If You Were Mine

by Jennifer Sucevic

  Holly draws herself up to her full height. “Why did you call JT to pick you up Friday night?”

  I’m not the one who needs to be defending my actions. But still… her question leaves me feeling defensive, and so I cross my arms tightly across my chest. “What does it matter who I called? I needed to get out of there, and I couldn’t find you anywhere.”

  Ignoring my words, she bulldozes onward. “I thought you didn’t even like him.” She raises a skeptical brow. “And yet he’s the first person you call to pick you up from some college party at eleven o’clock at night?” She gives me a look like she doesn’t believe it for an instant. As if there’s more going on between JT and myself than what I’ve told her.

  Opening my mouth, I quickly slam it shut again.

  “You didn’t come home Friday night. Did you stay over at his place?”

  “Nothing happened,” I whisper harshly. How exactly did this get turned around on me? I’m not the one who did something wrong. And yet Holly is treating me as if I did.

  Her eyes narrow with disbelief. “Are you sure about that?”

  “Yes,” I hiss automatically. Although, as my mind cartwheels over Friday evening and Saturday morning, I realize that what I’m saying isn’t precisely the truth. Something most definitely happened between us.

  Just as those thoughts settle in my mind, I shake them loose. She’s trying to turn this whole thing around on me. Like I’m somehow to blame for her being a crappy friend. Not once did Holly ever tell me that she was into Ryan. I would have never agreed to go out with him in the first place if that had been the case.

  “You know what? It doesn’t matter if anything happened with JT or not. Ryan and I were going out for two months. You knew that I was planning on sleeping with him this weekend. You knew!” Stepping just a bit closer, I whisper, “Did he tell you why we broke up, Holly? Did he tell you what happened up in his room?”

  She eyes me for a long silent minute. There’s absolutely no change in her expression. My heart riots almost painfully against my chest as I wait for an answer. Finally, she says, “He told me that you two were messing around and that you freaked out over nothing.” Looking unaffected, she shrugs. “You got scared and then ran out of the room.”

  Even though I expected something along those lines, it still hurts to hear what he almost did to me summed up to sound so benign. And for the words to slide so emotionlessly from her lips. I can’t help but laugh. “Yeah… that’s not exactly how it went down. I told him to stop what he was doing and he wouldn’t.”

  Slowly she arches a brow. Each question she pummels me with feels like a physical blow. “Was he holding you down? Do you have bruises? Were you screaming for help? If he raped you, did you go to the hospital or call the police?”

  Her questions suck the air right out of my lungs making it painful to breathe. I can only stare speechlessly at her. “No,” I whisper, “I was able to get away. But not for lack of his trying.”

  As soon as the words slip from my mouth, I know she doesn’t believe them. She doesn’t want to believe them. Sighing, she slowly shakes her head as a look of pity fills her eyes. “You just freaked out, Claire. You’ve never had sex before, and you got scared. End of story.”

  My throat feels as if it’s closing in on me. “Do you really believe that?”

  Looking slightly apologetic, she shrugs her shoulders. “You’ve waited a really long time to finally sleep with someone. And you’ve been so nervous about going through with it.” I told her all that in confidence. I never expected that she would use my own words against me. “You have zero experience where men are concerned. So, yeah, I kind of believe that you made a huge deal out of nothing.”

  I honestly don’t think I could feel more betrayed or hurt than I do at this very moment.

  She raises her hands as if surrendering. “Look, I’m sure it felt like a really big deal when it was happening. Maybe it even felt like he was trying to do something you didn’t want him to. But it didn’t happen the way you think it did. Ryan wasn’t trying to hurt you or force you into having sex. He was just trying to calm you down. And you overreacted.”

  She pauses for a minute before lowering her voice. “For god’s sake, Claire, he was just fingering you.” Leaning closer she adds, “He told me that you were wet. That you wanted it. But you tensed up and started freaking out.” She tilts her head just a bit to the side before adding, “You weren’t even undressed. Your jeans were still all the way on.”

  Her words are like a verbal assault, and I can’t help but gasp before my now trembling hand flies to my mouth. Hearing them fall from her lips is actually more shocking than seeing Ryan emerge from her bedroom with that terrible smirk dancing across his face.

  “Are you being serious right now?” I realize that not only are my fingers shaking, my entire body is quivering. “I told him to stop, Holly. I wanted him to get off me and he wouldn’t.”

  The more I talk, the more nauseous I feel. Hot tears prick the back of my eyes. I can’t believe she’s saying all this to me. That she would side with Ryan over me. She wasn’t there. She doesn’t know what happened and yet she’s trying to tell me, the one who was actually there, how everything went down.

  She’s taking his word over mine because she likes him.

  It makes me sick.

  Holly and I have been friends ever since we met first semester of freshman year. I’ve confided in her about my family and my lack of experience when it comes to guys. Hearing these words fall from her lips is like being punched in the gut over and over again.

  If anything, she should have my back right now. It blows my mind that she doesn’t. In fact, she’s actually trying to tell me that because my body responded to his touch, that what he tried to do wasn’t wrong. Or that what happened didn’t occur the way I remember it.

  Nausea roils through the pit of my belly until I think I might just be physically ill. I band my arms around my middle only wanting to get away from the pair of them. I can’t stay here another minute.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  JT

  I text Claire just as I’m leaving the stadium to let her know that I’m on my way.

  She doesn’t reply.

  On the drive over, when I’m sitting at red lights, I continue shooting texts her way. But still, I don’t get anything other than stereo silence in return. By the time my tires are screeching to a halt in front of her building, I’m in a near state of panic. I’ve texted her three more times and called just as many, and still, there’s no answer from her.

  Where the hell could she be?

  Why isn’t she responding?

  Making a hasty decision, I get out of the Porsche before jogging towards the front entrance of her apartment. I glance quickly through the directory of names which are located next to buzzers of the residents who live in the building before finding hers.

  Apartment two-seventeen.

  I hit the button a few times.

  But just like her phone, there’s no answer.

  Luckily there’s a couple leaving the building as I continue standing outside. They’re so wrapped up in one another that they don’t even pay attention when I grab the handle before slipping inside. Then I’m hauling ass through the lobby. It’s oddly silent in here as I push the call button for the elevator. Actually, I press it about six times before looking around impatiently for a stairwell. The last thing I want to do is stand here waiting for the damn elevator to arrive. It’s taking forever. I need to figure out what the hell is going on here.

  Just as I’m searching for the stairs, I see a pair of shoes sticking out from behind a chair about twenty feet down the hall. It’s a little sitting area with two chairs and a small end table much like the one by the front entrance.

  But those shoes… I narrow my eyes contemplating them for just a second. They look exactly like the pair Claire had been wearing Friday night and again today at the game.

  Abandoning the elevator, I stalk towards the sittin
g area. The breath becomes wedged in my throat as I finally peek around the second chair to see Claire huddled up on the floor next to it. Her face is pale and streaked with tears. She has this strange glassy eyed look that I’ve never seen before.

  It leaves my heart rioting harshly against the wall of my chest. What could have possibly happened to her in the hour or so from the time she left the party to now?

  “Claire?” My voice is low, strung tight with the need to understand what’s going on. Even I can hear the thick shards of concern threading their way through it. “What happened? Why are you sitting here by yourself in the hallway?” Once again my eyes slide over the wetness staining her cheeks.

  I don’t even wait for a response before gathering her up into my arms and pressing her tightly against me. When she doesn’t immediately answer, something painful squeezes my chest. All of a sudden, she’s curling into me, burying her face against the hollow of my throat.

  “Can you just get me out of here?” Her voice is so small and fragile-sounding that if I weren’t listening so intently, I would have missed it. “Please?”

  Turning my face towards her, I lay a gentle kiss against her forehead. “Yeah, sure.”

  It takes only a moment for me to secure her in my car before we’re taking off down the tree-lined street. This time I don’t bother asking if she wants to be dropped off at her brother’s house. The only place I’m taking her is back to my place.

  My gut is a tangle of knots because she hasn’t said a word since leaving the apartment building. This feels like déjà vu all over again. When we finally pull into my garage, I cut the engine before jumping out and hustling around to the other side of the car. Then I’m opening the door and pulling her back into my arms.

  Whatever happened must have been pretty bad because Claire doesn’t even protest when I lift her off her feet, carrying her into the house. She simply lays her head against my chest as I walk through the kitchen, up the back staircase, and straight into my room. With her still cradled in my arms, I sit down on the bed. She feels like nothing more than a lifeless rag doll. And that scares me. More than I’m willing to admit. Claire is usually so feisty where I’m concerned. I’ve never seen her look this hurt and vulnerable.

  So broken.

  Not even when I picked her up on Friday night did she seem this upset.

  “Tell me what happened, Claire.” Her silence is ripping me apart inside. I can’t take much more of it. It’s almost mind-boggling just how much she’s come to mean to me in such a short amount of time. All this riotous emotion careening through me right now…

  I feel like I’m drowning in it.

  When she remains silent, I gently lift her chin until her gaze is finally able to pierce mine. The tears swimming around within her gray eyes twists my heart into painful little knots.

  “Baby, you need to tell me what happened.” I add in a harsh whisper, “You’re scaring me.”

  Squeezing her eyes tightly shut, she inhales a deep, unsteady breath before finally releasing it. “Please… I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

  “You need to tell me what happened.”

  She’s silent for a long moment before finally sighing. Her shoulders slump in the process. “After I left the stadium, I went back to the apartment. Holly’s door was shut. After I knocked on it, I realized that someone was in there with her.”

  I have no idea where she’s going with this. And so it’s slowly that I draw out the word, waiting for her to continue. “Okay.”

  Hesitating, she simply holds my eyes. “It was Ryan. She slept with him.”

  Sucking in a surprised breath, my brows slowly slide together. “Let me get this straight- your roommate just slept with the guy you broke up with?”

  Nodding, an unexpected gurgle of laughter falls from her lips. But there’s not a shred of humor within the sound. “That’s not even the worst part.”

  I raise a brow. “Really? Because I’m thinking that seems pretty bad.”

  “I guess they got together Friday night after I took off with you.” She pauses, allowing that to sink in before continuing. “She told me that what Ryan did… I wanted it.” She squeezes her eyes tightly shut as if she can’t bear to see my reaction to her words. “He told her that I was… turned on. That I just freaked out because I’m a…” she gulps before forcing out the rest, “a virgin.” Crystal-like tears fill her eyes. “She made me feel like I’m just some stupid inexperienced-”

  Not wanting her to continue, I gently press my finger against her lips. “Shhh. No more. We both know that’s not true, Claire. Your roommate is just trying to make herself feel better for fucking over a friend. That’s all.”

  She removes my finger from her lips. “I don’t know, JT,” she whispers. “I sat there in the lobby going over and over everything that happened Friday night.” Confusion flickers across her pale face before she finally shakes her head. “Maybe she’s right. Maybe what Ryan told her is the way it happened. Or at least how he saw it. Maybe I did freak out and run away because I was scared.”

  Fire ignites deep within my gut. It pisses me off that she’s even questioning her own recollection of the events. That her roommate and ex-boyfriend have managed to make her rethink what she knows to be the truth. “Come on, Claire, you know that’s not how it went down. You told him to stop, and he didn’t. What happened is on him. Not you.” I pause, trying to regain some semblance of calm. “What he almost did to you… fuck, Claire. I’d like to rip his damn throat out for it. You know that?”

  She bites her lip but still, I see the doubt as it fills her big gray eyes.

  “You said no,” I reiterate sharply.

  Finally, she nods. “I told him to stop.”

  “He’s an asshole. As soon as you asked him to stop, he should have backed off.” Pulling her to me, I lay a gentle kiss against the top of her head. All I want to do is hold her in my arms until she understands that she did absolutely nothing wrong. She trusted the wrong people, and they fucked her over.

  I’m just glad that she’s here with me now. That she’s safe. I don’t want to let her go. All I can think about is the panicky feelings that had surged through me when I couldn’t get a hold of her. When I had no freaking idea where she was or what was going on. “Why didn’t you answer your phone when I texted and called?”

  She shrugs, her soft, warm body pressed up against mine. “I turned it off. I just needed some time to think.”

  My voice lowers. “You scared the shit out of me, Claire.” I don’t think I’ve ever felt like that before in my life. But that’s not something I want to dwell on. Right now, I just need to take care of Claire. Make sure she’s okay.

  “I’m sorry. I just…” she shrugs helplessly, “I just wanted to be alone.”

  Her words have me pressing another soft kiss against her head. Even though all I want to do is hold her close, I decide that maybe there’s a better way to comfort her.

  “How about I run a nice hot bath for you to soak in? Then we’ll get dinner figured out.”

  She lifts her eyes until they’re able to impale mine before nodding her head.

  “Okay.”

  Gently I rearrange her until she’s lying on the bed before dropping another kiss on her lips. Then I go to the massive master bath and start filling the tub. I’ve lived here for about six months now, and I’ve yet to use the jetted tub. If I’m wound tight, I usually swim laps or sit in the hot tub out by the pool.

  And I’ve never brought a woman back to the house either. By the time I bought this place, I was already trying to clean up my act. I’m suddenly glad that Claire is the only woman I’ve ever shared my home with. Somehow it just feels right having her here with me.

  Once the huge tub is filled with steaming water, I turn on the jets before going back for Claire. She’s exactly where I left her lying on the bed. Once again something painful twists in my chest. I hate to see her hurting like this. It makes me want to go find that freaking punk and bea
t the shit out of him.

  And that roommate of hers…

  I’m not one for abusing women, but she deserves to be slapped upside the head for her part in this. What a backstabbing little bitch.

  Again I scoop Claire up into my arms before carrying her into the white Carrera marble bathroom. I sit her on the edge of the tub before slowly kneeling on the floor so that I can slide off her shoes and socks. “You want me to leave?”

  The last thing I want to do is make her uncomfortable. She’s been through enough already this weekend.

  I’m actually surprised when she shakes her head before slowly rising to her feet. Sucking in a breath, she picks up the hem of her shirt before lifting it over her head. Then she’s dropping it onto the marble-tiled floor. Her eyes stay locked on mine as her fingers go to the button of her jeans before flicking it open. Lowering the zipper, she slides the material over the gently rounded curve of her hips, down her supple thighs before it’s pooling at her ankles. She steadies herself against the tub as she kicks her way free of them.

  I blink my eyes, and she’s standing in nothing more than her bra and panties. This time they’re leopard print. A matching set. Reaching around, she unsnaps the bra. The straps fall away from her arms, sliding down, revealing those perfect dusky-tipped breasts of hers. She lets the silky material drop from her fingers before it joins both the shirt and jeans on the floor.

  Her gray eyes stay fastened onto mine. The breath gets wedged in my throat as I continue watching her. She’s just so damn beautiful.

  “Take off the rest?”

  It’s not even a question I have to think about. Already I’m reaching out, dipping my fingers beneath the stretchy material before slowly sliding it down her hips and thighs until the silky little panties have joined the pile of clothing and she’s completely bare.

  God, but I just want to press my face against the softness of her belly. I want to stroke my fingers over every single gorgeous inch of her. I want to kiss and nuzzle her inner thighs until she’s spreading them wide for me. I want to stab my tongue inside her until her breath catches and she’s moaning out her pleasure.