Mother's Love

by Kirsty Dallas

  “She’s visiting her family in LA,” Sam said a little gruffly.

  Both Jax and I watched him thoughtfully.

  “Trouble in paradise?” Jax asked.

  “Nothing I can’t handle,” Sam said a little defensively.

  Jax raised his hands in a peaceful gesture. “No offense, Mr. Tech, I was just going to suggest the use of Braiden’s guest house. I hear he has restraints in there.”

  I picked up the squishy stress ball Alice had bought for me and threw it, hitting Jax right in the forehead. Jax barely acknowledged it had hit him.

  Sam smiled. “What makes you think I don’t have my own restraints upstairs?”

  “Has everyone except me developed a BDSM kink?” Jax exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air.

  “I’ve got handcuffs, but I’ve never used them on a woman,” I mumbled, my eyes dropping to the printed out email before me. It was from my lawyer. I immediately tuned out Jax and Sam as they continued to argue over the evolution of BDSM. Trevor had confirmed my suspicions; Phillip was within his rights to see Eli in a supervised setting, but he was confident he could negotiate my presence for the meeting. It was going to break Annie’s heart and go against her protective nature, but she needed to allow Eli to see his father.

  Chapter 3

  Annie

  I couldn’t stop moving; the moment I sat down, my thoughts began to compile, my fear threatened to swamp me, and I would turn into a panic-ridden mess. I needed to pace, and I knew it was upsetting Eli, but I just couldn’t sit still.

  We were at Braiden’s house where Dillon lived, Eli currently sprawled on the couch, his latest superhero figurines locked in a fierce battle in his hands. The house was eerily silent as Dillon packed his suitcase. Only a few months ago the house had been filled to capacity as Gabbie and Bomber, employees of Montgomery Securities, were living here along with Braiden, Em, and Dillon. Now, Gabbie was away on assignment, Bomber had moved in with another member of the security team, and Braiden and Em were overseas for three more weeks. The house seemed to echo miserably with silence.

  “Do you want to make up some sandwiches or shall we stop for takeout?” Dillon asked as he appeared from the hallway, a suitcase in his hand. I stopped and stared, taking in his casual appearance of jeans and a t-shirt. It was so unusual to see Dillon wearing anything but the adopted uniform of his company. The familiar black cargo pants and black button up shirts were a lustfully lethal combination, but seeing him in mouth-watering blue denim and a navy shirt was a pleasant shock. My gaze rested on his face, taking in his satisfied smile. With a blush I felt all the way to my toes, I quickly looked away.

  “Wh . . . what did you say?” I stammered.

  “Sandwiches or takeout?”

  “Takeout!” Eli called from the couch.

  Dillon arched a brow my way, and I shrugged. My head was too foggy with lust and worry to make such decisions.

  “Takeout it is,” Dillon confirmed. “Help me pack the car, Eli?”

  Eli ditched his superheroes and ran to the adjoining garage where Dillon’s fully restored 1969 Chevrolet Chevelle sat in all its flawless glory waiting for us. Its V8 engine wasn’t the only thing that reminded me of a thunder storm, but the metallic dark grey paint that was never anything less than pristine immediately turned my thoughts to heavy storm clouds. Ironically I loved storms, the deep rolling thunder and heavy rain bringing me some warped sense of solace. I loved Dillon’s car, and the way Eli scrambled into the back of it, I knew he did, too. Sliding into the smooth, cool leather, I cast a smile to Eli over my shoulder as Dillon helped buckle him in.

  Before I knew it, we had backed away from Braiden’s home, the garage door sliding shut. The deep growl of the Chevy’s engine purred like a finely tuned instrument, and I settled into the seat, the warm wind slipping through my open window and whipping my hair into a wild frenzy. Eli laughed and chatted incessantly. Dillon smiled, answering his questions with a timeless patience, and for a split moment, I could allow myself the illusion that this was normal, that my life was simple and the man beside me was the protective husband I wished I had. For a moment, I could pretend this was our vacation and that Eli and I were safe. The moment ended under the fear of returning to the home that hadn’t offered me safety and the husband who hadn’t protected me. Eli was nervous about seeing his father, the manic rage the night he had come to Claymont for him still sharp in his memory. The nightmares might have disappeared a year or more ago, but Eli’s recollection of his father remained, like a scar on his heart, healed, but not forgotten.

  A calloused hand on top of mine dragged my thoughts back to the present. I cast Dillon a smile. It wasn’t a real smile, but a shadow of the happiness I had been feeling before the letter from Phillip’s lawyer arrived just a few weeks ago. He didn’t say anything, instead giving me a short, sharp nod with determined eyes. He was telling me it was going to be okay, and the resolve behind such a simple action made me believe it would be. Dillon’s presence in my life had become more prevalent over the last few weeks. Rebecca and Ella had whispered rumors that he had broken up with Melinda, and his renewed attentiveness had me equally curious and confused. I could have been mistaking his attention for more than it was; he was a friend after all. All conversations had remained ‘safe’ and on every day topics like work, Eli’s school, and the upcoming visit with Phillip. Between the two of us, we had done our best to ease Eli’s fears of seeing his father; the fact Dillon would be present for the meeting had turned Eli’s staunch no into a reluctant okay.

  There were no touches between Dillon and me that could have been mistaken for something more; not until now, when he had grasped my hand and stared at me with such silent strength and conviction. I was probably reading too much into it. Dillon’s touch had always been careful, one of a friend; now however, as his calloused hand held mine, I felt the lines of friendship blur, and the flip of my heart reminded me how much I truly desired this man. While there were so many reasons I shouldn’t get involved with Dillon, I couldn’t deny my attraction to him. He made me feel like a desirable woman rather than a tired, single mother.

  I rested my head back and closed my eyes; we had several hours of driving ahead of us. We could have taken a flight and been there in a couple of hours, but I needed the stretch of asphalt and a slow pull towards my former home, and the source of my nightmares, to give me time to mentally prepare for Eli’s visit with his father. Dillon’s lawyer had fought the court order right up until two days ago. Until that moment, I had believed we could avoid this. I assumed I could continue to keep Eli safe. Now, I had to send my baby into the lion’s den. Putting Eli in danger like that went against everything I believed in. In the recesses of my mind, I knew no harm would come to Eli during the supervised visit, especially with Dillon in the room, yet the fear that had been carefully cultivated during my marriage to Phillip was once again a strong presence in my heart. No matter how impenetrable the mask of courage I wore, the fear inside was a living thing threatening to erode my outward composure—the nervous jump of my knee, the sick feeling in my stomach, and the rapid, painful beat of my heart. It had been a long time since I had felt the fear that coated me like sludge. I drew back a long, deep breath, imagined drawing all that negative emotion into a tight ball in my chest, then I blew it away. I wish I could say it made me feel better, but the truth was the anxiety was still there even if I had managed to keep myself composed for another moment. Nevertheless, even with disquiet thrumming through my veins, the low growl of the V8 engine and the easy chatter between Dillon and Eli lulled me into a quiet sleep.

  *

  Something was tickling my nose, the continual irritating sensation dragging me from the dark void. I scrunched up my nose and brushed the annoyance away, allowing myself to fall back into the darkness. Again something brushed around my nose and this time I was pulled into full wakefulness. It took me a moment to orientate myself. I was in Dillon’s car, Dillon’s parked car. I glanced to my side to see
the mischievous glint in that very man’s eyes.

  “Can I go now?” demanded Eli from where he sat, bouncing on the backseat.

  “Sure. You’ve got ten minutes, then you need to eat your lunch.” Lunch? It felt like I had only been asleep a few minutes.

  “How long did I sleep?” I asked, feeling the crick in my neck as I sat up a little straighter. We were parked in front of an empty playground.

  “Four hours. I grabbed sandwiches. Eli was getting ready to burst out of his skin, so I figured we should stop for something to eat and let him run off some of that pent up energy.”

  Eli was already climbing over the jungle gym as we sat at a nearby picnic table. My eyes were riveted to him, afraid that if I looked away something might happen to him. This was how it had been for a long time after I left Phillip; I wore my nerves like an uncomfortable coat, tight and restricting. I tried to give Eli the space he needed to grow, and eventually I had found myself able to step back and watch him develop his own personality and sense of adventure. Now, it felt as though I was right back where I had started.

  “What is it you fear most?” My fervent attention on Eli was immediately broken by Dillon’s question. I wondered for a moment if he was for real; surely he could figure out for himself where my fears lay? Dillon nodded towards Eli. “You’re an intelligent woman, Annie. You know no harm will come to him during that visit. You know I’d never let anything happen to him.”

  I nodded in agreement. “I know he’ll be fine physically; it’s the unseen scars I worry about. The visit could upset him, he could start having nightmares again. Eli’s doing well without his father’s interference and I’m afraid this could set him back, that it could destroy all the hard work I’ve done to make sure he’s okay.”

  Dillon seemed to consider that for a moment. “You don’t think anything good might come of it?”

  I scoffed in indignation and shook my head. “What good can possibly come of it?”

  Dillon was slow and thoughtful with his answer. “Eli has asked me about his father.” The shock hit me hard; I might as well have hit a brick wall. “He’s curious about where he is and what he is doing. It’s Eli’s father; this is a chance for Eli to know his dad and perhaps understand him a little better. It might help bring Eli a peace you didn’t know he needed.”

  I glanced to Eli, wondering if there could be any wisdom in what Dillon was saying. Eli never asked me about his father, nor did he seem any worse for wear for not having him in his life. But maybe, under the layers of his innocent, youthful character, maybe he did need his father’s presence in his life somehow. Maybe his father could be something other than just a nightmarish vision that would simply fade away with time. What if Eli’s father became a stronger presence in his life? My fists clenched at the thought.

  “What if one day Eli wants to live with his father?” I somehow managed to squeeze the question through a throat tight with emotion. “What if Phillip hurts him then?” Dillon sat down beside me, so close I could feel the warmth of his body. With a long finger he gripped my chin and turned my attention from Eli to him.

  “I can’t imagine a time where Eli would ever want to be far from you, but if that time comes, and that’s a big if with a hell of a lot of legal implications, you’ll deal with it—we’ll deal with it. Don’t borrow tomorrow’s fears, honey, you’ve got enough to handle today.”

  His eyes didn’t leave mine, and I found myself unable to pull my gaze away. I was captured within those grey depths that filled me with possibilities and resolve. It was only Eli’s laughter as he approached the picnic table that allowed me to finally break the connection. Dillon’s question had certainly unearthed yet another fear, one I hadn’t fully contemplated. Phillip might want a stronger presence in Eli’s life. He might want to cultivate a deeper connection with Eli, and that scared me as much as the fear he might hurt him. I never fully contemplated the thought of Phillip maintaining a relationship with Eli; I had grown far too settled with the notion that Eli was mine and that I would never have to share him with the unpredictable storm that was his father. It wasn’t fair of me to prevent that connection between a father and son, but it wasn’t fair that Phillip had betrayed my trust and hurt me the way he had either. Intellectually, I knew it wasn’t entirely Phillip’s fault, that the illness had stolen his ability to make informed decisions. My heart admonished him for knowingly taking himself off his meds, which inevitably led to his downfall and to my own personal hell, and I’d be damned if I could ever forgive him.

  Holton Springs should be a name that conjured images of parks, wildlife, and free-flowing rivers. It should summon feelings of peace and tranquility, for the town was all that and more. But for me it had been tainted and lost to bad memories. Phillip and I had moved here fresh out of college; it was the place we officially started our lives together, even though we had been dating since we were sixteen. Holton Springs is where we bought our first home together, where Eli was conceived, and of course, where Phillip really began his downward spiral. When Dillon had driven us past the first road sign counting down the miles to town, my stomach had begun to tighten, leaving me feeling sick and nervous. At the first sign of shops and life on the outer fringes of town, my head began to throb painfully and my palms were slick with sweat. As I rolled the window down in an attempt to get some fresh air, I had no doubt Dillon would be watching me, his brow likely creased with concern, but I couldn’t help my reaction to being back here. The vegetation began to thin as the small town began to take shape. Just like the night I had escaped, the air was still warm even though the sun had already set. Colors were muted under the moonlight and the streets were mostly vacant and quiet. Even though the town felt, in some ways, foreign, I knew exactly where we were and how to get to our old home from here. The thought of going there made bile rise in the back of my throat, and I gulped it back down in an effort to keep up the mask of strength and determination I was sorely lacking. Eli was asleep, and as the car pulled into the first motel we came upon, I was relieved beyond measure. We weren’t too deep in town and we were miles from my old house. I almost felt as though I could breathe, almost. My body was so rigid and tense I was pretty sure a stiff wind could snap me in half. When I went to reach for my bag and step out of the car, Dillon’s strong warm hand on my arm stopped me.

  “Let me go and sort out the rooms. You stay with Eli.”

  I wasn’t sure if I opened my mouth I would be able to speak, so I simply nodded and rested back into the seat. I watched Dillon saunter towards the office, his gait one of confidence and power. His jeans were pulled tight over his backside, his legs long and muscular. For not the first time, I wondered what he might look like divested of those clothes. I blushed and was thankful there was no one to see. I wasn’t even sure I would remember what to do if placed in an intimate situation again. Ella and Rebecca had joked that it was like riding a bike, only the bike had strong, masterful hands and a wicked tongue. I felt the heat rise in my cheeks again and tried to hide my smile. At least having Dillon on this journey allowed me an escape from my fears and worries for a moment, even if it was to entertain impossible fantasies. Once again, Ella’s and Rebecca’s voices echoed in my thoughts: It doesn’t have to be an impossible fantasy. He would take you on the kitchen table in a heartbeat if only you flicked that unwavering red light to green. My stomach and heart flipped with anticipation at just the thought. Phillip had been my first and only lover. In the beginning, it had been exciting and passionate, but once he was diagnosed with schizophrenia and began taking medication, his libido had dropped to non-existent. Falling pregnant had been all but a miracle, and not because either of us was unable to conceive, but because Phillip had lost all desire to be intimate with me. Now, the thought of a man taking me with the expertise Ella and Rebecca teased me about made a once cold and forgotten place inside me warm with desire.

  “I don’t know what’s put that smile on your face, but I’d sure as hell like to know what it is so we can kee
p it there.” My hand flew over my mouth as shock, laughter, and embarrassment threatened to consume me. Dillon stood at my side of the car, peering through the window. When I finally turned my gaze his way, the corner of his mouth kicked up into a small smile, his eyes full of laughter. “Now I am intrigued,” he purred. His scrutiny flittered over my face, lingering on my cheeks, which felt hot with unwarranted embarrassment. It wasn’t like Dillon knew what I was thinking about. Dillon popped my door open and reached his hand towards me. Trying to compose myself, I placed my hand in his and allowed him to pull me from the car. He didn’t step away, though, and I was drawn into his firm chest. “I don’t know what got into you just now,” Dillon murmured. “But I think I’d very much like to see it get into you more often.” The double entendre was not lost on me, and when Dillon stepped away with a mischievous smirk on his face, I clutched the door to keep me from tripping over my stunned limbs. With a wink he moved to the backseat and unbuckled Eli. Seeing my sleeping boy in his arms helped pour cold water over the warm flames that Dillon had begun to fuel. It was a reminder why we were here, a reminder of my life outside of my dreams and fantasies. With Eli’s visit with Phillip now back in my thoughts, I sighed and followed Dillon to our room.

  Chapter 4

  Dillon

  I’m not sure what I expected, but having left an exhausted and frightened Annie in her room a little after nine, I didn’t expect to be confronted with the smiling, confident angel that greeted me this morning. She had looked so fragile and timid when I suggested we get some sleep that I’d almost offered to stay in her room for the night. Only the fact she hadn’t asked me, and my own uncertainty as to whether I could keep my hands to myself, allowed me to walk away. This morning, she fluttered about her hotel room in a bright yellow sundress that seemed to draw out the flecks of gold hidden in the depths of her hazel eyes. Her brown hair was gathered into braids on either side of her head, making her look so young I felt a little guilty for admiring the subtle curves of her body that were hidden under her dress. Eli was bouncing on the bed, a raw energy filled his youthful veins. I wasn’t sure if it was anticipation over seeing his dad, or the simple delight at being away from home on a vacation of sorts. Annie was speaking, but her voice was a distant noise as I admired the way she flittered about the room like a bright winged butterfly. My attention moved with awe from her to her son, and I found the overwhelming need to take her in my arms and kiss her, a force that caused my hands to shake with denying it.