On a Snowy Christmas Night

by Debbi Rawlins

  At the sudden pressure on the small of her back, Shea started. It was Jesse, who’d apparently come in directly behind Cole. His dark fathomless eyes met hers, and she held her breath wondering what he’d heard. She hoped he didn’t think there had been any instigation on her part. Anyway, Rachel had been joking.

  His gaze only wavered when he slid a possessive arm around her shoulders and whispered, “I think it would be very cool.”

  * * *

  HOURS LATER, snuggled up next to Jesse in his truck, Shea yawned, tired from a full day and it was only late afternoon. They turned down the driveway to the Sundance followed by Jamie, Cole, Trace and Rachel riding in Cole’s huge black pickup.

  Christmas breakfast had not been the leisurely affair she’d expected. She’d known straight off she had time for only a cameo because she’d refused to leave Annie alone to handle the day’s chores. What had stunned Shea was the announcement Trace made when she’d tried to excuse herself from the table. The whole family was going to Safe Haven to help. Everyone except Barbara, who stayed behind to get a jump on dinner preparations.

  Jesse glanced over at her. “Don’t fall asleep. We still have dinner and presents.”

  She winced. “I didn’t buy you anything, Jesse. It was such a crazy week.”

  He picked up her hand and kissed the back. “I have what I want.”

  Her heart fluttered. Since this morning it had been hard to shut out what he’d said in the kitchen. Or to not think about Jamie’s upcoming move. Her job as a travel blogger allowed her to live anywhere. Shea wasn’t in quite the same situation, but the fact remained that a computer was all Shea needed, as well.

  A week ago, the mere idea of leaving her job would have seemed preposterous. God, hadn’t she suffered enough change in the past year? But several times today when she’d been seeing to the sick horses or feeding and playing with the goats, she’d fantasized about what it would be like to work permanently at a place like Safe Haven. She’d never thought of herself as an outdoor person...for good reason. She wasn’t, not even a little. But thinking about being stuck at a desk for fourteen hours a day really got to her.

  And then there was Jesse. Of course he was part of the equation. Leaving him would be the hardest thing she’d ever done in her life. But her logical brain refused to give her feelings for him unrealistic weight. She’d learned too much about herself in the past year to backslide now.

  What she had to do was stop thinking. Shame on her if she ruined her nearly perfect Christmas. Only two things would’ve made her day better—if Caleb had been found, and if Annie had accepted the McAllisters’ dinner invitation.

  Jesse parked in his normal spot and turned off the ignition, but he made no move to get out. He angled toward her and brushed aside her bangs. “What’s going on? You don’t look happy.”

  “I was thinking about Annie. I know she adores your family. She never goes anywhere unless she needs something for Safe Haven. I wish she’d given in and come to dinner.”

  “The holidays are a hard time for some people. Others prefer to be alone.” His mouth curved faintly. “I get that. I don’t know Annie well, but since she moved here she’s been a loner.”

  “Yeah, I get the solitary part, too.” Hard to believe after this past week.

  He cupped the back of her neck and pulled her in for a long slow kiss.

  Cole had parked somewhere behind them. Someone honked the pickup’s horn.

  From the back window, Jesse made a gesture with his hand she couldn’t see but it wasn’t hard to guess. With a laugh, she broke the kiss.

  “Children,” he muttered irritably.

  “And you were so mature.”

  Grinning, he opened his door. She heard her side open at the same time.

  It was Trace. “Everyone helps Mom with dinner.”

  Jesse sighed. “Shea, elbow him for me, would you?”

  She slid out of the truck and kissed Trace’s cheek. “Thank you for helping today.”

  “Hey, no problem.” He lifted his Stetson and resettled it, then headed for the house.

  Chuckling, Jesse took her hand. “You caught the kid off guard. Doesn’t happen often.”

  “Him? God, I can’t believe I did that.”

  “Yet you survived. How about that?”

  Sighing contentedly, she leaned into his side, and hands held tightly, they followed Trace. As soon as they made it through the front door, the craziness began.

  Everybody pitched in to finish dinner, and within a couple of hours the meal was on the table and they’d all eaten their fill. Trace cleared the dishes without complaint, for which he received a standing ovation from Rachel and Jamie.

  Next came the opening of presents. Shea had thought it was a bit strange to wait until the evening but she discovered the McAllisters didn’t exchange gifts so there wasn’t much to the ritual. Instead they chose two needy families in the county, provided them each with a side of beef for their freezer and lavished the children with wrapped toys and clothes.

  Against Barbara’s wishes, however, Rachel and the guys had bought her something. She’d gingerly opened the beautifully wrapped package, teared up as she smoothed her hand over the soft cashmere coat, then scolded her children for their extravagance.

  The only other gifts under the tree were the ones Jamie had brought for each member of the family. Shea was touched but embarrassed that Jamie even had a present for her...a pretty hunter-green scarf Jamie had picked up in Kalispell after meeting Shea.

  After the wrapping paper was collected and disposed of, Barbara left the group to make some phone calls. Cole and Jamie took their cue and disappeared, and Trace announced he was headed to a poker game in the bunkhouse with the two hands who’d elected not to go home for the holiday.

  “Come with me to the barn,” Jesse said, when Rachel excused herself, explaining she still had Christmas cards to open.

  Shea stared at him in disbelief. “Seriously?”

  “No, not that.” He smiled. “I have something for you.”

  “Oh, no.” Shea groaned. “Don’t do this,” she said, resisting when he rose and tried to pull her up with him.

  “What’s wrong? You’ll like this...I promise.”

  “Don’t you understand—”

  “No.” He forced her to her feet and led her to the back door, where their jackets hung on hooks in the mudroom.

  Although he appeared calm, she sensed his excitement, and felt his quickening pulse as he practically dragged her toward the barn.

  “I have nothing for you,” she muttered, miserable.

  “I told you.” He squeezed her hand. “I have what I want.”

  His sweet gesture did little to pacify her. “But it’s your fault,” she said. “You monopolized all of my free time.”

  “You complaining?” Grinning, he flipped on the barn lights, stole a quick kiss, then motioned with his chin. “Merry Christmas, sweetheart,” he said, slipping behind her and circling his arms around her waist.

  She let him draw her back against his chest as she stared at her gift. Bags of oats and corn were stacked four feet high and tied with a big sloppy red bow.

  He rested his chin on her shoulder so that their cheeks touched, his arms tightening around her waist. “Am I forgiven?”

  Shea laughed with complete delight. “I—I can’t believe you did this. It’s perfect.” Emotion rose in her chest. “It’s the nicest present I’ve ever—” She had to swallow. “Oh, Jesse...” Overwhelmed, she turned around in his arms and kissed his chin, then his cheek, though she’d been aiming for his mouth.

  “Hold on. There’s more.” He easily found her lips, but kept the kiss brief, practically a peck. “Come on.”

  “No, you can’t possibly do better than this.”

  “Trust me,” he said, his chocolate-brown eyes melting her.

  And because she did trust him, completely and unconditionally, she let him lead her out of the barn, past the corral while she struggled to deal
with the avalanche of emotions clouding her ability to think. In less than a week her life had changed. She’d changed. And yet she couldn’t see how that was possible. Even her parents had said she sounded different when she’d called them this morning. Not just her father, but her mother, who was normally oblivious to everything that didn’t pertain to her.

  But more incredible...what had nagged her most since this morning...she didn’t miss work. Didn’t miss the safe routine of going to her office, feeling secure in the knowledge that she was the best in her field and her computer never lied or judged.

  So lost in thought, she hadn’t realized they’d entered the stables until she heard one of the mares give a quiet nicker.

  Shea blinked at Jesse. He stopped in front of the next stall. Didn’t say a word, just waited, his gaze locked on her.

  She frowned, wondering if he’d spoken and she hadn’t heard him. Then she turned her head to see if she could figure out what she’d missed.

  Gasping, she clutched at her heart. She blinked rapidly at the beautiful strawberry-blond mane. Were her eyes playing a trick on her? “Caleb?” She stepped up to the stall, her outstretched hand trembling as she neared enough to touch him.

  Ears pricked forward, he lowered his head and blew short and hard through his flared nostrils.

  His warm breath hit her face, and her heart soared at his offer of friendship. “You remember me, don’t you, sweetie?” she whispered. “I looked for you. I swear I didn’t abandon you.”

  Jesse stroked her back. “I think he knows.”

  Emotion swelled in her throat and stung her eyes. She looked at him and saw that he was also affected. “How did you find him?”

  “I got in touch with the guy who took him to Annie. He told me where he’d found Caleb. I figured it was worth a shot to check if he’d tried to make his way home.” He shrugged. “I flew over the area, spotted him, called Trace and he brought a trailer.”

  “I can’t believe this.” God, she was going to cry.

  As if reading her mind, in that wonderful low quiet voice of his, Jesse said, “You’re allowed.”

  That pretty much pushed her over the edge and she buried her face against his shoulder. Still, she fought the tears, swallowing convulsively and squeezing her eyes shut. When Caleb neighed to get her attention, she pulled away from Jesse to stroke the roan’s velvety muzzle.

  “I don’t want him to return to Safe Haven,” she said, marveling at his beautiful coat. Someone had spent a lot of time grooming him...Jesse, of course. “I know Annie would take good care of him, but eventually she’d have to find him a home and I couldn’t bear...”

  “Caleb has a home. Don’t you, boy?” Jesse rubbed the horse’s mane, then looked at Shea. “He’s staying here at the Sundance. He’s yours. Whenever you want him, he’ll be here.”

  She didn’t trust her voice. She threw her arms around Jesse’s neck. He staggered back, laughing. “I have to admit, deciding to find him was a tough call. I knew I’d probably lose out to the guy.”

  Laughing along with him, she hugged him tighter. “No, never. I love you both.” It took her a few seconds to realize what she’d said, and she froze. Good God, what should she say or do now? Already the silent moment had stretched to awkwardness. “I, um...”

  Jesse pried her arms from around his neck, and she forgot how to breathe. She’d scared him. He probably wanted to push her as far away as possible. How could she explain she didn’t mean it? Not that way...except...God help her, what had she done? Had she fallen in love with him?

  Sadly, it probably didn’t matter, she thought as he drew away from her. She dropped her chin, finding it impossible to look at him.

  He forced it up, wouldn’t speak until she met his eyes.

  “It’s okay. I know how to share,” he said with a crooked smile.

  “Jesse...”

  “Shh.” He put a finger to her lips, then kissed her.

  She kissed him back, hanging on to him for all she was worth. When they finally came up for air, she said, “Hey, it’s still Christmas....” Grabbing his jacket, she backed up, tugging him along with her. “And I might have something for you, after all.”

  “Yeah?” Instantly getting her meaning, desire flared in his eyes. “Sorry, buddy,” he said to Caleb as she pulled Jesse toward the door.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow, sweetie.” She blew the roan an apologetic kiss.

  “Huh, you call him sweetie.”

  Pleasure shimmered down her spine. She still wasn’t sure this day was real. “What mushy name do you want me to call you?”

  “Mushy?” Jesse smiled. “Surprise me.”

  They laughed like a pair of teenagers, then turned to race for the house. Their jackets were off by the time they made it to the mudroom, and hung seconds later. Trying to be quiet, they entered the kitchen and made it halfway to the guest stairs. That’s when the bottom fell out.

  “Jesse?” Cole’s voice came from somewhere in the house.

  Jesse hesitated. With a wry twist of his mouth, he looked at Shea and sighed. “Yeah.”

  Cole showed up at the door to the dining room. His expression seemed strained, his posture tense. “Would you come in here?”

  “Now?”

  His brother’s frown deepened. “Now.”

  “What’s up?” His back stiff, Jesse mirrored his brother’s tension as he walked toward him.

  In answer, Cole turned around and went back the way he’d come. Shea wasn’t sure what to do. Something was very wrong. Jesse motioned for her to follow so she did.

  Everyone but Trace was sitting in the living room. Shea was glad to see Jamie because her presence bolstered Shea’s decision to stay. What made her wince was the grim set of Jamie’s features. Rachel stood near the fireplace, appearing anxious and maybe a little angry. Barbara’s eyes were red as though she’d been crying. A box of tissues sat beside her on the overstuffed couch.

  When Cole turned around, no question he was angry. His glare bore into Jesse as he passed him a piece of paper. “What’s this?”

  “Wait,” Rachel said. “First of all, you need to know that I opened your mail by mistake. It was mixed in with the Christmas cards I picked up yesterday. That said, what the hell is the matter with you?”

  Jesse gave no sign that he’d heard her. He continued to stare at the official-looking paper and wouldn’t raise his eyes. The pulse at his neck beat double-time. His jaw had tightened.

  “It’s not what you think,” he said finally. “I was just considering my options.”

  “But that you’ve even thought about it is insane,” Rachel said, her green eyes glassy. “Look at Mom. She’s a wreck.” She went to sit with Barbara on the couch, but it was clear that whatever Jesse’s alleged transgression, Rachel was also hurt.

  Jesse exhaled sharply and moved to put a hand on his mother’s shoulder. “Mom, I’m sorry.”

  “You didn’t feel it was worth mentioning,” Cole said in an even tone. “We’re your family, Jesse. Reenlisting is one hell of an option considering what it would mean to the rest of us.”

  Shea jerked, feeling as if someone had slapped her. Jesse wanted to reenlist in the air force? Questions swirled through her mind so fast she literally felt dizzy. He’d never said, never hinted...

  Barbara had captured Jesse’s hand, pinning it to her shoulder. He didn’t try to pull away, but looked over at Shea with stark eyes.

  Rachel sniffed, then cleared her throat. “What do you think about his harebrained notion, Shea?”

  She stood there, speechless, staring back at his family. Her knees were weak, her head light. For some reason her brain and mouth weren’t connecting.

  “She didn’t know,” Jesse said. “Leave her out of this.”

  Shea swallowed, having trouble even making her throat work. How could she be hurt by his words? He was right. For a minute there she’d felt like a small part of the family, like she mattered to him. But in the end, nothing had changed in her tiny insular
world.

  “Excuse me,” she murmured and turned around.

  “Shea, wait.”

  She ignored Jesse, ignored everyone, yet managed to stay calm as she made it through the dining room to the kitchen. Once she was out of sight and earshot, she ran up the stairs to her room. She closed the door and leaned back against it for support.

  Her heart raced. She pressed her palms to her cheeks. Her face was burning up. Why hadn’t he told her? It wasn’t as if she thought he’d been stringing her along for sex. Jesse wasn’t like that. It was a matter of trust and sharing...and her being so hopelessly foolish. She’d let him in, bared her innermost fears and struggles. God, she’d told him everything. She’d thought he’d confided in her, as well. But he’d held back.

  He had that right. She understood that at some level, but it still hurt that he hadn’t considered her someone he could trust.

  Letting her head fall back against the door, she closed her eyes. Maybe this was more about her than Jesse. How could she have fooled herself into believing she’d grown into a normal person in just a week? Clearly she was even more clueless than she’d imagined.

  No. She refused to accept that. Coming to Montana had helped her. Jesse had helped her. So had working at Safe Haven. Because in spite of everything, she knew she no longer wanted her old life. She didn’t want her only friend to be a computer.

  Oh, God, she wanted Jesse.

  Maybe his reenlisting was for the best. Not for his family, clearly, but for her. Shea adored Annie and what she was trying to accomplish, and Shea knew she could be an asset to the shelter. If she made the move, it didn’t mean entirely giving up her job. Her boss needed her. They could work out something part-time.

  So if Jesse reenlisted, she and everyone else would know her decision had nothing to do with him. Except that wasn’t the complete truth. Pressing a hand to her queasy stomach, she slowly pushed away from the door.

  If she didn’t want to be sick, she had to get out of here.

  * * *

  JESSE STILL HAD some mending to do with his family. They were hurt and angry, and he didn’t blame them. He’d been selfish, too caught up in his own bullshit to truly see their side or allow them a voice. But he did see the situation more clearly now, had for a couple days. Thanks to Shea.