Horseshoes, Cowsocks & Duckfeet

by Baxter Black

  The Republicans have maintained control of the U.S. Congress since 1994. Bill Clinton was president then. Yup, the same one who appointed himself and his wife to the Supreme Court at the end of his second term.

  The Congress has continued to pass conservative legislation. Now all public buildings are “smoking only.” Nonsmokers can be seen on windy corners and office loading docks, sneaking fresh air.

  The teachers’ union (NEA), sheep, and the Cuban cigar have been added to the list of endangered species.

  Minimum wage is still $4.75. Workers are flocking to Mexico in search of high-paying factory jobs. Spanish is now an official language.

  The balanced budget amendment has never passed. It cost too much to maintain the Star Wars defense system, which stands ready to retaliate should Grenada ever bomb us.

  The drive to enforce term limits on the U.S. congressmen and senators was finally put to rest when Congress passed the Thurmond-Byrd “We know best” amendment.

  A movement is afoot in Congress to carve past President Gingrich’s face on Mount Rushmore. The Redskins (formerly Indians, Native Americans, Indigenous Peoples, etc.) have objected, suggesting Russell Means’s head instead.

  Ted Turner’s vast landholdings, including the states of Montana, New Mexico, and Fulton County, Georgia, were recently sold by his heirs to Tyson International meat processors.

  The senator from Arkansas, William Jefferson Tyson, has introduced a bill to disallow marriage of practicing vegetarians. In spite of the fact that carniphobia is now considered a disease like alcoholism or Internet surfing.

  Puerto Rico is still not a state, nor is Washington, D.C., but Alberta and Saskatchewan are being considered for statehood as I write this.

  Global worming has eliminated internal parasites as a cause of concern in pets and kindergartens.

  Finally, the cattle business has benefited from the laws classifying feeders and producers and old cow vets with casino gamblers. Therapy is mandated and financed by the Department of Health and Judgment-Impaired Services.

  I get a check every month and go to my group sessions. They’re all people like me . . . still tryin’ to win a buckle. Mostly we talk about the old days.

  TOXIC COFFEE

  At the convenience store I poured a twelve-ounce Styrofoam cup half full of coffee. Then I put it under the cappuccino– chemical flavor dispenser, and dribbled in French magnesium vanilla, hot cobalt chocolate, and hazelnut ammonium hydroxide. Then I took two each of the pasteurized artificially flavored synthetic Irish creme, amaretto chloride, and mentholated mint in their peel-, spill-, and drip-thimble cups and tried to splash their contents in the ever-filling twelve-ounce cup.

  All the while I was preparing my cauldron concoction, my taste buds were leaping in a bud frenzy, doing gumdrop cart-wheels and encouraging my salivary glands to wet their pants. Toxic coffee. An exquisite potion. With my admitted weakness for such an unnatural beverage, you would think that I would have some understanding of my children’s love for Pop Tarts, with filling like gritty tar on hot pavement and a hard dough reminiscent of unleavened bread. Usually eaten unheated, it is a cardboard and jelly sandwich.

  Or how about dried cereal bits formed into the shape of clover leaves, letters, hatchets, pinto beans, bat eyes, or squirrel testicles, dyed algae green or hemoglobin orange and rolled in powdered cinnamon, baby talc, or graphite?

  Food preservatives have been essential to man’s civilization. Salted, vinegared, dried, smoked, frozen, or lyed, they have allowed us to live between hunts and harvests. But when I see packaged pastry pizza or trail mix with the shelf life of petrified wood, I get queasy.

  Not to mention genetic manipulation, which has given us bright red tennis ball tomatoes that would not break on the bat of Sammy Sosa, with a taste closer to carpet fiber than tomatoes.

  Mexican mutant strawberries as flavorless as poi. It’s what we’ve done to chicken, so we can roll it in carbo dust, deep-fry it, and addict our kids, but I digress. . . .

  The ultimate toxic invention . . . a fruit roll-up. A flattened sticky hanky-sized sheet of goo. It reminds me of a frog’s tongue on the roof of an octopus’s mouth. But kids love it! So be it.

  Right now I’m sipping coffee made from fresh ground Costa Rican beans in a china cup with real cream . . . and I’m wishing it had a big squirt of pecan caramel caustic cappuccino with a pH of 2. Probably not a good idea though, might take the enamel right off the cup.

  HANDY TOASTS AND TRIBUTES

  To the Newly Married Couple

  May your love have the energy of a litter of puppies, the work ethic of a boat person, the heart of a Mountie, and may it last until they don’t sing “Dixie” in Alabama.

  To the Entrenched Bureaucrat

  As the years have accumulated like mineral deposits on a west Texas faucet, so has your compassion grown thick and inflexible, so that today you stand like a stalagmite, stodgy of foot and narrow of mind. A tribute to tenure, intransigence, and seniority. You have become a statue of yourself.

  To the New Ph.D. Graduate

  After years of denial, you now stand at the foot of reality. The accumulated anguish, frustration, sacrifice, and financial hemorrhage of all who supported you has hit bottom. You have emptied the trough, your life’s work now begins. It is, in a nut-shell, time to make yourself worthy of their faith.

  To the New Baby

  To the newborn, whose name is still wet on the dotted line, whose age is listed as zero, and whose slate is as clear as her fate is cloudy. Today you do not have to lift a finger. You are royalty, Miss America, Queen Bee, the Dalai Lama, Mrs. Roosevelt’s Pekingese. You do not know war, poverty, death, or disease. You know only love. Enjoy the moment.

  To the New High School Graduate

  Congratulations. By squinting through the fog of anxiety, hormones, posturing, and inexperience, you can glimpse a sliver of your future. Even though it is unclear, it is bright because you are standing on the shoulders of your family and friends, your teachers and coaches, and your ancestral community that stretches back to Genesis. And the taller you stand, the brighter it gets. Say thank you.

  UNFINISHED THOUGHTS

  Let’s say you were an arctic explorer and you suddenly got cold feet.

  If you can get snowed in during winter, can you get winded in during spring?

  When you put hot water in a thermos, it keeps it hot. If you put cold water in a thermos, it keeps it cold. How do it know?

  Do fish ever get tired of eating seafood?

  It is the truth in humor that makes it funny. That’s why there’s no science fiction jokes.

  I walked by a decorative chunk of petrified tree in a motel lawn. The sign beneath it said 180,000,000 YEARS OLD. How do they know? Did they count the rings?

  I heard Mike Wallace of 60 Minutes fame was asked to teach a course in ethics. Am I the only one made uncomfortable by that?

  I used to work like a horse and eat like a horse. Now I sweat like a horse and trim my toenails with hoof nippers.

  If you can see twice as far with binoculars, how much farther can you see with trinoculars?

  When you tell your buddy, “Scuze me a minute, I’m gonna slip around behind this tree and relieve myself,” how do you know it’s the back of the tree?

  Mom: “You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet.”

  Kid: “But they’re the only feet I’ve got.”

  You can always spot a cutting horse man by the coffee stains on his chaps.

  Giving your horse to a good trainer is like letting a butcher sharpen yer pocketknife.

  I can’t make myself at home. . . . I live here!

  About his hometown; if you know where it is, that’s where yer from.

  He’s not a professional cowboy, he just does it for a living.

  If there weren’t such a thing as chicken, what would snake taste like?

  If pigs are outlawed, only outlaws will have pigs.

  When a man says he’s not that kind of a guy
. . . he probably is.

  On medicating the water at the catfish farm, the receptionist asked, “How will they get the fish to drink it?”

  Suddenly, nothing happened!

  GLOSSARY

  Auscultation: the art of listening for things within the body. Usually done with a stethoscope.

  Bad (blue) bag: chronic mastitis—an unhealthy udder, as opposed to a defective shopping utensil.

  Baler twine: has just about replaced balin’ wire as the means of holding bales of hay together. However, this modernization has led to the deterioration of many small repair jobs on the farm for which only balin’ wire would suffice. For instance, you can’t wire a loose exhaust pipe to the frame with plastic twine.

  Black bally calf: commonly a first-generation cross between a Hereford cow and an Angus bull. They are black bodied with a white face.

  Banamine: an equine painkiller.

  Beef checkoff: every time a bovine is sold in the United States, one dollar is collected by the beef board. The collective money is used for research and advertising to learn about and promote beef as an alternative to whale meat or tofu.

  BLM: the Bureau of Land Management is a division of the Department of Interior. Between the BLM and the Forest Service, they control over one-third of the U.S. landmass. Most of it in the twelve western states. To the extent that the federal government owns 83 percent of Nevada.

  Blowouts: an inversion of the cloaca in fowl. Unfortunately, rubber cement is useless in its repair.

  Blue heeler: a stock dog. Relies on a high pain threshold and bravado to move cattle. Bites at the heels. If the Border collie is the quarterback, the blue heeler is the linebacker.

  Border collie: a stock dog. Fairly universally acknowledged as the smartest of the species for the purpose intended. Favorite of North American and European sheepmen.

  Bosal: a nose band, not unlike a halter used in the training of horses. More user-friendly than a bit.

  Braymer or Bramer: how you pronounce Brahma, a breed of cattle.

  Broken mouthed: an old cow or ewe that has lost all or part of its lower incisors. A natural occurrence with age. P.S., they don’t grow upper incisors.

  Brucellosis: a disease of cattle and other species that can be transmitted to man. In cows it causes abortion; in humans, undulant fever. A serious problem before pasteurization of milk became universal. Rare today.

  Bulldoggin’: a rodeo sport officially known as steer wrestling. A cowboy jumps off a galloping horse onto a galloping steer, catches it behind the horns, and with a twist and a flip throws it to the ground. It is a timed event and has no counterpart in the real cowboy world unless it’s a bar fight.

  Cake-feeding-pickup: a method of supplementing protein to cows in winter. It is fed in many forms: 40-pound blocks, pellets, loose, or in molasses.

  Cancer eye: a disease that occurs primarily in cows with no dark pigment on the skin surrounding the eye. The predilection is heritable. Operable if caught early enough.

  Capacho: although not defined this way in The Oxford Spanish Dictionary, I know it to mean “good friend.”

  Carhartt: canvas outerwear, particularly good for brushpopper cowboys. Thorns won’t tear it.

  Chew: chewing tobacco or snuff (i.e., Redman or Copenhagen).

  Chinks: shortened knee-length chaps popularized in California and the Northwest.

  Cow pucky: one of many expressions used to define bovine alimentary effluent; as in cow pie.

  Cow punching: doing cowboy work.

  D-4 Cat: bulldozer. Smaller than a D-8.

  Drag to the fire: at branding the 2- to 3-month-old calves are worked. The ground crew waits near the fire (which may be a steel branding pot heated with a propane burner) to administer the appropriate procedures. The cowboy a’horseback ropes the 200- to 300-pound calf around the hind legs and “drags him to the fire.” Simultaneously they are branded, ear tagged, vaccinated, castrated, and kissed. It usually takes a minute or two, literally.

  Feeder: a feedlot animal weighing 500 to 700 pounds, or a person who owns cattle in a feedyard, or owns the feedyard, or one who works on the feed crew.

  Feedlot: the less romantic side of the cowboy world. It is where steers (and heifers) spend their last few months eating grain before they become filet mignon.

  Fence stay: a four-foot piece of twisted wire that keeps barbwire from saggin’ between posts. You may also see stays made from Ocotillo skeletons, straight sticks, pieces of bed-spring, or the occasional car axle.

  FFA: a high school vocational tech club that represents young people who are interested in agricultural pursuits from landscaping to genetics. It used to be the Future Farmers of America.

  Five-buckle overshoes: standard footwear for cowboys in mud or snow. Fits over boots and rises to mid-calf (human). Thus, “five-buckle deep” is a useful unit of measure.

  Gaited horse: one that has a natural tendency to travel in something other than a simple walk. Tennessee walking horses, Paso Finos, trotters, Lepizans, and Andalusians, are examples.

  Gelding: a castrated stallion.

  Gentile: someone from outside my real world . . . an urban person.

  Grulla: a color best described as a cross between sausage gravy and a thundercloud.

  Halter chain: a short piece of light chain connecting the head stall itself to the lead rope. A picture’s worth a thousand words.

  Heifer: a young cow, one that has not had a calf.

  Hog-ring: a C-shaped metal clip used to attach tags to pigs’ ears.

  Hog wire: or sheep wire, depending on your part of the country. It is woven fencing with a vertical and horizontal wire crossing at intervals like a tic-tac-toe board. Prevents smaller domestic farm animals from escaping. Will keep a dog outta the garden but not a coon or squirrel.

  Horn: in my context, not the kind you honk.

  Javelina: a peccary—a wild beast native to the Southwest, often confused with wild pigs. Tough little beasts, not very tasty.

  Keds: a wingless fly that is an ectoparasite of sheep.

  King Ranch: a 150-year-old ranch in south Texas that developed the Santa Gertrudis breed of cattle and is famous for its horse-breeding program.

  Log chain: essential equipment around the farm. Used to pull dead livestock or recalcitrant machinery, heavy feed troughs, or occasionally the wandering tourist vehicle from the ditch.

  Owly: a horse that is easily provoked.

  Piedmontese: an Italian breed of cattle.

  Polled: genetically hornless.

  Power takeoff: PTO: a spinning shaft that protrudes from a tractor. It connects to a variety of farm implements and furnishes them power. Like the shaft on an electric motor.

  Preg check: to manually palpate the uterus for pregnancy via the rectum. A routine procedure in the fall on cattle operations across the country. Why veterinarians have asymmetrical shoulders.

  Producer: refers to farmers and ranchers.

  Punkin roller: a small-town rodeo.

  Red Man: chewing tobacco.

  Red Wings: lace-up work boots.

  Roach: a verb—to roach a horse’s mane; clipping the mane down to the hide, leaving the forelock and the witherslock.

  Romal: one- to two-foot leathers on the end of a set of reins. An attached quirt. Mostly used to slap a chap leg as a noisemaker to move cattle or pacify cowboys.

  Rumen: that vast stomach compartment in a cow where fermentation takes place. Can hold up to 400 pounds in a big bovine.

  Saddle fork: the front part of the saddle that straddles the withers.

  Scour: (v) to have diarrhea. Scours: (n) as in “he’s got the . . .”

  Settle: get pregnant.

  Sheep pellet: as opposed to a cow pie, road apple, dog poop, or tiger scat.

  Showin’ a little ear: a bovine who shows Bramer traits. In this case, big ears. Like saying Baywatch is a little racy.

  Slurry pit: a big (up to swimming pool size) pit where runoff, manure, factory effluvia, or potato waste i
s held.

  Snotty nose: a critter with a cold or signs of pneumonia.

  Stock trailer: usually a barred trailer from 16 to 24 feet, pulled by a pickup and used to move livestock.

  Tapaderas: stirrup covers—worn where the brush is thick.

  Tarentaise: a breed of cattle, French in origin.

  Team roping: a rodeo event where the header ropes the steer’s head and the heeler ropes the hind legs. Imitates real-life method of catching and restraining cattle on the open range.

  Tune-up: usually a “training session” to get a horse thinkin’ right.

  U.P.: up north it’s the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, farther south it stands for the Union Pacific Railroad.

  Vaquero: Mexican cowboy.

  NPR AIR DATES

  Cajun Dance 6/20/00

  A Cold Call 3/1/01

  When Nature Calls 6/28/99

  Only Ewes Can Prevent Wildfire 1/6/00

  Horse People 4/10/01

  March Madness 3/7/01

  Cave Painting 6/25/01

  Springtime Flying 4/8/98

  The Butterfly Wedding 7/21/99

  Ranchers and Buzzards 4/1/97

  Beans à la Black—a Recipe for Trouble 11/9/01

  Drawing a Line in the Dirt 2/11/02

  The Producer Meeting 8/15/98

  Coming Out 3/22/99

  Cat Laws 1/8/98

  Chick-Fil-A 8/23/00

  Nature’s Logic 10/5/99

  Kids 3/7/02

  Homeless Dogs 8/9/00

  Ol’ Rookie’s Flashback 12/10/01

  Hispanic Agriculture 2/4/00

  Empty Places at the Christmas Table 12/25/01

  Kelly’s Halloween 10/31/00

  Brush Jacket Testimonial 3/29/01

  The Cowboy and the Athlete 2/25/00

  Economist Nightmare 1/24/01

  Tobacco Suits 9/11/97

  The Dreaded Blue Box 5/28/98

  Whale Dilemma 8/2/99

  Wee Thanksgiving 11/28/96

  Thanksgiving 11/22/01

  Is There Really a Santa Claus? 12/20/01

  Pickup Dreams 2/12/99

  The Ford Ex’s 1/15/01