Were Me Out

by Robyn Peterman

  Angus jumped back from the grave and raised his pistol to point at the mounded dirt on the ground. Most of him was sure it wasn’t Mary speaking to him from beyond the veil. He wasn’t that many sheets in the wind… or at least he hoped he wasn’t.

  Just as he was wondering about the voice, a green-eyed glaring angel with shiny brown hair and enormous breasts appeared in his line of vision. Instead of a robe of white though, she was wearing some unfortunate man’s fecking pants as she stepped up to face him.

  Sweet God in Heaven. Had he shot himself already and forgotten about it in his dying state? That would just be his fecking luck.

  The angel glared at him over Mary’s grave until she held up her hands because the pistol now pointed at her. She wisely backed up a few steps which clued him in about what he was doing. One set of the angel’s fingers gripped a note which she shook at him furiously. If it was a page from the great Book Of Life, his angel was sure fecking mad about what was written on it.

  Lowering the pistol, Angus wavered on unsteady legs, wishing now he hadn’t downed so many pints of Guinness. He’d thought it’d be easier to shoot himself if he was drunk. It never occurred to him that both heaven and hell would gang up and send a foul-mouthed angel his way as a final torment. He honestly thought ya got to settle yer accounts with St. Peter after ya passed on, not before ya ended things.

  He looked down at the grave again and glared. “Ya could have fecking warned about the avenging angel coming for me, Mary. What good is being dead if ya can’t help those left behind? She looks mad as the devil ever could look and now I have to deal with her all by my fecking self. I’ll not be forgetting this betrayal, ya wicked harpy.”

  Erin didn’t know whether to be more worried for Angus’s sanity or for her life. Angus was a known horse’s arse when he was drinking, but he usually had the sense not to pack a fecking gun around while in such a condition.

  “Did ya call me out here to kill me, Angus? Is that what this shit is? I always knew ya were a competitive sort, but ya could at least try to force me to move first. Yer meddling has nearly ruined my business reputation in this town anyway. Fact is, I’ve been thinking about leaving Lisdoonvarna, if ya want the whole truth. No one believes me when I say ya have been buying off the suitors when I know fecking well it’s the only way ya could ever make a real match.”

  “Erin? Erin O’Shea? Feck—I thought ya were an avenging angel come to torment me.”

  Angus stumbled and had to plant his feet firm to stay standing. He put a hand on his head, but it just wouldn’t stop spinning. Worse, Erin’s complaining always got through even the finest of liquors.

  “Och… are ya daft, woman? Our relationship isn’t that twisted. I would never call ya to Mary’s graveside.”

  Erin reached out her hand and shook the paper in it. “Yer a drunken liar, Angus MacNamara. This is yer handwriting asking me to meet ya here, or I’m as dead in the head as yer Mary down there.”

  “Liar? I’m no fecking liar,” Angus barked.

  He shoved the loaded gun back in its holster, fuming because a man couldn’t even kill himself in peace in this town. Stepping across Mary’s grave to get to the woman who’d both aided and hindered him in his matchmaking efforts, he yanked the paper from her steady fingers.

  Seeing them tremble a bit had him remembering them trembling on him that one night his weakness had decided to get the better of him. It had been so long since he’d had a woman, and the ale had gone to his head then too, and… well… feck it all. A living man had needs, didn’t he? It had only been the one time, but Erin O’Shea made it seem like he’d ruined her for forever.

  He looked at his writing on the note, bemused and befuddled by it. Even tipsy as he was, he had to admit it was a fine replication. “I can see why ya thought this was mine, but I swear on Mary’s grave, I didn’t write this. Tell me truthfully, Erin… ya had this faked to torment me, didn’t ya?”

  Erin fisted hands on her hips. “Why in the Goddess’s name would I bother faking a note from ya that had me traipsing out here to watch ya talk nonsense to a bag of bones in the ground? No one’s down there, Angus. Mary’s spirit left this world at her death. I’ve tried time and again to tell ya that.”

  Angus swung the letter around and shook it at her. “How should I know why yer would do something like this to torment me? Yer a woman, aren’t ya? That makes ya do things no man could ever understand.”

  “Listen here, you drunken arse…” Erin began.

  A throat clearing nearby interrupted her scolding and earned the interrupter a glare she usually reserved for her primary age students at the school where she taught part-time. The throat clearer was just one of a group of strange men staring hard at her and Angus.

  Strange men and strangely dressed too. They all looked like they were heading for a fancy French funeral. One hid a smile and coughed into his hand, but nodded when he saw he’d gotten their complete attention.

  “Hello. I’m Agent Black from Universe 1. And you are Angus MacNamara and Erin O’Shea from Universe 6. It’s a pleasure to see you both in person at last.”

  Angus pulled his pistol. He held it to the ready at his side and didn’t point it directly, but he wanted them to know he could… and would, if necessary.

  “Yes. Angus MacNamara would be me. Who’s doing the asking?”

  Angus watched as the one who’d asked turned to the nearest one behind him. Maybe it was the drink, but they all looked nearly the same to him. He could scarcely tell them apart with their blackened glasses and blacker suits.

  “Are we prepared at this time to insert the U10 version?” Agent Black asked the one behind him.

  “Yes, sir,” his near twin replied.

  Angus cocked his weapon and pointed it at the one doing most of the talking. “I don’t think so, boy-o. None of ya will be doing any inserting on me or my lady friend here,” he warned.

  Erin put her hand on Angus’s arm. “Angus, they outnumber ya. And ya don’t even know what they’re meaning. Lower yer pistol before ya do something ya will regret.”

  “Get behind me, woman. I’ll take a few of them out before I go. Maybe they’ll change their mind about what they intend to do to ya.”

  Erin snorted and hung on to his arm. “If this is another of yer practical jokes just so ya can fart in my direction again, I’ll not be falling for it this time. Now I insist ya pull yerself out of yer Guinness haze. Lower yer gun before the fecking thing goes off.”

  “It’s alright, ma’am. I appreciate you trying to keep everyone safe, but it’s not necessary. The single bullet that was chambered has already been removed from Mr. MacNamara’s gun. He won’t be able to harm anyone,” Agent Black said quietly.

  Erin turned as Angus pointed the gun to the sky and shot. The trigger clicked, but nothing happened. He jerked from her grasp to examine his pistol.

  “What the feck? It can’t be empty. I just fecking chambered that round,” Angus declared.

  “Yes, sir. You did chamber a round. In the time space just after you performed that action, and just before Ms. O’Shea arrived here, one of my men briefly inserted himself in a time stop and emptied the gun chamber while you were making your speech. You were so determined to end your life that we thought it best to intervene a bit earlier than originally planned.”

  “Angus Ian MacNamara,” Erin said in shock. “Yer were going to end yer own life? Why in bloody hell would you do that?”

  “My thoughts are my own fecking business… and none of yers… or theirs,” Angus said tersely, his head tilting to the men dressed all in black.

  “I’m sorry to traumatize you with this information, Ms. O’Shea, but your presence is now needed as well. That’s why we hastily sent you the note from Mr. MacNamara. We’re to take the pair of you since you’re both available and here together.”

  Erin gasped and shook the note at the man’s admission. “I can’t believe ya would be so conniving. May Brighid split ya from gut to gullet on my behalf.
”

  “Yes, ma’am,” Agent Black said cheerfully. “I am fully versed in ancient Celtic legends of your universe. Brighid was the goddess of the hearth and forge, but also the defender of women.”

  “I’ll show ya a defender of women.” Angus started toward the man intending to beat the crap out of at least one of them so they’d know he wasn’t fooling around.

  “Wait… did ya just say that ya fecking stopped time?” Erin yelled the crazy query in disbelief. Then she started walking toward the man she was trying to save. “Angus MacNamara, will ya control yer drunken self? They’re obviously all mad as diseased hens. No telling what they’ll do to ya. Get your big arse back here.”

  “Shut up, woman,” Angus yelled. “Can’t ya see I’m trying to protect us?”

  Erin shook her head fiercely. “All I see is an eegit walking half-cocked into a fight with a group of men half his age. Sure now they’re a skinny lot compared to ya, but I think it will only take a couple to bring yer weaving arse down. How much did ya drink today?”

  “Actually, it will only take one of us,” Agent Black said calmly.

  He motioned with his hand and another of the men pointed a device at a still advancing Angus. A few seconds later, Angus dropped like a large stone to the ground.

  Erin ran forward and knelt. “Angus,” she called in alarm, but there was no answer. She looked up and glared at Agent Black. “Fecking bastard. Ya didn’t have to kill him.”

  Agent Black smiled at her while the rest of his men fought grins. Erin felt her temper rising higher than she could ever remember.

  “I don’t care what manner of men ya are, this is no laughing matter,” she yelled.

  “Rest assured, Ms. O’Shea… I didn’t take his life. I merely subdued Mr. MacNamara until we can insert his alternate version from Universe 10 who died just this morning of natural causes. They don’t bury their dead there, so we gathered the body up for our use before they could incinerate it. Mr. MacNamara’s U10 self will show all the signs of having had a heart attack which will allow Mr. MacNamara’s U6 self to travel back with us unmissed. His children will find the U10 alternate and bury him beside his deceased wife. That’s what would have happened anyway if he’d shot himself… probably. Whatever the case, that’s the plan we’re going with now because we must.”

  Erin’s mouth dropped open for the second time. Her brain was spinning, but she figured it best to go along with the crazies. “Is that so? What do ya plan to do with the live Angus? I didn’t quite catch all ya said a moment ago.”

  “You and he will accompany us back to Universe 1 where you’ll serve New Earth and all its remaining people in a unique capacity using the learning of your Universe 6 professions.”

  “Me? Goddess… yer taking me with ya too?” She stood up and glared at all of them. They wouldn’t be taking her without a fight.

  “Yes, ma’am. I’m really sorry to deliver this news so abruptly. Here in Universe 6, you’ll unfortunately become one more missing person who vanished without a trace. That happens naturally, and for the usual reasons, in all universes so it’s not like the scenario isn’t feasible in Universe 6 space time. I’m quite certain those who miss you will assume you left because the love of your life died so suddenly.”

  Erin raised her hands to the sky. “Why anyone believe such a thing? I’ve never had a husband. I have no love,” she declared loudly.

  Agent Black smiled again. “With all due respect ma’am, I was speaking of Mr. MacNamara.”

  Erin was so shocked this time that she was speechless for a moment. The men were strangers. How could they know that about her situation?

  She looked down at Angus still on the ground. Her inner harpy rose to the surface like it always did when someone pointed out her weakness for the most contrary man she’d ever had the misfortune to lust after.

  “Angus MacNamara? Ya think he’s the love of my life? Now I know yer all mad for sure.”

  Agent Black rubbed his chin and looked at the other men. They looked at each other and shrugged.

  Erin heard yet another one speak up. He said, “In all multi-verses, Ms. O’Shea is with him at some point.”

  When Agent Black turned back around to face her, she saw her fate in his determined gaze.

  “Then I remain committed to my plan to take you both. Sorry, but we need you to come with us, Ms. O’Shea. Hopefully you will be a calming influence on Mr. MacNamara.”

  “And what happens if I don’t fecking want to go with ya?” Erin demanded.

  The last thing she saw was Agent Black waving a hand to the man behind him. The device came up again and suddenly she was falling face first across Angus’s plaid ass.

  Chapter Two

  Universe 1, June 17, 2497 at the Alien Abduction Service…

  “I am Toorg.”

  Erin looked up at the handsome, blond guard who had been assigned to her. The man was shirtless today, just like he’d been every other day she’d been there. Handsome as sin the man was, and there were so many like him here that her woman senses stayed on overload from all the man candy strutting around on display.

  “Yes, I know who ya are, Toorg. Good morning to ya.”

  “I am Toorg,” he said more cheerily.

  Erin said nothing more even though he smiled even harder at her, because saying anything else would merely prompt an additional repeat. Nate told her Toorg had several English phrases he used for normal self expression, but he only spoke the one with her.

  “Let’s go see Angus,” Erin said, knowing it was permitted.

  When she’d come back to her senses and realized she was in this strange place, she’d learned they’d put an unconscious Angus in some sort of clear box they claimed was for medical reasons. He’d been in there since they arrived, but the healers wouldn’t discuss any details of what was happening to him. She could do nothing for her peace of mind but keep checking on him so that’s what she’d been doing several times daily.

  Toorg bowed his head. “I am Toorg,” he said again, but softer.

  Her long suffering sigh at the concern in Toorg’s tone could be heard echoing down at least two hallways of the underground facility. Heads actually lifted from the devices in their hands as they slid by on the moving walkway. Apparently, people here were too lazy to use their legs for much real walking.

  Erin lifted a hand to the ones who had glared at her sighing outburst, but had no idea if they understood her lame apology or not. She was too overwhelmed though to spend any worry on what they thought of her. She had enough problems staying on good terms with the man who fecking ran this place. Nate said he was the lead healer, but she’d known immediately he was much more. The blond guard who shadowed her, and his brown-haired counterpart, both kow-towed to the man.

  Most of those she interacted with daily were fecking aliens, as in actual strangers from other planets, if ya could believe it. That included Toorg here beside her, but also others that were far more convincing that such a story could be truth. Most of the aliens looked like any other human, only larger and more heavily muscled, even larger than Angus who was a mountain of a man. But they weren’t like humans in all ways and ya could see it in their eyes when ya were close enough.

  Some days she couldn’t take it all in. Often she pretended to herself that she’d just gone somewhere on a teaching job, like to England or Wales. Back in her younger days, those places had struck her as equally strange when she’d visited them. No doubt her logical mind was still in complete denial about the situation, but Goddess knew, everything in her was trying hard to wrap itself around what she’d been told.

  The people here called this place Universe 1. Not only was it different in look and landscape, but she had been informed that she and Angus had traveled to the future. Universe 6—the place she and Angus called home—was supposedly both located somewhere else and in the past of both places. As a teacher, she was a educated woman and had been no slouch in the modern sciences. Nothing she knew explained anything s
he and Angus had endured since they’d been taken from their home.

  Goddess… the alien story made her mind spin more than the science they spouted.

  Five hundred years ago in Universe 1, the Earth had been invaded by bad aliens, then months later saved by good aliens, and afterward the Earth joined an interplanetary alliance with yet more aliens. She was told that all the friendly aliens now came and went from Earth through some sort of magic portal that she imagined would have shocked Brighid with its power—if ya trusted they were being truthful about things.

  Nate had explained to her that Agent Black had used the portal to bring her and Angus there. He’d also explained that their arrival was being kept a big flipping secret from everyone. She and Angus were just supposed to quietly replace the Universe 1 versions of themselves who had died. Though how they expected to fool everyone was yet another mystery to her.

  Given that it was all men in charge telling the stories, Erin suspected the portal wasn’t really magical. She just had no fecking idea how it worked and probably never would. No, she had come to realize in the last month that her mind was crafted of softer stuff. She understood the hearts of those like herself, their longings and wishes, their emotional journeys. The people called their magic ‘high science’, but it was fecking fairy stuff when you got entangled in it.

  Lost in her normal frustration, Erin was bit startled to feel Toorg gently touch her shoulder to bring her attention to him. He silently held the door open to the medical area and met her gaze. She’d zoned out for most of their walk.

  “I am Toorg,” he said very softly, nearly in a whisper.

  Nodding at his consideration, for she’d learned in the weeks he’d been with her that was what his lower tone meant to convey, Erin walked into the medical area without him.