The D.B. List

by Rebekah L. Purdy

  Rhett chuckles. “I wish my whole body was somewhere else.” He takes a bite of his burger, then nods to the table across from us. “Cameron’s missing and Hannah looks about ready to lose it.”

  As if on cue, Hannah stands up, screaming and throwing her plate. “I won’t eat again. I don’t want this food. You took Cameron from me. She was the only person who understood. You fucking losers don’t understand.”

  Three people in white coats rush toward her, but she hops on top of the table, kicking at them.

  “Geez, and they wonder why they got separated,” I mutter under my breath.

  “No shit. Those two are one step away from killing their parents or something.”

  PJ shrinks back. “They kill people? People like me?”

  “No. Not you PJ. Everyone likes you.” My head cocks to the side, hoping PJ doesn’t join the freak out already in progress.

  “No, they don’t, remember the boy? Michael, he wants to rip me apart like a toy.”

  “He doesn’t count because he’s an asshole.”

  Rhett slides his chair back from the table. “I agree. Besides, I’ll protect you and Ellie, okay? So you don’t have to worry.”

  PJ smiles at him. “Well, I’m already protecting my Ellie friend, I told her I wouldn’t let anyone hurt her again.”

  Those simple words hit something in me. PJ, of course, has read parts from my journals; she knows the things I’ve written in them. She knows about Josh and about my parents and all the other jerkoffs. Well, except for Haydon. But it melts me to know she cares enough to want to keep me safe, even though she’s in a worse state than I am.

  A dark-haired kid walks behind our table and stops. He stares at Rhett for a second. The next thing I know, he lunges for Rhett, trying to bite his neck.

  “What the fuck, man?” Rhett hollers.

  PJ leaps to her feet with her fork and spoon. “It’s a vampire.” She makes a cross with them, and the kid staggers back and falls to the floor like he’s dying.

  I grab Rhett’s arm as we watch him flop around. Two more nurses rush over, trying to get the kid off the floor.

  “He’s a vampire,” PJ says again.

  The nurse shakes her head. “No, honey, it’s just a boy.”

  “No, he tried to bite Rhett, and when I used a cross symbol, he almost died.” PJ holds up her plastic utensils and the boy shrieks again. “See?”

  “Okay. Mary, why don’t you take Andrew to his room. PJ, Doctor Angel wants to see you for a minute.” She gestures to PJ to follow her.

  “Okay.” She shrugs and makes her way through the cafeteria with the nurse, still holding her cross up as if to ward off any other attacks.

  “Damn, this place gets fucking crazier every day.” Rhett and I move toward the door to the hallway.

  “Tell me about. I’m not sure what’s scarier, the patients in here, or the assholes out there.” I point toward the window. “Although, if worse comes to worse, I think you’d make a great Van Helsing.”

  He snorts. “Hey, I wasn’t the one with the cross.” He watches me for a second then says, “So, did you want to meet me on the couch by the main window in a few minutes?” Rhett shoves his hands in his pockets.

  “Sure. Hopefully, it’s not taken.”

  “Why don’t you go save us a spot.” Rhett hurries toward the wing with our rooms in it.

  I wander to the couch, thankfully finding it empty. With a sigh, I fall back onto the cushions and watch the clouds drift across the sky. At least here, it’s easier to pretend I’m normal—away from the screaming Hannah, and Vampire Boy, and intense Michael. But I’m psychotic in my own way, or I wouldn’t be here.

  Rhett reappears holding a small sketchbook and some crayons. He sits down at the other end of the couch. “Would you mind if I drew you?”

  “Sure. Do I need to pose or something?” I shift my legs under me. No one has ever asked me to pose for them before. I’m kind of flattered.

  “No. You can keep looking out the window of you want.” Rhett works quickly.

  I’m tempted to peek, to watch him at work. But instead, I continue to stare at the grounds below. The flower boxes that are situated around benches and along paths. The fence that holds us prisoner here. Beyond that, the real world.

  When Rhett finishes it, he holds it out for me to see. I swallow hard. It’s perfect. He’s drawn me in varying shades of blue, with a faraway look in my eye. Aunt Mamie always tells me I have a dreamer’s face. I never quite knew what she meant, until now.

  “Wow, this is so good.” My gaze meets his. “Sometime you’ll have to pose for me too.” Already, I can see him in my mind, sketched in charcoals. As I study him, I notice it. A spark of light. He might not see it himself, but I do.

  And I plan to fan the flame as much as I can for him. He needs to get out of the shadows as much as I do.

  Sitting across from him, I know I’m ready to start facing my worst demon. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to do it all in one sitting. I’m brave, but I’m not sure if I’m strong enough. However, to get rid of the darkness, I have to pull back the curtain and let the light in. I have to be ready to do battle with nightmares and memories I’d rather forget.

  “You okay?” Rhett asks.

  I smile. “I will be.”

  “Yeah, you will be.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  D.B. List Number 4: Haydon Barber

  PJ isn’t back yet, so I take out my D.B. List notebook. I decide I better start before I change my mind. My fingers tremble as I hold tight to my crayon like it’s a sword and I can slash away any nightmares that come my way.

  God, where to begin with Haydon Barber. Before I knew what I do now, I’d thought he was cute in a nerdy way. I remember him being into martial arts and video production stuff. Sophomore me was still trying to get over what’d happened with Josh freshman year. The reputation I’d gotten from him. Most of my lunches I spent alone reading because Shannon had a different lunch period than me. Sometimes people would mess with me, take my book, kick at my feet trying to get my attention—that sort of thing.

  Shit, I hate this, I don’t want to think about any of it, but if I don’t deal with Haydon, I won’t ever truly be free. So, I force myself to write his name on paper. My stomach knots as I recall the first time he talked to me—but looking back now, I realize he knew I was exactly the type of girl he was searching for. Someone with a low self-esteem, someone he could manipulate and control. If only I’d seen him for what he was then.

  I sit in the hall outside the cafeteria, my back pressed against the wall. My shoulders hunch as I make myself as small as possible, hoping no one will notice me today. I hold my book in front of my face.

  “Hey, what’s your name?” a masculine voice calls out.

  It takes me a moment to realize they’re talking to me. I glance up. “Me?”

  A pair of brown eyes stares back at me, eyes that remind me of hot cocoa and coffee, everything warm and inviting. A slow smile spreads across his lips. He adjusts his nerdy glasses, which he’s wearing more for style.

  “Ellie,” I say.

  “Hi, I’m Haydon. I saw you sitting here alone and wondered if could sit with you?” He gestures to the floor.

  I don’t answer, but instead scoot over to make room. He’s an upperclassman for sure. I wonder if he’s heard about me from Josh. Is that why he’s here? Does he think I’ll put out for him too? I clutch my arms across my chest, tugging my book closer.

  He slides to the floor. He leans over and examines the cover. “Is it any good?”

  “I-yeah. It is.”

  “I’ve seen you sitting here a few times and have wanted to come talk to you. Maybe we can hang out, you know have lunch together.”

  “Sure.” I push my hair from my face and glance at him.

  And that was the start of it. So simple. Just a regular meeting. We spent a lot of time together outside the lunchroom. Talking. Laughing. And later, me crying.

  I take
a deep breath. This is so hard for me. Already, the panic swells in my chest when I think about the night after I fought with my parents. How Haydon messaged me from his phone. Tears stream down my cheeks as I continue.

  My door slams shut behind me as I throw myself on my bed. Mom and Dad don’t understand anything. God. I’m so sick of trying to be perfect. Today I’d gotten a B on my test in Chemistry—and Mom freaked out.

  My phone buzzes and I pick it up to find a message from Haydon. Lately, he’s the only one who knows what I’m going through. The darkness that’s building inside.

  Are you okay?

  I don’t know anymore, I answer. I tell him about the fight, and he consoles me.

  You know what makes me feel better? He asks.

  No, what?

  He sends me a pic of his arm, where there are several marks.

  At first, I’m appalled. Oh, God. Are you okay?

  I’m fine. The pain feels good. I cut because it helps me deal with stuff. You should try it.

  What do you use? I’m not a big fan of pain, but maybe this will be different.

  A blade, or sometimes pieces of glass, anything I can get my hands on.

  For a moment, I hesitate. But the need to forget everything drives me forward. I set the phone down and go to my bathroom. Fumbling through my medicine cabinet, I find my razor. I snap the plastic on the edge of the counter until I get one of the blades loose.

  Okay. I’m back.

  Good. All you do is cut. Don’t push too deep. Take a picture when you’re done.

  My fingers shake as I hold the blade to my skin. I press down, let it slice me. It hurts, yet it feels good at the same time. When I finish, I take a pic and send it over to him.

  That was just the beginning. Haydon introduced me to cutting, helping me to dip my toes deeper into the river of darkness. The notebook falls from my hands, and I tug absently at my shirt sleeves. I can’t write anymore now. Just thinking about that first cut makes me sick to my stomach.

  I’m not sure if I’d have even started if it weren’t for him. His suggestion. But he did that throughout the whole relationship. Made suggestions. Bullied me. Made me do what he wanted. If I didn’t do what he said, I’d pay.

  Upset, I leap to my feet and head out of my room. I need to walk or move or run—to leave the memory alone. This is harder than I thought.

  When I’m in the hall, relief floods me. I search out Rhett and find him in the commons watching TV. He looks up when he sees me and pats the couch next to him.

  “You okay?”

  “Mostly.”

  “Do you want to talk?” He tosses a pillow to me.

  “Not yet. But soon,” I say.

  He nods as if he knows exactly what I’m going through. That’s what I like about Rhett; he doesn’t push things. If I want to talk, I talk, if I want to draw, I draw…the two of us are content just sitting, listening, watching … being close to one another, without having to say anything.

  I’m glad I’m out here because I don’t want my last moments of the night to end with Haydon Barber, not if I plan on getting any sleep.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  The Happy Rainbow Farting Unicorn List Number 6: Rhett

  For the last week, Rhett and I have been meeting up more. Sometimes we sit and draw, other times we talk. We are a lot alike. The more we share, the less stress I feel. Like I’m not so alone in this journey. He’s going in my happy notebook.

  I draw his name at the top and do a squiggle design around it. Here’s to Rhett, who’s been a light here at the Institute.

  The first time I see Rhett in group, I connect with him. When I look at him with his dark hair and tattoos, it kind of scares me. But then, he makes me laugh. He’s as cynical as me and totally funny. Best of all, he gets me. Not like the Joshes and Haydons of the world.

  Rhett has been through many of the same things I have. However, it’s his love for art and just being true to himself that captures my attention. He sees this gray world we live in color.

  We sit together in the hallway, staring out at the trees below. I doubt anyone else notices the things we do. Like the way the branches bend beneath the wind, or the bird perches on a branch.

  If I close my eyes, I’m certain I could hear them singing.

  “So, we should definitely apply to the art school in Grand Rapids,” Rhett says, using his crayon to shade in the stain-glassed window he’s drawing.

  I chuckle. “Yes, I know. Ky’s been telling me the same thing.”

  “And are you finally considering it?” Rhett quirks his eyebrow.

  My teeth graze my bottom lip. “Yes. I’ll hate myself if I don’t take the chance. Besides, I can’t let you go there all alone, now can I?”

  “Nope.” He finishes his picture of the church and sets it on the couch between us. “We encourage each other. I mean, what would I do if I didn’t have you there urging me to draw every day?”

  My foot taps his leg. “You’d be just fine.”

  He smiles. “Probably, but I like having you around.”

  And I like having him around. Ever since meeting him and Ky, I’ve been more into my art again. Losing myself in beauty instead of bleakness. This is my outlet. Art. I don’t want to lose it again. I won’t lose it again.

  Rhett doesn’t know it, but he’s helped me overcome so much. Maybe my being at the institute is no mistake. Maybe this is where I need to be. For now. Helping me. Helping Rhett and PJ. Getting better and getting back to my happy place.

  With another page written, I set my notebook down. There are more happy thoughts than bad ones now. But I know there are still more monsters to battle. And I’ll have to fight them again soon.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Since Michael is once again at my checkers’ table, I head over to the wooden blocks. He glares, and I glare right back at him. I won’t let him know how much he bothers me. That I know he’s trying to manipulate and scare me. I hope he gets bored with me soon. My hand wraps around the back of the chair, and I pull it out and sit down.

  On cue, Ky saunters in. His eyes twinkle when he sees me, making me smile.

  “Hey,” I say.

  “Hi. It feels like forever since I last saw you.” He drops down in the chair next to mine.

  “Same. So what’ve you been up to?” I say.

  His grin widens. “I went to visit Grand Valley State University.”

  “Seriously? Your parents let you go?”

  He runs a hand through his hair. “Not exactly. I kind of went on my own.”

  “That’s awesome … so, what’d you think?”

  “The campus was awesome, and I really think it’s where I want to go.”

  “I’m so happy for you. I know it was hard to take that leap, but you’ve got to do what you dream about.”

  He takes a baggie from his shirt pocket. Inside is a macadamia nut cookie. “Well, I never would’ve had the courage to do it, if it wasn’t for you.” He watches me then clears his throat. “I’m glad I met you, Ellie. You’re opening me up to so many news things. Things I would’ve never thought I could do. It’s like you see the world so differently.”

  “I try,” I tease. “But I honestly didn’t do anything other than encourage you.”

  “That’s all I needed. Someone to believe in me,” Ky says. “I can’t wait until you get out so we can do real things together, like take walks or go to a movie and not be limited to a few minutes of conversation.”

  “Hopefully that’ll be sooner rather than later,” I say. Warmth flows through me like molten lava. “Do you think maybe I could have your number for when I am out, just in case we don’t get a chance to talk before I leave?”

  “Sure. Do you have something to write with?”

  I pull out a crayon, then slip my happy notebook toward him. He turns to the back of it and writes it down. Once he finishes, I tear a page out and jot mine down too. Even though I won’t have access to my phone for a while, I’m glad I have it. Because if
I get out before I see him again, not that I think that’ll happen, I want to make sure I don’t lose touch with him.

  After a few more minutes, Ky stands to go. “So, I’ll see you soon?”

  I smile. “Yeah, soon.”

  As he walks away, I feel a renewed kind of courage to face my worst thoughts. Tonight, I will do battle with more of Haydon’s memories. I can only handle them in small doses. But that’s okay. Baby steps are better than no steps.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  D.B. List Number 5: Haydon Barber

  PJ is asleep already, so I tug out my D.B. List again. There are so many things now I see about Haydon that I hadn’t before. Like how much he isolated me from my friends. How he’d build me up, just to tear me down again. He had complete control over me. I never want to put myself in that place again.

  Haydon waits in the school lobby for me. He frowns when he sees me walking with my friend Matt, and quickly joins us.

  “Ellie, I need to talk to you.” He grabs hold of my arm, fingers digging into my skin as he jerks me off to the side.

  “Ow. That hurts.” I attempt to pull away, but he grips tighter.

  “Who’s that guy?” he demands.

  “A friend.”

  His eyes narrow and he leans in closer until he’s in my face. “He better be.”

  “He is, just settle down.” My legs quiver.

  Once we’re down the hall a ways, he releases me. “I waited for you because I thought you might want to know that I overheard people talking about you today. They were calling you a slut—saying you’ve been sleeping around. Even Shannon was saying it.”

  My heart hammers in my ears. I glance around. Why did people keeping saying things like this? I’d only ever been with Josh. And why’s Shannon saying it? She’s supposed to be one of my best friends. We’ve been through everything together.

  “Shh … it’s okay; you don’t need any of them. You’ve got me. I won’t let anyone hurt you …” He embraces me. “We’ve got each other Ellie, we always will. No one will keep us apart.”