“I’m sorry this hurt you so deeply because it was not my intention at all. As I said before, I didn’t cheat because you two were not an item and neither was Colin or I—”
“Are you going to seriously stand where ever you are and tell me you didn’t like Colin the same night you fucked Liam?”
It was my turn to scoff. “Of course I did, but that didn’t mean I was ready to spread my legs for him—”
“But you were ready to spread them for Liam, so I guess that makes it all right?”
“Goddamn it, Caitlyn, wait!” I screamed, but she’d ended the call.
It took everything in me not to throw the phone against the wall, but I gathered my courage and walked back to the beer hall after I’d finished my smoke. I knew Colin smelled it on me because we were sitting too close to each other in the booth for him not to notice. He slid his arms around my waist and held me closer. Fresh beer steins had replaced the previous ones, and we both had full glasses of lager to drink.
“Uh oh, someone has been a naughty girl,” he whispered as he kissed my neck.
His warm lips on my numb skin seemed to bring me back to life. And that is when I really considered my situation and how Caitlyn felt. She had no real reason to be angry with me unless she wanted to keep the size of Liam’s cock all to herself. Fat chance that would have happened, as half the women in Seattle probably knew the size and girth of said cock in question.
So why had she decided to attack me? Was it because I was close to her and now I was in a healthy relationship with Colin? To her, it wasn’t fair. How dare I have a passionate one-night stand with the man who now belonged to her and then move on to his brother? It was such a whorish thing to do, and I would be the first to admit the error of my ways but at the time of the incident, nothing was written in stone and there was absolutely no proof Colin and I would end up together, European vacation regardless.
Colin turned my head toward his, and I stared into those endless crystal blue eyes. “What’s going on? What did Caitlyn want?”
“To shame and humiliate me,” I responded before I drank from my lager in a greedy manner. “What can I say? She succeeded quite beautifully.”
“What did she say to you? What ever happened has hurt you a damn sight more than you are letting on, and I want to be here to help you, baby. You know that, right?”
I breathed deeply and realized I would not get out of this situation without telling Colin, but would he think I was a whore too? Would he no longer want me and consider me used goods despite him being only the third man I’d shared my body with? Having a longtime friends-with-benefits relationship with a man who was a former boyfriend had its rewards. It meant I didn’t have to look for random guys to fuck, and it also assured me that I was being loved, even when the act was purely physical.
That was until Liam came along with his hidden charms, bedroom eyes, irresistible personality, and large cock. Sometimes a woman can’t say no, and despite the way my sister acted when she called, I would never regret my decision, not yet at least. However, Colin could definitely bring me down to size and make me regret anything.
“I don’t know if you truly understand the magnitude of what you’re asking me because it is awful and my sister has reduced me to shit about it. I didn’t tell her that, though,” I responded in a soft tone that could barely be heard against the loud music.
“Come on, let’s go outside.”
“But what about our beers?”
Colin smiled. “This is a ‘roofie’ free zone.” He pointed to a sign in German. “That’s what it says. There are cameras everywhere, and the whole point is for people to feel okay with leaving their drinks so they can go outside to have a ciggie. The rules are posted over the bar. This place has been around for a while, and I love visiting here. I wouldn’t have brought you here if I didn’t know the staff and how they operated.”
I nodded, and we both scooted out of the booth on our perspective sides. As soon as we stepped outside, Colin offered me yet another cigarette and I took it even though I didn’t need any more nicotine. Once I got back to Seattle, it would be cold turkey again and absolutely no more smoking.
“So, what happened?” he asked
We could speak in normal voices, and that was definitely a good thing because I certainly didn’t want to shout out what I was about to tell him.
“My sister…she called because your brother has decided what ever they have is serious enough to risk talking about his past, and the past in particular concerning him and I.”
Colin’s facial expression didn’t change, yet I knew the truth dawned on him like the sun coming up on a bright, blue, cloudless day. “What about you and Liam?”
“We…” I trailed off and flicked the ash from my burning cigarette. “Before you and I got together officially…we slept together. It was a one-night stand, and although it lasted all night and there were multiple times of us…well, pleasuring one another, it only happened that one night. I can’t even pretend to blame it on the drinks or say I was too drunk to know what I was doing. It’d been a while since I’d been with anyone, and I found him sexy and attractive. I wanted to sleep with him because I didn’t want to ruin what you and I had together and at the time, if I had chosen to have sex with you, I don’t think we would be a couple now.”
The truth was finally out there and as my eyes reached for Colin’s again, I wondered why he didn’t react in the same way Caitlyn had. Instead, there was an utter calmness and acceptance of the situation. It was almost as if he had expected me to tell him something like this, and that made me feel all the more like a piece of shit.
“I’m sorry,” I continued quietly. “God knows if I could take back the past, I would. It was a stupid fucking thing to do, but it felt great at the time and I made him wear a condom because I didn’t want there to be real physical intimacy between the two of us—”
“Regardless, I’m still positive he pulled out all the stops, didn’t he? I’m sure he ate you out and did everything with you we’ve done. Am I wrong?” Colin interrupted in a neutral voice.
“No, you’re not wrong.” I sighed. “Caitlyn seems to think what ever happened between us I did on purpose, as if I was trying to sabotage their relationship, but I swear to God when it happened, neither one of us were with anyone. We were both single adults enjoying the pleasures of carnal knowledge. I have only been with three men in my life. For a long time, there was just Drew, only Drew. I used him as my bootie call way after our relationship fell apart because I didn’t want to be a whore. I didn’t want to be ‘that kind of girl,’ you know what I mean? The kind you couldn’t introduce your grandparents to because I was an embarrassment and my pussy had seen more traffic than Grand Central Station. I’ve always tried my best to be a good girl, a nice woman, the type a man could take home and introduce to his family proudly. Granted, sleeping with a pair of brothers isn’t the most ideal thing to do, but if I had known what was going to happen between us then I would have been much more careful with my choices and decisions. I hadn’t slept with anyone since Dad died. That’s why I think I fell for all of Liam’s charms, and I wanted him to be you in the worst way, but at the same time, I was so afraid of wrecking our friendship, I couldn’t risk it—wouldn’t risk it. Alas, in life, there are no take-backs, and perhaps you hate me just a little bit for what I did, but I only want to be with you. You’re the only man I see in my bed, and this is where I want to be. You’ve got to believe me.”
I didn’t realize I was crying until the tears continued to roll down my face. Colin threw his cigarette along the pavement, wiped my tears away, and slipped his arms around my neck.
“Baby, I don’t hate you. It happened, and people make mistakes. I’m not calling the night between you and Liam a mistake because you wanted to do it. We’ll accept it and move on. It isn’t the first time he’s stolen a girl from underneath me, but he won’t ever have that chance again, not with you. I promise.”
I threw my cigarette
to the ground and crushed it underneath my shoe. “Are you sure you’re okay with this? Because my sister made me feel like crap, and I can’t have you hating me.”
“I’m not okay with it, but what can I do? I still love you like I have never loved another, and I can get over it. You’re the one…I know it…and yeah, I hate Liam knows what you look like without any clothes, but it isn’t the end of the world.”
He slid his hands over my face as we looked at one another and caressed my chin with his thumb.
“Come on, let’s go back to the apartment,” I murmured.
Colin gave me a look of incredulousness. “Um, not without finishing our beers. Then we can go back to the apartment.”
I smiled and nodded. “Fine. Let’s go finish our beers and then go back to the apartment, where you will peel off my clothes and make love to me.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
We pressed our foreheads together, and I knew there and then we would be all right. Colin wasn’t my sister and wouldn’t hold past mistakes against me. He knew that I was sorry for what happened between Liam and me. The last thing I wanted to do was to become between two brothers.
Caitlyn might not be so quick to accept my apologies and would continue to judge me even though what happened between Liam and me was during a time when neither of us was dating anyone. I could handle my sister, but it was Colin’s opinion that mattered the most to me. As long as he was all right with what happened, I felt all right.
As for Caitlyn, I had zero fucks to give about how she felt. I wasn’t sharing her bed at night but Colin’s opinion of me meant everything. When he said we were okay, I believed him and knew we would be just fine.
Chapter Fifteen
After Berlin, we flew to Amsterdam and had one of the best, and worst, times of our lives.
It was quite different being surrounded by hash cafes, and the red-light district was just a short walk from where we were staying.
I was actually quite glad Colin had suggested we use other people’s apartments because it made the experience of being in each city that much more special. We spent the second day in the city walking around the red-light district and visited both the Sex Museum and the Anne Frank House before we rounded out our day at The Grasshopper with yet more lager and some of the best marijuana I’d smoked in my life.
Somewhere between my third lager and my second joint, I realized I had more than my fill. I was going to be sick, and not in a good way. I rushed to the toilet and thanked God one was available because my lunch and all the lager I drank rushed up before I could bend over all the way.
Someone knocked on my door and asked in English, “Are you okay in there?”
I braced the toilet seat. “Yes, thank you. I think I overdid the pot and beer, that’s all.”
The female voice laughed. “Yeah, that happens to Yanks a lot. They forget how strong the pot is here and they end up smoking too much.”
I wiped my mouth with toilet paper before I flushed and opened the door to face a tall blonde who looked friendly enough. Her accent was definitely Dutch, though it was hardly there, and her blue-green eyes shined brightly.
“I’m Carolien. I actually work here, but it’s my off night and I’m here with my boyfriend. You want some company?”
I washed out my mouth at the sink. Then I washed my hands, dried them, and finally shook her hand. “Deirdre. Sure, I think that would be great, but I didn’t expect to be…approached, as I have read the Dutch are pretty reserved.”
She laughed. “We are, except your boyfriend is a van der Meer and he speaks fluent Dutch like he was born and raised in the middle-class section of The Hague. It turns out his father was, and our families know one another’s. Imagine that. My mother had a huge crush on his father when they were growing up. She knew he moved to America, but what are the odds I would run into his son all these years later at The Grasshopper?”
“That is quite the coincidence. I suppose your boyfriend has him cornered and they are having some bullshit conversation in fluent Dutch.”
Carolien nodded. “Yep. When I saw you bolt up the stairs, I knew something was wrong. You two are being careful, aren’t you?”
I stared at her as if she was speaking a foreign language. “What exactly do you mean?”
“I mean, you’re on something, right?”
“Oh…that. Yeah, we’re cool, and it’s taken care of.”
“Okay, because when I first got preggers with Maartje, I was the same way. Sick as a dog, and you kind of reminded me of that when I heard you in the toilet.”
“No, I think I just drank too much. We’ve only been here for two and half weeks, city hopping, and soon, our vacation will be over and it’ll be back to Seattle. I start a new job when we get back and he’s opening his own business, so I would hope nothing like that would happen. It would be quite inconvenient.”
Carolien laughed again as we walked out to the patio area. Ironically, marijuana could be smoked indoors, but cigarettes couldn’t. Therefore we had chosen to sit on the patio.
“You Americans and your inconveniences. Do you think a baby gives a shit about you starting a new job? Or him opening a business? Do you plan to be all traditional and get married first before the babies come? I know that is very important in your culture.”
“Well,” I began slowly, “it’s only half my culture, like it is Colin’s. My dad was from France and my mother—well, the woman who raised me—is from southern England, so although I grew up in the States, my parents weren’t exactly conventional. I don’t really think my mom would care if I had a baby out of wedlock, as long as the father and I planned to make a life together.”
“It’s a good attitude to have. Jens and I aren’t married and probably won’t get married even though we have Maartje. It doesn’t seem like something that has to happen, you know?”
I nodded in reply, not because I didn’t agree but because she had me spooked. I knew I wasn’t pregnant, but that whole “P” word was the reason why I was never promiscuous. Everyone knew no form of birth control was one hundred percent accurate and accidents could happen, but God knows I didn’t want that to be the case between Colin and me.
The moment I saw him chatting to Jens, Carolien’s boyfriend, the whole thought disappeared from my mind. His Dutch was smooth and definitely that of a native, though he’d grown up in the States. It flowed easily from his mouth, and they seemed to be involved in a very intense conversation.
I sat next to him and he introduced me to Jens, who was obviously a mixed race with his café au lait skin and the most gorgeous ice blue eyes I’d ever seen. He switched to English quite easily, and the four of us had a great time.
We all agreed to meet up the next morning. Carolien and Jens had promised to take us to the countryside, so after about another hour, we left The Grasshopper and walked back home to our apartment.
I wrapped my arms around Colin’s waist and clung to him as he slipped an arm around my shoulders.
“Are you sure you’re okay?” he asked. “You had me worried there for a while.”
“I’m fine. I just drank too much and did too much marijuana, but I’ll live,” I replied. He kissed my forehead and we continued our walk down the almost deserted street, which led to our temporarily rented apartment.
My hackles immediately went up as I saw a group of youths ahead. They looked North African or Middle Eastern, certainly not a unique sight in a country or city like Amsterdam. They were loud and rowdy and from a quick glance, I counted at least seven of them.
“Maybe we should do the American thing and cross the street,” I told Colin as he looked up to see the trouble heading our way.
“That is so racist, Deirdre. They’re probably just minding their own business. We leave them alone and we should be fine,” he responded in a good-natured way.
“Listen, racist or not, that many youths scare me. You can’t defend both of us, and we don’t know what the fuck they are up to,” I said coldly.
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Colin guided us toward the other side of the narrow cobblestone street but just as I expected, they were up to no good. They began shouting to us in Dutch and Colin shouted something back, though the bravado in his voice was seriously lacking.
Before I could realize the brevity of the situation, seven of the youths were in front of us and three or four of them behind us.
Several of them approached Colin and began shouting at him while he pushed me out of the way. “Go get help,” he told me in English under his breath.
“No fucking way. I’m not leaving you here on your own.”
“Your little skank whore has a mouth on her,” one of them said in clear English. “If you were one of our women, we’d cut your tongue out and all have a go with you!”
Suddenly one approached Colin and smashed a glass bottle against the side of his head. He went down, and I immediately grabbed the sharp edge of the bottle and hovered over him as I pointed the jagged edge of the bottle their way.
“If you don’t get the fuck out of here, I will use this!” I screamed angrily.
Several lights from apartments overhead flicked on and Dutch voices shouted out of the windows, causing the youth to take off in all directions. I threw the bottle to the side and tried to get a look at the cut on the side of Colin’s head, but he held his hand there protectively.
A younger Dutch gentleman walked up. “I’m a doctor. Do you think I can have a look at that cut, sir?”
Colin nodded and said something to the guy in Dutch. The doctor began ranting in Dutch, and what ever he said wasn’t exactly all that positive by the tone of his voice.
“I’m leaving this shit country. I finally managed to get a very nice employment package from a hospital in Alberta, Canada. My family and I are out of here by the end of the month. It’s a goddamn shame you can’t even walk home at night without being attacked.” He shined a pin light on the cut. “You’re going to need stitches, but you’ll live. My wife and I are up just across the street in the apartment right there. I can do them if your girlfriend isn’t too squeamish.”
Atonement (The Atonement Duet Book 1) Page 15
