by Hadley Quinn
“How much longer do you need?” Aaron asked, leaning onto his knees.
“I can’t put a time limit on it, man. Sorry. And what exactly are you talking about anyway? How much longer to do what? Reunite with my band? That’s not in the cards right now, Aaron.”
He sighed. “Jude, seriously… You said you needed a break from it, not a break up. Is that what’s happening? Is there no possibility for it? The other guys are still on board. I mean Howie’s playing bass for The Kings right now and Ryan’s drummin’ here and there, but when are you gonna bring yourselves together again? They’d be there in a heartbeat.”
“I don’t have answers for you. Right now I’m writing, I’m performing, I’m doing what I’m comfortable doing. Getting back into that spotlight is not my focus.”
“You’re already in the spotlight, Jude. You know that.”
It was my turn to sigh. I knew I was, but avoiding as much as I could was how I coped with it for now. “Just come to The Urchin tonight, take in some food and music, and then tell me what you think.”
“Tonight?” he asked, seeming perplexed. “I knew nothing of you doing a show tonight.”
“It’s not scheduled. I just drop in once a weekend and no one knows when it will be except the owners.”
Aaron narrowed his eyes at me, thinking it over. “Interesting. And how is that working? I’ve heard zero buzz about it.”
“This is my first time doing it.”
He slowly nodded his head as he contemplated for quite a while. “Hmm, I actually like the way you think.”
“It’s not for publicity, Aaron,” I groaned. “It’s because the pressure of performing my own songs still gets to me. It’s not a place I want to be in, and if I could change things, I would.”
“What would you change?” He waited patiently for my answer.
Giving myself a moment to think of the right words, I shrugged and stared at my piano.
“Do you miss the crowds, Jude?” he finally asked. “Do you miss the excitement and the tours? Do you miss the late night talk shows and the awards?” Again he waited for an answer.
“Yes and no,” I replied honestly.
“Meaning?”
“Meaning I do but I don’t think that’s who I am anymore.”
He scoffed. “You can be whoever you wanna be, pal. You’re Jude fucking Collins. You have nothing holding you back except yourself.”
I’d been staring down at my lap until that point, and looked up. He was right. I had every opportunity possible to get back what I had, and I knew why I was dragging my heels. I was still afraid. And would you fucking believe it if I said that stupid psychic’s words started running through my head?
You should never give up.
“What do you want from me?” I asked meekly. “You want me to record another album?”
“Yes.” There was a pause. “And tour with it.”
“NO.”
“Yes. Why not?”
“Because I can barely manage what I’m doing right now.”
“Stop writing such depressing songs, then,” he countered, now getting upset. “Jesus, Jude, your last album…”
“My last album what? It hit Platinum. That was never my plan.”
“Diamond and Platinum should be your plan.”
“That’s you talking business, Aaron. If we can’t be on the same page—”
“Listen to me, Jude,” he said angrily as he stood. “I’m not your fucking best friend but I will look out for you industry-wise. My job is to get you those shiny framed records for your walls, okay? That’s what I want for you and I know you can do it again. Excuse me for pushing you to your potential since you’re selling yourself short, but that’s how much faith I have in you. You do what you do best, and I do what I do best. I did what I could with your solo project, but maybe it’s time to try a different angle. It’s hard to sell albums full of angsty ballads. Somehow it worked, but it’s not easy. You at least had your history behind you. But to be honest, I’m not so sure it’s going to work a second time.”
I stood and headed for my room to shower. “If you want to stop by tonight, text me and I’ll let you in, but right now you can see yourself out of my apartment.”
It’s funny how your focus changes as circumstances change. I’d been stressed out all week about dropping in on Saturday night to perform, but when I slipped in through the back door, my nerves seemed to shift.
Ben and Blake were in the office, and after I spoke with them for a few minutes, I asked about Ree. She’d been who I was looking forward to seeing that night because there were a few things I wanted to say to her.
“She’s not working tonight but she’ll be in to listen to you play,” Blake answered.
I was surprised, but maybe I shouldn’t have been. However, I felt too curious about her to not ask what I wanted to ask.
“The other day she told me some things that kind of caught me off guard,” I said. “She told me my music saved her life?”
Blake slowly nodded, and while Ben was finishing up an email to someone, he looked at me and said, “Yeah, that’s true. I’m surprised she told you though.”
“Why is that? She said she was glad she finally got to say thank you.”
Blake smiled at Ben first, and then at me. “She’s come a long way,” he nodded carefully. “But yes, we’ve been through some scary years.”
I wanted to ask for more details but it felt wrong. I didn’t want to talk behind Ree’s back, but I was also afraid I wouldn’t know the whole story if I didn’t.
I decided not to, and while standing, announced that I was heading to the private lounge. Once I was in there, I did nothing but sit down with a bottle of water in silence.
I’m not sure how long it was before the door opened and Ree lightly rapped on the doorframe. “Can I come in? It wasn’t locked.”
“Yeah, of course.”
She entered, and as she did, I took a moment to assess her appearance. I hadn’t seen her in anything but black jeans and a black tank top, so it was quite a change to see her in something different. Blue skinny jeans with a pair of heels and a pale pink off-the-shoulder top. Her hair was down for the first time and it changed her look quite significantly. Not any better or worse, just different.
“Wow, you clean up nice,” I joked.
She smiled shyly and glanced down at herself. “Yeah, I have normal clothes besides black.”
I stood from the couch where I’d been just sitting, staring at the instruments and posters on the walls, and that’s when I noticed she had a stack of papers in her hands.
She set them on the coffee table below us. “I said I wanted to prove something to you, so here you go.”
“What is it?”
“Just take a look. It’s not everything, not even close, but just what I could do in an hour before I came here.” She grabbed water from the wet bar and sat down across from me.
Curious, I picked up the papers. There were probably ten or so, and just looking at the top ones told me they were screenshots from social media. I glanced through the first few on the top page, surprised by the conversation about someone that took place within the comments. After a few seconds, I realized they’d been talking about me.
I stuck that page to the back as I sat down, looking over the next one. Same thing, a post about Jude Collins and his music, and the outpouring of support in the comments. People were discussing the fact that it would be so difficult to come back from ‘something like that’ and they were impressed and so happy with my solo album and the messages in each song.
That would be so heartbreaking, one comment said.
He has tremendous heart, said another.
I hope he continues to write.
His music helped me through my divorce.
The song ‘Always Here’ was played at my son’s funeral.
His music changed my life.
I continued to read through the posts and comments and then flipped to another page to
read more. Page after page consisted of various social media forums that mentioned my name, my music, and parts of my life. And then a few comments in particular made me feel guilty, ones that said I used to be very active on social media and it was sad yet understandable that I wasn’t anymore.
When I finally finished reading through the last page, Ree was still sitting on a chair watching me. She didn’t say anything, just remained motionless, waiting for my response.
“Okay,” I finally said. “I get it.”
“Get what?”
I sighed and set the papers on the table in front of me. “I get that there is an outpouring of positivity in relation to me, enough to counter the negative aspects.” She arched an eyebrow at me and it made me smile. “Why, was there something else I’m supposed to understand?” I chuckled.
“No,” she shrugged. “I just wanted to remind you that there are other people like me who have needed your music. Who have needed you. You saw for yourself,” she motioned with her hand. “Those are some personal confessions in there.”
Yeah, they were. Some were tragic yet touching.
I wasn’t sure what else to say but I could feel my heart growing with an idea and decided to think on it for a couple of days. I stood and made my way over to Ree. She peered up at me suspiciously when I motioned for her to stand. I took her hand and helped her up, and then gave her a hug.
“Thank you,” I told her softly.
“For what,” she mumbled into my shoulder.
Pulling back, I shook my head in thought. “For believing in me, I guess.”
She smiled and knuckled me in the chest. “I’ll always believe in you. Your songs have preceded you, Jude. I didn’t have a choice.”
11
Performing that night went well. I did struggle a little, as I expected, but I truly believed that playing at The Urchin all week had helped. Not only that, but I added a couple more lighthearted songs in the mix, taking out the two that I had the toughest time with.
Maybe Aaron was right in that thought, but I wasn’t going to discard those songs entirely. Instead of feeling like I was doing a disservice to my family if I gave up on those numbers, I convinced myself it was okay this time. Just for tonight they could take a backseat.
Aaron did show up for the show and I had him brought to me in the private lounge afterward. He didn’t say much at first as he walked along the walls and looked over the framed posters and photos.
Finally he turned to me and said, “I think you may have something good here, Jude.”
Surprised, I poured myself a glass of Jack and Coke. As Aaron took a seat on the couch, I silently offered him a drink but he declined.
“So you liked it?” I asked.
He slowly nodded and then stood again, like he was restless. I could read him pretty well and that was a sign that business was rolling through his head. “Yeah,” he agreed. “And I’m going to get back to you about an idea, okay? For now, I’m catching a flight back to L.A. to think it over.”
He was already to the door when I replied, “I hope you have my best interest in mind.”
Aaron glanced over his shoulder with a chuckle. “Of course I do.”
I let the silence settle for a minute before I gathered my things to leave. A light tapping sounded at the door Aaron had left open. Ree didn’t enter, but smiled as she leaned against the doorframe.
“The show was amazing,” she stated simply.
I felt all sorts of emotions because of the night. Even though I stumbled a couple of times during my performance, I knew it had been better than the last. I even liked the surprise on the audience’s faces this time when I took the stage; no one expected me to be there. Many hoped that I might drop in, but it wasn’t known. Within the hour, there was a line of people outside of the building wanting in. Most likely they’d been given the heads up by their friends already inside. It ended up being a packed house by the time nine-thirty hit.
“Thanks for coming tonight,” I told her.
For some reason, her support meant the world to me. I also needed her approval, and I felt it was because she knew the real me. She’d connected with my music, and that was something every musician hoped for. I knew there were others that did as well, but Ree had opened my eyes and given me a figurative kick in the ass.
“I wouldn’t have missed it,” she answered. “Come on, man, my dad has Jude Collins playing in his restaurant. I feel so V.I.P.”
The smile on her face was priceless and it made me smile too. “Meh, I hear he’s a sappy crooner. You guys could do better.”
She laughed but shook her head. “No, I think it’s perfect. I couldn’t be more thrilled. Honestly, it’s a dream come true to have you here. For all of us.”
I was speechless. Completely honored, but speechless.
She said something about heading out, but I offered to walk her to her car. I knew Luke was still here, waiting for me to be ready to leave, but knowing him, he was still in the restaurant letting the waitress who was sweet on him keep serving him food.
I sent him a quick text as I headed out back with Ree, just to let him know where I was.
“You don’t have to risk your life,” she joked after I did a quick glance around the back parking lot.
It was a small employee lot, but I knew people would go back there if they felt like it. As I followed along to her car I replied, “Nah, it’s worth it. If I were to die doing something as chivalrous as walking you to your car? Totally worth it.”
I loved her laugh, and as she unlocked her door, I guess I lost a bit of awareness because she paused and noticed the group of onlookers before I did. A few of them separated from the pack and started to make their way over from the side of the building, and Ree said, “Jude, why don’t you just get in, okay?”
I didn’t believe any of them would harm either of us, but late at night behind a building… I didn’t want to take any chances. Plus, I wasn’t really feeling that social. The night had emotionally drained me and I didn’t feel up to appeasing anyone that might expect a conversation from me.
Before I even had my seatbelt on, Ree was already pulling out of the lot. “I kind of panicked, I’m sorry.”
There was nothing wrong with being safe, so I shrugged and said, “No worries. Thanks for saving me.”
She laughed again, and after going a roundabout way, pulled up in front of a café a few blocks north. “Do you feel daring?” she asked.
Okay, I was intrigued. I agreed right away, not really caring what I was getting myself into. Maybe I was catching a second wind. She led me inside and it was obvious the wait staff knew her well. They all greeted her hello as she went straight to a corner booth near the kitchen.
“They have cupcake shakes here that are to die for,” she informed me.
“Cupcake shakes?”
She nodded and slid over a dessert menu. “Yep. Pick a cupcake flavor and they’ll make you a milkshake.”
Obviously she didn’t know my addiction to sugar because if she did, she’d realize that my blood was already waiting for a fix.
A waitress came by and took my order, and since she left right after, I assumed they already knew Ree’s choice.
“You come here often?” I teased.
“Absolutely,” she grinned.
Her smile lit up her whole face and made her tiny freckles come to life. I loved her eyes, how green they were and how animated they seemed right now. I guess it’s true that the eyes are the conduits to the soul because that’s exactly what I was reading into right now. I can’t say what it is about a person when you meet them and feel like they’re meant to be in your life somehow. I didn’t know Ree all that well, but what we did have was unique and it definitely caught my attention. Again, it was like I needed her approval, and since I was right smack in the middle of my newest attempt at career redemption—and my life in general—I wanted her objectivity.
“Are you always this quiet and reflective?” she asked me. “Or is that somethin
g you only do after a show.”
I glanced around the near-empty café and then shrugged. “I don’t know, I guess I’m feeling a bit introspective right now. And yeah, performing sometimes exhausts me physically.”
She observed me for a second and asked, “Are you uncomfortable here? If so, we can leave, but I guarantee you’re okay. The guys in the kitchen—”
“No, I’m fine,” I chuckled. “I was just…surveying my environment. How’d you get familiar with this place?”
She was quiet for several seconds, and even after our shakes were brought out with a basket of fries, she still took some extra time. Finally, pointing into the kitchen at a bearded guy grilling a burger, she answered, “That’s Zane. He saved my life one night and I’ve been a loyal customer since.”
I wasn’t quite sure of the story, but I carelessly joked, “Another savior of yours, huh? I think I might be jealous.”
She smiled and then lightly laughed, but what she told me next made me feel like a complete asshole.
“A few years ago I went out with this guy named Troy. He was kind of a blind date, but we knew of each other through mutual friends. He took me to that billiards place down the street,” she motioned to the right with her head, and I was pretty sure I knew which one she was talking about. “Long story short, he was a complete douche, we fought, he told me I could walk my ass home because he wasn’t giving me a ride until he was done with his game of pool. I told him he could go fuck himself because I wasn’t waiting. I called my roommate to come get me but she wasn’t picking up, so I started wandering around, looking for a cab. There wasn’t one in sight, so I walked down this way to find a place to sit inside until Mandy could come grab me.
“Anyway…” She paused and jutted her thumb to the right. “I was careless, wasn’t watching my surroundings and…” She took a sip of her milkshake and then said, “I was dragged into the alley out back and was raped.”
