Beautiful Goodbye

by Heather D'Agostino

  I sighed as I shook my head before moving over to take a seat beside him. “Here,” he handed me the breakfast sandwich before winking and going back to his.

  “You are something else, you know that?” I muttered.

  “I am kinda special, huh?” he smirked as he wiped at his mouth with a napkin.

  I shook my head as I laughed. “Don’t you ever work?” I picked up the sandwich and took a large bit. I was starving and as I chewed, I closed my eyes and savored it. “Mmmm,” I moaned. Ryan coughed from beside me, causing my eyes to fly open.

  “Is that what you sound like?” he coughed again before turning to face me.

  “Excuse me?” I blinked a few times.

  “When you’re enjoying something, is that what you sound like?” he leaned closer like he was going to kiss me, but stopped. He lifted his hand that wasn’t holding the sandwich, and brushed his thumb over my lower lip. “Crumb,” he mumbled as he licked the small morsel off his thumb. I swallowed as I watched him, my stomach flipping around as other parts of me tightened in anticipation. His tongue peeked out as it ran along his lower lip, causing me to groan internally. He snickered as he watched me. He knew exactly what he was doing.

  “I don’t know what you mean,” I shrugged as I started to turn away.

  “I think you do,” he placed his sandwich on the table before using both hands to cradle my face. “I think you know exactly what I’m talking about, and just so you know,” he swallowed thickly “I plan on getting you to make those sounds a lot in the future.”

  “You do huh?” I taunted.

  He leaned closer, his breath feathering across my cheeks before the words came out in a hiss, “The next time you make that sound,” he paused, his eyes darting down to my lips and then back up, “I’m going to be feeding you more than a damn sandwich.”

  Holy fuck this man is hotter than I thought. Where the hell did this come from? “Is that a promise?” I whispered.

  “Hell yeah, it’s a promise,” his forehead touched mine, and his eyes closed. I wasn’t sure if I should do this, but hearing those words, and still being wound up over him leaving me hanging the night before had my body and brain demanding something be done. He was repeatedly turning me into this needy woman that was ready to do anything to sate the need.

  In one motion I shoved at his shoulders, causing him to fall back against the couch cushions and I swung my leg over his lap. My robe parted as my knees dug into the cushions beside his hips. “Don’t tease me,” I growled as I leaned in and pressed my mouth to his. His hands flew to my waist before he pushed them under my robe, and cupped my ass. The panties I was wearing did little to hide how worked up I was, and when I leaned forward to press my breasts against him, he groaned.

  “Christ!” he hissed as I rocked my center over the bulge that was growing in his scrub pants. The scrubs were made of thin cotton, and did nothing to hide what he was packing.

  “How long can you stay,” I panted against his lips before sliding my hands up his chest, around his neck, and into his hair. I lowered myself onto him, pressing harder against his cock and I felt it twitch.

  “Rachel,” he gasped as he put his hands on my shoulders to hold me still. “Wait,” he panted.

  “What?” I froze partly embarrassed, partly confused as to why he was stopping me. I understood last night. We were outside, but now we were here in my place. There was no one to see us.

  “Slow down,” he continued to hold me in place as he attempted to slow his breathing. “We have plenty of time for this, I promise. It’s just,” he pinched his nose before looking up at me. “I want to take my time with you. I want to worship you. I want to know everything about you when I slide inside you. I want a connection with the woman inside not just a physical one, but an emotional one. It takes time to get that,” he paused before continuing. “Surely you can tell that I want you,” he motioned to his lap where his cock was pulsing against me as he took in my furrowed brows.

  “Where did you come from?” I whispered as I let my lips brush over his. “I didn’t know guys like you existed.”

  “I’m trying something new,” he murmured before clearing his throat and leaning back to look me in the eyes. “I never cared before… about women,” he grimaced. “I used them to forget the past, to try and bury it I guess. When I was younger I did it to be popular; cool. After the accident I did it to forget. I never really wanted more than a good time. I didn’t think I deserved it really. You’re different though. I want more with you, and I’m afraid if we go there too soon, I’m not going to get what I’m looking for.”

  My eyes softened as I watched him. I’d never really wanted more either, but like him I felt something different here. I couldn’t really put a name on it, and didn’t think I wanted to at the moment. I did know that he was special; we were special, and if I wanted to keep that feeling I needed to slow down. “Fine,” I sighed as I moved to climb off his lap.

  “I didn’t say you had to move,” he smirked as his hands slid from my shoulders, down my arms, and wrapped around my waist. “I kinda like you right here.”

  “You do huh?” I giggled as I braced my hands on his shoulders. “I gotta get ready for work,” I pouted “and it looks like you do too,” I motioned with one hand in front of him.

  “I do actually,” he sighed as his grip loosened, allowing me to slip back beside him. “I’m working a double today, and won’t be home until late. I stopped by this morning because I’m not sure when I’ll be able to come again. I don’t have a day off for six days.” His eyes closed for a moment as he took a deep breath. “My life can be chaotic at times. Sorry,” he pressed his lips together in a grimace before leaning forward to begin picking up the wrappers from our breakfast.

  “I can get that,” I reached out to stop him.

  “Nonsense,” he batted my hand away as he finished picking up the trash and rocked forward to stand. He glanced around before looking to me in request for the trashcan. I pointed him in the direction of the kitchen before standing to follow.

  “Have a good day,” I smiled as I walked him to the door. This felt so weird, but comforting. It was as if we’d been together for years, and were comfortable with each other. That new feeling you get with a relationship was there, but it wasn’t strange or awkward.

  “Same to you,” he smiled, showing off his perfect white teeth before leaning forward and giving me a quick peck on the lips. “I’ll call you later,” he mumbled before stepping back, and out the door. I stood there watching him as he jogged down the stairs to the ground level. He looked back one last time, and I waved, before he rushed over to his Jeep, climbed in, and drove away.

  Ryan

  After leaving Rachel’s place, I went straight to work. I was running late, but it was well worth it after having breakfast with my girl. I let my mind drift as I thought about it. Was she my girl? We hadn’t really talked about being exclusive, but with the way things were progressing, it sure seemed like we were heading in that direction.

  After clocking in, and going to our shift meeting, Jordan and I began checking in with our patients for the day. “You seem distracted,” she smiled as I came out of a room and almost crashed into her. “Is it the woman from the bar?” she smirked as she placed a clipboard back on the nurse’s station.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I shrugged as I checked off the medication I’d just pushed. I was distracted, but it wasn’t because of Rachel, well not totally anyway.

  “Fine,” she rolled her eyes. “Play dumb. I saw the way you stumbled over your own feet when you went to give her friend your number, and you’ve been walking around here like you won the lottery.”

  “So are you stalking me now?” I laughed as I shook my head at her. Jordan always was entertaining, but she was taking it to another level today.

  “I’m bored,” she shrugged. Bryce has been working opposite shifts from me and I don’t have anyone else to bug. You make a nice replacement,” she gi
ggled before grabbing a few charts, and heading toward the opposite end of the wing.

  “Glad I can be your entertainment,” I called after her. She lifted her hand in a wave without turning around before ducking into a room.

  The day went pretty smooth after that, and other than a minor emergency with one of our revolving patients, Jamie, it was an uneventful day. I decided before I left that I should stop by and see how he was doing. I tried not to get attached to the kids. They often had a tough road ahead of them, but this little boy had such a desire to fight that I wanted to cheer him on the entire way.

  “Hey buddy. How ya feelin’?” I leaned in the doorway of Jamie’s room. “Up for a little visit before I leave?”

  “Ryan,” he smiled as he pushed a few buttons on his bed. It began rising, and he coughed slightly before he tugged at the oxygen mask on his face.

  “You keep that there,” I pointed at him as I moved into the room. I grabbed the arm of the chair that was sitting in the corner, and pulled it closer to the bed. Jamie had been fighting leukemia for the last six months, and now he was battling a respiratory infection from the treatment. This poor kid couldn’t win. When he was discharged a month ago, we were hoping that he wouldn’t be back, but here he is and it doesn’t look as if he’ll be leaving any time soon. “You getting any rest?”

  “A little,” he smiled before pushing against the bed to try and sit up straighter. “Thanks for the games. I’ve almost beaten this one,” he showed me the screen of the hand-held video game he was holding.

  “That’s great buddy,” I smiled as I leaned closer. “You’re practically a master now huh?”

  “I’m getting there,” he shrugged. “Hey! I’ve got the Wii reserved for tomorrow. Can you come play with me a little?” his smile widened and even though I knew that I didn’t get a break, I couldn’t say no to him.

  “I have a full day tomorrow. No break, but maybe I could eat my lunch in here?” I looked around as if I wasn’t sure, and his excitement rose.

  “Really? That would be so cool,” his pale little face lit up and the dullness in his eyes lessened slightly. It hurt to know that he might never leave this place permanently, but the simple joy of spending time with me was undeniable.

  “I’ve got some things I need to do this afternoon, but you and I have plans for lunch tomorrow. K?” I reached over and squeezed his hand.

  “Yes,” he nodded vigorously as the tiredness he exuded mere moments ago melted away. “I have a breathing treatment in the morning, but Mom says I can get out of the bed tomorrow.” He shifted on the mattress I’m sure from body aches.

  “You better be ready for me,” I teased as I stood and walked toward the door.

  “I was born ready,” he crossed his arms over his chest. “You better be ready to lose.”

  I tossed my head back in laughter as I watched him. “See ya tomorrow J,” I waved as I stepped into the hallway and closed his door. I leaned against it for a moment and closed my eyes. I took a few deep breaths to calm myself before pushing off the wood, and making my way to the break room. It was quiet, and the lights were off, affording me some peace before I entered my own hell. I’d been dealing with more than anyone knew over the past three months, and while we all knew Jamie was battling for his life, no one knew that I was battling for mine too.

  Chapter 8

  Ryan

  I’d been using the excuse of work for so long that it rolled off my tongue naturally. No one knew where I went in the afternoons. No one knew that I wasn’t going home, or picking up an extra shift. My boss, Marla, knew about my situation but I’d asked her to keep it to herself. At first she pushed me to tell my friends. She was worried and she had a right to be, but I didn’t want anyone feeling sorry me. I already got the pity looks from everyone in town when they saw me. I was the guy who killed his brother. I didn’t need to add ‘the guy who was dying’ to my list of qualities.

  I spent most of the afternoon hooked up to machines nowadays. Three times a week at three hours stents, I hung out in the dialysis unit at the hospital. I always took the long way to get there, and the nurses and techs knew to put me in the back where I wouldn’t run the chance of seeing someone who knew me. Three months I’ve been doing this, and I was finally getting used to the way it made me feel. I silently wondered each time how the kids I treated got used to all the tests and treatments that were run on them. They were always so brave and never complained about the aches and the fatigue. Most afternoons it took all my strength just to get home. All I thought about was changing, and taking a nap. My body was slowly adjusting, but my mind had yet to process how severe the situation actually was.

  The last time I checked, I was looking at certain death without a transplant. The plus… there was a solution for me. Most of the kids I cared for didn’t have this chance. The negative… I was so far down on the list that it could be a year or more before I was even considered. At first that scared me. Could I do this that long? Could I come here and go through this routine? The answer was simple. Of course I could. Every time I looked at Jamie or another kid struggling, it made my determination that much more. If they could fight their diseases, then I could too.

  “We’re all set today Ryan,” Cassie, my nurse smiled as she began unhooking me. “You need to rest,” she placed her hand on my shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze. I’d come into the hospital early today, and worked right through lunch. I’d grabbed a granola bar and some juice to keep my sugar up, but I was exhausted.

  “I’m visiting Jamie this afternoon,” I yawned as I peered up at her. She scowled at me like a mother scolds her child.

  “You can’t run yourself ragged. Am I going to have to rat you out to Marla?”

  “We’re playing video games,” I rolled my eyes as I rubbed my arm where the IV had been inserted. As many times as I stuck patients, I still couldn’t get over the ache a catheter caused.

  “You’re not doing yourself any favors by pushing your body like this,” she wagged her finger at me. “Promise me you’re going to take at easy.”

  “Yes Ma’am,” I saluted her and chuckled. I knew she was just looking out for me. Hell, I did the same thing for my patients, but I wasn’t an invalid. I wanted to be as normal as possible while I dealt with this, and other than my time here, I seemed to be succeeding pretty well. Rachel helped with that, and I cringed slightly as I thought about how I needed to tell her about this part of me. After hearing about her past and seeing the pain in her eyes when she opened up to me, I don’t think I can tell her that I might die. I don’t want her to run, and I don’t want her to start looking at me differently. I want things to build naturally, and if we turn into something, I want to know that it wasn’t because I’m sick.

  When I got down to Jamie’s room, the door was cracked. No light was streaming out like it usually did, and the quiet was a little eerie. “Knock, knock,” I called as I slowly pushed the door open, and stuck my head in. Jamie’s mom was curled in the recliner in the corner and she stretched and yawned when she saw me.

  “It’s been a rough day,” she whispered as she slowly stood, and began shuffling in my direction. I glanced at the bed where his tiny frame was curled on its side. Tubes were laced through the blankets in so many places I wondered how he could possibly be comfortable.

  “What happened?” I ran my hand through my hair and sighed. “He seemed to be doing so much better yesterday.”

  “They’re trying a new chemo. It’s more aggressive, and I think today’s treatment just really took a lot out of him,” she wrapped her arms around her torso and shook her head sadly.

  “Now I wish I’d been on this end of the floor today,” I cursed under my breath. I rotated between the east wing and the west wing. Jamie was on the east, and today my patients were all on the west.

  “Knowing you were coming today is the only reason I got him to sleep. Your visits are the highlight of his day,” she smiled before looking back at her son.

  “Why don’t
you go get something to eat? Take a walk? I’ll stay here,” I motioned to the chair. “I’m off for the day.”

  “Thanks Ryan,” she squeezed my arm before stepping around me and slipping from the room.

  “No worries Mrs. T,” I smiled before moving over to take up residence where she’s been sitting. Jamie mumbled something in his sleep before he shifted and began blinking his eyes.

  “Ryan?” his voice was hoarse as he pushed at the blankets on his bed, and fumbled with the remote control. “You came.”

  “Of course I came. I said I would. I have to kick your butt in Mario Kart,” I smiled and he smiled back as he pushed the buttons to raise the bed. “Not a good day today, huh?” I rested my forearms on my thighs.

  “New treatment,” he sighed as he stared out the window. “Can you open the blinds? I wanna see the sun,” he lifted the ball cap that was sitting on the edge of the bed, and placed it on his head. His lips spread into small smile as I tugged at the blinds. It amazed me every time I hung out with any of these kids. They were part of the reason that I kept going every day. Sure I’d been given a raw deal, but theirs was even worse. How kids could stay positive when they were going through this was baffling.

  “We can play another day,” I suggested. I didn’t want Jamie wearing himself down, and I was feeling the effects of my treatment too.

  “Nuh uh,” he shook his head as he pushed the call button on his bed. “I’m kicking your butt, and Jordan says she’s gonna watch,” he grinned.

  “Oh she is, is she,” I chuckled just as the door to the room swung open, and Jordan walked in pushing a cart with all the game stuff piled on top.

  “Yes she is,” she giggled as she nodded. “Let me get you set up here and the butt kicking can begin,” she smirked at me as she went to work setting everything up.