Mimi of the Nowhere

by Michael Kilman

  “I don’t understand.”

  “The Order found you. Now you have the chance to become something more than you are. No longer do you have to be from nowhere. You can have a home again.”

  “Sure, until that home is taken from me all over again.”

  “It is true that nothing lasts forever, but the connections we make now have the chance to transform us. When you embrace your sisters, you will become your sisters.”

  “What is that, some kind of philosophical bullshit?”

  The form that was her mother chuckled. “You always were straight to the point, my Mimi. But I think you will find that the people we choose to love shape us more deeply than we can know. Why do you think it’s so hard when they depart? It is as if the shape that had help craft in us was suddenly and violently plucked out.”

  “So what is it you want from me?”

  “To remember friendship. To remember community, to remember that even though you may have made some poor choices in the past, every moment of every day is a chance to sew new seeds for a brighter future.”

  “Again, more philosophical bullshit. I’ve lived on the streets too long to buy into any of that garbage. You know what changes on the streets? Nothing except the players playing their parts. The streets are always the same, always full of people who will hurt you for a few credits.”

  “That is true, to a point. But even in the darkest of places there are always those who shine like lanterns, who bring warmth and love and light to those around them. They are a refuge, a shelter from the storm.”

  “Like who?”

  “Like the sisters who have opened their world to you. In each of the places they are from, Lowers, Mids, Uppers, or Runners, they bring light to those around them. They do their best to encourage love and justice.”

  Mimi considered. “So what, I’m supposed to be a light to the people on the street? A light to the Nowhere?”

  “It is one of your options.”

  The woman’s form flickered.

  “Who are you, really?”

  The woman acted as if she didn’t hear Mimi.

  “You have many paths you can choose to take now. You can trust your new sisters and walk with them into the future. You could take their knowledge and then abandon them, or you could turn back and go the way you came.”

  “Why would I want to stick around these women? What could they possibly do for me?”

  “They can love you. They can give you purpose.”

  “And if I decide to either take their knowledge and run or go my own way?”

  “That direction will lead you to continue your lonely life. Why would you want to continue that? We both know that you wonder why you persist, for what purpose you continue on. You have lived for centuries, and you have little to show for it.”

  Mimi felt herself squirm. The woman wasn’t wrong, but she couldn’t imagine trusting an entire group of people. It was hard enough for her to be able to trust one or two people at a time, but sixteen other women? How could she place her life in the hands of so many, when at any moment one might betray you for their own selfish gain.

  “So what’s the right answer then?”

  “Only you can decide that. Your choices are your own.”

  “Who are you?”

  “I’m just you, Mimi of the Nowhere. I am just that small, still, inner voice that nags at you. But who I am doesn’t matter. I am what you make me. I am your desires and more than anything, you desire to leave behind Nowhere and find a safe and happy home.”

  Mimi didn’t care if she had a safe and happy home, she couldn’t remember the last time she lived in one, but she could remember the endless attacks and muggings. She could remember that before she had fully developed her abilities, how vulnerable she was. How could she leave her back exposed to all these women?

  “Why did you drink the cup Mimi?”

  Mimi thought about it. Why had she shared that cup in the circle? Why had she chosen to gulp down a liquid knowing there were drugs in it? Didn’t that make her vulnerable to attack? Wasn’t she completely at their mercy?

  “You want to trust. You want to love. You want a home. That is why you are here. You want all these things, but you must learn to embrace them. You must learn to unlearn all you have learned in the past. The past is not the present, and if you want it to be, the present is not the future. You decide. You choose. You take your steps forward or back. But ask yourself one question with every step, what will bring you joy and peace?”

  And then the woman was gone. The room returned to normal, and she found herself surrounded on all sides by women who were caring for her unconscious form.

  “She’s awake.”

  “How...how long was I out?”

  “Almost a day.”

  “Shannon?”

  “No word yet.”

  There was an offer of quarters by Noatla. Several of the sisters had insisted that Mimi not return to her hovel underneath the streets. But it was where Mimi felt at home. Nowhere was all she knew. Why should it be otherwise?

  Chapter 9

  Recycled Runners

  TWO DAYS PASSED. DURING the time, Mimi scored some more Likatol to manage the voices, visited the library, and began training with the women of the Order.

  The training wasn’t terribly difficult. She practiced scanning minds and learned to transmit some of her thoughts to some of the other women. Her thoughts and her focus never strayed far from Shannon. Still, there was no word.

  At the end of every day, quarters were offered, sometimes in the library, sometimes with one of her other sisters. She never felt right taking the offer. Her bed still smelled like Shannon and each night returning home, she found herself curling up against the blankets and crying.

  On the third night after Shannon’s abduction, Mimi lay on her back, turning the events of Shannon’s abduction over in her mind. What could she have done differently? What could she have possibly changed? Perhaps if she would have just been with Shannon, then the whole mess could have been avoided?

  There was a thick layer of guilt. The weight of it pressed against her chest and made her feel hollowed out. If only she hadn’t scared Shannon, hurt her.

  She thought of Daniel and the others before her, all the way back to the loss of her mother. The only theme that seemed to reoccur in her life was the loss of loved ones, and in every case, it was her fault. As tears clung to the corner of her eyes, she thought that perhaps she should tell her sisters in the Order that they too would all be doomed if she stuck around. They had been kind to her so far. Mimi was a threat to that kindness.

  In that moment, long past the hour of designated dark, in the dim light of the underground where she lived, Mimi resolved to quit the moment Shannon was free. Then, she would ask the sisters to watch over Shannon and disappear into the underground for a while. Her poisonous touch was just too dangerous to continue spreading. Perhaps it was time she seriously considered ending her life.

  As it sometimes did, despair took her. It gripped her heart and began to squeeze tight, filling up all the spaces in her heart where love and hope and goodness could live. She sobbed. It was light at first and then violent. She moaned and clenched her jaws and yelled loudly into the night. She cursed the gods and the devils and whatever else was out there. Then she began to look around for something sharp to cut the pain out. A surgical strike. In the corner, she saw the instrument she used to clean the fish. She moved toward it.

  A rustling outside. Mimi froze, ears listening.

  A crash and a clang of something metal on concrete. Mimi was up in a flash, ready to fight, ready to resist. Her pain augmented her anger, and for one of the first times in her life, Mimi felt ready to draw blood. There was blood in her eyes. She reached for her cutting tool and gripped it firmly.

  A hesitant voice. “Hello?” It was soft and feminine. “Mimi, are you here?”

  The voice was familiar, but Mimi couldn’t place it. Her hackles still raised, her fist white-knuckl
ed around the grip of her tool, she peered her head out of her hovel. She caught a glimpse in the dim designated dark of the underground. She saw only a silhouette. The form of what appeared to be a tiny woman, even shorter than Mimi herself.

  It occurred to Mimi that there were probably only a few people in the whole of Manhatsten that could sneak up on her. The thought cooled her.

  “Who is it?” Her voice was sharp and low, almost like a growl.

  “Leahara. I’m one of your sisters. Do you remember me?”

  Mimi thought about it, when they had called names around the circle, she did remember a Leahara. She thought she recalled that she was from the Lowers. She had not trained with her so far.

  “Let me see you.”

  Mimi did not mean see physically, in the last few days, she had learned what seeing meant. It meant to open the mind to your sisters. It was a way of connecting and feeling each other in a deep and intimate way. It was still uncomfortable to Mimi, but she could see that maybe if she spent enough time with the Order, that it might become a good thing.

  In the shadows, Leahara nodded, the motion barely visible. There was a burst of thoughts like a burst of color. What was black and white was now vibrant and beautiful.

  “You shouldn’t sneak up on people like that.”

  “I’m sorry, it’s just...well, an old habit from darker times.”

  “Darker times?”

  Leahara ignored the question. “Can I come in?”

  Mimi hesitated for a moment, so far as she could remember she had never brought anyone here before but lovers. Only those she trusted deeply. She felt a bit uneasy but said, “Sure, I guess.”

  Leahara approached. Her feet barely made a noise.

  Mimi joked, “What’s your specialty? Invisibility?”

  Leahara, her face now visible in the dim light, stood just before the entrance and smiled. “Yes actually. I can make myself very difficult to notice, to some, I may only appear as one of the artificial breezes that the city employs to circulate air and pollen on some occasions.”

  “Nifty trick.”

  “I think so.”

  “Why are you here?”

  “Because... well... I believe we have a lot in common and well... it was difficult for me to adjust to being a part of the Order at first.”

  “How come I haven’t seen you in training?”

  “Oh... well, I have been taking care of a few things around the city.”

  Mimi eyed her. Then she stepped back into her hovel and waved her hand gesturing for Leahara to come in. As she passed Mimi, she noticed a woman who was curvy and short. Her hair had streaks of gray in it, and she had a sizable mole on the left cheek. Her eyes were almost a gray color, and her lips were thin.

  “I don’t employ the alcoves as often as I should,” said Leahara.

  “Why not?”

  “I sometimes struggle with the idea of living a long life.”

  Mimi was puzzled; she had learned quickly that all the women of the Order, regardless of their status, were sponsored by Noatla, meaning they had the same access she did to the alcoves so that they could continue doing the work for the Order for a good long while.

  “Why is that?”

  Leahara paused for a moment, then she let Mimi see that she struggled with depression and anxiety. Mimi caught glimpses of a woman huddled in the corner and crying.

  “Are all the women of the Order...like us?”

  “You mean suffering from some kind of wound or trauma?”

  “Yes. I mean, I didn’t gain my abilities ‘til after something awful happened.”

  Leahara nodded. “It was the same for me. But, the answer is no. In fact, most of the women of the Order were just born with their abilities. Noatla in particular was born as an Upper and has probably never had a hard day in her life, at least not like we have.”

  “She seems so strong and wise.”

  Leahara laughed. “Well, some people get their strength and wisdom from pain and suffering, but for some, it’s easy for them, they’re born leaders. Noatla has a wonderful heart, but sometimes she doesn’t fully understand those of us who have suffered.”

  Mimi frowned. “Do you sometimes feel like you don’t fit in? Like maybe Noatla views you differently?”

  “Noatla is Noatla. She treats everyone with respect and loves all of the sisters deeply. It’s just that when someone like you or I become part of the Order, she has a hard time understanding things like depression and anxiety. She just can’t imagine what it’s like. She really does try and shows a great deal of patience, but at the end of the day, her strength comes from a very different source. One very different from yours.”

  Mimi gestured that she should sit down on the bed. There weren’t any chairs, Mimi had put them out the night Shannon had been abducted, along with any other furniture that reminded her of Shannon’s absence. Mimi remained standing.

  “Mine?”

  “Yes, yours. Noatla has told me that you are one of the strongest minds she has ever seen. And that’s saying something because Noatla is very powerful.”

  “Thanks... I guess.”

  Leahara smiled. “In time, things will make a lot more sense. It takes a while to feel your way around our sisterhood, to find how you fit in.”

  Mimi squirmed and shifted from foot to foot. “So you said we have something in common?”

  Leahara nodded. “I was homeless once. It was only a few weeks before Fatima found me and brought me to the Order, but I’ve seen what that world is like. I can’t imagine being in it for centuries like you were.”

  “I think I had quite a bit of an advantage over others.”

  “Obviously, so did I. But that doesn’t mean it’s not a hard life. Can I ask, why do you keep turning down quarters?”

  Mimi squatted down so she was eye level.

  Leahara paused for a moment, clearly reading Mimi’s thoughts.

  “Ah, I see. Trust was hard for me at first too, and no, you aren’t betraying Shannon by staying with us.”

  “Please don’t read me like that. I don’t like it. Until I can block like the rest of you can, I really would rather you not do that.”

  Leahara nodded. “Fair enough. I understand that sentiment. I was very uncomfortable with that at first too.” She smiled. “You will get used to it.”

  “Maybe I will, and maybe I won’t. I’m not entirely sure if I will stick around.” A tinge of anger.

  “Well, I hope you do.”

  “Why?”

  “Why what?”

  “Why do you care if I stick around.”

  There was a long pause. In the distance, the sounds of the machinery whirred.

  “Because I like you, Mimi. I think you have a good heart.”

  “You only met me a few days ago and we haven’t even spoken. How could you possibly know that?”

  “I just do. And I see a woman who has had nothing but a life full of pain and suffering. And, I guess... well, I want you to know that if you stay with us, we can help you. We can keep you safe so you don’t have to peer over your shoulder every night. You won’t have to go and hack a food dispenser anymore or sneak into an alcove.”

  Mimi felt a tightness in her chest. She couldn’t trace the source but she also couldn’t help taking it out on this woman either. “Sounds like one of those Uppers clubs you hear rumors about. The ones where they bring up people from the lowers, fuck them, and then send them off to the Runnercore afterward.”

  Leahara was visibly hurt. She looked down at the floor and crossed her arms.

  “No... it’s...”

  “Why are you really down here? Did Noatla send you or something? Are we required to live in assigned quarters or something?”

  “No... I...”

  There was a pause and then the rasping shutter of Leahara’s throat as she began to sob.

  Mimi’s mouth opened and shut. Why was she so mean to this woman? What had she done to her? But Mimi knew, this woman had come to her space, withou
t permission, but that was only part of it. Mimi was angry at herself for Shannon and that guilt would throb in her chest until Shannon was free.

  Mimi said, “I’m sorry. I... I’m not very good with strangers.”

  “I know. It’s just... well... I once had a daughter that looked very much like you. She was bright and beautiful and so full of joy and love.”

  Mimi shifted in her crouch. She bit her lip. “She’s a Runner now?”

  Leahara shook her head. “Worse.”

  A chill crept over Mimi. “Re...Recycled?” She didn’t even like to say the word out loud. There was horror in it.

  Leahara burst into tears. Mimi stood and walked over and sat down next to her. The woman’s entire body convulsed with sobs and a run of snot cascaded down her nose. Mimi pulled her in close, feeling her warmth. There was comfort there for both of them. Leahara wiped her nose on her sleeve and then put her head on Mimi’s shoulder.

  “When?”

  Leahara swallowed. “Only a few months ago.”

  The wound was still fresh. Mimi realized why this woman was down here. She wasn’t trying to comfort her, she was looking for comfort.

  “Why haven’t you told the other sisters?”

  “I can’t.”

  “Why not?”

  “I don’t know. It’s just... I don’t think they would understand?”

  “Why do you think that I would understand?”

  Leahara lifted her head and looked into Mimi’s eyes. “Because someone you love was just taken by the SOs. Because you’ve lived down here for a reason, at some point everything must have been taken from you.” She buried her head back in Mimi’s chest, nuzzling her and soaking Mimi’s shirt with tears.

  Mimi thought for a moment. She hesitated, but decided that maybe this woman would understand. “The last man I loved... he was before Shannon, they recycled him.”

  Leahara looked up again. “What happened?”

  “It’s a long story.”

  “Tell me.” It was not a question. It was a demand.

  Mimi frowned. “You first.”