Atonement (The Atonement Duet Book 1)

by Selene Chardou

  Chapter Sixteen

  The following day, we spent an exciting afternoon and early evening in the country with Carolien and Jens before we boarded a late evening train to Brussels. We arrived in the endless city of chocolate and commerce late, but not late enough we couldn’t find a decent hotel near the train station.

  That night, we hatched a plan to do a quick tour of Brussels, although there wasn’t much to see since the city was known for chocolate and a few interesting works of art. The next day, we had lunch at a café and planned our itinerary shortly after we bought evening tickets to Paris. Then we proceeded to tour Brussels, and after spending too long on their subway system, we ended up in the ghetto and had to walk back to the business district.

  We managed to get photos of all the sites, including the numerous office buildings and the notoriously infamous fountain where the little boy is taking a piss, officially known as Mannekin Pis Fountain. Then we stocked up on chocolate and barely made it back to the Brussels Railway Station in time for our Thalys train to Paris.

  It was a fairly light ride and only halfway full, so it was quite easy to find our seats before we collapsed and settled next to one another. Colin pulled out the camera and reviewed the photos as we laughed together and reflected on our whiplash tour of Brussels, but at least we could officially say we’d visited.

  “If I hadn’t planned this journey, would this be how you would have planned it?” he asked after we stopped laughing.

  I had to think for a moment before I replied, “I honestly don’t know.” I touched his hair with gentle fingers. “I thought this would be so romantic…you know, the two of us falling for one another here in Europe around all this history and surrounded by centuries old buildings, but I realize I would have as much fun with you in Seattle as we’re having here. Does that make sense?”

  I looked away as the train began to speed up and the landscape became a comforting blur. “I thought I needed all of this because I wanted to desperately escape. I foolishly believed if I wasn’t in Seattle then I would forget about my father’s death, but that doesn’t make any sense, does it? How do you forget about someone’s death by changing your scenery? Your dad suggested the trip because he knew the anti-depressants and the Xanax weren’t helping the situation. I was actually getting worse. I was scared of my own fucking shadow. The Zoloft and Wellbutrin were turning me into someone I didn’t recognize. I felt like a walking zombie half the time and an overeager soccer mom the next—it was probably one of the darkest times in my life.”

  Colin turned my head toward his and stared deep in my eyes. “I fucking love you, Deirdre. I don’t care how fucked up you are, and if that means I have to deal with all your different neurosis, I’m ready. I just want to be with you, do you understand me?”

  I smiled at him and kissed his lips, then I pulled back to wipe my lip gloss from his mouth. “I love you too, but I won’t use the ‘F’ word. It would be undignified. I graduated from Harvard, for God’s sake.”

  “Don’t you mean Wellesley College?” he whispered against my ear before his tongue snaked into the passage.

  I jerked away. “You’re disgusting. Yes, Wellesley College for my bachelor’s, but my master’s I earned from Harvard.”

  “For some reason, you’re preventing yourself from speaking candidly, but I won’t ever be that way with you. I want you to know I don’t expect this trip to make you forget one of the most painful memories in your life. I would have decked someone if they told me a trip to Europe was supposed to make me forget about my mother dying from cancer. I’m still not over it because she was my rock in a way that Liam never understood.”

  I looked his way and kissed his cheek. “Oh no, I’m dating a momma’s boy. I wondered how that happened.”

  We both looked at one another and laughed. Several of the passengers around us glared at us, though their looks weren’t entirely amused nor were they unpleasant either. I tried to stifle my laughter but then Colin began to tickle me sick. I started to laugh again in a loud and boisterous manner.

  “Stop it!” I smacked his hands away.

  “Fine. From now on, I will keep my hands to myself and you can tell me how much you like that,” he whispered in my ear.

  “I think I would like that loads,” I said before I grabbed my iPod, shoved my earbuds in my ears, and turned it on. Maroon 5’s album Overexposed began to play, and that was just fine with me.

  I leaned my head against Colin’s shoulder as “One More Night” started up, and we clasped hands. This was true intimacy, and as far as I was concerned, there was no going back. There was only one way to move and that was forward. That sounded like a plan if I’d ever heard one, and a great one at that.

  ***

  We barely had time to settle in the Paris apartment we were renting for four days before we left Europe when my Android phone began to buzz non-stop with my sister’s designated ring tone of “Poker Face.”

  I lay on the bed while Colin took a shower and contemplated whether I should take Caitlyn’s calls. At the last moment, I gave in and pressed the answer button.

  “Hey,” I said nonchalantly.

  “I wasn’t sure if you were going to take my call, but I figured you would since it’s your birthday and all. You’re officially twenty-nine, old lady.”

  “Gee, thanks, sis. I didn’t realize twenty-nine was the new thirty-nine, but thanks for keeping me in the loop.”

  “After our last conversation, I knew you would be pissed at me for a while.”

  I sighed as I sat up and put the phone on speaker so I wouldn’t have to hold it to my ear. “No worries, honey. After we talked, I broke down and told Colin the truth. He knows about what happened and he’s cool with it, so there’s nothing left to say. It happened before we got together, and I have nothing to feel guilty about. What went down between Liam and I occurred between two consenting adults with no ties to anyone else at the time. Please don’t let that affect your decision to be with him because at the end of the day it isn’t worth it.”

  My sister snickered on the other end. “How can you say that? You know what my boyfriend looks like naked, and he has done very…intimate things to your body. You spent the night with him. It wasn’t a wham, bam, thank you ma’am kind of one night stand!”

  “Yeah, I know all this, Cait. I was there, remember?”

  “Would you be this fucking blasé about the whole situation if our roles were reversed? If it had been me with Colin instead of you with Liam? Would you think it would be something to just…shrug off and forget about?”

  I was silent for a moment before I replied, “Truthfully? Yeah, I would be. If this so-called vacation has taught me anything, it’s life is both fleeting and precious. It takes too much time and effort to be worried about bullshit, and that’s exactly what this whole conversation amounts to at the end of the day. Yes, I know what Liam looks like naked, but it is an opportunity that will never present itself to me again. And if the situation was reversed and it was you who had gotten together with Colin before we began our relationship, then I would accept it and move on. Seriously, what do you want me to say? There was an incident just a couple nights ago that could have landed Colin in the mortuary, and so if I am a bit ‘blasé’ about the thought of you seeing my boyfriend naked, maybe it’s because at the end of the day, losing him permanently would be a big deal. Him sharing one night with you isn’t and wouldn’t be. Not in the grand scheme of life. I’m sure if we asked Mom, she would say the same thing. Do you think a day goes by she wishes she didn’t have Dad back?”

  “Oh wow. I didn’t realize…”

  “You didn’t realize what?”

  “I didn’t know you’d fallen in love with Colin.”

  I sat up, took the phone off speaker, and walked to the open picture window. “So? What are you trying to say?”

  “I’m saying that I don’t want you to get hurt, and what you fail to realize is this will break Drew. You know he’s still in love with you, rig
ht? I mean, he would do anything for you, and then to find out you’re in love with one of his best friends? How the hell did it happen so fast? You two barely know one another. I mean, one minute, you’re staying at his condo because you rented your room out to Aubrey and then you two go on this vacation and—BAM!—you’re in love like that? Life isn’t a goddamn Emeril Lagasse recipe, you know.”

  “You don’t say? Hell, I thought it was.” I decided to really make my sister suffer. “I think we might get married before we come back to Seattle. We are really thinking about taking a side-trip to Las Vegas and just going through with it.”

  My sister screamed so loud, I had to hold the phone away from my ear. “Don’t you dare do that, Deirdre! We promised one another we would plan our weddings like rational, normal human beings. We are not the Hilton sisters, and there will be no tacky Vegas weddings unless we are all allowed to be there. You can’t do this to Mom and me. It isn’t fair!”

  I laughed. “It was a joke, sweetie. Calm down. I swear we wouldn’t do anything that tacky, though a Vegas wedding might not be out of the question. I was thinking something more stylish and sophisticated, like at Caesars Palace or The Cosmopolitan. Not some little cheap ass chapel downtown with a drive-thru and a greasy has-been Elvis marrying us.”

  “Yeah, I know.” She breathed into the phone. “I know this hasn’t been easy for you, but can I just say that you sound the happiest I have heard in a long time. You’re an inspiration, and I am sorry I overreacted about the whole…incident between you and Liam. He got pissed at me because he thought I was acting immature about the whole situation and when I view it the way you two do, I can see I could have handled myself a lot better than I chose to.”

  I was tired of talking about my relationship with Colin and the one-night stand with Liam with my sister, to be honest. I took this as the perfect opportunity to change the subject and ask, “How are you and Liam doing? Has he asked you to go steady yet?”

  Caitlyn laughed on the other end of the line. “Jesus, what are we? In high school? Liam and I are in a relationship, but it’s hard on him because he’s obviously not used to taking anything slow. Everything has to be on his terms. He’s very much his way or the highway and it can get old at times, but he’s learning slowly but surely if he wants to be with me, he’s going to have to go the extra mile. I am not going to make this work all by myself, and I’m not going to fuck him just so I can be another notch on his belt.”

  “Well, if it makes you feel any better, that’s all we had together—do you get me? It was never going to be more than that one night. I wanted to feel like a woman and he made that possible but I always knew long-term, I would end up with someone like Colin. I don’t want some alpha male jerk to tell me what to do, what to think, or how to act and Colin gets that about me. We’re good together because he naturally realizes what my boundaries are and he doesn’t try to push. Right now and in the future, that is what I need.”

  “Well, we can’t all be every man’s dream woman, now can we?” I could practically feel Caitlyn’s smirk through the phone. “I like domineering men because I run a whole team at work. It’s nice being told what to do and how to behave. I just have to train my alpha that sometimes he needs to leash that shit and let me be the woman I am, you know? I desperately want the kind of relationship Mom and Dad had. I think it was beautiful and refreshing because she loved him…all the way to the end. I want a man to feel that passionately about me and me about him.”

  I smiled as Colin circled his arms around my waist and nuzzled my neck. “Well, I’m here to let you know an alpha male isn’t the only type that can provide that kind of passion. I love my man with all my heart, and I draw comfort in the knowledge that he will keep me safe. I don’t need an exciting relationship filled with highs and lows. I want something mellow, and I know I can achieve all that in my present situation, so stop worrying about me. We’ll see each other soon enough. Colin and I are only staying here in Paris for three days and then we’re coming home.”

  “So soon?” she asked.

  “Yeah, haven’t you been listening to me? I already told you some shit went down two nights before. I am not going to get into it over the phone, but it’s time for us to come home. We want a week to ourselves before I start my job and he starts all the craziness that will involve opening his own place. It’s time, so…take care and we’ll see you back in Seattle,” I explained as my love squeezed my waist. It sent butterflies through almost every part of my body.

  “Okay. Take care of yourself.”

  “Will do, sis. Love you and bye for now,” I responded.

  “Love you and talk later,” Caitlyn said.

  Colin took the phone from me and threw it on the sofa. He turned me around and stared into my eyes. “I’m not an alpha male?”

  I clicked my tongue sarcastically. “Please don’t tell me that offended you. I’m happy you aren’t one, and I would never want you to be one if that makes you feel better. You’re a gentleman, and believe me I want one of those more than I have ever desired an alpha male. I’m not that kind of woman, and you know that. It’s hard for me to surrender and give up control.”

  He pinned me to the wall, and we kissed with such ferocious tenacity, I knew the chances of us going out tonight were practically nil. He pulled away just as suddenly.

  “So, Ms. Bardot, what separates an alpha male from a gentleman?”

  “Mmm,” I thought, “well, for one, an alpha male takes. Sometimes he asks permission but often he doesn’t, and that irritates the hell out of me. Don’t presume just because I let you claim me once, it’s gonna naturally happen again. That doesn’t fly with me. A gentleman, on the other hand, always asks. And you do. In your own way, you have never forced me to do anything I didn’t want to do. A gentleman respects his grandparents’ house and despite telling them I’m his girlfriend, he doesn’t try to fuck me in the guest room. He waits until we are alone and it is appropriate. A gentleman cares about my feelings and is concerned about my well-being. Never have you ever once forgotten what I have been through, and it makes me love you that much more. You waited for me, and you took your time. You acted like a gentleman when we met your ex-girlfriend, and you were respectful to both her and her husband. You always treat me like I am a piece of precious metal, and you never take me for granted. I love you for that.”

  “I love you more than you could ever know. I believe I started to fall in love with you the moment Drew introduced us because there was a vulnerability about you that was so precious, I wanted to protect you at all costs, even from yourself.” He touched my face so softly that I closed my eyes in surrender to the feeling of skin against skin. “By the way, happy birthday, sweetheart. I am taking you out somewhere special our last night here to celebrate in style.”

  “Thank you but turning twenty-nine is hardly a milestone for a woman, so we don’t have to celebrate it. All it means is I am one year older and none the wiser.”

  “What the hell are you talking about? Honey, sexually speaking, you are coming into your own. I love that you are getting older, and I will love you just as much on your thirtieth, fortieth, fiftieth, sixtieth and seventieth birthdays too.”

  “You’re too good to be true,” I whispered ever so softly in his ear.

  He sighed before he replied, “I know, which is why you should realize I’m not.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Three days in Paris was not nearly enough time to scratch the surface of all the amazing things one can do in the capital billed as “The City of Love.” I was no stranger to the “City of Light,” another famous Parisian saying, and neither was Colin, so it was easy for us to narrow down our itinerary to what was important for us to see this time around.

  We awoke late the first full morning and grabbed breakfast on the go from the local boulangerie in the sixteenth arrondissement, where we were staying. We spent the first full day in Paris in the suburb of Versailles, where we toured the cathedral and the famous chatea
u the suburb was named after. That took up most of the afternoon itself, as the chateau was only one part of the tour. The second part included the magnificent grounds, which were devised in a maze-like setting that consisted of multiple fountains, gorgeous statues, and enough greenery to make one feel like they were in an open-air greenhouse. Although the day wasn’t exactly warm and the weather was overcast, we had a blast.

  Afterward, we walked around and found a local Franprix, a mini Monoprix which only sold food, where we bought lunch and enjoyed it at a park surrounding a lake with a gorgeous view of the back of Versailles Palace. Colin laid out a blanket he’d grabbed from the apartment and stuffed in the lightweight backpack he’d decided to carry.

  I handed him the fresh baguette we’d bought, and he opened a package of ham, cheese, and pâté he’d bought at the Franprix. With a real knife, we were able to make our sandwiches from the fresh baguette any way we liked. I settled on a pâté and Brie cheese sandwich while Colin had ham and cheese from the Comté region of France.

  We shared a bottle of red wine from the Burgundy region, and people watched while we ate our food in silence. It was a comfortable silence we’d developed over the weeks of traveling. Neither one of us felt the need to talk all the time. There was an overwhelming feeling of familiarity between us, so much so that we could eat side by side in silence, enjoy a bottle of wine, and watch the world go by.

  It was how I’d always imagined my life to be. I considered myself a fairly low maintenance human being, which is one of the reasons why my cousin Aubrey drove me nuts. Her life seemed to be an episode of the The Jerry Springer Show that refused to quit, and I hated all the issues she constantly brought into my life. With Colin, I felt nothing but peace and absolute satisfaction in what we had, and it suited me that he was as low maintenance as I was.