Were Me Out

by Robyn Peterman

  “It’s the Bobs,” Junior whispered in my ear. “Bad ass mother humpers.”

  Holy hell on earth, I’d heard of the Bobs. Every Shifter alive had heard of the Bobs. Most people thought the Bobs were a myth.

  They weren’t.

  They were here and they weren’t happy.

  “I’m not talking to you, you old fuckers,” Giles shouted at the top of his lungs. “I want a lawyer.”

  “Essie, please handle this,” Bob One said nodding his head to her.

  “Is your ass jealous of the shit that just came out of your mouth?” Essie snapped as she twisted one of the knives in Giles shoulder. “You don’t ever talk to a Bob like that. And if you knew anything about anything, attacking an Alpha trumps your right to a lawyer. It’s a Council rule.”

  She paused and turned to the Bobs, who were cringing at her use of metaphor. However, Hank was grinning proudly from ear to ear.

  “About that,” she said to them. “That is kind of bullshit—not that the feces on the wall deserves a lawyer. But apparently a good portion of the Council has wandering and buyable peckers. We should rethink the lawyer thing.”

  “Or replace the traitors on the Council,” Bob Two said tonelessly with squinty eyed pleasure.

  “I agree,” Giles yelled.

  “Nobody asked you,” Hank said.

  “We’ve verified the banking statements,” Bob One said. “Millions were syphoned, but we’ll retrieve most of it. Stealing alone merits a severe punishment. However, the attempted murder of an Alpha merits oh, so much more.”

  The gleeful look in Bob One’s eyes was positively feral, but Giles just laughed and spit at him. Giles was every kind of an idiot—with a death wish.

  “You can’t do nothin’ to me, you shittin’ asshole. I got me protection. That’s right mother fuckers, David, Scott, Chris and Brian swore on their…” Giles voice petered out and he paled considerably when he realized he’d just outed his sources on the Council.

  “I’m so disappointed,” Bob Three said, piping up for the first time. “I was hoping this would be more difficult. Where’s the fun if he just blabs immediately?”

  “No fun at all,” Bob Two agreed. “I was hoping to peel his skin from his body to make him talk.”

  Now we were all pale.

  “No worries, comrades,” Bob One assured his companions. “The night is young and I’m quite sure Giles has more to share. Am I correct Giles?”

  “You gonna kill me, you sick bastard?” he shouted. “There are witnesses here. You kill me and word’s gonna spread.”

  “And your point is?” Bob One asked with a yawn of boredom.

  Giles brow wrinkled in confusion as he tried to figure out a comeback to a statement he didn’t understand. But Giles being Giles came up with something…

  “I don’t got me enough middle fingers to tell you what kind of jacked up fucks you are,” he shouted, getting his idiot back on.

  “Giles, Giles, Giles… while you amuse me I really don’t have time for this,” Bob One, clearly the head Bob, said. “Killing you would be kind. I’m not kind.”

  “I can second that,” Essie volunteered.

  “Thank you,” he replied.

  “Welcome,” Essie said.

  “You are shunned. You are no longer and will never be welcome amongst any Were Kind for the rest of your years. You will be watched 24/7. If you ever defy your punishment you will be locked in a cell and beaten daily. Once you heal you will be beaten within an inch of your life again and again and again. Am I clear?” Bob One inquired politely.

  Finally Giles was silent.

  “Your identity has already been erased from our history. Your Alabama pack—the ones that you haven’t killed, tortured or starved to death—and all the packs in the world have been given notice that you are no longer one of our people. Jacob—Alpha of the Georgia pack, do you have the serum that prohibits shifts?”

  “I do,” Junior said with hesitation. “But it’s temporary.”

  “No worries,” Bob Two said, staring at the ceiling. “I’ve developed a little something to add to it—just happen to have a bit on me.”

  Junior nodded tersely and quickly handed Bob Two a vial from his safe. Junior’s curiosity got the best of him. “That cocktail makes it permanent?” he asked as he watched Bob Two add a pinch of powder to the vial.

  “You don’t really want the answer to that question, do you Jacob?” he inquired with a tilt of his head and an expression that would give me nightmares for a few months.

  “Definitely not,” Junior said as he rejoined me at the couch.

  “We’ll be leaving now with Giles,” Bob One said as Bobs Two and Three yanked the swearing Giles from the wall. “There will be some openings on the Council. We’re always looking for hackers, scientists and knife experts,” he finished looking directly at Junior and me.

  Shit. They knew it was me and not Essie…

  “Good to know,” Essie said as she gracefully stepped in front of me and Junior and made a hand motion to the front door. “I’d say it’s been an awesome visit, but I’d be lying out of my ass.”

  “Yes well, we are the Bobs,” Bob One said with a wry smile. “We’ll be expecting you and Hank in Chicago very soon. There’s a bit of house cleaning that needs to be done. Am I clear?”

  “Yep, but I’m getting married first,” she told him. “You old dudes already know that.”

  “Things have changed,” he shot back. “Make it quick.”

  On that cryptic note they left and we all just stared at each other.

  “Ball on fire, that wasn’t a request,” Essie complained with a groan. “That was an order.”

  “You’re still getting married,” Dwayne insisted. “I’m not missing the chance to wear a gown and perform at the wedding.”

  “You’re really performing? I thought you were joking about that,” Essie choked out, appalled.

  “Darn tootin’ we are,” Granny chimed with a wide grin. “We have an act that will go down in Shifter history—assless chaps and all.”

  “Dear God,” Hank muttered as his head dropped to his chest in defeat.

  Again there was a prolonged silence as the visual of Granny and Dwayne on a questionably artistic tear was forever branded into our brains.

  “I have a freakin’ great idea,” Junior said, breaking the silence.

  “Does it involve assless chaps?” Hank asked, running his hands through his hair.

  “It does not.”

  “Bring it on, little brother,” Hank said. “Bring it on.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  “Preacher Moongie, do you happen to recall the question I asked you when I confessed my sins a couple days ago?” Junior asked, rocking back and forth on his feet.

  “Well now, you had quite a few questions and some rather startling disclosures that day, son,” my dad said doing his best to be diplomatic without laughing.

  I closed my eyes and reminded myself I couldn’t kill Junior until tomorrow. He’d been through enough today.

  “You confessed to Sandy’s dad and you’re still alive?” Hank asked with a chuckle of disbelief.

  “Don’t believe I was talkin’ to you, jackhole,” Junior growled his brother.

  “My bad,” Hank replied with an enormous grin. “Please do go on.”

  “I will,” Junior said, not so covertly smacking Hank before politely turning back to my dad. “It was the very last question I asked before I ran like hell incase you were going to beat my ass raw for a few of my sins.”

  “A few?” my dad asked with a twinkle in his eye.

  “Well, maybe more than a few,” Junior admitted with a sheepish chuckle. “Sir, do you have an answer to that question?”

  “I do,” my dad said with a laugh.

  “Preacher Moongie, did you just make a pun?” Junior inquired with a grin pulling at his lips as we all listened in confusion.

  “I believe I did. And my answer is yes, son,” Dad said and then winke
d at my mom.

  “Well that’s damn good news,” Junior yelled and then walked straight over to me and got down on one knee.

  My smile split my face and my tears flowed freely. My body tingled with excitement and I bounced with happiness as I waited for Junior to pop the question. I now understood the pun. My dad was all kinds of brilliant.

  “Yes!” I shouted on a joyous sob before Junior even got one word out. “I love you and I will marry you.”

  Our friends and family laughed and cheered as Junior took me in his arms and kissed me like there was no tomorrow.

  “I love you so much, Sandy. I swear I’ll make you the happiest woman in the world,” he promised, planting little kisses all over my still healing face.

  “You already have.”

  “While I’m as excited as hell that you’re getting married,” Hank said with a congratulatory slap to Junior’s back, “was this your freakin’ great idea?”

  “Part of it,” Junior said, standing up and facing the group. “Today I learned good and hard that tomorrow isn’t guaranteed so I plan on living today. Preacher Moongie, if you’ll do the honors I’d like to marry Sandy right now. And Hank and Essie if you’re willing, I’d like to make it a double wedding.”

  “Yes!” Essie shouted jumping onto Hank’s back and kissing his neck. “Everyone that I love the most is right here in this room and sharing it with you and Sandy is absolutely perfect.”

  “I’m in,” Hank said with a whoop of glee.

  “Me too,” I added with a giggle.

  “It would be my greatest honor to perform your weddings,” my dad said as he walked over and gently kissed the top of my head.

  “Wait,” Dwayne cried out. “What about my dress?”

  “I got ya covered, Blood Sucker,” Granny said as she reached into her purse and pulled out an obscene blue sequined mini dress.

  “I love it,” Dwayne squealed. “Be right back.”

  “Well,” Sadie said, pouting a bit. “This isn’t exactly what I was expecting for either of my sons’ weddings, but I suppose I’ll take what I can get. At least I’m here for it.”

  “How about this?” I suggested. “We get married tonight and then later you throw the reception for all of our friends.”

  “Wonderful,” Sadie sang with clasped hands and a delighted smile. “When?”

  “Umm…tomorrow?” Essie said with a rueful laugh. “Pretty sure the Bobs weren’t joking about Hank and me having to leave.”

  “Not a problem,” Sadie said in a business-like tone, pulling out her phone and texting like a mad woman. “It will be fabulous—talk of the town for years.”

  “Why don’t I help you guys get cleaned up and then we can start?” Dima suggested. “You know Dwayne will take at least thirty minutes to get ready.”

  “Forty-five minutes,” Dwayne yelled from the bathroom. “I have to look my best.”

  Dima had made a good point and Dwayne in actuality would be at least an hour. My shirt was shredded and I really didn’t want to get married in blood, camo and tennis shoes. Crap, I’d probably have to get married in one of Junior’s long t-shirts, but at least I’d be clean.

  “Sandy, I was saving this for your mating gift, but I think you might like it for tonight,” Granny said as she searched her bottomless purse and came up with a beautifully wrapped gift. “Essie, I have a little something for you too.”

  She tossed Essie an equally beautifully wrapped package and Dima hustled us off to Junior’s bedroom.

  “Do you think it’s assless chaps and a nipple-less bra?” Essie asked staring at her package with horror.

  “Or a boob tube and sequined booty shorts?” I chimed in, looking at mine with equal terror.

  “Won’t know till you open them,” Dima said with a laugh.

  So we did.

  It wasn’t assless chaps or boob tubes. Granny was the second best gift buyer in the world after Junior. The presents were absolutely spot on.

  “Everybody ready?” Granny called out as Dima helped Essie and me with the final touches.

  We’d showered quickly and Dima dried our hair in a minute flat by simply blowing hot Dragon air at us. My blond curls bounced and framed my face and Essie’s dark hair was shiny and gorgeous. My back was still torn up, but thankfully the outfit Granny had chosen for me covered it. I felt sexy and naughty.

  “Can you freakin’ believe Granny had this in her purse?” Essie asked as she twirled around in a gorgeous pale pink peignoir set. “I mean this should be worn for the wedding night, but it beats the hell out of my jeans and shit kickers.

  “You’re stunning,” Dima said, removing two of the diamond necklaces she wore and put one on each of our necks. “It’s something borrowed and old. We need something blue and new.”

  “Are you wearing panties?” I asked Essie as I rifled through Junior’s drawers. God he was neat—that was going to be an issue—I wasn’t neat at all.

  “Nope. Are you?”

  “Are you opposed to wearing a pair of Junior’s blue boxer briefs?” I asked with a giggle.

  “Are they washed?” Essie inquired with a wrinkled nose.

  “Yep and pressed,” I replied with an eye roll.

  “Seriously?” Dima asked with a laugh.

  “Totally,” I informed her.

  “Might be a little weird to explain to Hank later, but yes. I will wear my brother-in-law’s grundies.”

  “Still need something new,” Dima said, searching Junior’s bedroom while Essie and I put on my mate’s underwear.

  I was surprised that no one made mention of his bedroom looking like it belonged to a ten year old boy, but it had been a long day and there were weddings about to go down.

  “What are these? Why does Junior have all these rubber bracelets?” Dima asked as she held up two unopened packages.

  “Ohmygod,” I squealed. “Those are perfect. Put it on your wrist,” I instructed Essie as I tore into the wrappers and pulled them out.

  “What is it?” Essie asked.

  “They’re USB jump drives that clip together like a bracelet. USB stands for Universal Serial Bus. Like a bus that carries stuff these carry and store information from your computer. You know, you use it so you don’t have too much data on your computer—too much data can slow it down. It’s fantastic for portability and very convenient.”

  They both stood gaping at me while trying not to laugh.

  “Yes, I know. I’m a nerd,” I said as the heat rose on my cheeks.

  “Yep, you are,” Essie agreed. “However, you are a gorgeous nerd and Junior is gonna lose his mind when he sees you in that get up.”

  “If his bedroom is anything to go by, I concur,” Dima said as she gave us a final once over. “I’d say we’re ready. You gals all set to tie the knot?”

  “Never been more ready for anything in my life,” Essie said, hugging both me and Dima tight. “And sharing it with you, Sandy…is absolutely perfect.”

  “I love you—both of you. This started out as the worst day of my life and now it’s the best,” I said, unable to hold back a few tears. “Let’s go get married, Essie.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Essie went out first. Her father walked her across the room to an eagerly waiting Hank. The look in his eyes brought tears to my own. Their love and adoration was so evident it made me breathless. Her pale pink gown floated and she was giggling the entire way across the den.

  Hank laid an enormous kiss on her as her dad handed her over. Essie squealed with delight.

  “That’s supposed to come after the I dos,” Junior commented.

  “Shut it, nard hole,” Hank said as he went in for another smooch to the amusement of all at the gathering.

  There was no one in the audience because everyone was standing in as attendants. It was kind of goofy and very off center, but it was flawless. Jack stood next to his sons with a wide smile on his handsome face. Nicolai stood next to Jack with a silly grin. As a Dragon he thought us Werewolves wer
e nutty… and I had to agree with him.

  On the brides’ side of the room were Dima, Sadie, Essie’s mom, Granny and my mom. It was every kind of perfect. The only person missing was Caleb. Where was he?

  “Hey butthole,” he whispered. “Since Dad is a bit busy at the moment, may I have the pleasure of walking your knife throwing ass down the aisle?”

  “Nothing would make me happier, lardass,” I said, hugging him hard. “I love you, Caleb.”

  “Back at ya,” he said, squeezing me just as tight. “You really gonna wear that to get married?” He eyed my outfit with a huge grin.

  “You bet I am,” I replied with a giggle.

  “Well, it’s weird, but you look damn fine.”

  “Thank you. I’m feeling damn fine. Walk me down the aisle, turd knocker. I wanna get married.”

  So he did. The reactions from my friends and family were great, but the reaction from Junior was the only one that mattered—and it was fantastic. I owed Granny big time.

  Junior’s knees buckled and he had to grab Hank’s shoulder to stay upright. His whistle of appreciation made everyone slap their hands over their ears, but not me. It was the most beautiful music I’d ever heard.

  I greatly enjoyed his covert adjustment to his Archimedes—that boded very well for later on.

  From now on this was going to be my eveningwear—not that I needed an outfit to turn my man on—but this was a doozy of a costume. I was definitely going to ask Granny where she got it because I was pretty sure Junior was going to tear this one off me the minute we were alone.

  “I’m gonna marry my own dang Uhura,” Junior announced with pride. “And she’s even hotter that the one on TV!”

  The laughter bounced all over the room as I strutted down the aisle with my brother in my sexy, low cut, red, Star Trek Uhura uniform. Granny had even remembered the black boots. Of course these were thigh high and had four-inch stiletto heels, but it was an outstanding update.

  “You like what you see?” I purred as my brother rolled his eyes and handed me over to the trembling Junior.