Angel Without

by Rhiannon Ayers

  Riley chewed his lower lip. “But…but isn’t that part of being submissive? Giving up control?”

  Maddox laughed again, the sound filled with jagged glass. “Yes, Riley. Giving. As in, purposefully making the choice to give someone else control. Amber may have made that choice at the very beginning, but after that…” he shuddered. “That bastard took away her right to say no. He claimed he was teaching her to be a sub, and therefore she had to do anything he asked—without the possibility of refusing. And since she didn’t know she had the right to make her own choices, the bastard got away with some seriously fucked up shit before she finally figured it out.”

  The anger was back in full swing. Riley growled, “What did he do to her?”

  Maddox met his eyes. “She didn’t tell me all of it. But, I can guess. He restrained her, first and foremost. Forced her to contort herself, hurt herself, so he could do whatever he wanted to her. And while he had her trapped and helpless, he beat her. Repeatedly. He beat her black-and-blue.”

  Riley started cursing quietly, viciously. He nearly shouted, “Why? Why would she want to be tied up in the first place? And why would that fuckwad want to do it to her? What the fuck is it about this D/s crap that makes people want to hurt each other?”

  Maddox snarled, “If you ever lump me in with that asshole again, Riley, you and I are finished. Do you understand me?” His voice was arctic cold, deadly serious.

  Riley stepped back, somewhat chastened, though the anger still burned brightly in his gut. He swallowed hard and looked back up at Maddox. “I’m sorry, okay? I really am trying to understand. The stuff that we did together last night…That was amazing. If that’s you being a Dom…” He paused, had to lick his lips as Maddox’s eyes flashed with sudden lust. “But I don’t understand why a Dom wants so much control to begin with. I get the motion thing, that makes sense. But why tie a woman up unless it’s to make yourself feel more powerful? What am I missing?”

  Maddox sighed again. “It has to be what the sub needs, not the Dom. Some subs need the actual restraints, some don’t. For a sub like Amber, it’s as simple as receiving a command to follow. She needs to know she’s doing exactly what I want her to do during a sexual encounter. She can’t lose herself in the moment if she’s afraid she’s doing something wrong. I give her commands because I know that’s what she needs from me—not because I’m on some godforsaken power trip and I want to exert control over her.”

  Riley frowned, honestly trying to understand what Maddox was trying to say. “But…you liked being in control,” he said, his voice dropping on the last word. He cleared his throat. “I know you did.”

  Maddox’s silver eyes flashed appreciatively. “Of course I did. I wouldn’t be a Dom if I didn’t prefer to be in control. But you need to understand that, just because I like being in control, that doesn’t mean everything I do is for myself. It’s the exact opposite.”

  He met Riley’s eyes frankly. “If I knew Amber didn’t want me to give her commands, I wouldn’t give her any. Do you get that? Everything I am, everything that makes a Dom who and what he is, is devoted to meeting a sub’s needs on all possible levels. Therefore, if I knew there was something she truly didn’t want, I would never—could never—ask it of her. It’s not about me, despite my being the Dom. It’s about her, her needs, her desires. If that means giving her commands, that’s what I do. If it means daring her to throw her inhibitions out the window, that’s what I do. But I would never, ever command her to do something I know she won’t enjoy.

  “So, to answer your asinine questions from a moment ago, no, I most certainly do not enjoy hurting or demeaning women, and I most certainly have no intention of doing anything of the sort with Amber. Amber doesn’t enjoy pain with her pleasure—therefore, I would never ask it of her.”

  Riley chewed the inside of his cheek, thinking hard. “What if…” He paused, cleared his throat. “What if she did, you know, like pain? What if…what if she wanted you to whip her?”

  Maddox flinched. “I couldn’t,” he whispered, his voice full of so many deep, dark shadows, Riley felt their presence like clouds passing over the sun. “Even if she…did want that…I couldn’t do it. It’s not in my nature.”

  “But there are subs who do like it,” Riley said slowly. “What about them? What about their Doms? Are you saying they only do it because the sub wants it? That they don’t enjoy wielding that whip?”

  Maddox rubbed his forehead, expression pained. “Yes, Riley, they would enjoy it. But not unless the sub actually wants them to do it. Don’t you get it?”

  His eyes went quicksilver, expression fierce. “A man who wields a whip on a woman because he likes hurting her is a sadist, a monster. A sexual Dominant will not—cannot—use pain for pleasure if the sub doesn’t want it. It goes against everything we are.”

  And just like that, the lightbulb went off in Riley’s head. He stared at Maddox, eyes wide. “Holy fuck, Maddox. If that’s true, then that means Brandon…”

  Maddox nodded slowly. “Starting to get it, aren’t you? Everything he did to Amber, he did because he wanted to do it—not because she wanted it. He purposefully deceived her into thinking she had no right to express her own wants and needs, because she was a sub and therefore had no need of her own wants or needs. He twisted everything it means to be a Dom to serve his own purposes. Ignored everything that a Dom is supposed to do for a sub in his care. And because he abused her, Amber no longer believes she has the right to her own desires.

  “That bastard raped her,” he spit venomously. “Repeatedly. He took away her right to say no, took away all her choices so she thought she had no other option but to let him abuse her. For months, he used her, twisting her perception of sex to the point where she could no longer trust her instincts. He killed her spirit, killed her trust in herself.”

  Maddox ground his teeth together so hard, Riley could see the muscles jumping in his cheeks. “If I ever meet that fuckhead, I will rip his mother-fucking face off, I swear to God.”

  “Get in line,” Riley ground out. Maddox flashed him a tiny smile. “Jesus, Amber really did go through some tough shit, didn’t she? Fuck, I had no idea. But still…” He paused, bit his lip. “Still, even understanding all that about her ex, that doesn’t explain why she’s afraid of you. Surely she doesn’t think you and Brandon are the same, right? I mean, she told me flat out that once she concentrates on you, just Maddox, then her fear goes away. So what is it about you being a Dom that makes her think of Brandon? That’s what I don’t get.”

  Maddox sucked in several deep breaths, then faced Riley, his expression bleak. “She’s afraid of me,” he whispered, “because she’s afraid all Doms are like he was. She’s afraid I’ll do the same things to her, just because he said he was a Dom, and that means all Doms want the same twisted things from their subs, right?” He laughed harshly.

  “You’ve seen her flinch, seen her freeze whenever I get close to her. It’s because that bastard fucked with her head, made her believe being a sub meant being raped instead of loved. And because she is a true submissive, she craves a Dom’s control—and she thinks being under the control of a Dom means being demeaned, raped, without having any right to say no.”

  Chapter 17

  Riley’s mouth worked up and down, but no sound came out. Holy fuck. Some of this was actually starting to make sense to him. He lowered himself back down onto the bucket, mind in overdrive.

  “So…wait. She’s not really afraid of you, per se,” Riley said slowly. “She’s really afraid of herself, isn’t she? Afraid that because she’s a sub, she’ll crave a Dom’s control too much, and end up in the same kind of relationship she was in before. She was fucked with so badly the first time, she doesn’t trust she’ll be able to tell the good apples from the bad.”

  Maddox nodded slowly. “That’s true. She doesn’t trust her instincts.” He closed his eyes, pinched the bridge of his nose. “She also doesn’t even know what it really means to be a sub. Brand
on twisted everything, remember? She thinks it’s all about power exchange, that that’s all there is to it. Everything she thinks she knows is wrong.”

  “She probably doesn’t even know that what happened between us last night was you being a Dom. She doesn’t realize that’s part of the game, does she? That asshole fucked her up so bad she can’t even see that what he did to her was sick, twisted. She doesn’t even realize you’ve already been her Dom—she’s still afraid you’re going to turn into what he was.”

  Maddox closed his eyes, leaning back against the wall. “Yeah. That’s it exactly.”

  Riley rested his elbows on his knees and buried his face in his hands. Christ God Almighty, this was so much more complicated than he’d thought. This was deep shit. As in, deep introspective soul-searching crap. The stuff he wasn’t good at to begin with.

  What would it be like to be completely afraid of yourself? Because that’s what Amber was. She feared her own body’s need for a Dom’s control. Her instincts had been screwed up so bad, she could no longer tell up from down. What would it be like to fear something you knew you needed? It would be like a brain surgeon being afraid of scalpels. God, and he thought he had problems? His struggle with admitting he wanted sex with another man was nothing compared to Amber’s issues. Yet, she’d had the courage to come over to Maddox’s house last night. Had the courage to sleep with both of them. What kind of deep inner strength would that take? To purposefully sleep with the thing you feared more than anything else on earth?

  He looked up at Maddox. “I can’t believe how strong she is. I can’t even imagine going through shit like that.”

  Maddox gave him a tight half smile. “Yes, she’s strong. So very, very strong. But she doesn’t even realize it. That’s another thing that kills me—she sees herself as this meek little mouse, someone other people are destined to step on. She doesn’t recognize her own strength, or her impact on the people around her.”

  Riley rose to his feet, suddenly determined. “How can I help?”

  Some of the anger drained from Maddox’s face, his eyes going quicksilver once more. “You already are helping, Riley. Just by being here. Don’t think you aren’t.”

  Riley shook his head. “No, I’m not. Tell me what I need to do.”

  “You’re already doing it,” Maddox said softly. “If it wasn’t for you, I don’t think Amber would have had the courage to come over last night. You made everything possible.”

  He cocked his head. “Seriously? How?”

  Maddox laughed. “What she needed the most was to be a part of a sexual encounter without being the focus of it. You did that for us, Riley. She was so focused on getting you into my bed, she let her inhibitions go. Amber was tickled by the idea of you and I being together.”

  “How did she even know?” Riley asked. “Did you tell her?”

  Maddox snorted. “No. Apparently, her brother told her I had a crush on you.”

  Riley rolled his eyes. “Dude, are you for real? A crush? What are we, twelve? Did you guys go home and braid each other’s hair after you gossiped about your crushes?”

  Maddox laughed out loud. He walked over to Riley, circled his waist with both hands, and rested his forehead against the shorter man’s, heaving a soft sigh. “That’s why I love you, Riley. You help me remember not to take myself so seriously all the time.”

  Riley froze in the act of threading his fingers through Maddox’s belt loops. Did he seriously just say that? He swallowed. “Did…did you…did you just say…”

  Maddox pulled back slightly, running his fingers through Riley’s hair as he looked him straight in the eye. “Yeah, Riley. I did. I said I love you. Pretty sure I’ve been in love with you for a while now. It took Amber coming into our lives to make me admit it, but yeah, it’s true.”

  Riley just stared at him, mouth hanging open, for a long moment.

  Then he reached up with both hands and yanked Maddox down for a hard, hot kiss. Maddox let him have control for all of a heartbeat, then let loose a possessive growl and jammed his fingers through Riley’s hair, gripping his skull while he angled his head the way he wanted. Riley gasped as Maddox started walking him backward, slamming him against the wall almost violently, all the while kissing him like he was desperate for the taste of Riley’s mouth.

  For a moment, Riley fought the urge to run his hands all over Maddox—it was a desire he’d been suppressing for months, after all. Then it suddenly occurred to him: I don’t have to resist anymore. I can touch him. Holy fuck, I can touch Maddox. With a groan of pure need, he started doing just that, running his palms over every inch of that silky soft skin, up and down Maddox’s back, over his sides, across his rock-hard abs, everywhere he could reach. God help him, Maddox was so hot, radiating heat like a furnace. His body was nothing but steely, hard muscles covered by skin like butter-soft velvet. It was such an intoxicating combination, Riley quickly lost himself in his explorations.

  Maddox shuddered in his arms, as if he found Riley’s touch intensely pleasurable. He started tugging at Riley’s belt, practically tearing the leather in his haste to get it open. Riley’s cock was a steel bar in his jeans, throbbing against his zipper and leaking copious amounts of pre-cum. He slid his hands down Maddox’s hard chest, started trying to undo the button on his jeans with shaking fingers.

  Someone knocked on the door. “Boss?”

  Riley froze, looking up at Maddox with wild eyes as the taller man stopped kissing him with a muttered curse. He took a deep breath, looking Riley in the eye as he continued pulling the tongue of his belt out. “What is it, Troy?”

  The doorknob rattled. “You okay in there, boss? You’ve been real quiet today.”

  Riley clamped both hands around Maddox’s wrists, trying to stop him from removing his belt, but Maddox shook his head adamantly. He took hold of the buckle, starting pulling the leather out, one loop at a time.

  “I’m fine, Troy,” Maddox said conversationally, even as his silver eyes burned with lust. “Did you need something?”

  Riley was panting, eyes darting between the closed door and Maddox’s determined expression. What if Troy got suspicious? Wouldn’t take much to get that door open. What if he walked in to find Maddox’s hands inside Riley’s jeans, fondling his cock? He waited for the embarrassment, the mortification he felt certain would wash through him. But, to his utter surprise, all he felt was tumultuous lust.

  Apparently I have a thing for voyeurism. Who knew?

  “Me and the guys were going to go get something to eat,” Troy said after a pause. “Did you want to join us?”

  “No, thanks though.” Maddox finished pulling Riley’s belt off, wrapped it into a tight ball, and set it down gently on top of his tool chest. Then he reached for Riley’s jeans’ button. “I’ve got everything I need here. You guys go ahead.”

  Silence on the other side of the door. Then, “Okay, if you say so. You seen Riley today? He hasn’t been around.”

  Riley’s eyes went wide. He tried to pull away, but he was already backed against the wall, with nowhere to go. Maddox shot him a look that clearly said, “Be still.”

  “Riley is around somewhere,” Maddox answered, just as he popped the button on Riley’s jeans. “He’s supposed to be watching out for Allen’s little sister today.”

  “Oh, okay.” The doorknob rattled again, making Riley jump. “You sure you’re okay, boss?”

  Maddox started pulling Riley’s zipper down, one tooth at a time. “Never better. You guys take your time. You’ve all been busting ass this week. Take a long lunch. Enjoy it.”

  “Are you crazy?” Riley hissed. “What the hell are you doing?”

  Maddox raised an eyebrow. “I’m trying to get them to leave us the fuck alone,” he whispered. “Unless you were hoping to have seven other guys join us when I bend you over my tool chest, I suggest you shut up.”

  Riley stared at his lover with eyes the size of dinner plates while lust washed through him like a tidal wave. Hearing Maddo
x talk like that, so forceful, so certain of his control, set his libido on high alert. He never would have imagined himself to be the type who wanted someone else in control during a sexual encounter, but damn if he didn’t love it when Maddox got like this.

  Wait, does that mean I’m like Amber? Am I a sub, too? The thought made him uncomfortable for all of a heartbeat—until Maddox whispered, “Your choice, Riley. Always.”

  And in that instance, all thought of discomfort disappeared. The hell did he care what label went with his attraction for Maddox? He wanted the guy. Wanted him desperately. Whatever it took to be with him, Riley would give it, body and soul. He stared up into Maddox’s beautiful silver eyes while they both listened to the rest of the crew tromp down the stairs and out of the house.

  “All right, we’re going,” Troy said at last. “Let me know if you need anything, boss.”

  “Will do,” Maddox said with a sultry smile for Riley. They both heard Troy slap the door a couple of times as a farewell, listened to him walk down the stairs. The moment the front door closed and they knew they were finally alone, Riley let loose a hungry groan, threw his arms around his lover’s neck, and attacked his mouth with a passionate kiss.

  Maddox didn’t waste any time getting his hands on Riley’s screaming dick. He yanked Riley’s shorts and jeans down, palming his cock with one hand, his balls with the other. Riley gasped, rising up on his toes as he fought to get closer, tried to climb right inside Maddox’s body. It felt so fucking good, having the guy’s strong hands on him. Maddox jerked him off roughly, just the way Riley always loved it, obviously unafraid of hurting him. It set his blood to boiling instantly. And all the while, Maddox kept kissing him, owning his mouth with lips, teeth, and tongue, sending Riley into a tailspin of endless desire.

  When they were both panting for air, Maddox suddenly drew back. He slewed Riley around in his arms until his back was to Maddox’s front, then shoved him forward so he had no choice but to bend at the waist and brace his hands on the tool chest in front of him. Riley gasped, legs quaking uncontrollably as Maddox ripped his jeans down around his ankles, leaving his ass exposed to the cool air in the room. But Riley didn’t have time to think about how ridiculous he must look right now, with his pants around his ankles and his ass in the air. Maddox was right behind him, fingers busy working lube into his fluttering ring.