The D.B. List

by Rebekah L. Purdy

  “Don’t forget to save some for Guppy.”

  I nod. “I won’t. I’ll put them in my pocket now.” I glance around to make sure no one is watching me. We’re not supposed to take anything from the cafeteria into our room. Unless of course we’re on lockdown, then our meals get hand delivered.

  My gaze flits across the room, and I watch Cammie, some girl with an eating disorder shove her food around on her plate. She pretends to eat, but even from here I can tell she’s not putting anything on her fork. One of her nurses goes and sits beside her. And not a second later, Cammie screams.

  “I’m not hungry. You can’t make me eat.” She shoves her tray on the floor. Two orderlies immediately rush her from the room before she can get any of the other patients worked up.

  But they’re a second too late. PJ wrinkles her nose. “I think she got oatmeal on my back. Will you check?” She starts waving her arms around, panicking.

  I hop up and check her. There’s nothing on her. “You’re good.”

  “Are you sure? Are you sure? Because maybe she didn’t want to eat because there’s acid or something in the food. They could be trying to kill us. Do you think they’re trying to poison all the patients and make them die?”

  Oh Fuck. PJ’s gonna have a freakout, I can tell by her wide eyes. I need to get her calmed down. “I promise. I wouldn’t lie to you—I swear.”

  “Swear on your life?” PJ stands wiping at her shirt.

  “Yes. I swear. We’re like sisters. Sisters don’t lie,” I say.

  At last, she smiles and sits back down. “We’re sister-best friends until the end, until the end … ” she sings over and over again.

  A moment later, Therapist Angel comes prancing in. Today she’s wearing a long plaid skirt and a sweater with a giant teddy bear head on it. For shit sake. Where does this lady shop? All I keep picturing is Santa’s Workshop, and she’s like a giant demented elf. She smiles at everyone, waving to several of her patients. Then her eyes rest on me. I realize too late she’s heading for me.

  Crap. What does she want now? We just had a session yesterday. Her smile only grows.

  “Ellie, just who I’m looking for. So, I know you said you didn’t really want to do a group session, but we had an extra spot open up today, and I signed you up. I think it’ll be really great for you.”

  My eyes narrow. “I’m not really up to it.” Geez, why doesn’t this lady get a clue? I don’t want to share my shit with everyone. It’s personal. And I damn sure don’t want to know everyone else’s business.

  “Ellie,” she says in her doctor-voice. “Give it one chance, if you still don’t like it after that, you don’t have to come again. Okay?”

  I know she’s not going to let me be until I agree. I sigh. “Fine. When is it?”

  “Now. We’re in the library.” She ushers me out of my chair, leaving PJ by herself.

  When we get to the “library” if you want to call it that−it’s really just six small book cases with books−there are five other people already sitting around in a circle. Two of the girls I recognize. Hannah and Cameron. The attention grabbers. Both are sitting in chairs comparing scars, their arms out for every to see.

  I plop down next to some guy with chin length black hair and a tattoo on his neck. Like me, his sleeves are pulled down over his arms. He looks as uncomfortable as I feel. He glances up, his brown eyes penetrating—unhappy with my attention. So, I turn away. There is one other guy and another girl in here with us. Neither of which I recognize.

  “Now that everyone is here, you’ll notice we’ve got a new group member today. Ellie, why don’t you introduce yourself.”

  I slip down into my chair farther. Kill me now. “I’m Ellie,” I say, then get quiet.

  “Ellie, why don’t you tell us a little more about yourself. Maybe some of your likes and dislikes.”

  So I start again. “My name is Ellie. I’m seventeen. I like animals. Hate people. My brother found me in a bath tub; now I’m here.”

  The boy with the dark hair grins, then leans closer to me and whispers, “You sound as happy as me.” The animosity that’d been in his eyes a moment before is gone.

  I snort. “Then we’re both screwed.”

  Therapist Angel doesn’t let my sarcasm deter her in the least. In fact, she pulls out a large fuzzy wand thing that looks like a stick with fur and hands it to the guy beside me. “Rhett, why don’t you start off the introductions to our group? Let’s make Ellie feel welcome.”

  Rhett, otherwise known as the dark-haired guy next to me, sighs but takes the wand. He waves it in the air like he’s about to do battle with an evil wizard or something. “I’m Rhett Jacoby. I like to skateboard. I also hate people.” He chuckles. “I’m a cynic, and I want to be a tattoo artist. I’m here because I tried to off myself in the garage. Parents didn’t want all their friends to know I have ‘issues’, so they told them I’m at some art camp for the summer instead of here.”

  Okay, so now I have a new respect for Rhett. He sounds like he’s as fucked up as me. I wonder what demons he battles. But even from here, I can sense the same darkness in him that swims in my own mind. I shiver. Not because I’m scared of him or anything, but because I realize we’re kindred. Kind of like me and PJ.

  Hannah and Cameron both go in turn. They go to the same school back home. They’re both cutters but hadn’t quite got up the courage to do what we did. But their thoughts are sadistic, and where I’m not scared of Rhett, I am frightened of them. It’s like they’re trying to outdo one another or the rest of us on the bat-shit-crazy scale. Hannah talks about how she wants to hurt her mom. That she dreams about it. Yeah, not my kind of crazy. The other two, Olivia and Derek both overdosed. Olivia on prescriptions, Derek on heroin.

  The one thing we all have in common? We all have demons we’re trying to outrun. And the more I hear, the more I understand that I’m not the only fucked up person in this room. I’m not sure if I should be comforted by this, or worried that so many of us are broken.

  Once the fuzzy wand thing is back in Therapist Angel’s hands, she stands up and goes to the corner where she pulls out a small board. On the board, she’s written out everyone’s names. Mine included.

  “So today we’re going to focus on positive focal points. Things that each of us can do to try and keep out of our dark places.” She adjusts her glasses and pulls out a black dry erase marker. “I want everyone to have a long list. You can’t think about harming yourself if you have other things to focus on. Do you understand?”

  I nod, just like the rest of them. She hands us each a sheet of paper and a crayon.

  “Okay, so I want you to take a minute, jot some stuff down, then we’ll share it with the group and put it on our board.”

  I nudge Rhett with my elbow. “Do you guys always have to share everything in here?”

  He quirks an eyebrow. “Yes. Why? Don’t you like sharing? I mean, it’s so freeing—obviously.” He gestures to the rest of the group.

  I laugh. I kind of like his sense of humor. It’s refreshing from all the fake shit. “Great. I’m not sure if I want to become a permanent member.”

  “Well, word has it, we’ll get to go on some field trips if we’re really good.”

  “Like Disney Land?” I write a few things on my list.

  “Sure. Maybe even Ireland. I bet Dr. Angel here will even let us go into a pub for a pint.”

  “Well shit, I was thinking about not coming back next session. Maybe I’ll stay—just for that.”

  “Rhett, Ellie, you need to be writing. We need lots of good ideas and positive thoughts.”

  Rhett leans back in his chair and does this hair flip thing that flings his bangs out of his eyes. “Well, I’m positive that I’d like to go to a pub,” he whispers under his breath to me.

  I laugh. The first real laugh in a long time—unless you counted yesterday with Ky. Ky. Thinking of his face makes me feel all tingly and warm inside. He’s not like the rest of us. He’s light. So
mething I crave. He might not understand me or the others, but it’s like I’m hoping if he comes back tomorrow that some of his goodness will rub off on me or something. But I know it’s dangerous to become dependent on someone.

  Therapist Angel gives us a few more minutes to brainstorm. Once the timer runs down, she claps her hands together. “Okay, who wants to share their list first?”

  She stops right in front of me. What is it with her today? I swear she’s out to get me or something. Knowing she’s going to pick me, I raise my hand. Might as well get it over with. “I’ll go.”

  She beams as if she knew this group would be the best thing for me. “Good. Go ahead, Ellie.”

  I tuck my leg up under me and glance at my paper. “I wrote down: drawing, painting, taking pictures, pretty much anything to do with art. I also put going to the beach, watching the sunset, listening to music, sitting under the stars at night, playing soccer and basketball, swimming. Hanging out with my dog, hiking, marching band, and just being anywhere outdoors and out of my house.”

  My gaze moves to the board where Therapist Angel has written down all my things. “Okay, who’s next?”

  Rhett clears his throat and raises his hand too. Doc nods for him to go. “I have skateboarding, drawing, painting, swimming, biking, hiking, soccer, cross country running, listening to music, playing guitar, going to museums and art galleries, traveling, long walks on the beach with tiny umbrella drinks.” He grins at this last one.

  I snicker but realize he has a similar list to mine. I wonder why I haven’t seen him in the art sessions here at the Institute. So I lean over and ask.

  When I do, he frowns. “Well, I was on lockdown for the last couple of weeks, other than being let out for group. But I think I might start behaving now.”

  That explains it since I’ve only been here for a few weeks. But in a place like this, I try to keep to myself anyway—I’m not looking for best friends or enemies or anything like that. I just want to do my time so to speak and get the hell out of here. However, until I can prove that I’m okay, I’m not going anywhere.

  A bell goes off on Therapist Angel’s phone. “Alright everyone, group is done. We’ll meet back up in a couple of days. I want to encourage you to try and think more about your lists and more positive focal points. And, I’m working on trying to see if I can get us some outdoor time this weekend.”

  As everyone filters out, Therapist Angel catches me. “Ellie, I want to tell you how proud I am of you for being open to this today. You did very well. Much better than the meeting with your parents.”

  My lips purse and I nod. “This wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be.” But I don’t mention anything about my parents or the lack of their seeing me this week. In fact, I’m still happy that she told them to skip a week and give me some space. I’m not as on edge.

  “So, do you think you’d like to try this again in a few days?” I see the hope in her eyes.

  While I’m still not a fan of the touchy-feely-sharing crap, I want to eventually get out of here—so this is my ticket to earn some more freedom and show whatever progress it is that Angel wants to see.

  “Sure.”

  She pats my shoulder. “Yay! I’m so glad to hear that. Keep up the great work, Ellie.”

  When she leaves, I trudge back to find PJ waiting in our room, petting Guppy. I pull out a couple of pieces of fruity-oat cereal from my pocket and give it to her to feed him then I go and sit down.

  “So, did Ellie have fun? Did she make friends with anyone?” PJ plops down on the floor holding Guppy, her paper dog as she talks in third person.

  “It was okay. And yes, I think I made a new friend.”

  “Who?” She hands Guppy to me.

  I pet the piece of paper, trying to ignore how weird this is. “Some guy named Rhett.”

  Her eyes widen. “Oh. He hates everyone. He tried stabbing himself with the end of a paintbrush in art before you got here.”

  For some reason this makes me sad. Are we all so helpless here? That we can’t ever escape the darkness? With these thoughts swirling in my head, my mind shifts to my D.B. List. And I shiver. Some things I don’t like to think about, but I can’t stop the images of the park and Josh Kalper. Of his taking the first piece of me and tearing it apart.

  Chapter Seven

  D.B. List Number 2: Josh Kalper

  So, here’s to you Josh Kalper and your big fat mouth, your roaming hands, and slobbery kisses. Douchebag number two. Just hearing his name in my head makes me want to punch someone.

  Josh sits next to me on his couch. His hand strokes my leg. I give a nervous smile. My stomach kind of knots up. But I know I should be happy. I mean, I’m one of only a few freshmen who went to prom this year. I have no idea how the heck I landed Josh Kalper as my boyfriend. We’ve been dating for three months now. He’s on the varsity baseball team, which practices right across the field from the JV soccer team I play on. We’re both into sports.

  We started talking when we bumped into one another in the weight room after school one day. And we’ve been inseparable since.

  Josh’s brown hair is clipped close to his head, and his green-gray eyes are staring right at me. He moves closer to me, cupping my chin in his hand. He leans over and says, “So, you know I’m going to be leaving in a couple of weeks for the whole summer.”

  “Yes, don’t remind me,” I say. Josh got into some trouble with his parents, and they’re shipping him off to some outward-bound camp or something. Apparently, he took their car without asking and went to a party. I don’t know all the details, but I don’t ask.

  My parents are already kind of hesitant about me dating an older guy, so I figure the less I know about what he did, the better. Then I can tell my parents I didn’t know about it and not be lying.

  “I want to be with you before I leave.” Josh’s lips touch mine.

  His tongue slips into my mouth as he kisses me, while his fingers tug at the edge of my shirt. My heart hammers in my chest and I pull back, breathless. I’m not sure I’m ready for this next step. But if we don’t do it, will he still like me? I’ve been putting him off now for the last couple of weeks. Prom night, I’d turned him down flat, which I think pissed him off. So now, I kind of feel like I need to make it up to him. But how? I could give him a blow-job, but I have no idea how to do it, it’s not like boyfriends come with instruction manuals on what they like. Besides, I’m not sure I want to do that.

  “Josh,” I whisper his name, running my fingers through his hair. “Y-your parents will be home anytime. I-I don’t want to get caught doing anything.” I hope my excuse doesn’t sound lame. Truth is, I know I’m not ready. I just turned fifteen. Sure, half the girls in my grade have already lost their virginity. Some before we even got to high school. But I’d rather wait.

  Josh sits back and stares at me. “Well, we could go to the park. There are a lot of paths people don’t use. I just want to be with you so bad, Ellie. I love you and can’t imagine a whole summer without seeing you. Please? Will you let me be with you?”

  Just then the door opens upstairs, and Josh’s mom hollers down. “Josh, are you here?”

  He scoots farther away. “Yeah, me and Ellie are watching TV.”

  The sound of footsteps echoes on the stairs as Mrs. Kalper comes down. She glances over us as if checking to make sure all of our clothes are on.

  She smiles at me. “Hi, Ellie.”

  “Hi.” I wave.

  “Are you staying for dinner?”

  I glance at Josh, who stands up. “No probably not. We were going to head to the park to go running, then I’m going to bring her home after that.”

  “Okay. Well don’t be too late. It’s a school night,” Mrs. Kalper says.

  Josh grabs my hand and tugs me upstairs and outside. We walk to the sidewalk, and he stops, turns toward me, and touches my face. “So, do you have an answer for me?”

  I swallow hard as I stare at him. I see the want in his eyes. The expectancy. If I keep
turning him down, I know he’ll breakup with me. Damn. I wet my lips and smile. “Yes. I-I want to be with you to. But I’ve never been with someone before. I’m really nervous.”

  He grins. “I know. Don’t worry; I’ll guide you through it.”

  The warm breeze caresses my face as we head in the direction of the park. I suddenly feel nervous. My legs quake beneath me, my hands are getting sweaty and shaky. Maybe this isn’t such a good idea. The scent of freshly mowed grass tickles my nose. I notice the most normal things around me, even though I’m about to take a huge step and do something very un-Ellie-like.

  When we get to the park, Josh leads me toward a path into the trees. We follow a trail for a minute, then veer off from it and into a thick covering of bushes. Once we’re hidden in the shrubs, Josh strips his shirt off and lays it on the ground. He sits down, then pulls me down next to him. He hovers over me, until his mouth covers mine. His hand slips beneath my t-shirt, and he squeezes my boob. It kind of hurts. It’s like he thinks squishing my tits is a turn on. But he couldn’t be more wrong.

  He’s all hands and mouth. And not in a good way.

  His lips trace over my neck, to my ear and all I can hear is his heavy breath. My gaze flitters around; trying to make sure no one is coming down the path. Josh shifts, and he tells me again how much he loves me.

  “I’ve wanted you for so long,” he says. He undoes the button on his shorts then fumbles to pull them down giving me a good view of his plaid boxers.

  “Do you have protection,” I blurt out. My nerves are frayed. Panic is settling in, and I’m not sure I can go through with this. A twig snaps behind us, and I sit up, glancing around. If I’m caught like this, my parents will ground me for the rest of my life. “Did you hear that?”

  Josh takes his wallet out of the back pocket of his shorts and grabs out a condom. He tears the wrapper open with his teeth. “It was just a squirrel. Relax. No one ever comes back here. Lay back down.”