Single Dad

by River Laurent

  “Yes, I guess she is.”

  “Do you have a girlfriend, Daddy?”

  I glance sideways at her.

  She isn’t looking at me, but at the spot, she’s painting.

  “No, I don’t. After we paint your room what furniture do you want to put in it?”

  “I haven’t thought about it yet,” she says solemnly.

  “How about that rocking chair I bought for your last birthday?”

  She stops painting and looks down the tray. “It’s okay, Daddy. Don’t worry about it. It’s too far to bring.”

  I stare at her. I already know her ways. When she looks down, she’s trying to hide something. “Maddie, I can easily get it sent over.”

  She looks up at me then and exhales heavily. “I don’t know where it is.”

  My eyes are narrowed. “Why not?”

  Her eyes slide away. “Mommy gave it away.”

  I stare at her bent head. “What?”

  My six-year old daughter looks me in the eye and states, “Mommy always gives away all the toys you send to me.”

  I try not to show my rage. Regina, you vile bitch you. Whatever did I see in that psychopath I’ll never know. I’m starting to really hate her. If she were here, I couldn’t guarantee I would be able to stop myself from slapping her conceited, plastic face. I force a smile for Maddie’s sake. “It’s okay, honey. We’ll just have to go out and get you a whole bunch of brand new toys, won’t we?”

  She beams up at me. “Daddy, can I have that Japanese doll back too? I don’t mind not having the Miss Osaka, but I do miss Miss Toyko and her green Kimono.”

  It’s been a long time since I felt choked up with emotion. I didn’t even cry at my parents’ funeral. I was too shocked by the way they were suddenly both gone. Just like that. Without even a goodbye. Their car hit a speeding grain and silage trailer. The driver was drunk and their bodies were so mangled they had to have closed caskets.

  But hearing my daughter ask for the Japanese doll I bought her when she was four makes me want to bawl my eyes out. All these years, I’ve been sending gifts and that selfish bitch has been quietly and mercilessly getting rid of them. What kind of woman is she?

  “Daddy?” Her little forehead is creased and her lips are pursed.

  “Yes?”

  “What am I going to do tomorrow when you have to go to work?”

  “You’ll come to work with me again, but Tuesday is Fourth of July, so I’ll have that day off, and we can go to the fair a few blocks over, if you want to. They’ll have fireworks and things like that. You think you might want to do that?”

  She nods vigorously, curls bouncing everywhere. “Yes,” she gushes. “That will be sooooo fun!”

  “But there’s something else we have to do first. Tomorrow night after I finish work, we’re going to meet with a few potential nannies. We’ll leave early. Does that sound good?”

  She hangs her head. “I guess…”

  I crouch down next to her. “What’s the matter?”

  “It’s just that…” She sighs. “I already had so many nannies. I’m sorta tired of them.”

  “Oh honey, I’m sorry about that.” I put an arm around her small shoulders. “You can’t come to work with me every day. Little girls are not supposed to do that, but it won’t be like it was when you were living in England. I promise.”

  “You don’t know what it was like there, though,” she points out, ever reasonable.

  I smile. “True. You can tell me about it, you know.”

  “I know.” She sighs, a child with the weight of the world on her shoulders.

  I want to take that weight away from her. She’s too young for it. “Well. How about you tell me when you’re ready,” I say when she remains silent. I won’t push her. I want her to feel she can trust me. That means knowing when it’s time to press and when it’s time to step back and give her space to come to me on her own.

  I don’t doubt that any nanny Regina left in charge of her daughter was thoroughly vetted. It doesn’t sound as though this is a case of mistreatment. Aside from the chicken pox, she seems to be a normal, healthy little girl. Wise beyond her years, certainly. Lonely, but not abused.

  “What if I kept coming to your office, but I stayed with Sam during the day?” she suggests.

  I manage to cringe only on the inside at the mention of Sam’s name. “I don’t think that would work, baby.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because Sam has work to do.”

  “So do you and I stayed in your office,” she points out.

  “Yes, but I moved a lot of things around for your sake this past week. Not that I wasn’t happy to do it,” I add quickly. “But Sam can’t do that. She’s working on the prototype, remember? We have to get it finished by the time the conference comes.”

  She nods slowly. “Will I get to see her again, do you think?”

  “You really like her, huh?”

  “Yeah. She’s nice. And pretty.”

  “She is both those things,” I agree.

  “Is she’s smart?”

  “Yes, she’s very smart, too.”

  “Do you think I’m smart enough to be an engineer someday?”

  “Of course, you are, but I’ll be proud of you, no matter what you decide to become.”

  She seems content with this. “Do you think Sam likes ice cream, Daddy?”

  “What?” I ask, fists clenched outside her line of sight.

  Her head pops up, a big grin on her face. “Maybe, when she isn’t busy, she can come over and have ice cream with us. What do you think?”

  Sam, Sam, Sam. No matter how I try, I can’t get away from her. It would seem she’s cast her spell over my daughter, too.

  Lincoln

  I wake up a wreck after spending a sleepless night. All I did was toss, turn and finally, out of desperation, jerk off, but the yearning for her body is so intense not even that would relieve the ache. Now that I’ve had a taste of her sweetness, I want more. She lit a fire in me that I can’t extinguish.

  I’m irritable by the time we arrive at the office.

  Maddie knows the drill, setting herself up in a corner of my office and settling in to play with her tablet and coloring books. The building is virtually empty, thanks to it being the Fourth tomorrow. Most of my staff people have turned it into a four-day weekend. If I had to take a guess, I’d say Sam didn’t.

  The need to chase her is incredible. Like some prehistoric caveman hunter, I feel my body hum, as if I am near prey or a source of water. The tension is nearly unbearable. I want to go to her. Right this minute. I want to throw her down on that metal table in the lab and slam into her. Hard. All day long.

  “Daddy?”

  “Yeah, honey.”

  “Do you think Sam came to work today?”

  “Maybe,” I mutter distractedly. Truth is, I know shit about her. I’m her boss. It’s perfectly within my rights as the company CEO to access the HR files and take a look.

  It’s shocking how truly un-disappointed in myself I am for stooping this low. Her picture pops up on my screen. I enlarge it. Even in this photo, her hair is tightly held back and there is only a ghost of a smile on her face. My eyes scan her bio. So she lives in a rather modest part of town. As a senior engineer, she could easily afford something better. She could be supporting a relative or paying off some massive debt. College maybe?

  Unmarried. I knew that already. But her file doesn’t provide much more insight into her private life. No mention of a significant other. She wouldn’t have fucked me if she had a boyfriend, would she? Doesn’t seem the type, but women are a mysterious bunch. I can’t make the same mistakes I did before. I can’t fool myself into believing she’s someone she isn’t.

  Maybe she’s with him right now. Maybe he’s touching her, kissing her. Just the mere thought of her being with another man makes my heart pound fast and my temper flare. My head feels hot and tight. I can’t think straight with the blood rushing in my ears. Sh
e’s mine. I have to make her mine.

  “Can you entertain yourself up here for a little while?” I ask, turning to Maddie.

  She nods.

  “If you need anything just pick up that phone and call Erica or me, okay?”

  “Okay, Daddy.” Maddie agrees with a nod.

  I head straight out to the elevator. I have to see her. I need to be with her. To touch her skin. I need to know she knows what Friday night meant to me. And how much I hate the awkward way we left things.

  When I open the door, swinging it to the side, I find that she’s not alone.

  “What do you mean, you don’t have any plans?” Ryland teases.

  Is he fucking flirting with her? My blood pressure shoots up.

  “You’re too young and pretty not to have something to do during the holiday,” he adds.

  Yes, he is definitely flirting with her.

  “I’m a workaholic. Sue me,” she says, grinning…until she spots me filling up the doorway, and glowering down at the two of them. “Oh. Good morning.” There’s nothing on her face, in her eyes, or tone of voice, to give the impression that anything ever happened between us.

  What transpired three nights ago, may as well have been a dream. Something I imagined.

  “Hey, Big Boss. Good morning. How was your weekend?” Ryland asks, completely oblivious.

  “It was fine,” I reply, never looking away from her.

  She’s blank-faced. Polite, professional, but nothing more.

  I can’t talk to her with him around. I can’t very well kick him out of the room when the prototype which was used in testing, is sitting alongside the one we plan to use during the demonstration. They clearly plan to apply her solution to the new prototype and run a test.

  Ryland gives me a strange look. “Everything okay?”

  How can I possibly feel like an outsider in my own lab? It’s all too ridiculous. I won’t let her make a fool out of me. “Yeah, everything is just fine. I’ll leave the two of you to your work,” I say casually, backing out of the room.

  “Don’t you want to hear what Sam came up with?” Ryland asks, his eyes glowing with excitement.

  I shake my head and before anybody realizes I’m a jealous lunatic, I step out into the corridor. “No. Surprise me when it’s done.”

  Samantha

  As soon as his footsteps die away, I deflate like a dammed balloon. I lower my gaze to the drone, my mind whirling.

  He looked like a man in a fever when he stepped into the lab. I wonder if he knows it. I wonder if Ryland noticed. They know each other so well he would have been bound to pick up on something strange from his best friend.

  Or maybe, I’m just kidding myself. Maybe I’m mistaking embarrassment for some deeper emotion. He must have come to tell me to forget what we did on the floor. Pretend it never really happened. He doesn’t need to. The sane part of me would have to agree with him. It was such a colossal mistake. I don’t know what I was thinking. I’ve never behaved in such a wanton way ever. I have to stop thinking about him.

  That’s all I did all weekend, and where did it get me? Nowhere.

  “Everything all right between you two?” Ryland asks, scratching his jaw.

  “Mmmm…”

  “You didn’t have another fight when I wasn’t around, did you?”

  “No, no,” I reply, telling the truth for once. “No, it’s just…awkward. As always. I guess it always will be. He doesn’t like me.”

  “Eh, I think you’re wrong,” he jibes, winking. “He’s just a stubborn son of a bitch when he wants to be. That’s all. He hates to admit when he’s been acting like a dick.”

  I wince at his choice of word. It was my word, but now I feel disloyal for letting Ryland say that about Lincoln. He’s not a dick. And even if he is a dick, he’s my dick. The thought brings me up short. What the hell am I doing?

  “Anyway, don’t let him get to you. Just keep plugging away.” Ryland stands, pushing his stool back. “I have to get back to my office and wrap up a few things. I’d like to make it an early day.”

  “Understood. Enjoy the holiday.” I wish I felt even a fraction of the enthusiasm in my voice. I feel nothing but—empty. Disappointed and confused by the way I can’t get my thoughts straight when it comes to Lincoln.

  Ryland leaves and I sink down in a chair. I stare at the drone blankly. It’s useless, trying to get any work done right now. This isn’t like me. Work has always come first. And this work is far too important to let something like my hormones get in the way.

  I pull the clip from my hair and shake it out of its bun, sighing. I wish we hadn’t done it. I wish we could do it again. Back and forth, back and forth, like a ping pong ball. For two solid days, that’s what I put myself through.

  I keep cursing myself for letting the adrenaline rush of solving the overheating issue go to my head.

  Longing for him.

  Wondering whether it’ll make things even more uncomfortable between us.

  Wishing I could be with him again—alone, this time, without the chance of being caught.

  Wishing I had never seen him in the first place.

  No, no, no. I stop just short of pushing the prototype from the table—no sense losing my job—and wonder why I bothered coming in today. Maybe because I needed to see him. Or because I needed to be in the room where it happened.

  I look down at the spot where we made love, right there on the floor. Lovemaking isn’t what it was. It was primal, wild, uncontrollable, dirty, hot, unbelievable. Like nothing that has ever happened to me.

  What am I, nuts? I’m going to have to look at that spot every day for the duration of my job here. Why would I put myself through that? The constant, daily reminder of how stupid I was. Because no matter how good it felt, it’s now finished, the moment is over, and it’s left me a hot mess. It was stupid, end of story.

  I’ve wanted a lot of things in my life. Who hasn’t? And I’ve managed to work my way into a few of them, including this job. But there were many things I didn’t get, too. I learned to live with that, the way anybody else does. I’ll have to learn to live without him, no matter how much I want him.

  It’s all in the past now. There’s no reason for me to fall under a spell like that, ever again. Because it was just adrenaline. Relief. Shared happiness over breaking through a major setback.

  That’s all.

  No, it isn’t, a voice in my head whispers. I stare at the floor again. In my heart, I know that’s not all, not by a long shot. If there were nothing between us to begin with, we wouldn’t have ended up wrapped in each other. Immediately, like we were magnetized, we flew to each other. It felt so right and when he was inside me, I felt as if he belonged there, even though he stretched me the way no man has, and it actually hurt being filled like that. But when it was over and he pulled out, it wasn’t relief I felt. I actually felt it like a loss. My body cried for him.

  That’s not the sort of thing that just happens. Passionate, frenzied, incredibly satisfying sex with a man like him—doesn’t just happen unless there’s an undercurrent of something else beneath it.

  I know what that undercurrent is.

  I was right to act cool and professional with him earlier, I decide as I gather my things. I presented the solution to Ryland and that’s all I had to do today. Thanks to our breakthrough on Friday, I don’t have to be here. I don’t even know why I came and staying here any longer is nothing more than torture at this point. A day off tomorrow will help clear my head a little more.

  Yeah, right. I roll my eyes. Because an entire weekend did that so well.

  I test the lock to be sure it’s secure and start walking down the empty corridor. For the first time in my adult life, I wish I weren’t such a workaholic. It would be nice to have something to do tomorrow, the way people my age generally do. Some sort of diversion.

  I’ve always dismissed that sort of thing in favor of proving myself at school or in the lab. Look where it’s gotten me. The one plac
e I’ve always felt secure, always felt like I could contribute and prove myself worthy, is the one place where I now feel like I can’t be without wanting to tear my boss’ clothes off.

  Or tear my heart out.

  Lincoln

  I wanna go over there! No, wait, over there! Oh, Daddy, can I have cotton candy?” My daughter’s eyes shine with the sort of frantic light only sensory overload can provide.

  I had no idea the fair would be anything like this. The street is completely clogged with people and their exuberant energy. I’ve heard it is amazing, which was why I wanted to bring Maddie here, but I might have reconsidered if I’d known it was going to be this frenetic.

  No, I wouldn’t have.

  Not when I see how overjoyed she is.

  The day is hot and humid as it made Maddie’s already curly hair nearly stand on end. She looks so funny as she swivels her head back and forth in an attempt to take in the clowns, jugglers, face painters. Musicians, dancers, street artists. And the food, so many competing smells I can hardly tell one from the other. Sweet, salty and oily have all come together to create the sort of perfume one can only ever smell at an event such as this.

  A little girl with pigtails passes in front of us and I suddenly realize that I need a woman in my life to show me how to do a little girl’s hair. Maybe Liz, our new nanny, can give me a few pointers. Lord knows there’s nobody else to ask.

  Not…

  Nope. I can’t think about her. Today is Daddy time with Maddie. Besides, I didn’t like the way I felt when I saw Sam with Ryland. I knew there was nothing going on between them, but I wanted to knock his head off his neck so bad, my teeth ached. I never felt that way about any woman before Sam. It is a bad sign. Also, it pissed me off when Sam looked at me yesterday as though I had imagined our last encounter when she had fucked me as if she was starving for it. I hate women who run hot and cold. I don’t need complications in my life.

  Maddie tugs at my hand. I look down at her. “Can I have cotton candy?” she reminds me.

  “You can, but only if you eat something real first,” I say decisively. I have learned that I need to be firm with Maddie. On Saturday, she somehow managed to manipulate me into letting her eat Nutella for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. When I think back now, I don’t know how exactly she did it, but I’m wiser now. A lot wiser. We won’t ever be having a repeat of that. When she next comes up with another gem like ketchup is a vegetable, I’ll know exactly what to say.