Still Falling

by Costa, Bella

  “Nice pants.”

  Serena looked at her yellow Pyjama pants as if seeing them for the first time. She even managed slight blush and small smile when we realised how ridiculous she must look.

  “Serena, I love you like you are my own sister. You know that right?”

  Serena nodded.

  “Well you’re putting me in a difficult position. All my staff are threatening mutiny. I’m worried as hell about you, as is your mother. And my favourite designer hasn’t come up with anything for autumn/summer fashion week which is only in three months.”

  Serena looked up her friend, eyes wide. “Are you firing me?” she sobbed.

  “No silly. But I am seriously considering booking you into a nice little hotel I know, where security is top priority and the concierge is a qualified doctor!” Josephine put her hands on Serena’s lap.

  Hotel.......The Hyatt.....Oh God.

  “What’s the matter huh?”

  “Truthfully, I don’t know. Initially I was just hurt and angry at Marco and I supposed a little lost without him. I missed him. Now I’m just hurt and angry at everything!”

  “Honey, Marco was years ago. Did something happen at Tramonto?”

  “Ummm no. Not exactly”

  “What do you mean, ‘not exactly’?” Said Jo with genuine concern.

  “I chaperoned Marie to that party for the English guy she is all hung up over.”

  “She did mention it and I told her off......but what has that got to do with Marco? I know he wasn’t at the party.”

  “No but he was staying at the Hyatt and I got a little drunk and well.....” She trailed off.

  “So what happened? I mean I know you’re still attracted to the bastard, and that is okay you know?”

  Serena looked down at a scrap of fabric she had been twisting in her fingers. She wanted to explain but needed to get the choking lump cleared from her throat before it burst the flood gates. Finally she took a cleansing breath and admitted, to herself more than anyone else her root problem.

  “I love him. I thought I could stop. I thought I could move on. That morning at the Hyatt I fooled myself into thinking I could get finally satisfy my need for him and get him out from under my skin.” Serena looked up at her friend, eyes red and watering. “It just made it worse!” She wailed.

  “Well that would explain your moods. Is that why you’re not eating?”

  Serena looked at her friend genuinely scared. “I’m not eating because I always feel ill. But I’m scared to tell the doctor. You know in case.....well in case it’s back.”

  “Oh Serena! You little fool. So much on your plate and trying to handle all this on your own. That’s why you’re so emotional. It might be nothing more than a little bug.” She pulled her friend into a comforting hug. “I’m going to get you an appointment for the doctor this afternoon. If it’s a bug you can stop worrying yourself to death and stop terrorising my staff. If...and this is a BIG if it’s back, we’ll deal with it. Okay?”

  Serena nodded wiping her nose with a handful of already soggy tissues.

  “And as for Marco......we’ll deal with him later. One step at a time baby.”

  “Thank you Jo. I’m sorry.” Serena sobbed. Jo squeezed her hand.

  “Right first things first, hit the rails and see if you can find something other than those very sexy pants. You’re not going anywhere with me looking like that!”

  Later that afternoon, the two women walked into the waiting rooms to see Doctor Robinson.

  “Do you want me to come in with you?”

  “No, it’s alright. I’ll manage.”

  Jo squeezed Serena’s hand and smiled reassuringly as the receptionist called Serena through.

  Chapter thirty five

  Doctor Robinson greeted her warmly and offered her a seat.

  “Well, before you say anything Serena, can I just tell you that you are still too skinny and not eating enough, but still managing to look as beautiful as ever?” He sat back in his own chair and gazed at her over the top of his very modern glasses.

  Normally she would have had a tart comeback for her doctor, but not today. She just gave him a tight smile and sat down.

  He looked at her thoughtfully across is desk.

  “My dear, at some point you will need to tell me why you have come to see me, if it is not for my generous and I might add expensive compliments.”

  “I err yes. Sorry.. I have been feeling nauseous for a few weeks.”

  He looked at her solemnly. “A few weeks and you only come to see me now? Any other symptoms?”

  “Probably not related but I have been moody.”

  “I see. Would you mind hopping onto the examining table for me to examine your abdomen?”

  Serena slipped her shoes off and lay down.

  As he lifted her sweater to just above her bottom ribs and pulled the elastic waist of her borrowed skirt for better access, he looked at her face over the top of his glasses. “I hope Mr. Spinozzi is not here. If he sees me doing this he might get violent.” The concern in his voice didn’t reach his eyes and she knew his was teasing. Serena blushed but said nothing, not sure how to react. He squirted some cold clear gel across the lower half of her belly.

  “Sorry. I forget the gel is cold sometimes.”

  He then pulled a small trolley closer to the examining table and pushed a few buttons on a small box the size of a telephone. Lifting a small, smooth probe he pressed it firmly on Serena’s belly. Confused she looked around for the screen.

  “Are you giving me a scan?”

  “Yes. But not the type you think. Now lie still and relax.”

  He noted Serena’s confusion.

  “I’m not looking for something Serena, I’m listening for something.” He said kindly.

  Lying still now they both listened to the odd noises of her stomach amplified through speakers. He moved the probe a little more and suddenly a new sound was heard and the doctor paused, listening intently.

  “Mmmm.. Just as I suspected.”

  It sounded just like her heart but perhaps a little too fast.

  “You suspected my heart has moved to my stomach?”

  The Doctor smiled and gave her a hand full of paper towels to clean off the Gel while he busied himself putting the equipment away. Only when she had sat back down at the desk did he start to talk again.

  “Firstly Serena, I want you to eat. Don’t worry about the nausea. I can give you something to help with that. It is very important that you eat. Four small, healthy meals a day and snack on fruit in between meals. Secondly, I want you to get a minimum of eight hours sleep a day and if your body tells you to take more, listen to it!”

  “But what is it? Do you think the cancer is back?” She looked at him fearfully.

  “Serena, we won’t know for a few months yet if it will come back or not. Considering it was clear after your last dose of chemo and the chemo has only just recently cleared your system, I can assure you that as we speak, there is no cancer there.”

  “Well something is wrong. A bug, a parasite?”

  Dr. Robinson smiled gently at the last remark.

  “You could say that. Yes Parasite could be an accurate description. Serena, you are pregnant.”

  What the fuck!

  Her mouth dropped, her eyes widened and Serena went very cold.

  “You mean that noise we heard...” her voice trailed off weakly.

  “That was your baby’s heart beat.”

  He leaned forward. She wasn’t taking this very well.

  “Serena did you come alone?”

  “No my friend Jo is in the waiting room.”

  “Do you want me to call Jo?”

  “Yes please she said feebly.”

  The doctor nodded and went in search of Jo.

  By the time he returned with a very worried Jo in tow, the flood gates had opened.

  Gabrielle had her own worries. Labour had started an hour ago and her Boss was being a complete arsehole. />
  “Marco I’m going home!”

  “Not until those press releases are done.” He growled.

  “Marco I’m going home! Now!” She stood her ground.

  Until now Marco hadn’t even bothered to look at her. He had been content (if it were possible to label anything about him as content) to yell orders over the top of whatever drawing, fabric or report he had in his hands at the time.

  He put the fabric sample book he had been leafing through, down on his desk.

  “Okay, you have my attention.”

  “Marco, I wasn’t trying to get your attention. I’m serious. I’m going home. It’s time.” She pushed her swollen belly forward and rubbed it with both hands.

  “Oh. Shit, Sorry Gabby.” He ran the fingers of both hands through his hair. “Do you need a ride? Will you be okay?” he said with concern.

  She almost wanted to laugh. He looked like a lost child in a supermarket in comparison to his early overbearing beastliness.

  “No, my husband has been waiting down stairs for the last hour.”

  “I hope it goes well for you. I mean it. I’m sorry I’ve been such a....” he struggled for the word.

  “Arse, jackass, prick, wanker?” She smiled at him now. This was the most civil he had been in weeks. She had been worried that this would happen when Marco spent the night with Serena at the Hyatt in Milan. It was just the same as when Serena had run from Spinozzi and moved to Milan.

  “I suppose all of the above.” He groaned. “You better go before you have the baby in my office.”

  Marco phoned down to HR and arranged for a temp to pick up Gabrielle’s work load.

  He left his chair and wondered over to the window to gaze at the hills rising above the city. He was glad his father had decided to keep the base for his company in Napoli instead of setting up in the fashion district of Milan. One of the advantages was been able to stay close to home. The other was that it was easier to keep their designs a secret before the bi-annual fashion week. Marco couldn’t avoid Milan completely though. It was where the buyers and suppliers and myriad of other channels that linked his business to the outside world were based. He tried not to think about his last trip to Milan. Could it have gone any worse?

  He had another trip scheduled in a few weeks. He was sorely tempted to try a different hotel. He didn’t think he could ever feel properly relaxed at the Hyatt again. Maybe he would just try and get as much packed into the day as possible and fly back the same night.

  That might be wiser. No hotel rooms.

  He had made a concerted effort to avoid any reminders of Serena as possible. He stopped going to the Bistro. He avoided the private beach. He had even started avoiding his housekeeper, preferring to leave notes on the kitchen counter for her. He even avoided his bed if he was restless, choosing to rather just doze in the living room. He still remembered her lying on his pillow, looking pale and vulnerable.

  His office suddenly felt too quiet and lonely. Feeling restless and irritable he marched off to whip the staff into order.

  Chapter thirty six

  Serena and Jo took an early morning flight to Napoli. It was Sunday and Jo was desperate to see her nephew. She felt that Serena would probably be better off having a change of scenery, than sitting in her lonely flat, alone with her thoughts. Secretly Serena was grateful. Jo had even arranged for Tony to pick up Serena’s mother so they could all have lunch together at the Bistro.

  They pulled into the parking lot at the same time as Tony and her Mother. Serena, held the door for her mother as she climbed out of the car, her eyes brimming with tears.

  “Mama, I miss you and home and everything so much!” Her mother pulled her into her ample arms and held her for a long time.

  “Child, love will do that to you. I know how it goes.”

  Serena pulled back and wiped her eyes.

  “Will it always hurt so bad?”

  “No.” Her mother replied thoughtfully. “It can........but it doesn’t have to. Why don’t we go and have some lunch and then afterwards you and I can take a walk through the village and you can tell me all about it.”

  “Little Micky nearly bowled her off her feet as they walked into the Courtyard. Tony and Jo had gone ahead, giving Serena and her mother a few moments of privacy in the car park. They were now teasing Nico about a waitress he was thinking of hiring, insinuating that there might be more to her job description than waitressing. Both boys now surrounded Serena, giving away lots of hugs and kisses and making lots of fuss.

  Perhaps this is what I’m missing. Why haven’t I noticed Nico before? He is attractive, very funny, single.....Because you are not house wife material stupid. You know this!

  The afternoon lunch was great as always, made even better by the company. All too soon, her mother was pressurising her to take that walk, leaving Jo to spend some quality time with her family. As they wondered along a narrow and sometimes steep road which had been squeezed between the ancient buildings, Serena poured her heart out. It felt good to have it out there. She didn’t care at this point what judgements would be made about her. She just wanted to get it all out. As she had started talking it became easier and easier. Her mother said nothing until she was sure her daughter had finished talking.

  “Serena, most of what you have told me, I already know.”

  “You do?”

  “Of course! I am your mother. I am also his house keeper.” She shook her head quizzically, amazed Serena hadn’t realised this before.

  “When Jo told me about your moods and not eating and generally behaving strangely, I noticed the very same behaviour from Marco. It started with both of you straight after his last trip to Milan.”

  “Really? Marco has been acting strange?”

  Her mother nodded her head.

  “I also know you have had a crush on him since you were five years old and his adoration for you was obvious growing up.”

  Serena objected. “He was just being kind. He has never liked me. This I am sure of!”

  “If you say so!” shrugged her mother. “Serena. I have never interfered with your choices or your love life. I once told you not to move to Milan because I felt you were going for the wrong reasons. My opinion on that has not changed. But it has always been your life and your choices. Your father would have wanted the same.” See turned to face her daughter now. “But Serena, for your own sake and that of your child I have to ask you to step back and take stock of your life. I need you to make sure that you are making your choices for the right reasons.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Take your child for example. Why are you having that child that grows in your womb?”

  Serena considered for a second and replied in measured tones.

  “Because there is no other choice? Because God forbids abortion and I could never murder a child? Because it’s the right thing to do? Because the child deserves a mother? Because the child should not suffer because of mistakes I’ve made?”

  “Serena now you disappoint me.”

  They sat down on a small bench beside a bus stop.

  “Do you honestly in your heart believe that those are the right reasons to have this child?”

  Serena nodded slowly, not sure there were any others.

  “When you look at Micky, what do you see?”

  “I see a gorgeous little boy, full of life and unconditional love. I see a little person who has brought so much happiness to his family despite losing his mother.”

  “That alone would be reason enough for me to have a child!” Her mother pointed out gently. “Your others are noble and acceptable. But in your heart......love is the right reason.”

  Serena looked down at her hands. She was starting to understand what her mother was trying to say. She moved her hands over her belly and wondered what kind of child she would have. With or without Marco, it would be a wondrous new life. A little person she could teach, learn from and grow with. Who she could love unquestionably and who would love h
er unconditionally. For the first time she stopped thinking of it as a pregnancy. A pregnancy defined as a parasite that would inconvenience her life in the same way the cancer had. This was a child. A little person. And she could feel the love growing inside her already.

  “Mama. I’m going to have a baby!” she laughed and hugged her mother excitedly.

  “I am happy for you Serena. And happy for my grandchild. But you still have a lot of things in your life to reassess and decide if you are doing them for the right reasons. Only then can you be happy and only then with the pain of love be easier to bear.”

  Hand in hand they made their way back to the Bistro for another dose of Micky, Nico and Tony. Her three favourite boys.

  An hour later Jo clanged her teaspoon against her coffee cup. “I have an announcement to make.”

  Everyone at the table went silent and looked expectantly at her.

  “I have been in negotiations with my bank and my ex husband and I am going to open a studio here in Napoli.”

  Serena looked at her friend in genuine surprise. She had no idea.

  “I would like to formally offer Serena, the job of running the Napoli office, provided of course she flies to Milan to see me at least once a fortnight.”

  Everyone looked expectantly at Serena.

  She was speechless.

  “Ummm yes. Yes of course that would be fantastic!”

  The boys cheered and Jo hugged her excitedly across the table.

  “Why didn’t you mention this before?”

  “Because I wanted to make sure you would say yes!”

  Her mother patted her cheek. “Make sure it’s for the right reasons.”

  “And.....” Interrupted Jo. “And, my beautiful ex husband, who gives me more now than he ever did when we were married, has offered me his chalet in Bormio for Christmas. I would love it if all of you would join me.”