Collingsworth

by Andy Eisenberg

  Collingsworth

  Michael waited for the gatekeeper to unlock and swing the wide, scrolled gate aside. He had walked from the small town to the boarding school as a scholarship day-student every day since moving to Collingsworth from Boston after his parents’ death from influenza when he was twelve. Nearly six years later, he was starting his last year of school, nearing the end of his residence with his mother’s indifferent cousin, and facing an uncertain future. Educated as a gentleman in the finer points of etiquette needed for a society to which he would never be admitted, and with no money to continue his education, he weighed his limited options. Thinking of the military career that likely awaited, he didn’t notice that the gatekeeper had unlocked the gate and was waiting for him to pass through.

  “Good morning Mr. Taylor,” the gatekeeper said loudly, a smile hidden beneath his large mustache. “A bit sleepy, are we this morning?”

  “What? Oh, yes. A bit distracted, I think. Thank you.” Michael ducked through the gate and followed the winding path through the light mist to the school and morning assembly.

  Walking into the large hall for the Morning Prayer and announcements, he smelled the familiar scents of lemon furniture polish, old wood, leather-bound books, and damp wool. He sat in the back of the hall and watched his fellow students talking excitedly in small groups, catching each other up on what they had done on summer holiday. None of them approached him, but it was something that he was used to. Barely tolerated by the majority of the student body, the day-students received little notice other than open scorn. Any positive attention they received was for their value in sneaking contraband into the school. Since Michael had refused to participate, he was largely ignored.

  Michael watched his fellow students, unconsciously keeping his eye out for a particular head of wavy hair the color of corn silk. He watched two fifth year men walking shoulder-to-shoulder discreetly grasp each other’s fingers in spite of the regular lectures that they received about the dangers of special friendships. Even as a day-student he saw his fellow students sneak off in pairs only to return with their navy and maroon school ties askew and their cheeks flushed.

  Living a sheltered life, he knew few details about what went on in those furtive encounters in empty classrooms and closets but knew instinctively that they were different than what he craved. His fellow classmates looked only for physical release; they would go on to marry and have wives and mistresses, the dark fumbling of their childhood forgotten. Michael longed for companionship, for one special friend.

  In the dark silence of his room at night, he allowed himself to think of spending long evenings reading with his special friend, of intimate hugs with their bodies pressed together. Imagining the smell of his friend’s neck and the feel of a raspy cheek against his, he barely dared to think of their lips pressed together as he spent into the old handkerchief that he kept hidden for those nights when he couldn’t suppress his body’s desires. He averted his eyes from his own reflection in the mirror as he washed the handkerchief out in his shaving water in the morning.

  His mind was brought back to the present when he saw a flash of blond hair in a group of students passing his chair. David Bennington was everything that Michael was not: gregarious, popular, well-off, destined for Harvard and a respectable career as a barrister. Michael’s cheeks pinked, realizing that he had just been thinking of pressing his body against his handsome classmate’s. Afraid that David would know his thoughts by simply looking at him, he lowered his eyes to his lap and willed his body’s reaction away before embarrassing himself.

  David and his friends sat a short distance from Michael, allowing him a clear view of the man who unknowingly starred in Michael’s fantasies. The chaplain’s voice was a pleasant drone as Michael lost himself in his examination of David’s blond hair, imagining running his hands through those waves and wondered if it would be soft or coarse, if it would smell of macassar oil or the outdoors.

  The chaplain’s voice had faded, only to be replaced by the headmaster’s baritone with neither Michael’s notice nor “amen.” His attention only turned to the headmaster’s voice when he heard a murmur spreading through the assembled students. The announcement of the masked Christmas ball and the dance lessons that all of the men would have to endure, while causing much excitement among his classmates, only caused his own heart to sink. The annual influx of the perfumed and powdered creatures from the neighboring St. Anne’s was to be endured, not celebrated.

  The first of their dance lessons was to be held the following day after the last class and would be led by their music instructor, Dr. Kennedy. Michael waited until his study period, slipped from the library, and walked softly over the dark hardwood floors to the choir room to attempt to gain permission to avoid the dance lessons. The small choir was practicing for vespers when Michael pushed the heavy oak door open. Seeing David standing in the last row, he was able to pick out his clear tenor among the rest of the voices, and passed the time until Dr. Kennedy dismissed the choir watching David’s animated face, his blue eyes, the pink of his cheeks.

  Barely able to maintain a decorous walk on the way to the relative freedom of their lunch period, the choir filed from the room as Michael stood and approached the music professor. “Dr. Kennedy, may I have a word?”

  “Yes, of course, Mr. Taylor. Sit, please.”

  “Thank you, sir. I would like to request your permission to miss the dance lessons and the ball.” Uncomfortable speaking to any of the professors, he could feel the heat in his face as he spoke.

  “Do you have a physical ailment, Mr. Taylor?” Dr. Kennedy moved behind his desk and sat, resting his elbows on the blotter.

  “No, sir.” Michael paused, unwilling and unable to say that he had no desire to go to the ball with the girls of St. Anne’s but unsure what excuse he could give. “Well, sir, it’s just that, well you know that I’m a day-student, and on scholarship. I don’t think that I’ll have the opportunity to dance after leaving Collingsworth, and your time could be better spent on the men who will use what they learn.”

  “Nonsense. Every gentleman must learn to dance.” He waved his hand dismissively.

  Michael thought quickly for another plausible reason. “Sir, I’ve grown out of my formal wear, and my cousin won’t buy me another set.”

  Dr. Kennedy examined the threadbare jacket, the obviously turned collar, and shoes that no amount of polish would make respectable again. “Attend the dance lessons and we’ll figure out proper attire before the ball.”

  Michael sighed, knowing that he was defeated. “Yes, sir. I’ll be there.” His only consolation was that this would be the last ball that he would have to attend.

  * * *

  The following afternoon found the upper classmen in the ballroom, the choir accompanist at the grand piano, and Dr. Kennedy trying to talk over the din of excited adolescent voices. “Gentlemen. Gentlemen! Please sort yourself in pairs according to height. As we have no young ladies present it will make it easier to switch leads. Hurry, now.”

  To Michael’s horror, he almost found himself paired with David, but at the last minute he slid in place next to another sixth year, Joseph Bishop. “Taylor, isn’t it?”

  “Yes, and you’re Bishop?” Joseph had started at Collingsworth several months before the end of their fifth year and the two had never spoken.

  Michael was saved from further conversation when Dr. Kennedy clapped his hands. “Gentlemen, for today’s lesson one of each pair will play the part of the young lady and the roles will be reversed at tomorrow’s lesson. Gentlemen, you will hold your young lady’s right hand like so.”

  The couples had sorted themselves into their genders for the afternoon and were busy molding themselves into the positions described by Dr
. Kennedy. Having agreed to be the “young lady” for the afternoon, Michael stood with his left hand resting on Joseph’s muscular shoulder and his right clasped loosely in his partner’s left. He tried to pay attention to the instructions given by Dr. Kennedy, but he found himself distracted by Joseph’s closeness and the similarity of their position to his fantasies about David.

  Dr. Kennedy stopped weaving between couples to correct position or step and moved to the piano. “Gentlemen, let’s attempt an entire waltz, beginning to end.” He knocked on the piano for the accompanist to begin.

  Both men were athletic and moved easily through the steps of the waltz as Joseph led Michael toward the edge of the dance floor, away from the clumsier of their classmates, and pulled him a bit closer as they grew comfortable with the other’s movements. “A bit ironic, don’t you think Taylor?”

  His mind filled with the delicious heat of Joseph’s body, the sight of David dancing a few feet away, and the fear of the discovery of his erection, Michael couldn’t process David’s question. “I’m sorry, Bishop, what did you ask?”

  “Don’t you think that it’s all a bit ironic? The school lectures us against special friendships, expels men who are caught with each other and yet forces us to dance in each other’s arms.”

  Michael’s step faltered at the daring mention of the very thoughts that had consumed him from the minute that he felt Joseph’s hand in his. He caught his step easily but didn’t know if it was safe to respond, as the merest whisper of suspicion was enough to be brought in front of the headmaster to face possible expulsion. Without a powerful family behind him, he was more likely to be expelled than most of his classmates and he needed to graduate if he hoped to be an officer.

  When Michael didn’t respond, Joseph continued, “You must miss a lot being a day-student, but their lectures are completely useless. Don’t believe that it’s only the students either. More than one professor has been sent away in disgrace, and there are more who have never been caught.”

  Michael listened, unable to believe that his classmate was so bold. “I don’t believe this conversation is entirely proper, Bishop.”

  “What fun is there in being proper?” Joseph leaned in until their chests pressed together and Michael could feel warm breath against his ear. “The English classroom is empty. Come with me and we can be improper together.”

  Horrified, Michael was saved from answering by Dr. Kennedy. “Decorum, Mr. Bishop. That’s all for today, men. Back tomorrow at the same time.”

  * * *

  The walk home that evening passed in fevered thought. Michael was puzzled by his own body’s reaction to Bishop’s unwelcome request, by the feel of a warm masculine body against his, by the almost unbearable yearning he felt when he looked at David. He had had the chance to spend the afternoon in David’s arms and he had allowed it to slip through his fingers, knowing that he would have disgraced himself entirely.

  The butler met him in the foyer when he finally reached the house he had called home for six years. “The family are in Boston, shopping. Would you like a tray in your room or would you prefer the dining room?”

  He handed his coat to the butler, choking down the bitterness toward his cousin and his family. His cousin never let him forget that he was there only because of the family’s generosity, and his wife held him out to her friends as evidence of her philanthropy. They took regular shopping trips to Boston and New York while he had his collars turned and had to accept charity from the professors for proper evening wear for the masked ball.

  “A tray in my room, please.” Lost in his thoughts of school and family, he didn’t see the pity in the butler’s eyes as he turned to go. He crossed the opulent carpet in the foyer, up the stairs, and through progressively smaller hallways before reaching his spartan room. Sitting at his desk, he pulled his Latin homework from his case but was still staring at it, unseeing, when his tray arrived half an hour later.

  After a quiet evening in his room, Michael slept fitfully, dreaming of David, bodies pressed together, and the feel of a stubbled cheek under his lips. He awoke in the morning to find that his body had reacted to the visions in his dreams and was embarrassed by the stickiness in his night clothes.

  Michael’s day began as all of his days at Collingsworth had, until a small first year ran up to him after assembly with a note. It was the first such note he had received in his tenure at the school and it was printed on thick paper with his name in flowing script. Opening the envelope, he found that it was an invitation to meet Dr. Kennedy in the music room over the lunch hour. While this might be his first message, he knew that invitations from the professors were not to be refused.

  Sitting through his morning classes, Michael avoided being called on or participating in discussions, unable to think about anything other than the reason for his summons. Before it was time for his appointment he worked himself into a state of alarm, convincing himself that he was about to be expelled for crimes against nature or at the very least receive a formal reprimand for his behavior with Bishop during yesterday’s dance lesson. Standing outside of the door at the appointed time, he took a deep breath before knocking lightly.

  His heart beating rapidly, he opened the door and walked to Dr. Kennedy’s untidy desk. “Mr. Taylor, please have a seat. Tea?”

  “No, sir. I couldn’t.” His throat was so dry that he was having difficulty swallowing and could have used the tea if he didn’t fear that his stomach would rebel.

  Dr. Kennedy sipped from his own cup and regarded the young man sitting across his desk. His demeanor was completely different than the somewhat shy and embarrassed young man who sat in this very office the day before.

  “Are you quite all right? Has something happened to upset you?”

  Michael could only think of Bishop pressed against him during yesterday’s dance lesson. He could not tell Dr. Kennedy that, however. “Yes, sir. I mean no, sir.” He took a deep breath and started over. “I mean, I was only wondering what was wrong. Why you called me here. Am I in trouble, sir?”

  “Of course not, Mr. Taylor. Have you done something that warrants discipline?” Dr. Kennedy hid his smile behind his tea cup. It wouldn’t do to appear indulgent to any of his charges.

  “I haven’t, sir.” The panic was slowly fading to confusion as the only imagined reason for a summons to Dr. Kennedy’s office had apparently been overlooked.

  “You’ve been an outstanding student, if a bit quiet. After our discussion yesterday I took the liberty of looking through your file. You’ve been living with a cousin since the death of your parents.” He paused, not expecting an answer to his statements, but wanted to give Taylor time to adjust to his subject. “There is a letter in the file from a barrister in Boston referencing your eighteenth birthday. Did you receive any correspondence when you turned eighteen?”

  Michael’s brow creased in confusion. “No, sir.”

  “With your permission, I would like to contact his office and speak to him on your behalf. You’re old enough to do it yourself, of course, if you would rather.”

  Confused, Michael had no idea what a letter from law offices in Boston would have to do with him. “Yes, sir. Please, contact them if you’d like.”

  Michael watched Dr. Kennedy pour another cup of tea, place it in front of him, and push the service close at hand. Picking the cup and saucer up gratefully, he said, “Thank you, it’s very welcome.”

  Handing a small card across the desk, Dr. Kennedy said, “Take this card to Hardison’s and they’ll fit you for evening wear for the ball.”

  This meeting was so far beyond anything Michael had expected that he sat mute, unable to process any more surprises. “But I have no money, no way to pay.”

  “I’ve arranged payment. Mr. Hardison is a… a dear friend and has agreed to a discounted price. I’ll expect you to repay me one day when you’re able. Better yet, put your repayment into an account to be used by a future scholarship student for a similar purpose.”

 
; “Thank you, Dr. Kennedy.” Michael took the card and held it almost reverently.

  “You’re welcome. One more question, then I’ll let you get back to your friends. What did you think that I was going to accuse you of?”

  Michael felt his face grow warm again and the cup rattled in the saucer as he placed it back on the desk. “I… I don’t. I mean I… can’t. I’d rather not discuss it, sir.” He looked down at the card in his hands.

  Dr. Kennedy raised his eyebrows as he considered the young man who looked ready to bolt from the room. “We’ll leave that for next time, then. I’d like to make this a regular meeting. I have some concerns about your future and, of course, I’ll pass on what I’ve learned from the Boston firm.”

  * * *

  The afternoon passed much more easily than the morning had, and Michael soon found himself back in the ballroom, his muscular classmate in his arms. After a few missteps as he adjusted to leading and Joseph adjusted to being led, they moved smoothly around the floor. Michael attempted to maintain the proper distance between them as his partner pulled him closer.

  “Taylor, let’s sneak out. Kennedy has already seen us. He won’t notice if we leave. The English classroom is still empty and the lock is still broken.”

  “Bishop, what will you do after leaving school? Will you marry?” Michael not only wanted to hear the answer but was trying to distract his partner from his single-minded attempts to become more intimate.

  “I’ll marry, of course. That’s what my family expect of me.” He looked at Michael as if he were a simpleton.

  “But what of the liberties you take here?” He could feel his cheeks grow red at the boldness of the discussion. He had never discussed intimate matters with another soul.

  “What of them? A way to pass the time, to satisfy physical urges.” Joseph pulled Michael closer in their dance and Michael felt a hard shaft against his hip. He recoiled when his body reacted in kind and ran from the room, Joseph quick on his heels.