by Mari Carr
Three days after watching Jenna fall apart in English class, Jade had gone to Compass Ranch to ride her horse. While she was out that day, she’d taken a different route than usual simply because it was calling for rain and Uncle Silas had told her to be quick, otherwise she’d get drenched.
She skirted the Compton graveyard, surprised to find Vivi sitting in front of Granddaddy JD’s headstone. She was crying. In Jade’s entire life, she’d never seen her grandmother’s tears, never witnessed such heartbroken agony. Jade had sat there for only a few minutes, uncertain if she should stay to comfort her grandmother or if she should leave. She opted for quietly slipping away, realizing Vivi wouldn’t want Jade to see her so sad.
Jade had cried herself to sleep that night, promising herself she’d never let anyone into her heart. Never open herself up for such excruciating pain. Then, at Sienna’s sleepover, she’d shared that vow with her cousins.
She’d meant the words. And, because she had more than her fair share of Compton stubbornness, she’d managed to remain true to that oath for eight years.
Until Liam came along with his offer of a summer fling.
Now…
Sterling broke the silence that had fallen between them. “Liam is one of the nicest guys I’ve ever known, Jade. He loves you and he’d never hurt you. I can’t understand why you would choose to live alone when something so wonderful is sitting right there in front of you.”
Because love doesn’t last forever. The words lingered on Jade’s lips, but she didn’t speak them aloud. Instead, she stood up and grabbed her suitcase.
“It just wouldn’t work, Sterling.” She started to head to her bedroom, but Sterling wasn’t finished making her case.
“This is a shitty way to live your life, Jade.”
Jade knew her cousin was right, but she simply wasn’t strong enough to face the alternative.
Chapter Ten
Jade strolled through the graveyard, not bothering to turn on the flashlight on her phone. She’d become a regular midnight visitor here since her sixteenth birthday, and the darkness no longer disturbed her. A week had passed since she’d packed her bag and left Liam’s house under the guise of “figuring things out”.
So far all she’d managed to sort out was her closet, the kitchen cabinets, the space under the bathroom sink and the storeroom at Spurs. She’d been a cleaning maniac, taking on one tedious task after the other because it helped her avoid thinking about anything real.
Liam.
Tonight had been the first time she’d seen him, though she hadn’t found the courage to speak to him much beyond a friendly, “Hello. How are you?”
Then she’d plastered on a fake smile, going through the motions of the wedding rehearsal, fighting like the devil to hide her misery because she wouldn’t ruin Sienna’s big day for all the money in the world. She’d made it through the practice run of the ceremony, the meal, the longest dessert in history and countless toasts to the happy couple.
Finally, the family began to drift away, heading to their own homes and beds to rest before the wedding tomorrow. Jade had walked to the cabin with Sterling after saying an awkward goodnight to Liam. She’d tossed and turned for nearly an hour before pulling on some clothes and heading here.
When she reached his gravestone, Jade dropped down to her knees and bowed her head miserably. “Hey, George.”
The silence that met her greeting didn’t usually bother her, but tonight, it merely reinforced how lonely she felt.
“Help me,” she whispered. “I don’t know what to do.”
For several minutes, the solitude of the cemetery remained unbroken, the vast quiet, the darkness offering her no comfort.
Then she heard a twig snap behind her.
She rose quickly, turning to scan the shadows. “Liam?”
Her father stepped onto the path, into the moonlight. “No. It’s just me, Jade. I thought I might find you here.” She frowned, confused, until her father answered her unspoken question. “Sterling texted me. Said you’d gone out. She’s worried about you.”
“How did you know where I’d be?”
Dad shrugged. “You always come here when you’re sad or something’s bothering you. Or—” her father paused, “—when it’s your birthday.”
“You knew?”
Her dad grinned. “I’m the sheriff of Compton Pass, Jade. I’d be a pretty poor lawman if I didn’t hear my daughter breaking out of her room in the middle of the night.”
“But you never said anything.”
“The first time you snuck out, I followed you, intent on seeing where you were going and then grounding you until you were forty. When you walked here, I decided to hang back. Give you some space.”
“You were watching me?”
Her dad looked sad in the moonlight. She tried to imagine how he’d felt knowing his daughter had snuck out of the house to visit her dead brother. “Yeah. Then Liam showed up.”
Jade raised one questioning eyebrow. “You left me here with Liam?”
“Dear God, no. You were sixteen. That man was twenty-one years old. I kept an even better eye on you. And I followed you here the next two birthdays too. After that, you and Liam had become friends. I’d gotten to know him. Knew he was trustworthy. That he’d keep you safe for me, so I stopped coming.”
Jade wasn’t sure how to respond. She turned to look at George’s grave.
Her dad cleared his throat, but it still sounded thick, betraying the emotion he was trying to hide. “I know you miss him.”
She swallowed heavily, fought not to cry. She’d never mentioned George’s name to her father, too afraid of upsetting him.
“I miss him too, Jade. I should have talked to you about this years ago, but I didn’t know what to say. I started to tell your mom, but…”
Jade didn’t need his explanation. She knew why he’d held his tongue. “It would have made her sad. I’m glad you didn’t say anything to her.”
Dad rubbed his chin uncomfortably. “I talked to Silas, Seth and Sam about it, but I’m not sure their advice was much help. Hell, we grew up in a houseful of boys. None of us had a clue how to deal with you girls. The teenage years were the worst.”
Jade grinned sadly, amused by the idea of her uncles trying to find a solution to something she didn’t fully understand herself. “What was their answer?”
Her dad shrugged. “They thought it might be a hormonal, female thing, that it would pass. It didn’t, did it?”
She shook her head, unable to hold the anguish at bay. He opened his arms and she fell into them. Let his strong embrace hold her as she sobbed. Cried her heart out for her brother, for Vivi, for Liam.
“I’m n-not g-good, Daddy.”
Her father stroked her hair. “What?”
“I always think that George would’ve been better than me. That he should’ve been the one to live.”
“Jesus, Jade. What the hell are you talking about?” Her father cupped her face, forced her to look at him.
“Look at me. I was a completely average student in high school. I didn’t go to college. All I do is tend bar and work on the ranch. Sienna and Hope both went to the university. They help people who are sick. Even Sterling brings people happiness with her jewelry. She’s creative. Talented. I can’t draw a damn stick figure. I’m just me.”
Dad looked confused, upset. “Is that what you’ve been thinking all these years? Christ. Jade, you’re one of the hardest workers I’ve ever met in my life. I didn’t go to college. Joined the Coast Guard out of high school. Sam got all the book smarts, but I figure I’ve done just as well as him. Even if I’m not a gazillionaire.”
Jade chuckled. Her father often teased his twin brother about the fortune Sam had amassed over his lifetime. “I know that. It’s just…I think maybe I could have done better. I should have tried harder. What if George had lived and discovered the cure for Alzheimer’s or something?”
Her father gripped her face tighter, pure anguish written
on his. “I never want you to say anything like that again. Or even think it. You are your own person. You’re not in competition with George and you don’t have a damn thing to prove. You’re perfect, Jade. My perfect, beautiful, intelligent daughter. I can’t imagine a life where you weren’t a part of it. So no more of this what if bullshit. No more thinking you have to measure up to some lofty line you’ve drawn in the sky. I only want one thing for you, and that’s for you to be happy. Give me that and I’ll never ask, never want for another thing.”
Her tears began to fall again. Despite that, she tried to smile, fighting to make a joke. “It might be easier if you just asked me to go to college.”
“What happened with Liam last week? You’ve been moping around for days. Given the fact you’re here on the eve of Sienna’s wedding, I’m thinking it must have been something pretty bad.”
She swiped the wetness off her cheeks. “Oh yeah. It was terrible. He told me he loves me.”
Dad didn’t reply at first, didn’t give even the slightest clue to his feelings. Then he released a long, sad sigh. “You ran away from him, didn’t you?”
She nodded, a sob escaping.
“Why?”
She laughed sadly. “I just told you. I’m not particularly bright.”
“Stop it. You’re in love with each other. So tell me the real reason you left.”
“I’m scared.”
“Of what?”
She sniffled, determined not to cry anymore. “Of everything. Of losing him. Of how he makes me feel. Of disappearing inside him until I forget who I am. He’s, I mean, we, when we’re together…it’s just so intense, so…” Jade blushed, forgetting for a moment that she was talking to her father. There was no way she could explain her relationship, her desires to her dad.
“I understand.” Dad averted his eyes, as uncomfortable with the conversation as she was. But something in his face told her he really did comprehend the truth.
“You do?”
“What happens between a couple in the bedroom is a private thing. Something personal. But I think you’re a lot like your mother, thank God. She’s beautiful, caring, smart. I adore Leah, everything about her. And I’m starting to see the same holds true for Liam and you. That boy would walk through fire for you.”
She latched on to the last thing Dad said. “You really think he would? Walk through fire?”
Dad wrapped his arm around her shoulders and tugged her close. Though she wasn’t exactly short—she was the tallest of her cousins by at least two inches—she always felt miniature next to her dad. And Liam.
“I think you and Liam are kindred spirits. You’ve both suffered a profound loss in your lives. It’s molded you, shaped you into the people you are today. After all, you found each other in a cemetery, both of you at one of the lowest points in your life. He’s helped you grow into the strong, self-confident, independent woman you are today. I’m sure of it. God knows he lets you get away with more than I would. As far as I can tell, he’s never really tried to hold you back from something you wanted to do. Instead, he lets you go while hovering close to keep you safe.”
“He says no all the time. He won’t let me ride Fearless.”
Sawyer rolled his eyes. Jade grinned, recognizing the expression as one she used often. “You’re not stupid and you don’t really want to get on that bull. You just say that to push Liam’s buttons. To get a reaction out of him.”
Dad was right. About all of it. Liam had spent eight years watching over her, protecting her as she stretched her wings, explored all the things she’d longed to try. However, instead of making her feel better, that realization hurt her even more.
She swiped away a fresh tear. “What am I supposed to do, Dad?”
“Do what you seem to be able to do in every aspect of your life except this one. Be brave. Follow your heart.”
She swallowed heavily and looked down at George’s grave.
Her father followed her gaze. “You’re not living for him, Jade. Let it go.”
It was the second time in a week that someone had advised her to let go. First Liam, now her dad.
She took a deep breath and smiled. Dad loved her for who she was and he didn’t regret who she wasn’t. It was time she accepted that and moved forward.
“Okay. I will.”
Sawyer offered her his hand. “Want to spend the night in your old bedroom?”
She nodded. “I’d like that.”
“Just so you know, I cut that branch just below your window off. No more sneaking out.”
She laughed. “I love you, Dad.”
Dad pressed a kiss to the top of her head as they walked along the path that would take them out of the graveyard and back to the sidewalk and home. “I love you too, Jade. So damn much.”
Jade tiptoed into her grandmother’s room. It was nearly six a.m. and she was beyond tired. She’d spent less than five hours in her old bed, tossing and turning before she gave up and decided to come here. Compass Ranch and her grandmother never failed to comfort her, to set her mind at ease.
Her grandmother had had a pretty good week, remaining alert and lucid for all of the wedding festivities. Unfortunately Jade knew better than to get her hopes up. The good spells never lasted forever.
Though the conversation with her dad last night had helped her, she wondered what Vivi would tell her to do. Her mind was still whirling over everything her father had said, her emotions one big jumbled mess.
Claiming the chair next to where her grandmother lay, she soaked up the scents that reminded her of childhood, of easier times. When she was little, she’d spend the night with her grandma sometimes, crawling into the big bed, loving the feeling of Vivi’s soft cotton sheets and the smell of lavender in the air.
“Jade? Is that you?”
She glanced up and realized her grandmother was looking at her. “I’m sorry, Vivi. I didn’t mean to wake you. It’s early.”
Vivi looked at the clock and smiled. “I’ve spent most of my life living on a ranch. It’s safe to say six o’clock is not early. In fact, if JD were here, he’d tease me about sleeping in so late.”
Jade smiled sadly. JD was the reason she’d come here. Her face must have given her away when her grandmother reached for her hand.
“What’s wrong, Jade?”
Jade bit her lip, trying not to cry. “Everything.”
Vivi scooted over on the mattress. “Climb in.”
Jade didn’t hesitate to claim the spot her grandmother offered, enjoying the warmth it provided. They rolled toward each other, facing each other, and again Jade recalled them lying like this all those years ago.
“I miss our sleepovers.” Vivi’s comment proved she remembered as well. Thank God. Jade understood that eventually her grandmother would forget her. Jade would have to accept that. In fact, she and her cousins had been preparing for that moment, spending time with Vivi, listening to and then writing down her memories, her stories, so that they’d never truly disappear.
“I do too,” Jade admitted.
“You always used to spend the night with me after your birthday parties.”
Jade grinned, recalling how she’d drag most of her new toys along with her to this house, playing with her cousins until bedtime. Then, as part of her birthday treat, she would climb into bed with her grandmother and Vivi would tell her stories until she fell asleep. The tradition didn’t end until Jade hit her teens and declared she was too old for slumber parties with her grandma. Jade wished she could go back and kick her thirteen-year-old self’s ass for being so stupid.
“I’m sorry I stopped coming.”
“Everything has its time, Jade. For the first couple of years, when you were just a toddler, I brought you home with me because your mother needed a night to grieve. Those early years were hard for her.”
“She missed George.”
Vivi nodded. “As the years passed, that pain faded, became more manageable for your mom. But by then, our birthday sleepovers were
for me.”
“For you?”
Vivi chuckled. “You’ve always been such a character—all sass and spunk with far too much personality. You make me laugh, Jade. Remind me of the girl I used to be. Many, many lifetimes ago.”
Jade was touched, flattered. “You think you and I are the same?”
“I see bits and pieces of myself in all my Compass girls.”
Jade squeezed her grandmother’s hand gently. Jade wished it didn’t feel so bony and frail. In the past couple of years, her grandmother had shed some weight, lost too many pounds for her small frame. Her wrinkled cheeks were slowly caving in and her large pretty blue eyes appeared sunken, tired.
“I wish I were like you, Vivi. You’re strong and brave and you always seem to know the right answer.”
“Oh, sweetheart. Fact is, when you get to be my age, a great deal of trial and error has gone before. What you think is wisdom is actually me just telling you what won’t work because I already tried it and fell flat on my face.”
Jade closed her eyes. “I wish things were as easy as they were when I was a kid. I’d lie in this bed and the real world disappeared.” She looked at Vivi. “You always told the best stories.”
“Everyone has a story to tell, Jade. Maybe I have more than my fair share, but that’s just because I’m older than you.”
“You’ve seen so much, lived through so many hard times.”
Vivi frowned. “The good has always outweighed the bad. In fact, I suspect if you talked to your parents, you’d understand what you’re experiencing right now isn’t so different from what they felt when they first fell in love.”
Jade wondered how much Vivi knew about what was bothering her, the depression she’d been suffering at the beginning of the summer, her conflicted emotions in regards to Liam. “What do you mean?”
“I was never apprehensive about Sawyer settling down and finding a woman who’d claim his heart because he was always so laidback and jovial, but it wasn’t as easy for him as I had expected. He found Leah while he was dealing with grief and anger.”
