Her Cowboy

by Kat Catesby

  His lips are moving but the sound is obscured by the frantic beating of my heart in my head. I focus harder on his deliciously full lips, but still can’t tell what he’s saying until he reaches his hands towards the spreader bar that’s still clasped in my hand.

  “It’s okay, Katie,” he soothes, his voice finally registering.

  It is very fucking far from okay and the panic he fails to keep from his voice just reiterates this.

  I pass him the bar on autopilot. I feel like I’ve been sucked into a vacuum and none of my senses can function. I’d be numb if it weren’t for the fear wreaking havoc and causing my brain to misfire.

  I need to tell Ash exactly what’s happened and why I’m on edge and reacting so badly to something that this morning wouldn’t have phased me half as much. I want David out of my head, out of my life, buried in my past where he deserves to stay. Not ruining the one good thing I’ve found for myself.

  But I can’t speak the words I need. Everything is failing and falling around me. The darkness has seeped into my heart and oozes its way through my veins with every labored beat, thick and suffocating. I can’t focus. I can’t feel the love that would ground me and keep me here with Ash and keep me safe. It’s being consumed and twisted. I can’t focus on anything except what’s right in front of me…the surprise spreader bar.

  “Talk to me, Katie,” he pleads.

  “Why?” I barely whisper.

  “Why talk to me?” he looks hurt and confused.

  “No. Why did you buy that?”

  “I bought it for us, for when you’re ready. There’s no pressure, baby.”

  “Then why didn’t you wait until I was ready before buying it? Why are you always trying to push kink? Aren’t I enough for you?”

  “Of course, you are enough for me.” He says earnestly but I’m so shocked it doesn’t register.

  “If that were true then you wouldn’t need to keep trying to push my boundaries, you’d just accept them.”

  “Where is this coming from, Katie? We’ve been exploring together and you’ve been fine and I’ve always been respectful of your needs and told you a million times that I don’t need the kink but it’s obvious we both enjoy it. I’ve never hurt you baby, so I’m just really confused at the minute. I just want you to enjoy yourself.”

  “By doing something you want.” In its terror addled state my brain isn’t hearing any of his words of comfort. It’s on a twisted self-preservation rampage.

  “No. By doing something that we will both enjoy. I’ll say it again as you’re obviously not hearing me, I would never hurt you. I thought you knew that? I’d rather die than see you hurt. Katie, I love you. And it’s killing me that you don’t trust me. Everything I am, all the love I can give, you hold it in the palm of your hands. You can crush me, my heart, or you can have it all. I love you, trust me.”

  He said it.

  Those beautiful words I’ve been so desperate to hear. The words I’d hoped would calm me but apparently, I’m too far gone. The twisted place in my gut won’t let me separate my fear of David-the-murderer-at-large and my love for Ash.

  I panic. It’s all too overwhelming, I can’t think straight so I do the most stupid thing I can think of…I run.

  I run from Asher.

  I run from the man I love.

  Just like Sylvie did.

  Chapter Twelve

  Katie

  I rush to my car and drive to Maddie’s as fast as is legally possible. For a BFF she seems remarkably irritated to see me.

  “Let me get this straight,” she sounds like a schoolteacher, “he professed his love for you and you ran away? Like a coward?”

  “Hey! That’ not fair.”

  “You’re right. It’s not fair…on him. I love you Katie, but I won’t stand by and enable your bullshit and watch you screw up the best thing in your life. You get that right? Tell me you know you made the wrong choice here. Tell me you’re not so completely wrapped up in your own crap that you can’t see the damage you’ve just done to the both of you? I know you were thrown for a loop after Detective Jones dropped by and that it brought some scary as shit memories to the forefront but you didn’t even tell Ash, did you? You didn’t give him a chance to help you. Instead, you hurt him and yourself.”

  I try to hold it in but this is why she’s my girl after all. She can call it as she sees it…and what she sees is my bullshit. I start to cry. Big, fat, ugly tears. The kind that makes your face completely wet, red and blotchy. I know the truth and I’m terrified I’ve just fucked everything up but I just didn’t know what else to do at that moment. The words I wanted to say were stuck in my throat. The ‘I love you’ I so desperately wanted to say was trapped behind the bile that was rising at the thought of truly letting my guard down and trusting him…even though I already do, I just have a problem admitting it. And Maddie’s right; I didn’t even explain why I’m such a fucking mess. I’m not liking the lack of control I currently have over myself.

  Surely Ash would be better off with someone else?

  “I know. I…I love him and I’m scared. I’m scared and I don’t know how to fix it and make it so that I’m not. I’m scared that David is out there and I’m scared that he will never be just a memory that I can shut down and forget about.”

  “Of course, you’re scared sweetie,” she says and holds me tight in a bone-crushing hug. “Big love is a big deal. Allowing yourself to be that vulnerable with someone, giving them your heart – especially after what you suffered – is a big fucking deal, but you’re ready. Don’t underestimate the progress you made. Don’t let one conversation with a detective take that away from you. They’re handling the David situation so it’s out of our hands and we have to trust them to do their jobs. You’ve come so far sweetie, so let’s help you go a little further. Let’s break it down and come at this bit by bit.”

  “Okay,” I sniff miserably.

  “He loves you?”

  “Yes.”

  “You love him?”

  “Yes,” I don’t even hesitate.

  “Do you trust him?” I take a deep breath and consider this. “Think about whether you believe he could ever truly hurt you emotionally, mentally and physically.”

  “No, he wouldn’t hurt me. Yes, I trust him.”

  “With your life? If David found you on the ranch and came at you with a baseball bat to finish you off, would Asher Scott give his life to save yours?”

  “Yes, and yes.”

  “Would you let him die for you?”

  “Fuck no,” I scream. The thought of Ash hurt causes my chest physical pain. Maddie just smiles.

  “So, we’ve established that you love him and trust him. So, if you don’t want him – as indicated by you running away – how will you feel when another woman comes along and tries to fix his broken heart?”

  I basically just scream at this point. He’s my man and no other woman is having him.

  “Thought as much,” she smiles smugly.

  “But what if another woman can fulfill him better? What if I’m not enough?” I cry.

  “That’s for him to decide and he’s already made that choice. Which brings us nicely back to the elephant in the room…or the spreader bar in your relationship. Sex. Asher loves you. If you asked him for a purely vanilla relationship do you not think that he would?”

  “I thought so, but if he could do vanilla then why is he buying spreader bars and always seeing how much control he can take from me during sex?”

  “Katie, anyone who knows you can read you like a book. You wear your heart on your sleeve and your expressions all across your pretty face. Whenever you talk about your more erotic, pre-David, sexual experiences your eyes light up with pure fire. It blazes through you leaving you scorched and hungry for it – it’s obvious you like it. We’ve established that David is just some psycho blip in the grand scheme of your life so don’t let him ruin the things you take pleasure from. I know what you went through was seriously, seriously f
ucked up so I don’t mean to sound flippant about it, I’m just trying to get a point through to you. Think about the rest of your life; don’t think about Asher, just concentrate on what you want and answer me honestly. Can you really spend the rest of your life without kinky sex? There’s no right or wrong answer here Katie, but I do expect you to be honest.”

  I mull her words over for a long moment. The rest of my life will hopefully be many, many years so when she puts it like that…“No, I can’t. I don’t want to deprive myself just because my ex was a goddam sadist.”

  “Then you have your answer. You’re in love with Asher Scott, you trust him with your life and you don’t want to live without thrilling sex. So, get your fucking ass home to his bed, beg, grovel and promise to never hurt him again because that man is never going to hurt you…unless you ask him to,” she finishes with a wink. “Your pussy has well and truly whipped that cowboy so go home and claim him.”

  The tears are flowing faster now – I didn’t think that was humanly possible – but everything Maddie has said is true. Sometimes it takes a neutral – or almost neutral – party to point out the obvious to you. I just hope that I haven’t done any lasting damage to mine and Ash’s relationship. I love him and want him so badly. And now that I’ve admitted that to myself, the words just want to keep flowing through my mind like the smoothest silk and tumbling out my mouth for the world to know.

  I love Asher Scott.

  I give Maddie a quick hug and head for the door.

  “One more thing,” she calls after me. “Asher has never had his own satisfaction at heart Katie. Before he bought the toys, he contacted me. He was pretty sure he knew you and your desires but he just had to be sure that what he knew was true and that he wasn’t just projecting his sexual desires onto you. The very thing you accused him of – of pushing your boundaries for his own pleasure – was the very last thing he was trying to do. He worries about being enough for you, about being able to satisfy you because despite your protestations otherwise, he knows you much better than you believe he does. He could see you selling yourself short in the bedroom department and knew you needed his dominance to be fulfilled. You just keep living in denial because of fear. Talk to him. Take the leap Katie, he’ll catch you.”

  “He’s worth the risk,” I choke out between sobs. I can’t believe he checked with Maddie first before buying all those sex toys. I now have two people in my life who can see through my bullshit and help me to the other side. I just hope that Ash still wants me; I don’t think he would instantly fall out of love with me but I know him, and running out on him while he put his heart and soul out there would’ve cut him deep. Just like it did with Sylvie.

  I swore I’d never hurt him like her, but I did anyway.

  Fuck.

  “I’m not sure I deserve a man as good as him,” I sob, my selfish shortcomings becoming painfully clear to me.

  “You deserve to be happy. Asher makes you happy. Everything else is irrelevant. Do not be some pathetic woman who pushes a wonderful man out of her life because of some crazy-ass bullshit that’s all in her head. And if you can’t shake the crazy out of that brain of yours, talk to him about it. And then let it go. Asher is more of a Dom than he realizes; he may not live the lifestyle as such but he has that protective, alpha streak down. You’re his woman and he would move heaven and earth to keep every single facet of your emotions and body safe from harm. But he can’t protect what he doesn’t know. Let him in.”

  “Thank you, Maddie. I love you.”

  “I love you too, now go get lost in Asher’s bed…I have a date with my vibrator.”

  * * *

  I drive back to the ranch in record time. I’m not sure how I manage that considering the swollen puffiness of my eyes from all the crying I’ve done, but I do.

  As I pull up in front of Ash’s ranch house it dawns on me just how big a mess I created by running away to Maddie’s – even if it was for the best because she was able to give me the verbal kick up the ass I needed. Still, Ash doesn’t know that; all he knows is that he said those three magic words and I turned my back on him and left. Actions speak louder than words…and that was a pretty bad action on my part. I’m going to need something truly spectacular now to erase that memory and show him how I really feel about him.

  I can’t breathe at the notion of him hurting over something I did. I need to fix this and I think I know just the way.

  I rush up the porch steps and through the door.

  “Ash,” I call out, the desperation clear in my voice. I move through the cavernous entryway and movement in the living area catches my eye. My breath catches too, as the image of my tall, broad, overwhelming cowboy with a scotch in his hand and gleaming wetness in his beautiful eyes punches me in the gut.

  I did this to him. I reduced this beautiful, powerful man to tears because I can’t get my own shit straight in my head. I hate myself in that second.

  I don’t go to him; I want to but I don’t. My plan to give him all of me won’t work if I fall into his arms the way I want to.

  I look longingly into his eyes in the hope of conveying what I feel. Neither of us moving, barely breathing as the tension winds tighter and tighter. I snap first, toeing off my sandals and pulling my dress off over my head leaving me in my, thankfully matching black underwear.

  Asher’s eyes widen at the sight of me but still, I don’t go to him; I make a dash for the stairs and hope that I have enough of a head start for what I have planned. I look over my shoulder at him as I’m halfway up and unclasping my bra, but I needn’t have bothered; the sound of his heavy footfall tells me he’s following me and my trail of lingerie. I drop my bra right there on the stairs and move a little faster – Ash has large strides and I don’t want him to catch up with me. I shimmy out of my panties, discard them in the upstairs hallway, and run the rest of the way to our bedroom.

  He’s not far behind me so I need to be quick – hopefully he stopped to pick up my panties, buying me a few more seconds.

  I find the right spot in the middle of the bedroom and turn to face the door so that as soon as he enters, all he’ll see is me…knelt down…submitting myself to him.

  I remember the position from some of the sub scenes I dabbled in college with and of course David was always keen to have me kneel before him. But that is the last time I will allow myself to think about him in this context. This is for Ash, to show him I do trust him and that I give myself completely to him. This is our clean slate; this position will no longer be tainted with bad memories or fear.

  Sinking to my knees I spread my legs wide enough so that I am open and exposed for the man I love; the notion makes me wet and knowing he’ll be able to see my arousal dripping from me, makes me hotter and wetter again. I sit up straight with my palms facing up on my thighs and look down to the floor. I’ve never been as elegant looking as some women in this position, but I think I get it looking good enough to convey what I want it to; I’m yours, I’m sorry…I love you.

  I’m so lost in my thoughts and getting the position right that I don’t notice Ash enter the room until I hear his sharp intake of breath at the sight of me naked and presented to him.

  There’s a beat where my heart doesn’t work and my lungs refuse to inflate. What if he rejects me for what I did? I’ve just made myself completely vulnerable to this man and he could crush me…the way I did to him.

  Karma can be a bitch like that.

  I’m not sure what I’m expecting but it’s certainly not what happens next. I hear the sound of Ash removing his clothes quickly but still, I don’t look up – he’s not given me permission to do so and that’s the level of power I’m giving him over me. I need him to know I trust him. Suddenly, he’s kneeling in front of me, mirroring my position, telling me the level of power I have over him. The power to love and trust and the power to hurt, which is what I did earlier when he laid himself bare to me. The tears begin to flow silently down my cheeks and splash onto my breasts and thighs.
His head must not be that downcast because he sees and with one hand cups my cheek and tilts my chin up in the same motion so that I am looking into his fiery molten eyes, bloodshot with emotion. He brushes my tears away with his large, calloused thumb and that one act of tenderness tells me all is not lost. I finally find my voice and the courage to fight for the man I want, for the life I want, for the pleasure we both deserve.

  “I love you, Ash, so much. I’m so –,” he cut’s my apology off with his mouth, soft and tender at first, like I’m breakable glass that he’s afraid to shatter with the force of his emotions. His thumb gently grazing my cheekbone, cupping my face before trailing his fingers into my hair and gripping the back of my head. I push up on my knees for better access and demand more from him, my lips and tongue moving desperately to convey that I won’t break, that I can handle all he has to give.

  “You love me?” he questions as he pulls away from our kiss for breath.

  “More than I can ever show you, more than I ever thought possible,” I cry but this time the tears are happy.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Asher

  She takes my breath away. This woman – my woman – actually takes my breath away. I thought that was just over-exaggerated romantic bullshit but since Katie barrelled into my life like a tornado, I know the expression to be true.

  I can’t believe the gamut of emotions I lived through in the past few hours. When I told her I loved her, I knew it was risky – given the state she was in after finding that damned spreader bar – that maybe she wouldn’t say it back and that maybe it was too fast for her but I genuinely never expected her to actually walk out on me.

  That blindsided me for sure.

  And the things she accused me of; of only buying the toys and pushing her limits for my own gratification at the expense of her feelings…yeah, that stung.

  A lot.

  She couldn’t have bitch slapped me harder if she’d actually hit me. Especially after I checked in with Maddie first; she wasn’t wrong and neither am I, Katie needs to learn to let go and let me in. We both know that Katie likes the same kink I do but that she’s clinging to her fear like a protective blanket. Lord knows neither I nor Maddie can truly comprehend the horror she lived through but it’s slicing me alive that she couldn’t bring herself to trust me – it’s almost like she’s saying I’m no different to him.