The D.B. List

by Rebekah L. Purdy

  Although I’m happy to leave, a part of me is still sad. There are lots of memories attached here. Most of them are bad, but there are some good ones too. Sharing a room with PJ. Meeting Ky, Ky the Cookie Guy for the first time. Going to group with Rhett. Doc Angel and her journaling homework. Even the D.B. List.

  Yes, it’s full of unhappy thoughts, but if Angel hadn’t forced me to relive them and fight them, I’m not sure I’d have overcome them. Yes, there are tons of douche bags in my past, people and events I wish I could take away; yet, they’re a part of me now. They’ve shaped me into who I’ve become. And I’m stronger for it.

  My hand grazes the cover of The D.B. List, and I slip it into my backpack, along with my happy thoughts one. Once I’m all packed, I walk down to the cafeteria, where Rhett is waiting for me. He already has our plates; both filled with pizza, green beans, peaches, and a cookie.

  “You finished?” he asks.

  “Yeah. You?”

  “Yep. So, what are you most looking forward to?” He takes a bite of pizza, then chugs his carton of chocolate milk.

  “Being able to work on my art whenever I want, and maybe hanging out with you in more of a normal setting.” I nudge his arm with mine.

  He chuckles. “What? I thought you loved doing group sessions with me. They were so informative. Shit, I bet you’ll buy a fuzzy wand when you get home just to keep the memory alive.”

  I roll my eyes. “Smart ass.”

  “You know it. But seriously, I think I’m looking forward to the same. Being able to stay up and go to bed when I want. To eat something other than this.” He gestures to his plate. “And to get to know you better outside of the loony-bin.”

  “To freedom.” I raise my chocolate milk.

  He taps his container against mine. “To freedom and friendship.”

  “Before we go for the night, I wanted to give you this.” I push a piece of paper with my number on it across the table to him. “In case we don’t get time to catch up with one another tomorrow.”

  He reaches into his pocket and takes out a similar slip of paper. “Great minds think alike.” He shows me he’s written his cell down for me too.

  “I’ll be in touch as soon as I get settled,” I say, standing to bring my plate up to the dirty dish counter.

  Before we part ways, we hug once more. In a strange way, I feel safe with Rhett. Like he truly gets me. For a while, I thought PJ and I were kindred spirits, but now I realize it’s Rhett and me. No matter where we go in life, we’ll be connected. Lovely Soul brought us together. But I won’t say goodbye because those are forever. And I will see him again.

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Angel leads me out to the parking lot. I take one last glance over my shoulder at Lovely Soul Institute. Sun glimmers off the windows making it look like the building is winking at me. When we reach the parking lot, I see Aunt Mamie standing beside her jeep.

  I squeal and rush to her. She scoops me up in her arms and hugs me tight. “Ellie, you ready to go home?”

  “Yes.” I nestle into her shoulder and cry. Not because I’m sad, but because I’m happy. So very happy.

  As I pull away, I turn to Angel and give her a hug too. “I’ll never forget you,” I say.

  “And I won’t forget you. Take care, Ellie. And if you remember nothing else from your time here, remember that you’re special and you’re strong. You can do anything you put your mind to.”

  I half expect her to raise her wand, but she just smiles instead. She helps me into the jeep. After my seatbelt is fastened, I turn and wave goodbye. As the vehicle leaves the gated lot, I watch the building until it disappears behind us. I’m going home. I’m finally going home.

  “So, I know the house is smaller than you’re used to, but I cleaned out the other loft, so we’ll both have our own,” Mamie says, steering us onto the highway. “And I’ve already set up a place in the studio for you to work too. My home is your home, and I want you to be comfortable.”

  “I can’t wait. It’ll be perfect.”

  Mamie glances at me. “I’m so glad to have you. We’ve got so much catching up to do.”

  I laugh. “Yeah, we do. Which reminds me.” I take my cell out of my backpack and plug the charger into Mamie’s vehicle. I text Shannon telling her I’m out and how sorry I am for everything.

  I’m not sure if she’ll answer. Within a couple of seconds, a message pops up.

  Shannon: Miss you. So glad to hear you’re out. We need to get together soon. And no worries, I’m not mad.

  I type back.

  Me: Once I’m settled into Mamie’s I’ll have you over.

  Shannon: K. Love you like a sis.

  We follow the coastline of Lake Michigan. In the distance, I watch the white caps forming and splashing into shore. Rolling in and out, following a rhythm only the earth knows.

  Soon we reach the road that leads to Mamie’s and then climb the steep driveway. When we get to the top of the hill, I sigh in contentment. I love this spot. From here, I can see everything. My heart pounds in my ears, like the sound of the surf. When we park in front of her house, I see my mom waiting on the small front deck.

  Cautiously I climb out of the vehicle. Mom’s wearing a pair of jeans and no makeup. Very un-mom-like. When she sees me, she smiles, but I notice the quiver of her lip.

  “Ellie,” she says.

  I stand, staring at her, but when she opens her arms, I go to her. She presses a kiss to my brow. “Oh, Ellie, I’m so sorry for everything. I promise I’ll try to be better. We all have things we need to work on. But I’m not going to push law school on you, or things you don’t want. It’s time you started living the life you want. For so long I only wanted the best for you, but I realized my idea of best, may not be the same as yours.”

  I grip tight to her. “That’s all I’ve ever wanted to hear,” I whisper. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.”

  There will be things we’ll have to work through, I’m sure, but it must’ve taken my mom a lot to be here waiting for me today. And I give her credit for that. Our relationship will take a while to heal, but after all I’ve been through, I know it’s possible.

  “I brought some clothes and things from your room at home. I thought you might want them.” Mom steps back, wiping her eyes.

  “Thank you.”

  Mom and Mamie help get my loft arranged. It looks good. A mixture of my old room, with some new flare. When everything is in place, we sit outside watching the sunset, one of the last of the summer. This time next week, I’ll be starting a new school, a new life for a new Ellie.

  After Mom leaves, and Aunt Mamie goes to bed, I go up into my loft and lay back staring at the sky through the moon roof. Millions of stars are twinkling above. I pick up my cell and message Rhett to tell him I’m all moved in. I type about Mom and Mamie and watching the sunset. God, I wish he was here. It’s weird not seeing him or being able to talk.

  Rhett’s text pops on the screen.

  Rhett: I miss you already. :(

  I laugh, then type:

  Me: Me too. :( :(

  Rhett: Sweet dreams, Ellie.

  Me: Sweet dreams, Rhett.

  Once I hit send, my fingers hover over Ky’s name on my contact list. But I’m scared. He hasn’t talked to me since PJ left Lovely Soul.

  What do you have to lose? I think.

  So, I begin to type:

  Me: I’m out now, just saying hi.

  I wait for several minutes. But there’s no answer. Not that I thought there would be. But I’d hoped.

  I set my phone aside and close my eyes, listening to the waves crashing outside. Maybe it’s for the best … his not answering I mean.

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  My phone buzzes beside me, waking me. Beams of sunlight splay across my comforter. I yawn, catching the scent of bacon wafting in the air. Aunt Mamie must be cooking …

  God, I can’t wait to dive into some real food. I reach for my phone, wondering who
’s messaging me so early.

  Ky.

  My heart quickens. He answered me. Excitement rolls through me as I sit up. I swipe my screen then frown.

  Ky: PJ died. Funeral 2morrow. Christ’s Holy Church in Grand Haven.

  A sob rakes through me. No. This isn’t supposed to be happening. PJ can’t be gone. I almost ask what happened, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Maybe not knowing is better.

  My throat constricts as I type.

  Me: So sorry. Prayers. Hugs.

  I rock back and forth, holding my phone to my chest. It isn’t fair. Why PJ?

  Crying, I text Rhett.

  Me: PJ passed away…I don’t know what happened, but she’s gone.

  Rhett: Ellie, I’m so sorry. Do you know when her funeral is?

  Me: Tomorrow. Do you think you could go with me?

  Rhett: Yes. Just give me directions to pick you up.

  Once we’ve decided about tomorrow, I make my way down the small staircase to the kitchen area. When Mamie sees me, she drops the spatula and rushes to me. “Ellie, what’s wrong?”

  “PJ died. Her brother messaged me this morning.”

  “Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. I know how much she meant to you.” Mamie rocks me in her arms, letting me cry. “When’s her funeral?”

  “Tomorrow. If it’s okay, Rhett was going to take me.”

  “Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

  I nod. “Yeah. But I need to be there … I need to say goodbye.”

  “As long as you’re ready to face this.”

  I don’t think anyone’s truly ready to say goodbye to someone, but I have to be there for PJ, the same way she’d been there for me at Lovely Soul.

  “I am.”

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Rhett and I stand in line as people walk passed the casket to say their last goodbyes. I’m kind of glad they did a closed casket as I don’t want to remember her this way. I want to think of the smiling PJ who used to skip down the hall singing rhymes to me. I cling tightly to the white rose in my hand and the small drawing of Guppy, the puppy I’d drawn her back at Lovely Soul Institute. As we come to the white box, her final resting place. I swallow hard.

  “Love you PJ,” I whisper and toss the rose and picture on top of the casket. Mr. and Mrs. Laramie see me and come to stand next to me. Mrs. Laramie opens her arms to me, so different than the last time we saw one another.

  “Thank you for being such a good friend to Penny Jean. She loved you a lot, Ellie. You were her light.” Mrs. Laramie tears up, and I pull back, trying not to cry.

  Mr. Laramie pats my shoulder. Then I see Ky. He shakes my hand. His eyes are rimmed in red. He stares at me then whispers, “She protected you, now she’s dead.”

  I don’t know if he’s stating a fact or blaming me. Either way, I know he’s dismissing me from his life. I want to apologize or say something to comfort him, but there are no words that will bring PJ back. Either way, I wish him well, I hope his life is filled with laughter and happiness and light. That he’ll never know the dark places PJ and I did.

  Rhett puts his hand on my waist and urges me away from the family. “It’s not your fault—don’t listen to him. He’s upset and wants to blame someone—sometimes it’s easier to be angry than to face reality.”

  I glance at Ky. His eyes widen, but he doesn’t defend himself. Instead, he lets us walk away. When we’re halfway across the cemetery, the tears fall. Rhett stops walking and hugs me to him. His fingers smooth my hair from my face.

  “Everything will be okay. You just have to get through today.”

  “It hurts so bad.”

  “I know, trust me, I know.” Rhett holds me long after the final cars have driven off. Long after, the casket has been lowered into the hole and covered with dirt. We’re the last ones left.

  When I finally stop crying, I peer up at him. “Thank you.”

  “You don’t have to thank me, Ellie. You’d have done the same for me.” He takes my hand and leads me between headstones and to his car. “Do you think your aunt would care if you came over to my house for a while?”

  “I don’t think so, but let me call her.” I dial Mamie’s number, and she picks up on the first ring. “Do you care if I hang out with Rhett for a little while? I think I might need some more time to deal with this.”

  “Take all the time you need, but message me before you leave so I don’t worry,” she says.

  “I will.” When I hang up, I put the phone back in my purse. “Mamie says it’s fine.”

  We climb into the four-door family sedan and drive out of town. Rhett takes the highway, and soon we’re in the country surrounded by trees. He maneuvers us down a dirt road, then to a long blacktop driveway. When we get to a clearing, a large log home looms in front of me. And behind it, the glistening waters of Lake Michigan.

  “Why don’t you take the stone path and go wait for me down on the dock. I’ll be right there.” Rhett points to the side of the house.

  I climb from the car and walk out back. There’s a large dock, with a boat tied off at the end of it. I step onto the wooden planks, the boards creaking beneath me. The breeze comes off the lake, tugging at my hair and whipping it into my face. Waves crash against the shore, splashing spray into the air.

  Rhett appears moments later carrying an easel and some art supplies. He sets it down on the dock, then says. “This should help.”

  I kick off my shoes and reach for the charcoals. He knows me so well. So, I stand on the dock drawing a charcoal portrait of PJ with angel wings. In my mind, I can hear her childlike voice.

  My eyes well.

  She’s free now. No one can hurt her again—no Michael. Not her dragon. Nothing.

  When I finish, Rhett takes the supplies from me and sets them on a built-in bench. “Let’s go for a swim.” He grabs my hand in his, and we run down the dock and jump into the lake, fully clothed. The water is shockingly cold. Somehow, though, it’s refreshing, almost cleansing. Like the waves and water are washing away all the pain and darkness.

  We bob next to one another, then Rhett swims farther out. I chase him to a sand bar where we both sit down and let the waves roll against us.

  “PJ loved you like a sister, Ellie. What she did that day at the Institute she did to protect you. But you have to know her mind was more twisted than ours. And sometimes people aren’t strong enough to come back from that—but we are. So please don’t let what that guy said get to you, okay?”

  “It’s just hard; I feel like I should’ve been protecting her, not the other way around. I mean, I was always stronger.”

  “We can’t fight everyone else’s battles, no matter how much we want to.” He puts an arm around me, and I rest my head on his shoulder.

  He’s right. Sometimes broken people can’t be put back together. Some things are beyond our control—and no matter how much we want to help, we can’t.

  PJ’s gone because she lost her battle. But I’m not ready to give up. I have my whole life ahead of me. I want to be better, not just to honor PJ’s memory, but for myself too.

  Rhett presses his lips to my temple. “We’ll be okay, El. We just need to keep fighting.”

  I smile. Only Grandpa called me that. Maybe it’s a sign or maybe not. “Here’s to new beginnings.” My fingers find his, and I hold tight to them.

  I don’t know that we truly ever get better. But each day is a new promise waiting to happen. The scars will always be with me—but so will all the happy memories. Tonight, I’ll write about Penny Jean Laramie in my happy notebook—her smile, her rhymes, her friendship, which helped me to heal. I will write her into all the bright places. Places I’ll visit often.

  Epilogue

  “So, what the heck is anti-prom?” Aunt Mamie asks as Rhett, rolls up the pant legs of his tux.

  “It’s our way of avoiding going to the school dance. Kind of like us giving the middle finger to lame high school dances,” I say. “Are you sure you don’t mind us hanging out down at the bea
ch tonight?”

  She smiles. “It’s fine.”

  “You ready?” I ask Rhett.

  He cleans up really well. As in, he’s freaking hot in a tux. His shaggy dark hair is partially tied back, his brown eyes are sparkling with humor. His tattoo peeks out from his collar, but I like it.

  His fingers catch mine. “Yeah. Let’s go check out this anti-prom you set up.”

  I laugh and drag him down the sand dunes at the front of Mamie’s house. There’s a narrow path through some trees; then we’re on the small deck overlooking the lake. The Christmas lights twinkle to life revealing the picnic table decorated in white and black.

  “So?”

  He takes a deep breath, staring at me. “It’s perfect. You’re perfect.”

  My long light blue dress drags in the sand, but I don’t care. “Do you want to dance?”

  He glances up at the stars in the sky, then back to me. “I’d love nothing more.”

  I reach over and turn on my phone, finding the playlist I made for tonight. When I click play, soft music filters through the night.

  Rhett wraps me in his arms and sways back and forth with me. The scent of his cologne is intoxicating.

  Butterflies flutter in my belly. Not the scared, nervous kind, but the happy, excited ones. And I know this is how I should feel with a guy. Happy. Excited. Safe.

  Rhett traces my cheek, until he cups my chin. “God, I’ve missed you.”

  I grin. “You just saw me two days ago.”

  “I know.” He leans down, and his lips brush against mine.

  My body melds into his, while electricity races through me. I feel as if I’m floating, high above the clouds, soaring …

  When he pulls back, I stare at him. Flaws. Beauty. Kindness. Strength. I see so much when I look at him. And I realize, I’m right where I want to be. Where I’m supposed to be.

  I turn back to the sky. “Hey PJ, if you’re listening, Rhett’s my boyfriend now. I promised to tell you if it happened. So, I’m keeping up my end of the bargain.”