Follow You Down

by Lazeema Haq

  “I’ll keep that in mind.” She grabbed a shirt and threw it at him. “Now put some clothes on.”

  “Hater.”

  She giggled, exiting the room.

  Chapter Fourteen

  It may have only been a few weeks since they started dating but Vesper already suspected her relationship with Tristan would never be dull. For one thing, he was unpredictable. Just when she thought she had him figured out, he would say or do something that took her completely by surprise. Then there was the fact he loved to provoke her just to rile her up, probably because their arguments usually ended with them making out.

  Much like her, Tristan didn’t like to talk about his childhood. The past was something they both actively fought to keep at bay and it didn’t make sense to risk inviting that chaos back in.

  Although he rarely spoke of his family, she was fully aware of the hostility he felt towards his father. Every time Arthur came up in conversation Tristan became a different person altogether, one filled with sheer fury and vengeance and capable of doing just about anything to destroy his dad. Tristan’s rage during those moments scared her, not for her own safety (she knew he would never hurt her) but because she worried about the emotional toll it would take on him.

  “Penny for your thoughts?”

  Tristan’s words brought her out of her thoughts, and she gave him a mischievous smile. “Just a penny? You can do better than that, cheap ass.”

  He grinned, reaching out to squeeze her hand.

  They were at a newly open restaurant downtown, a place she’d heard about through Josh. Unfortunately, it was all hype and no substance because Vesper was still hungry after the miniscule serving. And considering Tristan usually ate twice as much as her, he was probably starving as well.

  “Don’t worry, we’ll get take-out on the way back,” he said. He attempted to retrieve his wallet but stopped when she levelled him with a pointed stare. Throwing his hands up in surrender, he slid the bill over to her and leaned back in his chair.

  One of the first things she had insisted upon was that they be equals in their relationship – which, to her, meant she didn’t want him to be the only one paying for things. Even though he’d argued money wasn’t a concern of his, she refused to budge and so they reached a compromise where she would pay half the time. In the beginning he would still sneak off to take care of the bill before it reached their table; of course that nonsense stopped when he realised how much that stunt pissed her off. While the women in his past didn’t mind him taking care of them financially, she warned him not to expect the same from her. Financial independence was important to her and she wasn’t about to change her mind just because they were dating. Plus, she never wanted him to think his money played any factor in why she was with him. Tristan didn’t agree, but he had come around to respect her decision and she appreciated that.

  After taking care of the bill, they exited the restaurant. Instead of heading to the parking lot, she gripped his arm and pulled him in the opposite direction.

  “I parked over there,” he reminded her.

  “I don’t want to leave yet.”

  “But it’s cold,” he grumbled.

  “There’s a small park nearby.”

  “That’s nice. Why do I care?”

  “Because I want to go for a walk. It’ll be romantic.”

  “You know what’s really romantic? Dry humping in a warm, heated car.”

  “Ew,” she said, smacking him across the arm. “Way to ruin the mood.”

  He chuckled. Taking her hand in his, they strolled alongside each other.

  “Can’t believe you’re into this whole romantic walk under the moonlight corniness,” he teased. “What’s next? Picnic by the river? Proposal under the stars?”

  “Damn right. And I want to be serenaded too.”

  “How about I hire someone to do that?”

  “Just make sure he’s tall, dark and handsome.”

  “Sick of me already?”

  “Obviously.”

  “Hey.” He squeezed her fingers. “That hurts my feelings.”

  She returned his teasing smile. “You’ll get over it.”

  “You can make it up to me,” he said, a wicked glint in his eyes. “With your mouth.”

  She rolled her eyes. “Perv.”

  He brought her hands to his lips, tracing a soft kiss on her skin. Despite the chill in the air, she felt the warmth of his touch surge through her body.

  Shortly after they came to a stop on a nearby bridge. As always, the elevated height made her a little anxious. Sensing her discomfort, he hugged her from behind. They stood in silence for a while, the stillness between them calming her nerves.

  “What are you thinking about?” he asked, brushing her hair aside to trail kisses along her exposed neck.

  She leaned back, closing her eyes. “Nothing.”

  He sucked on her earlobe, and his tongue swept gently over the very sensitive spot just below her ear. Instantly her knees buckled, her spine tingled with anticipation.

  “Ask me what I’m thinking,” he murmured.

  “I know what you’re thinking.”

  “Oh, really?”

  “Yup. You’re debating healthcare ethics in your mind.”

  “Wrong. That was five minutes ago. Right now I’m thinking about how cute pandas look.”

  She giggled. “I’m not dressing up as a panda for you, you sicko.”

  “Who’s the perv now, huh?”

  She turned around to face him, linking her fingers together behind his neck. “What’s going on in that mind of yours?”

  He didn’t say anything at first, simply watching her. As always, his gaze set her stomach aflutter with excitement and she wondered if it would always be like this between them. Probably not, because infatuation lasted only so long but she couldn’t imagine this feeling ever going away.

  Grasping her face in his hands he kissed her possessively, demanding everything, and she experienced that heady rush all over again, the all-consuming desire that rippled through her veins every time he touched her. Breathless and dizzy, she clung to him tightly, her nails digging into his skin. When he pulled away a few seconds later, she reluctantly released him from her grip and peered up at him. There was hesitancy in his eyes, which surprised her. “You okay?”

  “I want to see you.”

  “Damn. Am I invisible again?”

  He didn’t respond to her teasing, didn’t even smile, his expression fleeting from uncertain to pleading. All of a sudden it dawned on her what he meant and her heart started pounding. He wanted to see her. Naked. “Tristan….” Her mouth was dry, and she couldn’t speak for the life of her.

  As if sensing her inner turmoil, he pressed a comforting kiss on her temple. “Just want to look at you. That’s all. I know you’re not ready for anything more.”

  “It’s not that.” She focused her attention on a random spot on his chest so she wouldn’t have to look him in the eyes.

  “What is it?”

  “I’m scared you’re going to be disappointed.”

  He tilted her chin up, encouraging her to meet his stare. “Vesper, you’re beautiful.”

  When she remained silent he patiently held her in his arms, and she was grateful he didn’t prod her or push for more. Vesper knew if she asked he would give her the time she needed, but she realised she wanted to tell him the truth. Before she could change her mind, she quickly expelled the words. “I have scars all over my body.”

  “What kind of scars?”

  “I used to cut myself.”

  Hesitant, she looked up at him. There was a blank expression on his face, making it impossible to gauge his reaction. Minutes passed with neither breaking the silence.

  After a long pause, he finally
spoke. “Do you still do it?”

  “No. Not for a few years.”

  “Why did you start?”

  She was definitely not ready to reveal that much of herself yet. “I don’t want to get into all that.”

  A spark of anger flashed in his eyes but it disappeared quickly. She almost wished he would get mad because at least then she would know how to respond, unlike now with him acting so distant and aloof.

  Suddenly he pulled her towards him until she was locked in his arms, in a grip so tight she was crushed against his chest, and she realised his uncaring demeanour was just a facade. He may not have been able to say the words but she sensed his real concern for her, felt it in every fibre of her body. “I’m okay, Tristan.”

  “Are you? Really?”

  “Yes.”

  He fell silent once again.

  When he still didn’t release her after several minutes, she began to stroke his hair. “Let’s go back to my place.”

  “No, not yet.”

  “I’ll make it worth your while,” she whispered seductively.

  Even that didn’t seem to excite him.

  “Promise me you’re not going to hurt yourself again. Promise me,” he demanded, pulling back to look at her. His eyes were frantic and filled with desperation, his hold on her tense.

  It was clear he was on the brink of losing control and she knew him enough to know how much that bothered him. Despite the vast differences between them, they were very similar when all the layers were stripped away. “It doesn’t work like that.”

  “What the fuck does that mean?”

  Vesper felt her temper rising but she reminded herself to stay calm; he was freaking out, yes, but this wasn’t unexpected. “Promises don’t mean anything when it comes to stuff like this.” Her voice faltered, trying to find the right words. “It took me a long time to stop hurting myself and I still struggle with it when things overwhelm me or I feel out of control. It’s a work in progress, Tristan, it always will be. The only thing I can promise you is that I’m never going to stop fighting the urge to give into it.”

  “Yeah, well,” he said in a cold voice, “That’s not good enough.”

  “What?” She stared at him, bewildered at how quickly he’d transitioned from sensitive to asshole. “I’m trying to be honest with you.”

  “So am I. How the fuck do I know you won’t start slicing yourself up when shit goes down?”

  “What do you want, a guarantee?”

  “Yeah, maybe. How else am I supposed to trust you?”

  Red-hot anger swept over her. It had taken a lot for her to tell him the truth and instead of supporting her or trying to understand, he was making it about himself. “You know what, forget it. Forget I ever said anything. This was obviously a mistake. You want someone perfect and I’m definitely not that.” Pushing him away, she started walking back.

  “Hey! You don’t get to drop a bombshell like that on me and walk away!” he yelled, following behind her.

  “Watch me.”

  He blocked her path. “We need to talk about this.”

  “I’m done talking to you.” She walked past him, heading in the direction of the subway station she’d spotted earlier.

  “Where the hell are you going?”

  “None of your business!”

  “At least let me take you home.”

  She continued on her way, refusing to look back at him.

  “Fine. Do whatever the fuck you want! That’s what you’re gonna do anyway.”

  Reaching the station stairs, she quickly made her way underground. A part of her was furious at Tristan but mostly she was disappointed in herself for expecting any kind of understanding from him. Of course he’d freaked out, it was bound to happen. If it hadn’t been about this, then it would’ve been when he saw the scars on her body, or when he found out about Latoya. Sooner or later their relationship would’ve ended. It just happened to be tonight. Holding back the tears that threatened to spill down her face, she passed through the turnstiles and made her way to the subway platform.

  *****

  By the time Vesper reached her apartment an hour later, she was exhausted and dying for a hot shower. She wanted to wash this disastrous night away and sink into bed; unfortunately, Tristan was waiting for her inside her apartment. “Breaking and entering now?” she remarked, taking her heels off to throw them aside.

  “Bribing and entering, actually,” he said with a small smile. “I went to your super and slipped him a few bills to let me in. Told him I was your boyfriend and wanted to surprise you.”

  She walked past him and into the kitchen to grab a glass of water. “Looks like I need a new place to live.”

  He followed behind her. “Might not be a bad idea.”

  “Why are you here?”

  “Because I wanted to make sure you reached home safely.”

  “You could’ve called.”

  “Yeah, and you would’ve ignored it.”

  He was right.

  He started walking towards her, and the tenuous hold she had on her composure started to dissolve. The walls of her tiny kitchen began to close in on her. Earlier tonight she’d been so furious at him she actually hadn’t dealt with the pain caused by his callous words, but now there was no anger to buffer the hurt and her body started to shake in response. “Don’t come closer,” she urged, hating that her voice trembled.

  He didn’t listen, didn’t stop; instead he came to stand directly in front of her. His eyes brimmed with concern and guilt, and she found herself cracking under the intensity of his gaze. When he reached out to comfort her, she struggled against him but her efforts were futile. He simply held on, cradling her tenderly in his arms, which only made the anguish worse. Where was this Tristan before? Where was his understanding then? “I think we should stop seeing each other.”

  He pulled away to look at her, anger stamped across his features. “What?”

  She shrugged her shoulders. “You heard me.”

  “One fight and you’re ready to throw in the towel?”

  “One fight?” A bitter laugh escaped her lips. “Do you have any idea how difficult it was for me to tell you about the scars? How scared I was? And what did you do? You freaked out and made the whole thing about yourself!”

  “I know I fucked up; I wish I could take it back.” He grasped her hand with his own, squeezing it tightly as he pressed it against his chest. “Let’s just deal with it and put it behind us. Please.”

  The desperation in his eyes made her heart ache, and she cupped his face with her other hand to console him. “I’m not just saying this for my own benefit, Tristan. It would be much easier for you to be with someone who doesn’t come with baggage like I do.”

  “Everyone has issues, Vesper. Haven’t you realised how messed up I am yet?”

  “I know, but–”

  “But nothing,” he interjected, bringing her hand to his lips so he could plant a gentle kiss on her skin. “I don’t want anyone else. Only you.”

  Although his words filled her with happiness, she couldn’t shake off the uncertainty that was still in her heart.

  “I know I acted like a jackass before,” he said in a quiet tone.

  “Which isn’t exactly unexpected from you.” Despite the smile across his face, she sensed the current of tension in him. His blue eyes appeared troubled, a clear indication something was weighing heavily on his mind.

  “I’m just…” he paused, struggling. “I freaked out because… what if something I do or say triggers you to hurt yourself again? Vesper, if anything happens to you–”

  “If it does, if I fall back into old habits, you’re not the one responsible. You need to understand that, Tristan.”

  He shook his head ‘no’. “I always fuck thing
s up. I don’t want to but it happens, and if you get hurt–”

  “I’m not a child. I’m responsible for my own actions, good or bad. If you don’t get that, we might as well end things now.”

  He gave her a bitter smile. “Always ready to walk, huh?”

  Regret washed over her for telling him she wanted to break up; that probably didn’t help with his insecurities. Standing on her tip-toes, she grazed his lips. “I want to be with you but I don’t need someone to take care of me or protect me. That’s not what we’re about. Tell me you understand that.”

  “I do.”

  “Good.” She smiled, nuzzling his nose. “Then I don’t want to hear any more talk about you being a trigger. I have a hard enough time coping when things are going nuts in my life, I don’t want to have to worry about you too.”

  “Promise you’ll at least talk to me when things are bad.”

  Her eyes softened as she realised how important this was to him. “Okay.”

  “And I need something else from you.”

  “Getting greedy now, are we?”

  “We’re going to fight, that’s just who we are. But I don’t want to hear anymore about break-ups after every argument or how I should be with someone else. I want you, baggage and all.”

  “Gee, thanks. That’s sweet of you.”

  His eyes twinkled with wicked mischief as he pulled her up against his chest. “Not to mention generous. Like if you ever want to be with another chick, preferably a really hot one, I don’t have a problem with it as long as I can watch.”

  “Are you done yet?” she asked.

  “Maybe. Why?”

  “Because I’m going to kiss you.” And she did just that, finally shutting him up.

  *****

  Lounging on the couch, Tristan lolled his head back on a cushion and closed his eyes. Vesper was still in the shower, and if he concentrated really hard he could hear her singing. She had a terrible voice, but it brought a smile to his face nonetheless.

  Tonight had been one of those nights where he’d experienced a soaring high one minute, a terrifying low the next. If he was honest with himself, that whole roller coaster of emotions was the very reason he had avoided her in the first place. Now, he couldn’t imagine being without her despite the tumultuous energy she brought to his life. Just then her confession about cutting herself flashed in his mind. Panic flooded over him. The thought of anything bad happening to her filled him with so much anger and dread he had trouble breathing; it was why he’d completely lost his mind earlier and reacted stupidly. After what happened with his mother… no, no, no. Fuck that. Nothing bad was going to happen to Vesper. Nothing.