Cowboy Christmas Redemption

by Maisey Yates

  Jacob went into the barn, and Caleb sat there on the back of his horse, flakes coming down heavy and hard now. And he waited. Getting lost in the staleness of the cold, and the stillness of his spirit.

  Jacob came out a minute later and mounted up. “All right. Let’s go.”

  The moon was bright, the clouds not covering it, illuminating the ground around them and the falling snowflakes. It was a beautiful night, the perfect Christmas Eve, or early Christmas morning, as the case may be.

  Except that everything was broken. Utterly and completely destroyed inside him.

  He had hope, he realized. And he had never considered himself an optimist. But he was, it turned out.

  And having that last little bit of hope snuffed out was devastating.

  He didn’t know his own insides anymore. They had been moved and shifted, upended and broken.

  He didn’t know what he was if he didn’t love Ellie Bell. If he couldn’t take care of her. And now that he held her in his arms at night, he didn’t know how he was ever going to sleep without her there.

  They rode up the hill, keeping silent as they did.

  “So this is a mess,” Jacob said finally.

  “Yes,” Caleb said. “It’s a mess. Welcome to my world. It’s been a mess for so long I don’t know what it’s like to live different.” He shook his head. “So damned long.”

  “Why won’t she marry you?”

  “I already told you. She doesn’t love me.”

  “Well, that’s not true. She loves you a hell of a lot.”

  “Does she? Or am I just convenient.”

  “Why wouldn’t I have been as convenient as you? She never cared for me the way she did for you.”

  “I was there.”

  “It’s more than that. You think she slept with you because you were there?”

  “Well, she was ready to go sleep with anyone.”

  “I don’t think that’s true. And anyway, so what? Is this about you not feeling special enough?”

  “No,” he said. “I was ready to take whatever she would give. I was ready to take less. I was ready to take nothing. To just be able to be there for her.”

  “Well, maybe that’s the problem.”

  “Why is that a problem?”

  “Who wants that?” Jacob asked. “That’s not an offer of love. That’s not an offer of a new life, of moving on. You’re offering to let her love her dead husband more than she loves you? Offering to let her continue to live in the past? Don’t do that. Offer her the world. A new world. Fresh and shining and everything that she deserves. Offer her a diamond. Offer her a white wedding. Offer her everything he did and then some. It’ll be different either way because it’s you. It’s from you. Why would she want a consolation? And if she doesn’t want a consolation, then don’t be one. Be the first. Be everything. If that’s what you want, that’s what you have to be willing to be.”

  The words hit him like a slap to the face. “I... But if she can’t...”

  “You don’t know if she can. You’re not Clint, Caleb. You’re never going to be. You know that. But you’re not his shadow, either. You’re your own man. And hell, you know that, too, so why are you acting like it might be different with her?”

  “Because it is. Because with her everything is different. It always will be. I can’t help that...”

  “Why? Because she chose him first?”

  “No...that sounds...”

  “She met him first. And yeah, she chose him first. But when I was that age I chose a lot of things I wouldn’t choose now. Not that he was wrong. It’s just that you change. And what you need changes. Who you are is different now than who you were. And the same goes for her. Why shouldn’t you take all the good things with the different, instead of just the bad? Your lives already changed. Clint is already gone. You don’t get a chance to go back and make any of those things different. But you can make today different. You can make tomorrow different.”

  “So what do you want me to do?” he asked. “Because she already said no. She already said she didn’t love me. I told her I loved her from the moment I’d met her. I might not have offered her the prettiest proposal, but I gave her everything I had inside me.”

  “Yeah. I believe you. I really do.”

  “So why the lecture? I mean, what the hell am I supposed to do now?”

  His brother was silent for a long moment. “What’s your life without her?”

  Caleb huffed out a laugh, his breath a cloud in the crystal night sky.

  “I’m serious,” Jacob said. “What’s your life without her? Because I had to ask myself the same question. Did I want to protect myself, or did I want to go all in? The fact of the matter is, protecting myself... It doesn’t mean anything if I don’t have Vanessa. Because my life doesn’t mean anything. That woman is everything to me. And Ellie is everything to you. She has been for years. So why stop now? Why protect yourself now? Why, when you know what you want. You want her a whole lot more than you want to be safe, don’t you?”

  “I want her more than anything,” he said, his voice gruff. “But if she doesn’t want me...”

  “But you didn’t ask for her. Gave her all of you, and you asked her for what you thought she could give easily. But I don’t think that’s why she likes you, Caleb. You two... Look, I don’t need to know details, but I can see chemistry like yours from miles away. Hell, I bet they can see it from space. What you guys have... Look, I was around when she was with Clint. This is different.”

  “Yeah,” Caleb said. “He made her laugh.”

  “And you held her when she cried. Caleb, I don’t envy what you did. I don’t envy the fact that you were the one that held her when her life fell apart, that you were the one that had to tell her. I felt like a monumental coward letting you do it, but...you were the one. You were there for her. You’re the one who put her back together. Be that man for her now. That man’s not going to go in and offer her half. That man’s not going to say let’s settle for the smallest we can have. There are no points in this life for people who play it safe. And while you still have breath in your body, you have the choice of taking a risk. Choose it. Choose it because you’re here, and you can.”

  They were here. Both of them. And it seemed a real tragedy to not be together. But she’d said what she had said, and what was he supposed to do with that?

  “So, I just...ambush her with another proposal?”

  “I don’t know about that. I think she loves you. I think she’s afraid of it. Maybe... Maybe she’ll come to you.”

  “So I should buy a ring and wait for her to come tell me she was wrong? Then be prepared to offer her the whole world, and ask for nothing less in return?”

  “Why not?”

  “Because she might not.”

  “Well, then you’re in the exact same spot you’re in now. Maybe a thousand dollars poorer, though, ’cause of the ring.”

  He forced out a laugh. “Minus my pride if I’m carrying a ring around for a woman who doesn’t want it.”

  “What the hell is your pride doing for you?”

  They stopped their horses up on the hill. It was quiet, the blanket of fallen snow covering the ground in crisp, cozy velvet. He would have said it was peaceful, if anything in him had been capable of feeling peace.

  “I guess I’m not really using my pride at the moment.”

  “What does pride matter?” Jacob asked. “It can’t hold you at night. It can’t love you.”

  “Ellie might not be able to love me, either.”

  “Have you asked her to love you?”

  “No. It’s the thing I didn’t ask for.”

  “It’s a risk. But we are men who take risks. We fight wildfires. I think that means we ought to be brave enough to take hold of love when we get the chance.”

  “Easy for you to sa
y. She said she loved you before you told her.”

  “True,” he said. “You’re going to have to be so much braver than I was. Because hell, this is pretty twisted up.”

  “No kidding.”

  “But let me tell you... Let me tell you, it’s worth it. And let me tell you, as someone lucky enough to have a person who was willing to be that brave for me...some of us need it.”

  Caleb took a breath, and for the first time he felt something a little bit like hope break through the rock in his chest.

  “So what do I do in the meantime?”

  “You love her,” Jacob said. “And you told her that. She’s scared. But what do you think she’s really scared of?”

  Ellie. Oh, Ellie.

  It was easy to think she was afraid of loss. Loss because of Clint. But she’d told him about her mother. About her fear of loving too much, of wanting a love she couldn’t get back.

  Their intensity scared her.

  She was a strong woman, and he knew it better than most. He’d seen her grieve. He’d seen her give birth. He’d watched her overcome so many obstacles in life.

  But this was the one thing she’d always avoided.

  She’d loved the fun in Clint, and she’d been angry at him when he wasn’t the kind of fun she’d wanted.

  She was afraid of being in love like he was.

  In the kind of deep, on-fire love that left you scarred and wounded. That felt like a void when you weren’t getting what you gave back.

  He was willing to jump headlong into it because he already knew he had no other choice. But Ellie was still trying to backtrack. Trying to hide.

  But what would she do if he was just there? Waiting, like always. If he wasn’t like her mother. If he didn’t tell her to go away, but if he stayed.

  The idea made him want to die a little bit. To have to keep on seeing this woman, to see her Christmas morning and not hold her.

  To buy a ring and carry it even if he might never need it.

  But he’d offered his whole heart. He’d offered that crazy, intense forever love. And he had to keep on showing it to her.

  Because he didn’t really think Ellie was scared of forgetting Clint.

  Ellie was afraid of what she’d always been afraid of.

  Loving too much. Loving alone.

  Basically the life he’d lived for more than a decade, and damn, the woman was right to fear it.

  He was everything that frightened her. Their passion was everything that frightened her.

  She thought it would be volatile and temporary. Thought it would leave her in pain.

  But he would show her. Yes, the love was sharp, it was big and it could cut like a knife.

  But when you had something that dangerous, that lethal...

  You treated it with even more reverence, because you knew it could be fatal.

  So he would show that. He would be there.

  Even if it killed him.

  This was a valley in the middle of a dark wood. But like every other path they’d been on, the only way was through.

  * * *

  ELLIE SPENT THE night in a fitful sleep. She had decided that she would go to Caleb in the morning. Because she wanted to sit with her revelation for a little while. Wanted to process her feelings. Mostly, she wanted to be able to tell him, in all the right words, why she loved him. And what it meant.

  She was ready to go and do that in the predawn gray of a Christmas morning that felt more like the dawning of the day of a funeral, when she opened her front door, her heart pounding. It was freezing outside.

  The air hit her cheeks, a stinging cold penetrating her skin like needles. It was the fortification she needed.

  She was ready to go and make it right today. She’d sat in complicated and painful truths all night, and it had felt like an essential thing to do. And today...today she was ready to be with him.

  Go to the tree farm.

  She didn’t know why, but that seemed to be right. She couldn’t imagine he would be at his parents’ place yet. He would still be at his. She was sure of that, even if she didn’t know why.

  It was a white Christmas, and the roads were covered in a film, so she took it slowly, making her way up to his place, her heart pounding in her throat.

  What if he didn’t want to see her? What if he never wanted to speak to her again? After what she had said. She didn’t deserve for him to forgive her. She didn’t deserve much of anything.

  She wound her way slowly up the drive and to his property. And when she pulled up to the trees, her heart stopped. There were lights strung over all of them, a magical Christmas morning wonderland, with that halo glow and the snow falling everywhere, dusting the trees.

  And there was Caleb, standing there on the edge of the trees, his hands shoved in his pockets. He breathed out, his breath a cloud in the cold air.

  She parked her car and got out, looking around.

  “What are you doing out here?” she asked.

  He looked up, shocked. “I...I should ask you the same thing.”

  “I came to find you,” she said. “I was thinking I’d have to drag you out of bed.”

  “I didn’t ever sleep,” he said.

  She saw the circles under his eyes, the lines next to the corners. He hadn’t slept. Because of her. Because of her cowardice.

  “Caleb...” She started to walk toward him, her heart thundering. “I’m so sorry. I am so... I am so so sorry.”

  She had hurt this man. And if she’d ever doubted the power of this love, the power of her love—badly withheld because of her own fear—she couldn’t now.

  Fear would have kept them apart, and the realization of that now made her ache. She would have kept herself from that love. She would have kept herself wanting, forever.

  She’d wondered...wondered about that intense fire between a man and a woman, and she’d seen it in Caleb’s eyes when he’d come into that bar and pulled her off the dance floor.

  She’d wanted to test it. Taste it.

  She hadn’t wanted to immerse herself in it because anything that all-consuming was her own personal nightmare.

  But there was no flirting with this.

  This was all, or it had to be nothing.

  So she was ready to give all, because Caleb... Without Caleb her life felt a whole lot like nothing.

  Emotion knotted up her throat, made it hard for her to speak the words she was so desperate to say. Her heart was pounding hard, her hands shaking.

  But here she was, on the other side of fear.

  And Caleb was right there with her.

  “I do love you,” she said, the words breaking. “Caleb, I was so afraid of this kind of love. All of my life I feared it because the need of it broke me. So I decided not to need it. I decided what I could want and still be...safe. I was happy there. I was happy being safe.”

  He didn’t speak; he only looked at her, his expression carved from that beautiful granite face, and she knew she owed him everything first.

  Knew she had to be the one to say it all first because he already had.

  Hadn’t he already stood there radiating emotion and told her he’d loved her all his life?

  He had. And she’d turned away. Wounded him to protect herself.

  “I was so afraid,” she whispered. “To let go. To move on. Because there is safety in fear, Caleb. There’s safety in staying in grief. In holding on to the past. I started to change and what I wanted started to change, too. And when I found myself letting go of it without meaning to, I...I was afraid. Because when I closed my eyes and I pictured my wedding, you were the only man I could see.”

  A muscle in his jaw pulsed, a blue fire in his eyes, but he stood motionless. “I wanted to get back to that girl I was, and I thought that my Christmas list was going to be the way to do it. But inst
ead... Instead, all of the loss, all of the pain, all of our time together, those years alone, the time with you... I became the woman I needed to be now. And that woman loves you. Only you.”

  She swallowed hard. It was difficult work, sharing your soul when you’d hidden it away your whole life. Kept a barrier between yourself and everyone.

  But with Caleb she shouldn’t do that. Part of her had always known it.

  Part of her had always feared it.

  But the broken road they were both walking was one they could have only walked together. It was him. And somehow, right now, she felt it always had been. “I’ve changed. I’ve survived. And I’m brave. This love, this love terrified me far too much to take hold of it, Caleb. But I can’t live in fear anymore. I’m brave enough now to face whatever might come our way. I’m brave enough to be a woman that can love you. Because I know I’m strong enough for it. What we have is...” A smile curved her lips. She imagined kissing him. Holding him. Tangled up in bed with him.

  And suddenly it seemed like he saw it, too, because he moved for her, caught her up in his arms and kissed her with a ferocity that made her heart feel like it might burst.

  He still wanted to kiss her.

  That was a very good sign.

  “Forgive me,” she whispered against his lips as he continued to take small tastes of her between words and breaths.

  “There’s nothing to forgive,” he murmured. “Nothing. Whatever we have, whatever we are, we had to go through it. To get here.”

  “I had to break myself first,” she said, a tear rolling down her cheek. “To understand why I was so afraid. I chased love as a child, and I didn’t get it back. My own mother thought I was too much and I believed her. So I decided to be less. And I found a way to be comfortable there. You demanded I be more, and that was the most uncomfortable thing of all. But now that I know what I can feel, now that I know what love can be... I can never take less again. You ruined me.”

  “Thank God,” he growled, kissing her until she was dizzy. “Thank God.”

  “You are my heart, Caleb Dalton.” She rested her hand on his chest. “And I want to belong to you. You carried me through those dark times.”