Angel Without

by Rhiannon Ayers

  “Something on your mind?”

  He glanced at her, giving her an ironic smile. “Kinda.”

  “Okay,” she said, giving him an encouraging smile. “What’s up?”

  He was silent for a moment, thinking hard. Then he sighed. “Why are you so afraid of Maddox? Did he do something to you that I don’t know about?”

  Amber winced. “That obvious, huh?”

  He shrugged one shoulder. “A bit.”

  She looked out the windshield, trying to think of a way to explain her fears to someone who had no experience with the world she and Maddox knew instinctively. It was part of Riley’s nature, too, but it was more than obvious he had no idea there was a term for it, or that it could apply to a whole lifestyle. Finally, she shook her head and gave him a pained smile.

  “It’s complicated, I guess.”

  Riley scowled. He opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again. She watched him, wondering why he looked so angry, but waited to see what he would say.

  Finally, “Do you and Maddox think I’m, like, really dumb, or something?”

  Amber’s eyes went wide, her mouth dropping open in shock. “What? Why on earth would you think something like that?”

  He wouldn’t look at her. “I asked him about it, and he said the same thing. Like neither one of you thinks I’m capable of understanding…whatever’s been going on between you. Made me wonder if you guys just don’t think I’m smart enough to get it, or something.”

  “Pull over,” Amber said flatly. He glanced at her, one eyebrow raised. She met his look with a fierce glare. “Pull over, Riley.”

  He stared at her for a moment, then shrugged. He found a mostly empty parking lot near a small strip center and pulled into a vacant spot. The moment he cut the engine, Amber popped her seat belt and climbed into his lap, wrapping both hands around his face as she looked into his eyes.

  “You are not dumb,” she told him fiercely, willing him to believe her. “It’s complicated because it’s not easy to explain with words, not because it’s difficult to understand. Okay? Don’t ever say things like that, Riley. It’s just hard to explain.”

  He rested his palms on her thighs, his expression serious. “Try.”

  She bit her lip, thinking hard. Was there a way to explain her ridiculous fear without going into details about the D/s lifestyle? Because she sure as hell didn’t want to be the one to introduce those concepts to him. If Riley had never been curious, never experimented, she didn’t want to be the one to make him realize there was a whole other world out there, where sexual gratification was couched in terms of power exchange between the people involved, where pleasure came more from the circumstances surrounding the encounter than the physical motion.

  Especially since she barely understood it all herself.

  Amber took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and looked him in the eye, hiding nothing. “When I was younger,” she began in a tight voice, “I got involved with a man who…mistreated me. I didn’t… realize it, at the time, because he was my first, and because I had no experience whatsoever with anything involving sex. It took me a while to realize something was wrong, and when I did, it took a while longer to get out of the relationship.”

  She paused, cleared her throat. “That was years ago, but it still…affects me. And there are…certain things about Maddox that remind me of my ex, things that make me react with fear, even though I know Maddox would never hurt me. It’s a knee-jerk reaction. Kind of like, if you’ve ever been in a car accident. Whenever you hear tires screeching, you flinch. Doesn’t mean you think you’re getting into another accident right then, it’s just a sound connected to an emotion that’s associated with that time in your life, and it makes you react with fear, even though there’s no reason to do so.”

  Riley’s eyebrows drew down in a fierce scowl, his hands cinching tight around her waist. “What did he do to you? Your ex?”

  Amber flinched despite her best efforts. She shook her head. “I really don’t want to get into that, Riley. Really, it’s not important, anyway.”

  “Yes, it is,” he told her with a deep growl. “If something bad happened to you, I need to know.”

  She caressed his cheek, planted a light kiss on his lips. “Thank you, but it’s the past.”

  He shook his head slowly. “No, it isn’t,” he refuted seriously. “Not if it’s affecting you now, when you’re with me and Maddox. I can’t stand seeing the way you shrink away from him, Amber. Maddox is the best guy I know. He would never, ever, not in a million years, hurt a woman. Or anyone, for that matter. Seeing you afraid of him…” He trailed off, his expression pained.

  She closed her eyes briefly. “I know. It hurts him, too. I feel it. But I’m getting past it, okay? Actually, meeting Maddox is probably the best thing that’s happened to me since…everything fell apart. Just being around him—and you—is making me realize that I had a lot of things wrong for a very long time.”

  “But what is it about Maddox, then?” he asked, obviously still trying to understand.

  “I can’t tell you.” When he scowled, she shook her head quickly. “Not because I don’t want to. It’s a quality about him, something unique to his nature that somehow reminds me…that makes think of that time in my life. It’s not really Maddox himself. It’s just something undefinable about him that calls to those memories, whether I want it to or not. Whenever I focus on him, just Maddox, the fear goes away.”

  He cocked his head slightly. “That…actually kind of made sense,” he said slowly. “Sidri and Tatum have that same sort of…I don’t know, charisma, I guess. Makes people do a double-take, wonder why that particular person seems different than everyone else.”

  She nodded. “Exactly. They affect me the same way, Riley. I can’t even be in the same room with Tatum. He scares me more than Maddox does, and for even less reason. I don’t know how to define that, either. I’m happy for my brother, don’t get me wrong—he deserves to be loved by two such wonderful people, who obviously think the world of him. But I don’t know if I could be in his shoes, if I could deal with…whatever it is about the two of them on a daily basis. They’re just so much…”

  “More,” Riley finished for her, nodding with a thoughtful look on his face. “Yeah, I get that. Never met anyone like them before. Or Maddox.”

  Amber squeezed his shoulders, gave him an earnest look. “I promise you, I’m working through it, okay? You and Maddox are both helping me. Like I said, right now it’s just a knee-jerk reaction. Eventually, I’ll be able to see Maddox for himself, not get caught up in whatever it is about him that reminds me of my ex. Trust me, Riley, between the two of you, I’m getting a lot braver.”

  Riley smiled, leaning forward to rest his forehead against hers with a little sigh. “All right. If you say so. If there’s anything I can do to help you, please, let me know, okay? I really do hate to see you afraid of him. Maddox is the best guy I know. Bar none. You can trust him with your life. I certainly do.”

  Amber swallowed past the sudden lump in her throat, giving him a soft kiss before sliding off his lap and settling back in her seat. She clicked her seatbelt, gestured toward the traffic on the nearby street. “Guess we better get there, huh? Before this fabled lunch rush I’ve been teased with? Which, I suspect, is just an excuse so you won’t have to be stuck looking at towels and china designs for more than an hour?”

  Riley snorted out a laugh, putting the truck in gear and merging into the early morning traffic. “Whatever, pixie. Don’t doubt the master. He always knows what he’s talking about.”

  Amber hid a shiver, quickly looking out her passenger side window so he wouldn’t see her expression. She didn’t want to answer any questions about why that particular word sent fear skittering down her spine. Brandon always demanded she call him “Master,” and always right before he did something she thought she would enjoy, only to find herself desperately wishing it would end as quickly as possible.

  She’d have to talk to Alle
n about this soon. If anyone could understand her fears, her brother could. Though it would be awkward, talking about sex with her sibling, he was the one person who knew—intimately—exactly what she was going through. He could answer questions that not even Maddox could, simply because he was a sub like her.

  Did Sidri and Tatum demand he call them Mistress and Master when they were private together? Did they make him get on his knees, beg for the least little bit of affection? Maddox said they didn’t use restraints on her brother, but how could he possibly know? Psychological Domination or not, there still had to be some sort of power exchange.

  That’s what it was all about, wasn’t it?

  Making a mental note to call her brother as soon as she got a little time to herself, Amber forced her mind away from those unsettling thoughts, concentrating on the scenery outside. This part of Houston was incredibly busy, one of the major shopping meccas that attracted residents from all over. The road they were on was five lanes on each side of the median—as big as some freeways. Hundreds of businesses were located here, both retail centers and offices, and there was literally no end to what you could find in the Westheimer District. Any food you could think of, any type of store, anything and everything a person could possibly wish to purchase could be found here.

  You would think, with all that variety, they would have no need of a super-center like Walmart. Yet there it was, coming up on their left, a monstrosity of a building tucked on the far side of a parking lot big enough to house a gazillion vehicles. Amber looked around with interest—not at the store, but at the people walking toward it. Every ethnicity, every class, every type of person who lived in the city of Houston could be found in this parking lot if one sat long enough. It was a hodge-podge, a melting pot, where people came together to feed their retail addiction without worrying about social classes or standards beyond getting the best possible bargain.

  She was bouncing in her seat by the time Riley found a parking space, making him shake his head and laugh at her. Amber grinned, simply enjoying the chance to feel like a normal person for once. Growing up the way she did, in a huge mansion with a powerful father who constantly rubbed elbows with the city’s elite, she’d never had much opportunity to simply mingle with other people. In point of fact, her father preferred she didn’t leave the house unless it was for some event that would benefit him or his church. He’d been positively livid when she got a job, saying she was demeaning herself by becoming a common secretary. But Amber just ignored him, choosing to go her own way for the first time in her life.

  It was the first time she openly defied her father, outside of her own mind. Getting that job had been the impetus behind her decision to take her own life in her own hands, the starting line where she’d finally decided to live her own life instead of the one he chose for her.

  That had been the first step. The second had been discovering she didn’t love Wes as much as she’d thought. Even before Wes went crazy and hurt her, she’d been considering leaving him. What she wouldn’t give to go back in time and act on that choice before he had gotten physical with her. Maybe then she could have avoided what happened afterward, in her father’s house.

  Shying away from that horrible memory, she waited for Riley to come around the truck and help her down. Then, holding hands with him, she followed him into the huge department store, feeling as if she were doing something a lot more significant that going into a Walmart for the first time.

  As if she were finally, at long last, choosing her own path in life.

  Chapter 16

  Riley leaned against Amber’s kitchen island, a little smile on his face as he watched her happily unpacking all her kitchen goodies, and thought, Damn, I could get used to this.

  Shopping with Amber was a trip. When he was younger, he used to hate it when his sister dragged him along, hated having to walk through endless aisles, looking at crap he couldn’t really care less about. He’d gotten to the point where he’d hide and make sure she couldn’t find him whenever she got it into her head to go shopping again. Even now, years since the last time Stacy dragged him along like a well-loved toy, he still cringed whenever he thought about going shopping.

  But with Amber…He smiled softly, watching her coo over the Art Deco plates she’d found on sale. She was like a little kid going into Toys “R” Us for the very first time, with the way she’d stared around the store in wide-eyed wonder. She’d never been to a store where they literally sold everything in one place, she’d told him. Her awe at finding automotive supplies next to arts and crafts tickled him into grinning like an imbecile for hours. And her open shock at discovering she could get a set of pots, pans, plates, glasses, and silverware for less than a hundred dollars made him laugh out loud. She’d been so stunned when she saw the price tag on the set of plates, he’d had to shut her mouth for her.

  Amber was unlike any woman he’d ever met before. She was so sweet, so innocent, looking at the world through those big blue eyes, certain everything was shiny and new and meant just to delight her. And yet there were shadows in those beautiful eyes, a deep inner knowledge that the world was most definitely not made up of rainbows and sunshine. She’d been through some of the most horrible things a person could ever experience, yet still had this air of perfect innocence. It blew his mind.

  There was no guile to her. No coyness. She was who she was, end of story. Her emotions were written on her face for the world to see, with no attempt to dissemble. Yet she surprised him at every turn, saying and doing things he never would have expected from her.

  Like when they were passing by the clothing section. Riley had cringed inwardly, certain she’d want to go browsing, but she surprised him by grimacing and marching past the aisles as quickly as possible, making him have to run to catch up.

  “You don’t want to look at clothes?” he’d asked incredulously.

  Amber tossed him a black look. “I hate shopping for clothes. Besides, Allen already made me buy new shirts and jeans. I have plenty.”

  He shook his head, thoroughly stunned. “But I thought chicks loved that kind of sh…stuff.”

  She rolled her eyes. “I’m not a chick, thank you very much. Now, where do we find towels?”

  He gestured toward the home goods section, but couldn’t let it drop. “Why not, though? Why don’t you want to look at clothes?”

  Amber grimaced again. “I hate looking at clothes, okay? I have to shop in the juniors’ section to find stuff that fits. Do you know how embarrassing that is when you’re twenty-four? I’m already mistaken for younger than I am just because I’m so little. I hate it that I have to wear clothes that make me look ten years younger, just because those are the only sizes that fit.”

  Riley just blinked at her. “Wow. I thought most women wanted to be your size.”

  She snorted, striding down the aisle that contained towels and bathroom decorations and stopping at a display of big, fluffy bath sheets. “Yeah, well, most women are idiots. Nobody is ever happy with who they actually are, are they? Grass is always greener on the other side of the clothing rack. What I wouldn’t give to wear a size with double-digits. Then I might actually feel grown up, instead of like a grown-ass woman stuck in the body of a perpetual child.”

  He’d followed her with his mouth hanging open for a long time after that, utterly stunned. Every woman he’d ever met had been self-conscious about her size because she thought she was too big—he’d never met one who actually wanted to be bigger. As far as he was concerned, Amber was perfect. Short, yeah, but that just meant she fit perfectly in his arms. Yeah, she was little, but she had serious tits and an ass that wouldn’t quit. Those long legs, that tiny waist, those big blue eyes… He’d had to adjust himself surreptitiously after that, force his mind away from just how beautiful she was, lest he get himself in serious trouble, right in the middle of Walmart.

  And yet, it seemed as if Amber’s cynicism only extended toward herself. The moment her focus shifted to the world around her, sh
e was all smiles, taking everything in with open, honest enjoyment. When they left the store, they had two carts filled to the brim, so that they both had their own to push. Amber had been grinning like a loon, making him laugh just because she seemed so happy. She flashed him a joyful smile, then suddenly shouted, “Race you!”

  And before he could react, she took a running start behind her cart, jumped up to land with her feet on the cross-bar, and was hanging on tight as the cart went pell-mell across the parking lot, her hair flying out like a flag behind her. Cursing, he raced after her, but there was no way he could catch her. By the time he caught up, she was leaning against his truck, pretending to snore.

  “You cheat,” he told her flatly, bringing his cart up next to hers.

  She looked up at him from beneath her lashes, her eyes flashing with sass and vinegar. “Whine, whine, whine. You lost, admit it.”

  He snorted out a laugh, tying the bags in his cart shut so they wouldn’t spill their contents all over the bed of his truck during the trek back to her place. She copied him, but let him put the bags into the bed, since she was too short to reach over the sides herself. The whole time, she kept up a running litany, shaking her head in mock disgust and poking jabs at him for losing to a girl. And the smart-ass had teased him the whole way home, too. He’d pretended to be annoyed, but in reality he was tickled no end, seeing her eyes flash with self-satisfaction. Riley would gladly put up with her teasing him every day, so long as he got to see that glow on her face, got to see her feeling bold and sassy like that.

  She turned him on just by existing—and for the first time in his life, it had nothing to do with purely physical elements. Yes, she was beautiful, with a gorgeous body and the face of an angel. But for the first time ever, he was coming to appreciate a woman for who she was on the inside, not just the pretty packaging.