To hear her say she felt like the other woman tore me up inside. And yet, it was true. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t console her no matter how much I wanted to. I never expected to feel this way about anyone again and it terrified me. I did feel as if I were cheating on someone. I just wasn’t sure anymore who that someone was.

  I looked at the photo of Joy that she pointed to and closed my eyes when I heard the front door slam. I should have chased after Rachael. I should have hung on to her, but the truth was she was probably better off with someone who wasn’t conflicted or broken. Someone who has a clean slate to make new memories instead of constantly being reminded of the memories of a life he lost.

  I walked over to the photo of Joy. She looked beautiful. Our family was so happy and complete. I never expected it to be destroyed within six months. I never expected to lose everything within a blink of an eye. I closed my eyes as the tears threatened to spill. I wasn’t strong enough to save her, but I would remain strong for her and not give in to that weakness.

  She never told me she was sick until it was too late. It was too late to help her, and it was too late to make changes. All I could do is watch as her body shut down. I was helpless and a lousy husband. I should’ve seen the signs of her illness before, but I was too busy working.

  I took her photo and walked over to the sofa. I used to just sit and stare at it for hours. I guess that stopped when Rachael started coming over. I looked down at Joy’s smiling face again. I quickly stood up and dropped the photo, letting it fall and shatter at my feet. For a split second, I swear I heard a voice. I swear I heard Joy say, “Let go.”

  “Joy!” I knew it was impossible as I looked around for her. I knew Rachael was right and I was delusional, but I more than heard that. I felt that whisper in my ear. I looked back down at the photo and watched as my tears finally fell, mixing with the shards of glass surrounding her beautiful smile. I collapsed on the sofa and did as my wife told me. I let go.

  Messages, emails, and texts were all unanswered. I couldn’t say I blamed her. I had been treating Rachael like a fuck buddy. I cringed. I hated that term. I needed to prove to her that she meant more to me than that. I decided there was only one way to do that.

  Damon walked in and took a step back. “Um, are we entering some sort of artsy phase?”

  “No. Did you bring them?”

  He looked down into his hands at the boxes of paperclips I had asked him to bring up from the supply room. “I did, but I’m wondering if I really should give them to you.”

  I motioned with my hands. “Come on.”

  He brought them over and looked at the desk covered in broken paperclips. “Seriously, what’s going on? I’m kind of concerned.”

  I looked up. “I fucked up and I need to make it right.”

  He shook his head. “I’m not following. How is breaking paperclips going to make it right?”

  “I’m not trying to break them. I’m trying to . . . never mind.” I opened a fresh box. “These are small. I need bigger ones.” I slammed the paperclip down and put my head in my hands.

  “Easy. I’ll run down and get the bigger ones.”

  “No, wait! It’ll be more challenging this way.” I got to work again.

  “Okay.” Damon looked uncomfortable with the situation before him. “Um, I’m really concerned, boss. I’m going to need you to tell me what’s going on or I am going to call a doctor.”

  I read Carl’s texts a dozen times. They only said he wanted to talk, but none of them said he was sorry. None of them said he wanted things to change. Maybe that was too much to hope for after such a huge fight. I had things I needed to take care of before we talked again.

  I sat up when Lance walked in. “I was expecting you to try to beat me to the office today. Thanks for being predictable, Hathaway. However, you’re no longer one step ahead of me. In fact, you’re way behind the times now.”

  He paused only for a second once he saw me behind the desk. The door was locked soon after he shut it. “Is that so?”

  “Yes. I have so much to tell you.” I placed my phone on the desk as he sat across from me. “But I thought I’d give you an opportunity to be the man I had fallen in love with so long ago.” I squinted at him. “I think he’s in there somewhere.” I sat back in my chair. “Or maybe you never were him.”

  “You think one photo shoot means you’re back in the game?” He laughed. “That was just a tease. A little taste to get you hooked again. If you want to go back out on the road, you will have to do as I say.”

  I shook my head. “No, actually.” I slid a piece of paper toward him. “You’re going to sign this and I’m going to walk out of here, free from you and this company.”

  “You’ll never be free of me. I’ll ruin you.”

  I leaned forward and pressed play on my cell phone. Miguel started speaking. “I was the one who seduced you. I took advantage of you in your time of need and lived a fantasy for one night. It’s a double edge sword. I’ll always remember that as one of the best nights of my life, but how I went about it will always be one of my biggest regrets.” I pressed stop.

  “You couldn’t have been so stupid to think I wouldn’t have looked for Miguel when you took me back there.” The look of hatred made my heart stop. In that moment, I was afraid for my life. I cleared my throat. “If you sig
n to let me out of my contract, no one has to know about it. You can go on with the company as you see fit and never hear from me again.”

  He cracked his knuckles in one quick movement. My stomach dropped. I knew he was coming after me. I stood just as he did and waited for his next move.

  “You think you’ve outsmarted me. That’s cute.” I backed up as he lunged for my phone. He hit it on the corner of the desk, shattering the screen. Then, he smashed it on the floor. “The only way you’ll be rid of me is when I kill you. Would you like for that to be today?”

  “Who are you?”

  “Well, now. That’s up to you. You can do as I say, follow my lead, and I’ll be the man who makes your dreams come true.” He bent his head a little and gave a small smirk. “Or, I’ll be the man you defy—the man who will then crush you and make your life miserable.”

  He started to come around the desk. I went the other way. “What happened to you?”

  He shook his head. “Nothing happened to me. You’re the one who changed. You wanted to get married, have kids.” He flung his arms out. “Become a family! I never wanted that. I only wanted this.” He motioned to the office.

  “You’ve never been this mean.” I wanted to say crazy, but thought it was best to tone it down a little.

  “You used to tell me I was mean all the time in the beginning. You used to think it was a turn on. Again, you changed.” He looked down at the heels I was wearing. “Not everything of course. You’re still taller than you should be.”

  I thought back to the beginning of our relationship. He was mean and bossy. I thought it was just more like Carl, but Carl was never mean. We’ve both said things to hurt each other, but Carl had never threatened me the way Lance had.

  “Are you thinking about your boyfriend again?” He pointed to my face. “You always get that look when you think of him.”

  “That’s what bothers you, isn’t it? I didn’t come crawling back to you. The only thing I’d ever asked you for was my job. I didn’t care about you.”

  His fists clenched and released a couple of times. “You don’t have to care about me. I would prefer it if you didn’t. However, you will respect me.” He started toward me again.